Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Script For Tebow Super Bowl Ad Revealed; The Plot Thickens.....

An anonymous source has leaked the content of the upcoming controversial Super Bowl broadcast advertisement featuring University of Florida superstar, Tim Tebow, and his mother. Apparently, the ad has as much to do with the Tebows' religious beliefs as it does with getting the young quarterback into the NFL as a higher draft pick. The source inside the Focus on Family who gave reporters the synopsis of the TV spot spoke on the condition that his name not be used, but those on the scene reported the shadowy figure wore a number 15 Florida Gator jersey and sported strips of what appeared to be black tape with a Bible verse reference printed on them underneath his eyes.

According to the source, the advertisement, that is scheduled to air late in the third quarter of the game, opens with Tebow walking across the misty surface of Lake Alice on the western side of the University of Florida campus. Upon arriving on the shore, he is surrounded by all manner of young wildlife, including bunnies, fawns, lambs and bluebirds. Tebow picks up a lamb and begins to speak:


"Verily, I say unto you, behold the majesty and power that is Tebow, the Quarterback. For I come unto you, my brethren, to share the message from on high that I shall reigneth supreme in the NFL. I shall smite those who would bear false witness about me, just as surely as I will smite all those who would try in vain to intercept my passes."

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of defensive ends, I will fear no blitz; for my hands are sure and my feet are as the leopard as he dashes through the wilderness. Just as I have done in college, so shall I do in the pros, for I am mighty and just and a favorite in the eyes of the Lord, who assureth the team for which I play victory and riches beyond knowledge. So saith the Lord."

Then, Tebow's mother, Pam, enters from off-screen. "My son is favored among men, for when I was with child in a faraway land, the physicians decreed that my womb should be purged of his presence, lest I should perish. But I knew in my heart that my child would one day rise up to lead Gator Nation to glory. And he shall do so likewise in the NFL, for as it is written, so shall it be this very day in this very land, that ye shall know his might."

"For, behold, the Saints are being slain by those who would worship the Beast who bears the mark of the hoof by four touchdowns with but a short time remaining. Now it will be that the leader of the Saints, who is called Drew Brees, will be stricken with a plague of boils and will be unable to do battle when the quarter of the fourth shall begin. And there shall be a great wailing and gnashing of the teeth springing up from the peoples of the Cresent City, that they would be vanquished and submit to the Beast."

"But, lo, as the darkness approacheth, there will come a mighty wind from the north of this very land that is the city of Gainesville, and his name shall be Tebow. And the Saints will fall on their knees that Tebow might take up their fight, for they are Saints."

"Now, there are those who would keep Tebow from putting on the shoulder pads of righteousness and march with the Saints this day to slay the Beast, saying, 'But, he has not signed, he has no contract with the Saints and Draft Day has not yet come. He has no place here.'"

"Yet Timothy would put asunder those chains of unjustness, for the laws of man cannot overrule the will of the Almighty, who hath decreed that he should prevaileth over the Beast. And Timothy shall destroy the temple that is called by the name of the fish that swims on the land and shall lead the Saints to victory and will smite the Beast, and they shall have no defense against him."

"And Timothy, he of the tribe known as Tebow, shall be exalted by all those who will bear witness to his glory, as he leadeth the Saints not once, not twice, but, verily, five times into the zone of triumph and will vanquish the Beast, that the favored of the Lord may be victorious in their quest for the prize that is the called the Trophy of Lombardi. Surely, the Saints will go marching in this day and for as long as Timothy shall lead them."

Local reporters sought comment on this astounding prediction of fame and fortune for the young star from the mother of Pam Tebow and grandmother of Tim, Mrs. Edna Sopchoppy, a resident of the Just Biding Our Time Nursing Home in Sarasota, FL, who apparently was decidedly unimpressed by all the hoopla.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Irate Sailor Pillages and Plunders Bird Key After Run-In With Local Law Enforcement

"As the son of a son of a sailor,
Pete Shaw went to the sea for adventure....."

Then, he came to Sarasota and found rich people and their attorneys.

The good Cap'n Shaw made the mistake of anchoring just a little too close off Bird Key to suit one anonymous resident who called the Sarasota Police Dept. to scuttle the scurvy dog.

So, they did.

The local constabulary slapped him with a $250 ticket for being parked 148 feet shy of the 500-ft. required by local ordinance. The skipper intends to fight, based partly on a portion of Florida state law that prohibits the regulation of anchorage by local governments. And he has experts to back him up, including the legal eagles at Boat US, a boating group with 600,000 members.

Sarasota's legal authority, city attorney Bob Fournier, says that the state law does not apply to Sarasota, as do so many other laws, including those of physics, nature and common sense. Fournier is betting that Sarasota has deeper pockets than this bilge rat and will take this case all the way to the Supreme Court, as city and county attorneys are wont to do when things get slow around the office. Gotta show the taxpayers that they're earning their salaries, you know......

Shaw began his love affair with the open sea when he was just a lad, tooling around Sarasota Bay on his parent's dining room table, which he outfitted with a cast-off Evinrude.

After being thrown out of the house by his parents who were incensed at having to eat on the floor, young Pete built his own houseboat with all the comforts of home, including a private party deck with wet bar (ever popular with the ladies), and lived the good life cruising up and down the west coast of Florida.

Shaw even built his own runabout to access the shore when he couldn't maneuver his vessel into shallow water.

Over the years, Cap'n Shaw finally worked his way up to the boat of his dreams and proudly sailed his sleek 35-footer luxury cruiser, christened Chicken of the Sea, throughout the Gulf of Mexico, the Caribbean and the south Atlantic. You can imagine his chagrin at being told by the Sarasota Police Dept. that some landlubber objected to him anchoring his pride and joy outside of their picture window, saying that he and his boat were bastardizing their view of the bay. "It's like a stranger coming up to you and telling you that you have an ugly baby," says Shaw.

