I Came To Sarasota For The Waters

Nation Gasps At Release of Casey Anthony Jurors' Names

2011-10-25T21:29:00.003-04:00

The state of Florida, where only politicians and other professional crooks can get away with crimes without being trotted out in the public domain, has just released the names of the twelve Pinellas County residents who answered the call to do their civic duty and serve on the jury of the sensational Casey Anthony murder trial. While the release of their names is almost certain to bring them undeserved ill-will and animosity from friends and strangers alike, it does answer a lot of questions about how they came up with a "not guilty" verdict in almost record time.

The jurors were:

John Wilkes Anthony
Timothy McVeigh Anthony
Bonnie P. Anthony
Clyde Anthony
Lee Harvey Anthony
Charles Manson Anthony
Theodore Bundy Anthony
Osama Bin Anthony
J. Dahmer Anthony
Eileen Wournos Anthony
Theodore Kaczynski Anthony
Rush Limbaugh Anthony

Sarasota Police Investigate Local Saudi-9/11 Connection: "Nope, Nothing To See Here, Folks. Move Along Now...."

2011-09-14T20:34:00.010-04:00

The Sarasota Sheriff's Office has closed the case of a possible connection between the 9/11 terrorists and a local Saudi family who fled their home in the prestigious, gated community of Prestancia just days before Sept. 11th, 2001. Sheriff's deputies visited the house in the pricey Palmer Ranch enclave of Prestancia at the request of concerned citizens who grew suspicious of its occupants.

Deputies visited the home and were met at the door by an elderly gentleman, Mr. B.N. Lowden, who claimed to be a "good friend" of the owner, Abdulazzi al-Hiijjii, who was not currently present in the home.

Family friend, Mr. B.N. Lowden

He introduced the wife of the owner, Anoud al-Hiijjii,who said she didn't know when her husband would return.

She said the deputies were welcome to ask his brothers, who were in the backyard discussing the placement of a proposed swimming pool. None of the five siblings could say when their brother, Abdulazzi, would be returning home.

Deputies also noted the presence of a youngster at the home and inquired as to why the boy was not in school. Mrs. al-Hiijjii told the officers that the boy was being home schooled and did not attend a Sarasota County school. They said they understood and commended the mother for letting the boy express his 2nd Amendment right to keep and bear arms, when so many other parents needlessly fretted over children having access to firearms.

A Sheriff's Dept. spokescop said that the deputies had thoroughly investigated the home and its occupants and found nothing out of the ordinary and the case was considered closed. The report ended by stating the obvious: "It's Sarasota."

Deputies did not, however, want to waste an entire afternoon of police work with nothing to show for it, so they issued a citation to Mr. Earl Wingdammer, who lives in an adjacent cul-de-sac, charging the octogenarian with allowing his grass to exceed the prescribed limit of 2 3/8" in height. He was fined $250.

Two US Senators Revealed to be Offspring of Evil Genius

2011-07-26T20:38:00.009-04:00

Investigators for the British Secret Service have revealed that two prominent US politicians are the illegitimate sons of evil madman, Dr. Julius No.

The late Dr. No, who was killed in 1962 near Jamaica by British secret agent, James Bond, just seconds before No's plot to rule the world could be fulfilled. The crazed megalomaniac apparently had two sons who have long awaited the chance to complete their father's dream of bringing the world to its knees.

These two slithery geniuses grew up in America and insinuated their way into American politics, eventually rising to positions within the Congress where they can now put their father's nefarious plot into motion, as the world stands by, helpless to stop them.

British sources have identified the two bastard children of Dr. No as:

Senator No

and Senator Hell No

Arizona Comes To Norway

2011-07-25T17:12:00.006-04:00

An open letter to Mr. Anders B. Breivik

Dear Brother-In-Arms,

You done good!

You have took up the fight that we been fightin' here in the great state of Arizona ever since we took it from the Injuns and the Mexes. God gave us this here place and we intend to keep it fer ourselves, no matter who we got to kill. That's why, when God gave us Arizona, he gave us guns, too.

Ever since then, it has been open season here in Arizona on Injuns, Mexes, colored folk, Democratic Congresswomen and others who don't look like us or talk like us or think like they way we think they should think. And those Muslims that you're so rightly worried about--why don't they just go back to............Muslimania. Or wherever the hell it is they come from.

I heard some news guy say th' other day that they first thought it was them Muslim terrorists that shot down them kids over there. I say, it was Muslim terrorists. I say, if you weren't so dang worried about Muslims wreckin' your country, you wouldn't have had to shoot all them folks to get people's attention, am I right?

You don't want 'em in Norway and we for damn sure don't want 'em here.

I want you to know that if them Norwayers ever let you outta the hoosegow over there, you got a home here in Arizona. And bring your shootin' irons, 'cause, buddy, you're sure gonna need 'em here. We got us a proud tradition of shootin' first and askin' questions later. And we're a-gettin' to the point where we ain't even askin' questions no more 'cause we just don't plum care no more what you got to say 'fore we drill ya.

Me and the boys'll get you a house to live in (lots of foreclosures around these parts since we scared off so many Mexes), get you a job working for the Arizona Border Patrol (since it seems like them Federal boys don't give a hoot in hell about securin' our borders, so we do it our own selves), maybe hook you up with some young filly of your likin', get you an NRA membership and a "Good Neighbor" discount card at Bob's Bullet Barn of Bisbee, for all your ammunition needs, 'specially them hard-to-find items like them holler-point, Kevlar-piercin' babies, before Hussein Obama takes them away.

But, that there's another story.....

Well, I sure do hope everything works out for you over there in Norwayland, pardner. As we say in these here parts, "wear your hat low and your pistols lower."

Your friend in the struggle from Arizona,

The Scalphuntin' Demon of Gila Bend

"Extremism, in the defense of liberty, is no vice"
Barry, By God, Goldwater, Arizona's Favorite Son

Casey Anthony's Mysterious Nanny Revealed!

2011-07-12T21:55:00.003-04:00

And she's just as evil as poor Casey said she was.............

Derek Jeter Seeks Variance For "Emergency" Addition To Tampa Home

2011-07-09T21:52:00.004-04:00

Yankee shortstop, Derek Jeter, reached the milestone of 3,000 base hits on Saturday before an adoring throng of New York faithful. He drove a ball over the left field wall for a memorable exclamation point on his achievement.

Following his triumphant return to the Yankee dugout, he was seen talking on the telephone. After the game, a reporter asked Jeter if he had a call from the president or some other famous celebrity congratulating him on this momentous occasion.

"No," he calmly replied, "I had to call my lawyer. I need him to start proceedings to get me a zoning variance right away on my place in Tampa so I can put a couple of thousand more square-foot addition on it."