Shaw, as likely to get a fair a shake from law enforcement in Sarasota as Juan Perez before the videotape of him getting kicked was made public, has taken matters into his own hands. Authorities allege that Shaw silently made his way ashore on Bird Key in the dead of night yesterday and terrorized the wealthy enclave by threatening to burn down the guard house at the entrance, thereby allowing anyone and everyone--the 'common people', Shaw called them--to come onto the exclusive island.

For the appalled residents, the idea of mere peasants setting foot on their island paradise was too much to bear, so they identified the anonymous complainant. Shaw immediately set his beard afire and choked the man to death, as seen in this surveillance photo:

Shaw remains at large, although authorities believe he may be headed for the Outer Banks region of North Carolina, specifically Ocracoke Island, where local law enforcement intends to behead him and place his head on a pike when he is apprehended, as requested by the residents of Bird Key.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Fistfight Breaks Out Between Bush And Clinton While Filming Haiti Relief PSA

Reports have surfaced regarding an alleged confrontation between the two former presidents while filming a public service announcement at the behest of Pres. Obama to solicit help for the Haitian relief effort. Apparently, Pres. Clinton felt that Pres. Bush was not taking his role as a humanitarian seriously enough and grew angry when Bush veered from the scripted plea and failed to recite his lines at the proper time.

Clinton accused Bush of making a mockery of the proceedings, at which time Bush repeated, "You're making a mockery out of this, George," and laughed in Clinton's face. Clinton, visibly irritated, pushed Bush off his chair and onto the floor, threatening him with a punch in the nose.

Bush then promised Clinton and the videographer that he would quit fooling around and do the spot correctly, but when the camera started rolling again, Bush began mugging into the camera and silently mouthing the words Clinton was speaking. With that, Clinton paused, looked at Bush and struck him squarely on the jaw, sending the former president to the floor once more.

Bush, astonished that Clinton would have the audacity to sucker punch him, leapt onto Clinton, toppling him from his chair. Both former leaders of the free world wrestled around on the carpet for a minute before staffers could separate the two and restore order.

Fresh makeup was applied to cover the mens' scratches and bruises, especially Bush's rapidly swelling lower lip, Clinton's torn shirt collar hastily mended and both of their prized American flag lapel pins were adjusted back into place and the filming continued.

At the conclusion of the spot, Clinton angrily left the set, but not before calling Bush "a jackass." To which Bush replied, "I know you are, but what am I?"

Video from a Dutch producer reveals what transpired just before the altercation erupted:

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Nation Mesmerized By Sarasota Courtroom Drama

A judicial melodrama played out in a Sarasota courtroom late last week that wrestled away the nation's attention from the earthquake in Haiti, the legislative struggle over health care reform, the continuing economic woes and, surprisingly, the shakeup in late night TV, with a case that showed off the best that Sarasota has to offer--love gone wrong, a bitter divorce, personal accusations, a contested paternity, high-powered attorneys in a pitched battle for high-priced stakes, wads of cash, Hollywood, a mother's love and a cute factor of 85 on a scale of 1 to 10.

It's the heart-wrenching tale of Eli, the chimpanzee that everybody wants.

The case revolves around the disputed custody of the primate between Mike Casey, who contends that Eli was born at a chimp farm he formerly operated with his ex-wife, and Eli's current love interest, a Sarasota monkey maven with a moniker straight out of Tinsel Town, Virginia Valbuena, who has been caring for the monkey and counters that she adopted Eli from a California wildlife park. Casey wants a DNA test to determine Eli's true parentage because the mini-ape is worth a cool 65 grand to him and he wants to prove the little guy came from his chimp farm.

Valbuena, on the other hand, views Eli as more than just chimpanzee chattel to be fought over by two sparring spouses. She and Eli have developed a familial bond stronger than the almighty buck that is at the core of Casey's case. How do you put a price tag on love? Other than what you might be able to score on the North Trail on a Friday or Saturday night....

Citing care issues, Valbuena lobbied to bring the precocious primate into the courtroom, testifying that "no one would notice the difference between him and an 11-month-old baby "unless they looked closely.'" Mothers of 11-month old babies everywhere are mobilizing to slap a defamation of character class-action lawsuit on Valbuena just as soon as her chimp case is closed. Several religious groups from across the state are also considering a legal challenge to the "human-like" treatment the chimp is getting, arguing that they have already proven Darwin's theory wrong and that this is an abomination to all "Christian custody-challenged children everywhere."

Following lengthy legal wrangling and emotionally-charged testimony, the judge decided against swabbing some spit from the mouth of the monkey to determine his DNA and is witholding his judgement pending more information. Thus, Eli was returned to the custody of his handler, the vivacious Miss Valbuena, in a tender moment on the steps of the courthouse, much to the delight of the gathered throng of media, papparazzo and various other hangers-on.

Then, in an instant, the Kodak moment turned into an afternoon of horror as the normally docile Eli, frightened by the crush of humanity around him, the noise and the flash of the cameras, changed from a cuddly ball of fur into a raging maelstrom of death and destruction.

Eli flung the horrified Ms. Valbuena over his shoulder and charged through the crowd, slashing stunned Sarasotans in his wake. He made his way up Main Street as police poured from their headquarters across the street from the courthouse, reluctant to fire upon the monkey-run-amok for fear of hitting Ms. Valbuena.

With police cruisers blocking his way on Main, Eli headed back toward the bayfront only to be met with more arriving police, forcing him up Rt. 41 in a desperate bid for freedom, only to find that artery choked with despairing senior citizens, concerned that the chaos would preclude them from their favorite early-bird dining establishments. The frantic fugitive had but one avenue of escape remaining--UP!

Eli rumbled his way up the well-manicured drive of the Ritz-Carlton Hotel and began to climb with the desperation of a wanted felon, climbing ever higher in a hopeless attempt to leave his would-be tormenters behind and find a safe haven for his beloved Gini and himself. Upon reaching the very top of the edifice, Eli soon realized that his escape was to be temporary at best, as below, the crowd swelled with angry townsfolk, police on overtime and hotel guests complaining about the monkey and screaming woman with the heaving bosom in front of their windows, blocking their panoramic views of picturesque Sarasota Bay for which they had paid a premium to procure.

Sarasota Police Chief Peter Abbott put in an emergency call to the Venice airport, requesting aerial assistance to bring down the chimp and was put in immediate contact with Phantley Boggs, commander emeritus of the Retired Air Aces of Argonne. Commander Boggs had but one question for the chief, "Have you cleared this with City Manager Bartolotta and the Police Advisory Panel?" Upon confirmation of same, the RAA of A scrambled their squadron of Handly-Page aircraft to confront the wayward primate.

As the airplanes buzzed angrily about the head of the beleagured chimp, he tenderly placed the petrified Valbuena out of harm's way and prepared to do battle with the relentless enemy. The guns of the planes spit fire and death as they again and again swooped in toward the solitary figure perched precariously atop the parapet. With ever increasing futility, Eli tried to swat away this winged menace while they poured volley after volley of deadly fire into his furry little body.

Eventually the merciless adversary proved too much for the star-crossed chimpanzee as he clutched his breast and, losing his grip, tumbled down, down, down the side of the luxury hotel, crashing to the unforgiving pavement below.

It was there that Eli, the chimp, drew his final breath.

As police units from Sarasota P.D. stood with their feet resting upon the crumpled corpse of the chimp (ostensibly just to keep Eli from getting up and hurting himself), a reporter asked Chief Abbott, "'Twas it beauty killed the beast, Chief?"

"No, lad," Abbott wistfully replied, "I fear 'twas the plenitude of bullets from the water cooled .303 Vickers machine guns of the airplanes and the blunt force trauma suffered in the fall from the roof of the building, you moron."

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Citizen Group Throws Out Orioles At The Plate, Looks To Make It A Double Play

Just when it looked like spring training was all set to continue in Sarasota with the arrival of the Baltimore Orioles next month, the curmudgeons that make up the Sarasota Citizens for Responsible Government want to keep the O's baseball, even though it wasn't yet hit into their yard and didn't wreck a single petunia in their flower bed, but, they're assuming, those bratty rich kids from up north are secretly plotting with some other snot-noses from here in town to do just that. And the noise, too; those damn brats make all that noise when they play, too, don't forget that.

Because baseball is fun and, if it's fun, it ain't allowed in Sarasota.

Despite what looked like a sure victory with the scheduled start of spring training to begin here in a few weeks, this "citizens group" made a spectacular leaping grab at the wall off a carom, wheeled and unleashed a strong throw to home where several attorneys were blocking the plate, just itching for a collision so they could all fall down holding their necks and writhe around in pain until the ambulances came to take them to the bank of their choice.

The Sarasota Citizens For Responsible Government hope to hold a gala 'veiling' of the Ed Smith stadium sign when they ceremoniously drape a big, blue tarp over the "Welcome Orioles" sign.

The Sarasota Citizens For Responsible Government (herein to be known as SCFRG as a cost savings measure) contends that their duly-elected representatives from the city and the county threw a spitball to strike out their efforts to get baseball banned from Sarasota and are protesting the called third strike. Like any sore loser, they have resorted to name calling and kicking dirt on the umpire's feet and when that didn't work, the SCFRG is now trying to mount a full-scale, bench clearing brawl by involving all the citizens of Sarasota to vote in a referendum to determine the outcome of the game.

Taking your case directly to the people instead of going through regular legislative channels for your pet project is a time-honored tradition here in Florida, ie, our 2002 'pregnant pig' constitutional amendment and our 2000 'bullet train' constitutional amendment. Both of these grass-roots citizen referendums worked out so well, what could possibly go wrong with this one?

The commissioners are still smarting from the beating they took at the hands of the Boston Red Sox this past off-season. Believing the sultry promises whispered in their ears from Red Sox owners about the two of them hooking up for a good time, the commissioners rushed out to buy their hot date a present of $3 million worth of parking lot, run-down strip club and other sundry businesses to show them the county was serious about building their dream date a beach-front McMansion we're famous for, only to be left jilted when the Red Sox did not get a divorce and, in fact, renewed their vows with Lee County when they promised the Sox a bigger, newer house, just like the one they had back in Beantown.


The commissioners, on the rebound, sobered up, changed their shirt, showered and shaved and went out looking for love in all the wrong places and brought home the Orioles, who had been in an unhappy relationship with Ft. Lauderdale for some years. Not the trophy babe that was the Red Sox, but, at least, Sarasota wouldn't have to go through spring training alone and looking foolish after the Cincinnati Reds walked out on Sarasota last spring to go live in Arizona, after threatening to do for some time.

Only now the self-annointed 'parents' of the commissioners--the SCFRG--absolutely do NOT want those rich, under-achieving Orioles in their house and refuse to recognize this unholy union, laying down the law to prevent its consummation by holding a voter referendum on the issue. They are also demanding two public meetings to discuss the "pros and cons of spending public funds for baseball" after seeing the erudite civil discourse that occurred during all those health care reform town hall meetings this past year.

The SCFRG also demands that neither the city nor the county be allowed to lobby against the referendum, essentially imposing a gag rule on their elected representatives. No word on whether or not any other groups besides the SCFRG would be allowed to lobby voters.