When the reporter observed that Jeter, a bachelor, had just recently finished construction on the $7.7 million, 30,000 square foot house on the ultra-exclusive community of Davis Islands, the slugger responded, "Yeah, but that was before all this. I'm gonna need that extra room just to hold my ego................"

Casey Anthony Acquitted--Pictures From The Defense Celebration

2011-07-06T22:22:00.001-04:00

The jury, in an obvious rush to get home and make up for the wasted 4th of July weekend spent listening to closing arguments, declared accused killer, Casey Anthony, not guilty of all charges except fibbing on Tuesday.

In a hushed courtroom, the foreman of the jury announced the verdict. When Judge Belvin Perry polled the jury by asking, "So say you all?", he was answered with a chorus of: "Yeah, whatever. Can we go now?"

When it was apparent that the defendant was, in fact, exonerated of the charges of capital murder, manslaughter and jaywalking in the act of disposing of a corpse, confetti rained down upon the elated--and somewhat mystified--defense team. Ms. Anthony and the defense team rushed to the jury box and gave high-fives to the jurors and nearby spectators. A reporter in the courtroom shouted to Ms. Anthony, "You've just been declared 'not guilty' by a jury of your peers. What are you going to do now?"

"I'm going to DisneyWorld!" she gushed.

As the defendant was led back to the lock up to await sentencing on Thursday, the jubilant defense team repaired to posh restaurant Terrace 390 across the street and began their victory celebration. The giddy lawyers donned specially-made baseball caps and jerseys emblazoned with the logo: "World Courtroom Champions, Orlando, 2011. A monsoon of expensive Champagne soaked the normally-staid barristers as they reveled in their come-from-behind victory.

"I'll tell you what," shouted lead defense lawyer, Jose Baez, "It just goes to show you that you can never give up. There's no quit in this team. I told these guys when we first started putting this case together that we were gonna pull this off. All the trash talking throughout the trial by the prosecution--not to take anything away from them, they did a helluva job, but I think this verdict shows who the better counsel was in the courtroom today."

His summation was cut short when another man came up from behind Baez and sprayed the remnants of a bottle of Dom Perignon on his head. Baez turned and put the interloper in a good-natured head lock. "And--ha--this guy right here, this guy was a big part of this team", referring to co-counsel, Cheney Mason. "We couldn't have done without him and I'm just so proud to have had Cheney here this year."

Mason hugged Baez and laughed, "I hope you feel the same way in a couple months, Jose"--an obvious reference to Mason's upcoming free-agency negotiations.

As a crowd gathered outside the restaurant to watch the celebration on a hastily-erected big screen TV, Orlando police had to be called in to keep the unruly celebrants from getting out of hand. Said one officer in full riot gear, "Orlando gets a lot of Canadian visitors this time of year. We saw what happened in Vancouver when the Canucks lost; we shudder to think what kind of hell they would raise if they ever won anything....."

TV news anchor and professional keeper of justice, Nancy Grace, appeared outside the raucous nightclub and, brimming with righteous indignation, barged past the contingent of police and security guards and into the restaurant, claiming she was, in fact, Geraldo Rivera. Once inside, she angrily confronted the lead attorneys and accused them of a grave miscarriage of justice, railing against their misleading the jury, their misrepresentation of the facts, the lies, the deceit of anyone who disagrees with her.

The lawyers looked at her in stunned silence as she concluded her impassioned castigation of the judicial system as she sees it. Then they hosed her down in a flood of Champagne.

As the Champagne struck her steaming head, it exploded in a shower of tiny gray cells.

Meanwhile, across town in a run-down Denny's, the scene at the post-trial prosecution get-together was vastly different.......

City of Sarasota Begins Removal of Controversial Parking Meters

2011-07-04T21:45:00.000-04:00

Bowing to pressure from Main Street merchants (and their campaign contributions) and from whatever direction the wind is blowing on this particular day, the Sarasota City Commission has begun the late-night surreptitious removal of the ill-fated parking meters that were installed a scant six weeks ago.

Noting that the parking meters have, indeed, accomplished their intended mission of controlling parking in the downtown core, Sarasota PD Parking Liaison, Capt. Jeffrey "The Enforcer" Karr said, "The meters obviously served their purpose. There's not a car parked anywhere here on Main Street," as he surveyed the empty boulevard. Empty, except for the fleet of shiny new Parking Enforcement carts, loaded down with menacing-looking "boots" festooned with crudely-drawn skull and crossbones that were to be locked onto those vehicles with expired meters. Also on the street were about a dozen or so newly-minted "Meter Matrons" standing by the carts, a stone-faced group of 70-year old chain-smoking women who were all apparently fired from their former jobs as maximum-security prison guards for mistreatment of their hardened-criminal charges.

"This is a great day for the citizens of Sarasota," crowed mayor Suzanne Atwell, a former proponent of the meters, when asked about their removal. "I think it shows how just how responsive this Commission is. Two months ago, we listened to the voice of the people and installed the meters and, now, we've listened again to the voice of the people and we're yanking them out. And, yes, I realize that we spent almost $500,000 to install the meters, half that much again to purchase our new Traffic Enforcement vehicles and about $175, 000 to recruit, train and pay for anger-management classes for our new "Meter Matrons".

"But we got a really great deal on removing the meters......"

I'm Evan Longoria and I'm The N.R.A.

2011-03-29T22:09:00.000-04:00

I'm Evan Longoria. I'm the third-baseman for the Tampa Bay Rays. I'm paid millions of dollars to play a game and, by extension, be a role model for my young fans. Recently, someone burglarized the house I was renting with two other teammates and stole my AK-47 assault rifle that I keep for....for.....well, it's none of your goddam business why I keep it, actually. It's my God-given Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms in defense of......well, that's none of your business either.

The rifle was purchased legally, registered legally and possessed legally and responsibly by me.

Until it was stolen.

Now, I don't know how it's going to be used. Quite possibly, it will be owned by another responsible gun owner. Or maybe it'll just be sold for some crack cocaine. Or maybe some 16-year old kid will get his hands on it and impress his friends by accidentally shooting a few of them. Then again, maybe somebody will use it to stick up the 7-11 where you and your family just happen to be buying chips and Slurpees and you'll all get hosed down in a hail of bullets.

Either way, not my problem. I can't be held responsible for what happens with it now. It was stolen, remember? Plus, I can afford to buy another one. Or ten. Don't care.

Hell, show up at Tropicana Field with it someday and I just might autograph it for you.

Because now that it's public knowledge that I owned an assault rifle, maybe opposing pitchers will think twice next time before throwing that high hard one at me..........

I'm Evan Longoria. And I'm the N.R.A.

Winner Declared In 2012 Presidential Race

2011-03-14T22:01:00.000-04:00

   Palin/Sheen
   2012

What happens when you inject a mama grizzly with tiger blood? A force so awesome that one drop would kill Chuck Norris!