And the county must establish a permanent oversight committee to make sure they don't talk about issues behind closed doors since, as everyone knows, that's the only way things get done in politics.

And, most importantly, the county must pay the estimated current legal fees of $50,000 racked up so far by the SCFRG. Good God, don't forget about paying the lawyers!

Buoyed by this recent success in throwing a monkey wrench into the already sputtering, oil-leaking, smoke-spewing 4-cylinder economic engine that is today's Sarasota, SCFRG is gearing up to revisit another area hot button issue, namely the new Ringling Bridge, which replaced the outdated, unreliable drawbridge that connects downtown to St. Armand's, Lido Key, Longboat Key and other tourist destinations where they are wont to spend their vacation dollars.

The oft-photgraphed span, which opened to traffic in 2003, has become a stunning additon to Sarasota Bay's already-bulging portfolio of glamor shots and is widely praised for its beauty and grace, as well as its utilitarian nature.

But, back in the day, there were those stick-in-the-muds that liked that old 1959 drawbridge just fine, thank you very much, and fought tooth and nail to keep it. Now, with the apparent success of the likes of SCFRG, there is hope anew to mount a referendum campaign to tear down the new Ringling Bridge and re-build the old Ringling Bridge.

Working to bring back "Old Florida" to Sarasota.......

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Obama To Relocate Entire Population Of Haiti To South Florida

In what is certain to be a highly controversial decision, Pres. Obama has announced plans to relocate the entire population of Haiti to South Florida in the coming months in order to facilitate the rebuilding of that beleagured nation following the recent earthquake there.

In a speech he intends to deliver to Congress and the American people this evening, Obama will call for emergency funding to transport, feed, clothe, house, educate and, of course, supply free medical care like America offers every other indigent on the planet, to the nearly nine million surviors to the Florida Everglades, where they will reside for a period not to exceed 10 years while reconstruction takes place in Haiti. Once that process is complete, the Haitians will then be transported back to their homeland.

Plans are for the new Temporary Haiti to be comprised of all contiguous lands south of Lake Okeechobee, east to I-95 and west to of I-75, excluding, by definition, the Keys and the wealthy enclave of Marco Island. While the land comprises just marginally less area than Haiti itself, administration officials are quick to point out that this arrangement is temporary. Said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, "Like they say in Florida, don't make your guest room too comfy or you'll never get rid of your company." We want to be clear that we do not intend for this to be a permanent arrangement with the people of Haiti."

Map of what is to become 'Temporary Haiti.'

When asked about the existing population of the proposed area, Gibbs replied that the million or so people already living there will have to move beyond the boundaries set forth by presidential decree. "To be clear, the United States government is not seizing these lands by eminent domain, but, rather, simply borrowing them for ten years, then they can move back. We realize that the Miccosukee Indian reservation comprises a large part of this parcel, but this country has a time-honored tradition of confiscating land promised to Native Americans. This administration is proud to continue that tradition."

Florida governor, Charlie Crist, sees this as a win-win situation for the state. "Having Haiti relocate to the Everglades will be a boon to the state's economy on many levels. First off, many Floridians will be involved with the transporting of the Haitian people to our state, as well as supplying them with food and clothing until they become self sufficient. In addition, Floridians will be working to rebuild the canals that we recently filled in when the state tried to reinstate the original water flow through the Glades. Now we need to drain all that reclaimed land so our new Haitian neighbors don't have wet feet while they're here."

"Florida residents will also be called upon to build millions of chickee huts for housing our visitors. This type of structure will be the perfect shelter for this operation, as it is environmentally friendly, ecologically sound and essentially temporary. Once the Haitians leave, the huts will blow away in the next hurricane. And, if a hurricane blows them away before they Haitians leave, then Floridians will get paid to build them again!"

"A chickee is a type of home invented by the Northern Seminole tribe. Chickee is the Seminole word for "house". The chickee style of architecture - palmetto thatch over a bald cypress log frame - was born during the early 1800s when Seminole Indians, pursued by U.S. troops, needed fast, disposable shelter while on the run. A raised wooden platform was also built into the sleeping and working chickee to provide cooling and protection from animals, insects, and flooding. Each chickee had its own purpose and together they were organized within a camp type community. Chickees were used for cooking, sleeping and eating." Wikipedia

"I envision one day soon when the vast wasteland prairies of the Everglades will be filled with millions upon millions of chickee huts, teeming with happy Haitians, singing about the wonders of their new homeland, Temporary Haiti."

"Well, it's not like we don't have the room for them or anything. Ever been to the Everglades? Just miles and miles of nothing......." Charlie Crist

When asked about the delicate ecological balance of the area, Gov. Crist said, "If we Floridians couldn't kill the Everglades with rampant development, pollution and the ravages of 'Big Sugar' decimating the land, I don't think having a few million Haitians here for ten years will make that much of a difference. Besides, if we can get the Haitians to view wild python as a cuisine delicacy, there's another problem solved!"

A stunning aerial view of the nothing that surrounds the newly re-named Lake Obama in north central Temporary Haiti.

Sarasota Prof Wages Junk Food Jihad On Local Schools

Lake Erie College of Medicine, located in Manatee County (go figure!), nutrition professor, Dr. Oren Rosenthal, has declared war on the waistlines of Sarasota County school children by submitting his menu manifesto to the school board. When received with a less than enthusiastic embrace of his ideas, the good doctor took his fast-food fatwa to the streets.

Studies indicate that some 41 percent of sixth-grade students in Sarasota are, according to strict interpretation of government guidelines, overweight and Rosenthal thinks that is primarily due to the proliferation of unhealthy food promotions that abound in the school system. Like any good conspiracy theorist, he keeps the evidence in a non-descript three-ring binder, containing damning contraband like the three rolls of Smarties, three Hershey kisses, three Starburst chews and one Jolly Rancher given to his daughter upon entering first grade with the note: "Welcome to First Grade. Here's a little survival kit teacher made just for you!"

She might just as well have given her students a pack of Camels and a six-pack of Bud.

And anonymous sources indicate that this monster continues to teach our children!

The professor's Mein Kampf, Someone Is Not Doing Their Job In Sarasota Schools_ School Board Letter_2009, is a compendium of the nutritional affronts foisted upon the children of Sarasota by the school system, ie, "allowing cupcakes into the classroom for birthday parties and.....snow-cakes and hot chocolate for Christmas parties," "ice cream galas for 'A' students," "a caramel a school bus driver once gave (his daughter)(to be fair, the bus driver had found the caramel on the floor from an earlier run and considered giving it to the girl as recycling and not assisted suicide by sugar)," "coupons for McDonald's that other bus drivers have handed out," "a person dressed in a Chick-Fil-A costume was a judge at the elementary school science fair" and the indignity of his daughter's third-grade math assignment, "all of which involved theoretical M&M candies."

Rosenthal contends that had the math quiz involved broccoli and beets, his daughter would not be repeating third grade this year.

Rosenthal is calling for a 'zero tolerance' policy on unhealthy food, believing that moderation has no place in today's society. His idea of giving his children a sweet treat is watering down their juice so that it becomes mostly water "to stop their taste buds from craving sugar." Good times, indeed.

Once Rosenthal is successful in rooting out all vestiges of junk food in the schools, he intends to take his campaign of 'no fat, no sugar, no carb, no fun' into the community and into the home, vowing to rid the streets of the fast-food pushers on every corner that feed the addictions of junk-food junkies, Happy Meals be damned!

Easter eggs would really be eggs, all organic from free range chickens, no yolks, of course. The menu at summer picnics at the beach or the park would consist of raw fruit, raw vegetables, no carbs and that old standby, watered-down juice. Mmmmmmm.

Halloween? Note to children everywhere--skip the Rosenthal's place, unless you have a hankering for freshly-scrubbed carrots and chilled brussel sprouts. Turkeys everywhere would no longer fear November, since tofu turkeys would be mandated by the mad doctor of menus.

And those yummy Hanukah and Christmas treats that Grandma makes every year?

This would become Rosenthal's Public Enemy No. 1:

Friday, January 15, 2010

Limbaugh, Robertson Say No Aid To Haiti, "They Had It Coming...."

Beloved political gadfly, Rush "I Have A Gold Microphone And You Don't" Limbaugh has come out four square against humanitarian aid going to earthquake-ravaged Haiti under the auspices of the United States. Adoring groupies are already selling finely-tailored polo shirts online emblazoned with his now famous quote: "We've already donated to Haiti. It's called the U.S. income tax." Just $39.95. Plus tax. Made in Sri Lanka.

Limbaugh went on to pontificate that, naturally, the earthquake was all Obama's fault, declaring that Obama "...will use it to burnish his credentials with minorities in this country and around the world, and to accuse Republicans of having no compassion." Apparently assuming that the rest of the country is short-sighted, conniving and self-serving. Except that he's so much better at it than everybody else.

Conservatives everywhere immediately fell into lockstep behind der Rush and called for a complete end to aid for Haiti, citing that China has already sent help and that the US shouldn't participate in anything in which "those damn Chinamen" are involved. Tea Party demonstrations are springing up all over the nation, calling for the recall of any material goods or personnel already dispatched to the island nation because, as one matronly patriot from Sarasota, FL, put it, "I don't really know a thing about Haiti, except that Gloria down at the club said that it's somewhere between Cuba and that Hugo Chavez character, so they're most likely Obama Communists anyway, right? And they're, well, you know, black like him, aren't they? So, the hell with them."

There are those who believe that Obama is positioning himself to take over the leadership of a newly-rebuilt Haiti so that when he completes his total dismantling of America and the destruction of all things American, he will relocate to this new American taxpayer-funded Eden, declaring himself its absolute sovereign, the latest in Haiti's long line of "Leaders For Life."

Limbaugh implored his loyal listeners that they should not let this over-hyped bit of unpleasantness in Haiti divert their attention or their financial support for his on-going capital campaign to fund construction of the Rush Limbaugh Memorial Cigar Bar at the West Palm Beach Yacht Club.

Limbaugh was reportedly rushed to an undisclosed hospital this afternoon at the end of his radio broadcast when smoke began billowing from his mouth accompanied by the overpowering odor of brimstone......

Meanwhile, noted televangelist and fellow conservative, Pat "God Has Me On Speed Dial" Robertson, has proclaimed that Haiti's earthquake and subsequent human catasrophe is because of a pact concocted on August 14, 1791 between leaders of the Haitian freedom movement and Satan--yes, that Satan--which resulted in Haiti declaring its independence from France.

"Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it," Robertson said. "They were under the heel of the French ... and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, 'We will serve you if you'll get us free from the French.'"

"True story," he continued. "And the devil said, 'OK, it's a deal.' Ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after another."

It is also believed that, Satan being Satan (see previous story above), also inked a similar secret deal with the French to keep Haiti from becoming independent which, when Haiti followed through on their plans, incensed French leaders to no end, crying le breach of contract. Legend follows that Old Nick summoned the most wretched of his minions from the deepest circle of Hell to provide legal counsel for him, to wit: "Hey, he's the Devil. What'd you expect?" The French immediately surrendered; a tradition that continues unto this very day.

His High Holiness of Hot Air, telling Haiti's desperate souls, "I got your Christian charity right here....."