One can see Russia from her front porch; one can see the seventh moon of Uranus.

In the daylight.

In his basement.

With his eyes closed.

Sarasota Detective Fired For Becoming His Own Country (What?)

2011-02-21T21:52:00.000-05:00

A man goes to local courthouse and files documents declaring himself a "sovereign citizen," complete with "a thumb print on each page and a photocopy of 21 silver pieces — the price to become a "freeman." That man now considers himself no longer subject to the laws of the United States and, as such, exempt from the bother of paying taxes, among other things.

In most places, that man would be considered "nuts."

In Sarasota, that man walks the streets. He carries a gun. He wears a badge. In Sarasota, that man is homicide detective, Tom Laughlin.

Laughlin, it seems, is part of a growing movement of individuals declaring themselves to be sovereign citizens of the world, including Terry Nichols of the Oklahoma City bombing, Joe Stack, who flew his plane into an IRS building in Austin, Texas, and Jerry and Joseph Kane, the father and son who fatally shot two Arkansas police officers last May, who all believe that "the red numbers on a Social Security card were clues to finding the account, and that birth certificates were related to secret ships berthed in a port that held access to millions of....dollars."

HE CARRIES A GUN!!

Tom Laughlin is no stranger to controversy. Before coming to Sarasota, Laughlin was known to a generation of movie fans as the iconic:

Billy Jack

Laughlin made several 'Billy Jack' films in the 60's and'70's, including Billy Jack, The Trial of Billy Jack, Billy Jack Goes To Washington, New Billy Jack City, You Don't Know Billy Jack, Jumpin' Billy Jack Flash and a series of travelogue vignettes entitled Hit The Road, Billy Jack, And Don't You Come Back No More, No More.

Said Sarasota City Manager, Bob Bartolotta, "We knew Det. Laughlin might be a bit of a loose cannon for some of his counter-culture ideas when we hired him, but he was so.........so Hollywood! Our citizens just loved seeing him around town in that funny hat of his, beating people up."

Following his dismissal from the force, security cameras at Five Points Park in downtown Sarasota caught Laughlin confronting some of the very same homeless people he used to enjoy rousting so much as a cop:

City Manager Bartolotta reports that no charges will be filed against former detective Laughlin for the fight and that all fourteen of the homeless men injured in the altercation were given checks for $400 and bussed out of the city.

I'm Jared Loughner and I'm The N.R.A.

2011-01-09T21:55:00.000-05:00

I'm Jared Lee Loughner. On Saturday, I attended a meet-and-greet held by a traitor to my America, U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords. I decided to answer the call of the patriots and jump start the process to take back my country. I emptied a clip from my Glock into Giffords and some of her treasonous supporters.

I will not retreat--I will RELOAD, as the next President of the United States, Sarah Palin, commanded me to do. I will not yield my America to the great brown horde from across the Rio Grande. I will not press "1" for English. I will not let down Glenn Beck. I will not let down Rush Limbaugh. I will be true to my America. I will demonstrate my allegiance to my America by hacking away at the cancer that threatens us all.

I will take advantage of the crosshair targets placed on this scourge by Pres. Palin and blast them all back to hell where they belong for being soft on immigration, soft on gun control and backing this whole Obamacare idea, which will surely ruin my America.

I'm Jared Lee Loughner and I'm the N.R.A.

Yep, This Is About Right..........

2010-12-22T22:25:00.000-05:00

"We have met the enemy and they are...........mostly from Ontario.

Holiday Reminder From Suncoast Area Businesses

2010-12-20T22:09:00.000-05:00

Please, this holiday season, remember the real reason for the season and keep the $ in $mas.

From all of your friends at the Sarasota Chamber of Commerce.

Local Church Christmas Pagent Ends In Tumult

2010-12-20T00:10:00.000-05:00

Dear Edna Mae,

Well, I must tell you what happened at our annual Christmas program this year. As you know, for the past 32 years, we at St. Thomas More....Or Less Parish have been staging our famous "Nativity Live" show during the weeks leading up to Christmas Eve. It's always been a big hit here in Sarasota with the residents and visitors alike and we always make a great deal of money off the ticket sales, even after the Diocese skims its cut off the top.

Now when the circus had their winter home here, it was never any trouble getting the animals we needed for the performance. In the years since they left, it has been increasingly harder to find the right livestock to authentically portray the Christmas story. Thank goodness we have had any number of young trollops in the congregation over the years who get knocked up during the year and are about to pop in December so we don't have to worry about that role, at least!

This year, however, our string of good fortune ran out. In a BIG way!

Mr. Braselton Gumlog, from out east in Arcadia, has been supplying the animals for our shows for the last couple years. All was well until right before Thanksgiving, when his only camel, "Mr. Humpy", fell ill with a bad case of distemper. We were all in quite a pickle as to what to do, as this camel has been in our pagent for the last 17 years and had his part down pat.

Elsie Dahlonega of the Ladies Guild came up with the idea of putting people in a camel suit as a substitution. Father Rosenburg thought that to be a great idea and suggested using Sister Euthanasia and Ivey Hephzibah, since, he said, "those two have the spindliest legs I have ever seen."

No of us dared ask Father how he knew what Sister Euthanasia's legs looked like....

Well, they agreed to do it and, just so you know, they do have the spindliest legs that any of us had ever seen and they fit the camel suit perfectly.  Or, at least, the bottom part of the costume. We found out that the only young person from the St. Thomas More.....Or Less Youth Group without a part in the pageant was that Talbotton boy--you know, the s-l-o-w one.  But he was willing and, really, all he had to do was fill out the hump part of the camel costume. What could go wrong?

Let me tell you, dear sister, PLENTY could go wrong. And, it DID!!

First, Sister Euthanasiasays she has a "touch" of claustrophobia, but claims she can control it with a bit of "cough medicine." She must have had more than her usual "touch" of claustrophobia that night, because she had more than a bit of her "cough medicine"----a lot more.  She was pretty well hammered at show time, but insisted she could walk like a camel, drunk or sober, so into the camel suit and down the aisle they went.

They were doing pretty dang well, too, until the part where they were supposed to kneel. Well, the way Ivey tells it, Sister was in the forequarters and lost her balance when she tried to stand back up and they crashed into the pew.  The Talbotton boy ended up in the lap of that cute young thing, Glendora Flaut, who just howled up a storm about being violated by a dromedary.

Poor Sumner Leverett, who was playing the shepherd, yanked and yanked on the reins to get the camel with one drunken nun, a terrified 12-year old and poor old Ivey Hephzibah back on its feet. Sister Euthanasia was just cackling away and told Sumner that he could "pull all you want, but my butt is stuck between these two pews and it ain't comin' out unless you get of one of Connolly Tutwiler's tow trucks in here."

Well, it didn't take a tow truck, but it did take four deacons and Glendora's two uncles to get Sister, Ivey and the Talbotton boy out of the pews, back on their feet and out of the church.

Sister Euthanasia remembers little of what happened that night, poor Ivey has quit coming to church and the Talbotton boy has been arrested twice now for stalking the Flaut girl.

Father Rosenburg says that there is talk now that the camel's part will be cut from next year's pageant.

Your sister,

Verniece

I'm Clay Duke and I'm The N.R.A.

2010-12-15T22:38:00.002-05:00

I'm Clay Duke. On Tuesday, I interrupted a Panama City School Board meeting by painting a big red "V" in a circle on the wall, then pulled out my Smith & Wesson automatic pistol and waved it around. I blamed the School Board for firing my wife from her teacher's job and threatened to kill them all. Being the consummate gentleman, though, I told the lone female on the board that she could leave, then continued to hold my trusty piece in the board president's face.

While I was making my point, that sneaky bitch that I let leave the room, crept back in behind me and pummeled me with her purse. That freakin' purse must have weighed a ton, it hurt so bad. Those things should be outlawed. I should have plugged her right then and there, but, like I said, I'm a gentleman.

Instead, I leveled old Betsy and squeezed off a couple shots at the rest of the board members sitting there for not warning me that the crazy bitch was about to hit me with a surprise purse attack.

I'll never know how the hell I missed them all.

Then, out of nowhere, comes a security guard and plugs me. I return fire, but, once again, don't hit a thing. Unbelievable, huh?

He hits me a couple more times and I figure the jig is up, so I put the gun to my head and pull the trigger, thinking that since I haven't hit a thing all day, I'll probably miss again.

I didn't.

I'm the N.R.A.......

Urban Meyer Tells of His Plan to Join Monastery

2010-12-14T01:59:00.000-05:00

Urban Meyer told a stunned crowd of reporters and Gator Nation faithful that he was not only leaving the University of Florida, but he was also leaving this fetid material world for a better place and joining a spartan monastic order in the mountains outside of Denver, Colorado.

"As you know, my health has been an issue for me for quite some time now, mostly when we lost football games," said Meyer. "When we won, eh, not so much."

"I wanted to step away at the end of last season when Timmy left, but my coaching staff, the athletic director and others coaxed me into coming back for this season. After this 7-6 season, all those who wanted me to stay on last year told me not to let the door hit me on the ass on the way out this time. Hey, you don't have to hit me on the head with a sledgehammer--I get it!"

"I knew I couldn't coach college football forever, but when we were picked to play Penn State in the Outback Bowl on New Year's Day, I had nightmares of me being an 85-year old coach, hobbling up and down the sidelines with drool spilling out of my mouth, not knowing where I am, who I am or even what the hell I'm doing there. And then I pee my pants."

Meyer said that he wanted to spend more time with his family after devoting nearly his entire adult life to coaching. "Well, after about a day-and-a-half of that 'family togetherness,' I was ready to get the hell outta there before I choked somebody. What did I ever see in that woman anyway? And those kids of mine....."

"Then, as if in a vision, my life's plan fell into place one afternoon while I was waiting in a dentist's office. I was absent-mindedly leafing through some magazine, pondering my fate, when I saw it:

My life was transformed in that instant. Seeing Timmy in that haircut, I knew I was destined to become a monk"

"After my root canal, when I went home and excitedly announced my plans to my family, they were like: 'OK, whatever....' I took that as a sign."

"I did some research and found an order of silent monks who lived in a collection of old church buses in the mountains near Dog Breath, Colorado, about a hundred miles north of Denver and my Timmy, who plays for the Broncos."

"I interviewed with them, was accepted into their brotherhood and am leaving tomorrow for a higher plane. They even gave me a tryout for their "Silent Chorale." I'm the next-to-last one on the left side. I'm a little shorter than most of the other monks, but the Head Abbott says I make up for my lack of size with my quickness and my good hands. Hey,that sounds like the same lies I was telling to those high school kids when I wanted them to come to UF....."

Keeping The "X" In Xmas.............

2010-12-07T22:20:00.000-05:00

Annual Christmas Letter From Charlie Crist

2010-12-05T22:30:00.001-05:00

Dear Major Donors, Family, Fellow Floridians,

Well, it's been quite a year for Carole and me!

For the first time since I was elected to the Florida Senate in '92, I will not be feeding at the public trough. (Carole says that I might have to get a real job now. HA! Good one, babe! I thought that's why I married you! LOL)

So, there I was, minding my own business, coasting through my second term as governor of God's Waiting Room, riding on the bullet train to the United States Senate, when that little twerp, Rubio, comes out of nowhere and--boom--wraps those Tea Party ding-a-lings around his stubby little finger..

"The only true Conservative?" "Tea Party darling?" Pul-leeze. What kind of "true Republican" has a first and last name that ends in a vowel? Mario Cuomo--oh, yeah, like he was a "true Republican". NOT! How about Thomaso Jeffersonio? Georgio Washingtonio? Gimme a break. He's no more of a "true Republican" than Topo Gigio was!

Anyhoo, the Tea Party adopted little Marco Polo, poured a pants-load of money into his campaign and he starts to kick my ass in the polls by linking me to Obama, all because of that one bro-hug in Ft. Myers a year ago. Me! I can't believe it! Time to turn on the Crist Charm Factory and send this pipsqueak limping back to Miami.......

Well, it turns out this Tea Party thing was bigger than anybody thought. Who knew those old farts had so much disposable income to spend on him? Next thing I know, I'm so far down in the polls, it's like I'm standing at the Equator looking up! (A little geography humor there.........)

Old Charlie can see the writing on the wall, so "Mr. Republican" becomes "Mr. Independent", because Florida voters want to vote for me, Charlie Charisma, whether I'm a Republican or Democrat or Independent.

OK, maybe not a Democrat.

So, election day rolls around and guess what? Maybe they wanted to vote for me, but they DIDN'T!

Jerks.

I'm lucky I beat the Libertarian candidate. (Did the Libertarians even have a candidate this year?)

Then, to add insult to injury, the legislature meets in special session to override some of my vetoes from this past year, like I never existed.

Next, my old "friends" from the GOP want their campaign contributions returned because they "didn't donate to Charlie Crist--they donated to the Republican Party." Oh, boo-hoo; get over yourselves already. I spent your damn money, so there! (Wellllll, I didn't spend all their money, I kept some of it for my "unemployent compensation".)

So, that's it. I'm out. Rick Scott is going to be sitting in MY chair at My desk in My office. But, I'm not bitter and I wish him the best of luck. He's only going to last as long as the REAL governor of Florida lets him sit in that seat--my old boss, Jeb. (Yeah, and thanks for all your support during the election, boss. Would it have killed you to throw me a bone?)