Not to be outdone, Tiger Woods, desperate for a bit of positive PR, is reportedly going to make a multi-million dollar donation to the relief effort through his recently-formed Tigress Foundation by asking his cadre of cocktail-waitress mistresses to contribute a portion of their tips and other 'earnings' this weekend.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Earthquake Relief: Sarasota To Send Massive Numbers Of Attorneys, Realtors, Developers To Haiti

In response to the recent earthquake disaster in Haiti, relief agencies from all over the world are mobilizing efforts to assuage the suffering of the Haitian people. In a heartwarming display of goodwill, international bickering and ideological differences have been put aside to come to the aid of the stricken.

Sarasota's philanthropic community has joined the rescue and relief efforts of the world by promising to send a large number of much-needed experts to get the country back on its collective feet, namely lawyers, real estate professionals, mortgage brokers, developers, investment bankers and politicians.

Said one attorney, "We see an opportunity to help these impoverished people reclaim their lives. We are currently working on a telephone helpline--1-800-Get-Cash--so it will be ready whenever the lazy slugs that are supposed to be repairing the telephones get their act together. We have already instituted legal proceedings against the National Telephone Company of Haiti for not keeping the phone system working during the earthquake. We see a tremendous amount of money to be made for our clients by suing landlords, builders, earthquake forecasters, anybody really who didn't specifically plan for this tragedy."

Real estate team leaders are mobilizing groups of local realtors to fan out in the afflicted areas to buy up distressed and collapsed properties and help the homeless buy new homes in the gated communities that they are expecting to spring up in the surrounding countryside that will overlook the sparkling clear Caribbean waters, with breathtaking views of the picturesque azure bays that are nestled at the foot of the vibrantly-colored gently sloping foothills, reflecting the grandeur of your spacious, well-appointed villa, complete with all the amenities that fine living entails, including integral garage. Pre-construction pricing in effect. NOW IS THE TIME TO BUY!

Suncoast developers are attempting to locate any building department officials left alive to get preliminary approval on their plans to build those subdivisions. Plans call for dozens of condominium-like complexes, a combination of the traditional local shantytowns and neo-Alpine chateaus--'shanteaus'--to be built along existing fault lines, citing the astronomical odds of another earthquake happening in the same place within the next 25 years. "Considering that the average lifespan of a Haitian is only 37.4 years," said one well-known Sarasota developer, "we think that's a pretty good deal. Hell, we don't even build 'em to last that long in the States."

Construction experts expect to offer reasonably-priced housing, yet still make a profit by using the glut of Chinese drywall available on the world's markets for bargain basement prices. "Listen, when you're living in a place with mud floors, no plumbing, no electric, no AC and no windows or doors, do you really think having 'tainted drywall' is going to make you think twice about moving into one of our places?" asked the developer.

Neil and Chris Moody, local investment brokers who are currently under investigation by the SEC for their role in the Art Nadel ponzi scandal, are seeking permission from the courts to travel to Haiti to begin reviving the financial system of the stricken nation. Their attorneys submitted a petition this morning, citing, among other reasons, the Moody's "well-documented largesse and philanthropic activities in the Sarasota community, including, but not limited to, area Ferrari dealerships, Mercedes dealerships, Lexus dealerships, fine wine suppliers, upscale jewelers and various dining establishments throughout the Suncoast." The legal brief also states that "since immediate travel directly to Haiti is prohibitive, the Moodys are prepared to proceed to the banking capitals of Monaco or Geneva and direct their efforts from said location until it becomes feasible to continue on to Haiti. If ever."

Several local politicians are currently enroute to the disaster zone at the behest of the Baltimore Orioles baseball team, who will be holding spring training in Sarasota. The politicians hope to convince Haitian officials that the best use of the influx of cash donations from relief organizations is to build a state-of-the-art baseball complex before addressing other infrastructure concerns such as roads and bridges and ensuring safe drinking water supplies. "Haiti has such a rich baseball heritage," said one county commissioner. "It only makes sense to make this their first priority, as it will provide hundreds of good-paying jobs and the collateral economic impact will be immeasureable. Not to mention that many, many young Haitians are already in America making millions of dollars playing baseball, although their names escape us right now."

Donations to aid in this extraordinary effort are being accepted at Scoop Management on Main Street.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Fired USF and Texas Tech Football Coaches To Open Gladiator Training Camp For Teens

Disgraced University of South Florida football coach, Jim "The Hammer" Leavitt, told reporters that he is moving forward from his dismissal and has already been contacted by IMG Academy in Bradenton to begin a "physical and mental toughness program" at the facility. He will be joined in the effort by recently-fired Texas Tech football coach, Mike Leach. Both men were terminated from their respective coaching positions for the alleged mistreatment of some of their players.

In Leavitt's case, he was accused of verbally accosting and subsequently striking sophomore Joel Miller during a half-time tirade in the Bulls locker room. Both Leavitt and Miller denied the incident took place, but university administrators received corroborating testimony from several other players who witnessed the event.

Actual cell phone image of USF player, Joel Miller, taken in locker room after alleged attack.

The official report released by USF President, Judy Genshaft, said that Leavitt entered the trainer's room during half time of the Louisville game and addressed a player named Gomez by growling:

"What position do you play, Gomez?"

"Left tackle, sir."

"Me, too. I used to play left tackle, too. Where did you get hurt?"

"Hip pointer, sir."

"Well, this might be interesting to you. The last Louisville player I saw didn't have a hip. Didn't have any head, either. You get well quickly, son."

Moving on to Joel Miller, Leavitt noticed the sophomore special teams player sitting with his head in his hands, softly whimpering.

"What's the matter with you?" Leavitt barked impatiently.

"I guess I just can't take the hitting, sir," Miller stammered quietly.

"What did you say?" Leavitt asked as he leaned into the player.