I hope your year went better than mine. Mine actually kinda sucked. But, I'll be back, better than ever. Tanned (LOL), rested and ready to go!

Speaking of going, I must. Gotta go scan those want-ads. For Carole!

Here's to a better 2011 for all of us,

Charlie & Carole

Suncoast Rocked By Drug Arrest of Beloved Pie Lady, Amanda Yoder

2010-11-30T22:56:00.000-05:00

Sarasota awoke this morning to the stunning news that the revered Amish grandmother "Queen of Pies", 104-year old Amanda Yoder, was arrested overnight at her exclusive Longboat Key compound by Federal drug enforcement agents. Grandma Yoder, known to her legion of fiercely loyal customers as the humble and unassuming old woman who greeted them at the Yoder's Family Restaurant in the Amish/Mennonite section of Sarasota known as Pinecraft.

But things are not always as they appear, especially in this town.

Grandma Yoder always said that her pies drew people from all over the Suncoast because of their wholesome goodness, fresh fillings, no preservatives and the secret ingredient in her pie crusts that she would never divulge.

Turns out, claim DEA and ATF authorities, the secret ingredient in those "addictive" pies was crack cocaine.

"She turned hundreds of innocent people into drug addicts," said one DEA agent. "I always wondered why all those people would line up at 4:00 in the morning to get those pies. Now, we know."

It also seems that "Grandma" Yoder herself is not all she seems to be, either. In fact, she's more--much more.

Amanda Yoder, seen in the photo below as agents burst into her posh penthouse condo, is not the kindly old grandma that everyone has come to recognize. Known inside the Yoder family as "Roxy," Mrs. Yoder has a decidedly harder edge when she's away from the public's eye.

Grandma "Roxy" Yoder

Yoder cursed and shouted at reporters as she was led away in handcuffs and leg shackles to a waiting SUV. "You got nothin' on me! You hear me--NOTHIN'! I'll be outta here by this afternoon. I'm lawyered up, bitches!"

Authorities also arrested Mrs. Yoder's husband, Levi, along with the pair's twin sons, Levon and Levoff, pictured below:

Levi Yoder, flanked by sons, Levon (l) and Levoff (r)

Outgoing Florida Attorney General, Bill McCollum, told reporters "nailing this bunch was the highlight of my career. If I could have pulled it off sooner, Florida voters would have elected me as their governor. Chrome-dome Scott would be back stealing Medicare funds and I'd be the one planning the obscenely-expensive, corporate-funded, multi-million dollar inauguration party instead of him."

Privately, law enforcement officials concede that the Yoder pie scheme will have little impact on the daily operation of the Amish Mafia, known as the Bruderhof or Brotherhood. "We may have yanked out one hair of the beard, but there are still lots of whiskers on that chin," said one DEA official.

On a side note, when news of the arrest reached Food Channel personality, Adam Richman, he was not surprised. "I filmed a segment of Man Vs. Food with the Yoders about a year ago. She took me into the kitchen where I was shocked to see scores of young Oriental girls wearing surgical masks preparing the pie crusts. Grandma Yoder said she was just "bug conscious. I never would have guessed she was putting booger sugar in those pies."

"Then, later, when we did the bit sitting at the table talking about her pies, she kept grabbing my leg under the table. It struck me as kind of un-grandma like, but I didn't think much about it at the time. TV makes people do all kinds of strange things........."

International Sports Figure Dies Mysteriously; Was Being Investigated For Gambling Ties

2010-10-27T02:47:00.000-04:00

Internationally-famous sports prognosticator, Paul, the Octopus, has been found dead at his home in Germany.

Paul's meteoric rise to fame began pedestrianly enough in the depths of the Mediterranean, when he was plucked from the roiling sea by a Greek fishing boat intent on selling him to the local fishmonger. On the way back to their village, the fishermen began arguing about their hometown soccer team. Paul, desperate to be spared from a certain death by drowning in some cheap marinara sauce at some rundown tourist cafe on the Greek coast, told the fishermen that he could make them wealthy by picking the winners and losers of upcoming sporting events.

The Greek fishermen laughed that lusty laugh that only Greek fishermen can laugh after drinking too much ouzo, but decided to give Paul a chance, apparently completely oblivious to the fact that an octopus had just spoken to them.

They put Paul in a small tank on their vessel and returned the next morning with the sports page from the daily newspaper, The Galatakion Gazette. Paul predicted the outcomes of four soccer matches that day, including the hometown Domvrainis Doves losing in an overtime thriller to the roundly-despised Skordhianika Scorpions.

The fishermen, profoundly amazed by their new-found meal ticket, sold their fishing boat and became professional gamblers, making millions of drachmas off Paul's predictions. Ultimately, as is wont to happen in these cases of easy money, the lifelong friends had a falling out and, after a day and night and day of heavy drinking, began fighting with each other. Paul's tank was nearly knocked over in the altercation, when he was spirited away by person or persons unknown to Germany, where he was booked into the local aquarium under an assumed name.

Paul reveled in the spacious surroundings of his new digs and enjoyed performing for the visiting children and making them laugh. He felt the sting of rejection, though, when he would crawl up the front glass of his tank after spotting a pretty young fraulein, only to have her recoil in squeamish disgust at the very sight of him.

Then, one day, a pigtailed beauty sidled up to the viewing area and gazed longly at Paul's engorged tentacles as he deftly made his way along the sandy bottom of the tank. She came day after day, week after week, until one day Paul worked up the courage to speak to her. He spoke at length of his past growing up in the Mediterranean Sea, of his capture by the Greek fishermen, of his brush with death and anxiously awaited her reply.

"Ich spreche nicht griechische," she purred coyly. But, of course, she did.

The two became fast friends and Paul was soon picking winners of soccer matches for young Bruhilde. Paul became quite the celebrity and, with the arrival of the World Cup Soccer Games this past year, that notoriety spread exponentially when Paul correctly tabbed the winners of all seven of Germany's matches, as well as giving Spain the nod in the championship tilt.

But, with fame, came accusations. Paul was indicted as co-conspirator in several illegal gambling operations around the Mediterranean, including Sicily. Paul confided to Oprah this past fall in an exclusive interview that he was giving up the sports-handicapping business. He had accepted an invitation from Punxsutawney Phil to join him in rural Pennsylvania in America and be a weather forecaster. Paul said the change in scenery would do him good and, at his age, working one day a year sounded "pretty darn good."

Paul was found early yesterday morning by his handlers, out of his tank on the bone-dry floor, each tentacle chained to a concrete block. A note pinned to the cephalopod's dried, brittle skin read simply: Calamari!

June Cleaver's Death Ruled "Suspicious"; Her Checkered Past Revealed

2010-10-18T23:30:00.000-04:00

The Los Angeles County Coroner, Dr. R. Quincy, M.E., has decided that there is enough evidence in the death of TV super-mom, June Cleaver, to open an official inquiry as to the circumstances surrounding her demise. "I don't care who she was, there's absolutely no reason on God's green earth why a 94-year old woman should just drop over dead. And that's my rulin'."

The investigation threatens to blow the lid off Mrs. Cleaver's sordid life that, up until now, had been quashed by her handlers.

Born in abject poverty in the gritty mill town of Wilmerding, PA, young June Zeglowitsch soon found her way to the bright lights of Los Angeles and married insurance salesman, Ward Cleaver. They had two sons, Walter and the younger, Theodore, also known as "The Beaver," for reasons that are not entirely clear.

The ideal family-facade began to crumble when Ward was convicted of insurance fraud and sent to San Quentin Penitentiary for 8-10 years. June struggled to keep the family together, but, in 1962, the state of California placed the two youngsters in foster care when June's drug addictions got the better of her. Without her children, June's life spiraled out of control with a series of minor run-ins with the law, from petty larceny, car break-ins, burglary and the like.

"She wasn't a bad lady," said retired Detective Sgt. Joseph Friday of the LAPD, "she just made bad choices. She didn't think she'd get caught. They never do. But they all do eventually. That's where I came in."

Sgt. Friday was the arresting officer when Mrs. Cleaver attempted to knock over a liquor store on Sunset Blvd. that ended in a shoot-out with police, earning her a one-way ticket to Chino Prison for Women for 15 years.

It was during her stint in prison that June Cleaver re-invented herself.

She became.................Eldridge Cleaver.

In 1966, following a brazen escape from prison in which she walked right out the front gate of the facility, having tricked the guards into thinking she was a tall, black male, she continued her gender-bending charade and fell in with the likes of radicals Huey Newton and Bobby Seale, forming the Black Panthers. The group espoused violence to achieve their means and had numerous confrontations with police.

Wounded in an Oakland, CA, gun battle with authorities, Cleaver was returned to prison, where she wrote her now famous treatise on urban guerilla warfare, Pearls on Ice.

Upon her release from prison in 1998, she and her cohorts had a mock funeral for her black revolutionary persona, "Eldridge" Cleaver, and she retured to being "June" Cleaver, white suburban housewife.

She lived in relative obscurity in a comfortable suburb of Los Angeles for several years, until she began telling friends that an old acquaintance of her family was trying to extort money from her. Edward Haskell, who had attended high school with the eldest Cleaver son, Wally, was a moderately successful, if somewhat sleazy, businessman who, with another classmate, Clarence "Lumpy" Rutherford, had opened a string of used car lots around Bakersfield and Modesto. Haskell apparently had claimed that he and June Cleaver had an affair when he was still in high school and threatened to take that information to authorities, believing that June's parole would be revoked for corrupting the morals of a minor.

Eddie "You Always Get Plenty From Eddie" Haskell

Clarence "Lumpy" Rutherford

When sons, Wally and "The Beav", learned that Haskell was terrorizing their elderly mother, they allegedly hired Mafia hitman, Larry "The Mole" Mondello to have Haskell murdered. As luck would have it, Mondello was hit and killed by a speeding bus on Santa Monica Blvd. they day before the murder was to take place.

Police theorize that Haskell, who had loudly professed his undying love for June Cleaver for nearly 60 years, killed her in a fit of rage, often claiming that, "If I can't have her, no one can have her."

The Cleavers, just before June's death. Left to right, Theodore, "The Beav", is a successful LA gynecologist, the late Mrs. Cleaver, and Walter, who owns a medical marijuana store .

Chilean Miners' Squabbling Jeopardizes Imminent Rescue

2010-10-11T22:23:00.001-04:00

The impending rescue of thirty-three trapped miners some 2,000 ft. below the surface of a forbidding desert landscape in Chile is apparently in danger of collapse. Officials on the scene say the miners are squabbling among themselves about the order in which they will make the projected 45-minute trip out of the cold, dank mine in which the men have been entombed since the beginning of August.

A spokesman for the miners union told reporters, "These brave union brothers all want to be the last man out of the mine, preferring that their compadres reach freedom before they do. They are family--these minadores--are the most courageous of men."

Privately, though, reports are beginning to filter through the ranks of the hundred or so drillers and technicians who effected the rescue tunnel that the miners are reluctant to leave the mine for different reasons.

Of the thirty-three miners, only four have expressed unabated eagerness to be rescued. Coincidentally, these four are the only unmarried men among their ranks.

Said one unidentified miner, "You know, down here we're kind of a big deal. Up there, we're just dumb miners. Tu es un don nadie--you are a nobody."

"Here we live better than we have ever lived in our lives. We eat more, we drink more, we sit around in our underwear for hours playing cards with our amigos--and we're heroes for that?? Ay! We scratch, we fart, we tell dirty jokes and we laugh and laugh and there is no woman to tell us that we are pigs."

"Never before have I been treated like a king like I am living now here in the mine. They send us movies and music and cerveza and cigarillos and it is all for free. People want to know how we are, people want to hear what we have to say. Because we are heroes!"

"But, when we come up, after a few weeks, it will be like, "Hey, vagabundo, when you going back to work? When you bring home money? When you buy me things? When you paint the house? When you take out the garbage? When you? When you? When you? Down here, is nothing in a rush. Like, where you going to go?"

"Now, though, they want us to go. Go where? Back to all those problemos muy doloroso?? Ay, I don't think so much of that, senor........"

"You want me to be first in line to be rescued for this...............????"

Said Lyndon P. Altfather, a driller from Berlin, Pennsylvania, "I didn't come all this way and bust my ass for the last 33 days straight for those sonsabitches to bicker about who's a-comin' up first and who's a-comin' up last. If they don't figure it out soon, I'm goin' down in that tunnel myself and drag their sorry asses out one by one, if I have to. Deer season's coming up back home............"

Sarasota Realtors Demand Reparations For Hungarian Sludge Flood

2010-10-10T22:26:00.000-04:00

The Sarasota Association of Realtors, in conjunction with the Visitor's Bureau, the Chamber of Commerce and a loose consortium of local restaurant and hotel owners, is suing the government of Hungary, claiming that their "negligence in the inspection and enforcement of industry-standard safety precautions of the vast retention pond of toxic waste did, in fact, allow a flood of poisonous sludge to suddenly and without warning discharge into the countryside, thereby polluting the affected lands and causing distress to the residents. Further, said toxic sludge has produced numerous adverse effects upon the Hungarian people and, by extension, upon the businesses of Sarasota, FL, who rely heavily upon those Hungarian people to visit Sarasota, FL, and patronize those businesses."

The lawsuit claims damages in excess of $2.65 billion in lost revenue, including sales commissions, profits and wages.

Spokesrealtor Beneva Lockwood-Ridge said, "This tragedy in Hungary is an even bigger tragedy for Sarasota. To come on the heels of the BP oil disaster that absolutely decimated our fair city is almost too much to bear. But we are a strong, vibrant community, nestled as we are on the pristine sandy white beaches along the beautiful Gulf of Mexico, close to all the amenities an active retiree could ever hope for, including the arts, shopping and innumerable opportunities to participate in various sporting and exercise endeavors."

When reminded that no oil ever came close to approaching the Sarasota area, Ms. Lockwood-Ridge countered, "Perhaps the oil did not threaten our shoreline physically, but the perception by the general public was that we were mired in ankle-deep goo and perception trumps reality every time, especially in the world of real estate. It has been a real tough year for us here in Sarasota and if we were able to cash in on some of that BP money to keep up the payments on our Lexuses, then we're hoping to convince those crazy goulash-eating Hungarians that they should give us money, too. In fact, if we can keep this up, we won't care if we ever sell another house again!"

"Even though," she hastily added, "NOW is the time to buy!"

Workers apply red dye to the soil around a Sarasota home prior to the arrival of photographers.

Glenn Beck Identifies Root of America's Ills--Hide The Children!!!

2010-10-09T22:43:00.000-04:00

Oh, don't look so startled.

We knew. We all knew.

But it took a hero, a hero like Glenn Beck to say it out loud. The self-styled favorite child of God is the chosen warrior who will single-handedly save this country from an apocalyptic takeover by Liberalism, Humanism, Nazism, Communism, Socialism, Marxism, Fascism, Atheism, Obamanism and Disneyism.

God bless you, Mr. Beck.............

Captain Obvious Tip o' the Day

2010-10-04T22:09:00.000-04:00

Dear Dan,

The next time you tangle with a skunk, go unarmed. Mano y mofeta, so to speak. You don't need no stinkin' gun, hombre. Oh, sure, you'll probably get sprayed, but, at least, you won't have to go to the hospital for gunshot wounds to your hand and face. You can always wash off the smell, but you can't wash off stupid.

Capt. Obvious

Thus Saith The Lord......

2010-09-22T22:20:00.002-04:00

"No! Learn how to spell first, you schmuck, then maybe we'll talk. Maybe!"

Woman Confesses To Acid Attack Hoax, Shocking Motive Rocks Sports World

2010-09-17T01:34:00.000-04:00

Bethany Storro, 28, of Vancouver, WA, has confessed to investigators that she lied, contrary to her original story of being attacked by a black, pony-tailed assailant who asked, "Hey, pretty girl, do you want to drink this?" just before throwing acid in her face.

Storro, when told that her duplicitous actions may result in criminal prosecution, informed reporters that she intended to use the "Derek Jeter Defense."

"Look," she explained, "like every other 28-year old single woman, I have self-esteem issues and, as such, it's my job to draw attention to myself to attract as many potential husband candidates as I can, just like it's Derek Jeter's job to get on base any way he can, an obvious reference to an incident at a Wednesday night baseball game between the vaunted New York Yankees and some third-rate team from somewhere in Florida when the legendary Yankee shortstop heroically flim-flammed the umpiring crew into believing he had been hit by a pitch when it was shown conclusively on television replays that the ball clearly hit the knob end of Jeter's bat."

"If it's good enough for Derek Jeter, it's good enough for me," reasoned Ms. Storro. "And I'm only about half as famous as he is."

Ms. Storro mugs for the camera before and after splashing acid on her face in order to attract attention.

Mr. Jeter accepts Emmy Award for "Best Actor in Continuing Sports Drama Outside of Professional Wrestling."

Sarasota County Schools Overwhelmed By Rampant Infestation; Officials Say Spread To General Population Inevitable

2010-09-14T22:08:00.000-04:00

Something's bugging students in the Sarasota County school system. And it's just not the teachers or the homework.

In fact, the situation is so serious that the County School Board contracted last spring with Rielle Hunter of Hunter-Young-Edwards Productions to produce the following $3.2 million public service announcement. It was to begin airing over the summer, but local medial outlets WWSB and SNN said that gubernatorial candidate, Rick Scott, and senatorial candidate, Jeff Greene, had already purchased every available minute of advertising time and neither hopeful spending millions of dollars out of their own pockets to be elected a public servant by the citizens of Florida would relinquish any air time, choosing instead to continue running their highly-negative toxic ads.

Pediatric health authorities recommend that parents talk to their children about the infestation, no matter how young they are, as younger children are the most likely victims to be affected.

Please be advised that the TV spot pulls no punches and is a very frank discussion of the scourge that threatens to close down the entire school district unless health officials can get a handle on this very dire situation.

Yes, cooties.

Formerly considered a childhood malady that was soon outgrown, cooties have become a universal curse, knowing no geographical, economic or social boundaries.

It used to be that only pre-pubescent boys thought girls had them and pre-pubescent girls thought--rightly so, as it turns out--that boys had them. Except for Justin Bieber.

Nowadays, though, Republicans think Democrats have cooties, Democrats think Republicans have cooties and the Tea Party thinks everyone has cooties but themselves.

Rich people think poor people have cooties, poor people think rich people infected them on purpose and don't want to pass the health care initiative to keep them from getting proper treatment for cooties.

Christians think Muslims have cooties and wish they would just give us their oil and shut the hell up and stop killing people, Muslims think Christians have cooties and consider it a Shari'a mandate to exterminate the infidel carriers.

White people think people of color have cooties, people of color call them bigots and racists for thinking so, but, yet, think white people have cooties, too.

Americans think illegal aliens have cooties and want to close down the country to stay cootie-free, illegal aliens are dying for the chance to get into America and catch their own cooties.

And, on it goes..................

Gainesville Pastor Receives New Message Regarding Burning of Quran

2010-09-10T22:59:00.000-04:00

Gainesville Pastor Decides Against Burning Quran After Secret Meeting With City Official

2010-09-09T01:49:00.000-04:00

Central Florida minister, part-time furniture salesman and full-time nut job, the Most Holy Reverend Dr.Terry Jones, has abruptly canceled plans to incinerate copies of Islam's holy book after learning that open fires are not permitted within the city limits of Gainesville. Although permits can be had by those wishing to have a bonfire, weenie roast, cross-burning, etc., Pastor Terry decided not to pursue a permit after a brief meeting with a member of Gainesville's Fire Dept.

Deputy Fire Marshal Muqta Hassan Abdullah told reporters after their conference that "Pastor Jones and I had a 'come to Mohammed' meeting earlier today where I politely informed him that, should he burn the Quran, the Yellow Pages or anything else without the proper permit, he would be in violation of Gainesville City Fire Code Section IV, sub-section 9.5, paragraph 135 and, as such, be subject to the same punishment as any other infidel who dares defy the Fire Code of the city."