"It's my nerves, sir. I just can't stand the pounding anymore."

"Your nerves? Hell, you're just a goddamn coward," Leavitt said, slapping the sobbing player twice across the face. "I won't have a yellow bastard crying in front of these brave, wounded players."

As Miller continued to cry, Leavitt slapped his helmet, sending it flying across the room, telling him to "shut up."

"Don't treat this yellow bastard," he told the trainers. "Nothing wrong with him. I won't have sons of bitches afraid to play stink up this place of honor. You're going back on the field, my friend. You may get blindsided, you may get chop blocked, but you're going back into the game. Either that or I'll stand you up right here and take you off at the knees."

"I should pound you myself, you bastard!" Leavitt screamed, cocking his right arm. The staff scambled into action to hustle Miller away from the red-faced coach. "Get him out of here! Send him back out to the field! You hear me? You goddamn coward! I won't have cowards on my team!"

Rumors of the incident had been swirling around campus since the Nov. 21 Louisville game, complete with denials, retractions and retractions of retractions. When the inquiry was complete, Leavitt's actions were deemed as "not consistent with the goals of the university." Observers are divided as to whether this statement referred to the alleged slapping incident or Leavitt's tradition of his team's falling apart and losing most of their games in the second half of their seasons.

Leavitt told gathered reporters as he left his former office at USF that he was looking forward to his new partnership with Leach and that history would be his judge. He said he was visited last night by the ghost of former Ohio State football coaching legend, Woody Hayes. Hayes told him not to worry about punching out a player; he had done the same many years ago and he, too, was fired because of it, but he remains an icon at OSU to this day, years after his death.

"Of course," said Leavitt, "Woody's ghost told me that it probably would have been better if I would have slugged an opposing player instead of one on my own team......"

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Girls' Basketball Phenom Dismissed From Local High School Team

The Riverview High School of Sarasota County girls' basketball program suffered a severe setback earlier today when it was revealed that the team's star player, Boyanka Angelova, was dropped from the roster. While the boys' hardwood team, the Riverview Rams, look to have a mediocre-at-best team this year, the girls' hoopsters, the Fightin' Ewes, had what appeared to be a powerhouse, spearheaded by the incredible ball-handling abilities of sophomore phenom Angelova.

Said dejected coach, Hannah "Hookshot" Hourihan, "I'm as disappointed by the kid washing out as anybody. When she walked onto the court this fall, I thought I had the proverbial diamond in the rough, you know."

"She had great ball control, soft hands, deceptive quickness, a tremendous physical presence on the court, but could never quite get the fundamentals of the game. We'd run drill after drill, but she just couldn't get the hang of it. Unteachable; never had her head in the game. Never wanted to wear the standard uniform, either. A real prima donna, that kid."

"Oh, she was a real crowd pleaser, all right. But the fouls killed us. Double dribble. Walking with the ball. Palming the ball. Just one thing after another."

"We'd feed her the ball and that would be it; she'd never get the ball away before the shot clock ran out. Don't get me wrong, she was a wonder to behold and all, but you only win games by scoring points and you only score points by putting the ball through the hoop. She just couldn't seem to grasp that concept."

Sarasota Woman Unhappy With Results Of Taco Bell Diet, Weighs Legal Action

A Sarasota woman is contemplating legal action against a fast-food giant over what she feels are unacceptable results from their ubiquitously-advertised diet program. Inga Thorvald, 26, was excited by the possibility of dropping those 15 lbs. she's wanted to lose since college by simply eating prescribed fare from the Taco Bell drive-thru. She was impressed by the before and after photos of diet spokesperson, Christine Dougherty, and thought that, if Dougherty could lose 54 lbs. on the diet, she would have no problem losing her planned 15 lbs.

Ms. Thorvald began hitting the Taco Bell drive-thru for lunch and dinner, reasoning that eating more of the newly-christened diet food would hasten her weight loss. Not seeing the pounds melt away as quickly as she had imagined, she then began frequenting the drive-thru lane of the fast food outlet as many as 5 times a day. Before long, friends and family noticed a subtle change in Ms. Thorvald, as her craving for cheap Mexican food dispensed from a faceless, soulless drive-thru window began to slowly take over her life.

Friends had tried hiding her car keys, scouring her Siesta Key condo for loose change and, as a last resort, removing the engine from her bright red Saab convertible, but she always managed to find a way back to Taco Bell. Finally an intervention was staged as Ms. Thorvald stood waiting in the drive-thru lane of the Clark Rd. location in the pouring rain one day last week, dressed in only a thin tank top and ragged sweat pants that, at one time, proudly announced, "American Idol: I'm Going To Hollywood" on their seat.

Local interventionist and frequent guest on the Oprah and Dr. Phil television programs, Dr. Alicia B. Sullivanofsky, had her whisked into a waiting van and taken to an undisclosed location for a series of intense mind detoxification and reverse brainwashing sessions, including long periods of listening to nothing but Glenn Beck diatribes and Rush Limbaugh rants, designed to numb the brain into a near-comatose state, at which time it can then be successfully re-programmed.

As her mental recovery progressed, Ms. Thorvald became cognizant of her physical state, leading her to contact legal counsel regarding possible action against the fast food chain. In an ironic turn of events, her attorney is none other than former fast food diet spokesman, Jared Fogle, who earned his law degree after being unceremoniously dumped by his former employer, Subway Sandwich Shops.

Ms. Thorvald's contention is that the Taco Bell Drive-Thru Diet did, in fact, cause her appearance to change from this.... this, in only 4 1/2 months of eating the psuedo-Mexican fast food sold at the establishment.