According to Gainesville's newly-enacted Fire Code, first time offenders for any infraction "shall be beheaded by the City Swordsman in the food court of the Gainesville Mall, and his family will be hanged in front of Sears for all to see and bear witness thereof."

Dr. Jones, whose divinity doctorate degree from the California Graduate School of Theology, which is "is so independent, it has never been accredited" and carries about as much weight as a one-night stay at a Holiday Inn Express, said he was impressed with Deputy Fire Marshal Abdullah's explanation of the fire code and has no desire to violate any city ordinances now or forever and ever. Amen.

University of Florida students, adjudged in violation of Gainesville's ban on fireworks hang in a strip mall on July 5th, where they were also fined for loitering.

Bart Simpson Pranks The Pelican Press, Investigation Launched

2010-09-06T22:23:00.000-04:00

Sarasota's own bastion of free speech and erudite prose, The Pelican Press, is launching a full-scale investigation into what the newspaper calls "a full-blown breach of security." This past week's edition printed a "Letter to the Editor" that ostensibly criticized Marina Jack's tax-free status with the City of Sarasota, even going so far as to question if "someone at Marina Jacks (had) pictures of city officials in compromising positions with a goat?"

If that wasn't embarrassing enough for such a crudely-worded letter to be printed in the pages of such a highly-regarded media outlet as The Pelican Press, the crowning blow was the signature attached to the letter: Ben Dover (bend over).

According to outraged editor, Anita Bath, the weekly has forthwith terminated the services of chief proofreader, Hugh Jass, for allowing the letter to be printed.

Suspicion immediately focused on former Pelican Press columnist, MC Coolidge, who had been unceremoniously dumped from the paper's payroll some time ago, when an advertiser objected to the content of one of her columns. Always ready to defend America's First Amendment to the Constitution supporting the right of free speech, Ms. Coolidge was summarily fired from this paragon of journalistic excellence and democracy was saved on Siesta Key.

It was quickly determined, however, that Ms. Coolidge had an air-tight alibi in the case when her two cats gave corroborating depositions to the Sheriff's Dept. indicating that Ms. Coolidge did not write the offending letter in question and was, instead, rolling in catnip with the two of them all evening.

Authorities then began to concentrate their efforts toward one Bartholomew "Bart" Simpson, prankster extraordinaire, known throughout the seamy underbelly of the prank world for his repeated phone-calls to Moe Szyslak, proprietor of the notorious Moe's Tavern in downtown Springfield. While no one has ever been able to conclusively connect the prank calls to Simpson, it is commonly believed that he is, in fact, the originator of the anonymous calls.

Lead investigator for the newspaper, disgraced ex-Sarasota PD goon, Mike Rotch, vowed to find the culprit and "shove a sausage down his throat and stick starving dogs in his butt!" Mr. Rotch, as it may be recalled, did the exact same thing to a suspect in a jaywalking case back in early 2006, costing the City of Sarasota $325 for an attempted bribe to the defendant to drop any future police abuse case, a subsequent $87,000 out-of-court settlement to the defendant, and the jobs of Mr. Rotch, two immediate supervisors and the department head at the time, Police Chief Andy Taylor.

Last known photo of Simpson, during a short-lived career as speechwriter for Sarah Palin during her failed 2008 presidential bid.

France Deports Gypsies, Gypsies Respond With Curse, France Surrenders. Again.

2010-08-22T22:06:00.002-04:00

The government of France has begun deporting Gypsies back to their native Romania, a move that the American Tea Party ironically hailed as "a bold move by our brave French allies, from which the spineless leaders of our once great country could learn a thing or two."

In retaliation, the Gypsies have instated a curse--or nenorocire--destined to reign calamity and damnation upon the French people for 100 years, with a margin of error of 3 years, plus or minus.

The main tenets of the curse are:

1) French men will be condemned to have gigantic noses:

2) French women will be condemned to have hairy armpits:

3) The French people will be condemned to eat snails:

Immediately upon learning that the Gypsies placed a curse upon them, French president, Nicolas Sarkozy and the French National Assembly dispatched Col. Rochefort Brive-la-Gaillarde to a small hamlet near Marseille, where the last remaining band of Gypsies had been awaiting transport out of the country. Col. Brive-la-Gaillarde, Chief Minister of Surrender, met with the leader of the ten or so Gypsies left, one Madame LaZonga, and offered her the ceremonial Le Sabrer de Defaite, the Sword of Surrender, used at every French surrender since the mid-1700s.

In a local twist, when informed that the French had acquiesed to a ragtag band of Gypsies, local Tea Party activist and vehement School Board critic, Rich Swier, who had most recently led a scorched-earth campaign to get a textbook that he deemed too pro-Islam, too pro-evolution and too pro-facts tossed from the curriculm, demanded that the French language program at Sarasota's Riverview High School be dropped.

"It's the language of cowards and quitters," said Swier, "and we don't need to be learning our kids how to talk that gobbledygook anyhoo."

To which Caroline Zucker, President of the School Board, replied, "I give up.........."

Woman Identified In Background Of Iconic VJ Day Photo Demands Her Own Statue Next To Sarasota's "Unconditional Surrender"

2010-08-18T06:22:00.000-04:00

Apparently, those prescient Sarasotans who opposed the permanent placement of Seward Johnson's statue, Unconditional Surrender, because of fears that the photographer's estate or Life Magazine, original publisher of the famous photograph, would sue the city for copyright infringement has merit. It was learned today that the City of Sarasota was being sued by Gloria Bullard, 84, of Belen-Chapur, South Carolina, to get a statue of herself erected on the bayfront next to the Sailor and the Nurse.

"I was in that goddam picture, too, ya know," she said, her raspy voice cracking like old, dry leather as she took a long drag from her Lucky Strike. "Some guy took my picture and sold it to a magazine and made a lot of money. Then, some numbnuts makes a statue of the picture and he makes a lot of money. Seems to me like old Gloria's the only one not making any money off this thing. And that's a load of crap, if you ask me......"

Person identified as Gloria Bullard is circled at far left of picture.

Lighting another Lucky off the glowing end of her previous cigarette, Ms. Bullard continued, "It doesn't have to be anything fancy--after all, I wasn't the main subject of the photo. I could have been if I could have gotten to that sailor before old Edith "Sweet Lips" Shain pounced on him first. That poor bastard never had a chance."

"You know, there's been about a dozen different guys who claim that they were the sailor kissing Edith in that photo. I don't know which one is in the picture because that the little tramp kissed every guy that passed through Times Square that day--Army, Navy, Marine, our side, their side; it didn't matter to old "Sweet Lips."

"Now, I'm thinking my statue should be over by that restaurant, Marina Jack's. Maybe kinda leaning against the building, like this," she said, striking