Taco Bell had no comment.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Snow, Ice, Freezing Temps Ravage Sarasota, Officials To Tout Area As "Winter Playground"

The Sarasota/Manatee Convention and Visitor Board has just announced plans to begin a multi-million dollar marketing campaign to advertise the sun and surf of the Suncoast as a hastily-reconfigured "Snowcoast," hoping to capitalize on the freak cold weather that has wreaked havoc upon the area.

With the local weathermen forecasting, in their words, "seemingly endless cold," the region's tourism gurus had to come up with a plan to differentiate us from the traditional winter playgrounds of the wealthy, such as Aspen, Vail, Lake Tahoe and the like.

While the Arctic-like conditions brought misery and heartache to local residents, the Sarasota Tourism Development Council scrambled to produce frothy "Visit Sarasota's Snowcoast--It's Not Your Grandma's Florida" brochures, featuring scenic photos taken by area residents.

The Sarasota Ritz-Carlton left a window open in one of their bathrooms to produce this picturesque scene:

The frigid weather brought it's share of tragedy to the Snowcoast, as well. North Port emergency personnel report that they were unable to rescue a man who had fallen through the ice-covered Warm Mineral Springs. Authorities say the corpse of the unidentified Eastern European tourist had to be transported in the bed of a city public works dump truck when his frozen limbs could not be stretched out and he would not fit into the back of the ambulance.

Visitors to the South Jetty on the north end of Venice Beach were shocked to discover the presence of scores of penquins, who repulsed fishermen and tourists foolhardy enough to venture onto the popular rocky point. Police cordoned off the area and advised everyone to go to the North Jetty, located in South Sarasota County, on the opposite side of the Intracoastal Waterway, where, strangely enough, there were no penquins. Mote Marine biologists could only assume that this was due to the fact that penguins are found only at the South Pole, but not the North Pole, and that some mysterious time-space latitudinal continuum ran between the two jetties, replicating the magnetic properties of the opposing polar regions. "But," said one scientist, "that's just a guess, since we don't usually deal with penguins."

Visitors were few on City Island Park, where spray from the raging surf of Sarasota Bay had blanketed the benches with ice.

Also affected was the city's controversial new mooring field in Sarasota Bay. Several expensive boats tied up at the city-owned facility were either heavily damaged or sunk. Beleaguered officials were quick to point out that they believe that the water crafts were damaged by the ice and not because the mooring points had failed, thereby relieving the city from any culpability for damages.

Meanwhile, area real estate tycoon, Michael Saunders, placed a full-page ad in the Sarasota Herald-Tribune announcing a "Beat the Spring Rush" sale on all properties listed for $750,000 or more and offering a free give-away of a kerosene space heater and a complimentary snow shovel with each new sale.

Several inches of new snow is forecast for the region tonight.

Friday, January 1, 2010


Our long national nightmare is finally over!

The bitter battle between Time Warner Cable and Fox News has ended and negotiations are currently underway to sign the instruments of peace. To be sure, there are myriad details to be worked out, but both sides have ceased hostilities and vow to honor the temporary truce cobbled together by Jimmy Carter, who had arranged for both sides to meet in Hawaii.

The peace process nearly collapsed when Fox favorite, Rush Limbaugh, fell ill and was hospitalized. Pres. Obama, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and representatives of Time Warner were convinced by former-President Carter to meet delegates from Fox News in Limbaugh's hospital suite in a last-ditch effort to end the conflict.

Limbaugh, though slipping in and out of consciousness, courageously helped hammer out the articles of peace, doggedly determined that his voice should not be stifled due to idiosyncrasies of the free enterprise system.

Inklings of an armistice had only recently surfaced as the two warring juggernauts hurtled toward certain Armageddon with the specter of no NFL, no Sugar Bowl, no Bill O'Reilly, no American Idol, no Glenn Beck to be broadcast on Time Warner cable outlets, including Bright House Network of Bradenton. Area survivalists were already preparing for the worst, buying up every available set of rabbit ears in a three-state area. Internet web sites offered step-by-step instructions on how to build homemade television antennas out of old windshield wipers, a Scotch tape dispenser and a used pacemaker.

The Sarasota/Manatee Chapter of the All-American Tea Party had planned a massive demonstration scheduled for January 3rd, with the intended goal of bullying and intimidating Bright House Network into breaking away from Time Warner and forming a new Tea Party Network that would broadcast ONLY Fox News and Fox Sports. It is unclear at this time, however, if those plans have been abandoned now that peace is imminent or if it will go on as designed.

The news reached Bradenton just as the Sugar Bowl was being broadcast on Bright House, featuring the Florida Gators against some other team too lowly to even be identified in this report. When news anchors broke into the live feed to announce the joyous news of peace, Bright House offices were soon inundated by calls from irate fans, incensed that the network would have the blasphemous gall to interrupt a University of Florida football telecast.

Revelers flooded the streets of Sarasota in a spontaneous eruption of unbridled joy and celebration. The Sarasota Police Dept. estimated the crowd at around 150,000 throughout the downtown area, with the exception of Five Points Park, which is notorious for its transient and homeless population and long considered a death trap for anyone foolish enough to enter.

View of Sarasota from Gulfstream Blvd. looking toward the Rich Swier Memorial Bridge.

At one point, the celebration turned ugly and Sarasota law enforcement in full riot gear was forced to mount a full-scale rescue attempt of a health care worker, believed to be from Sarasota Memorial Hospital, from a vicious attack by an obviously-inebriated member of the famed rock group, The Village People. The woman, who requested anonymity for obvious reasons, later expressed concerns that she fears that she will mysteriously always be reminded of this most horrifying incident whenever she visits the Sarasota bayfront.
So, rest easy tonight, America. Peace is at hand. And while we may still have our men and women in harm's way in Iraq and Afghanistan, take comfort in the fact they are fighting for our God-given right to have this beamed into our living rooms every week from Fox: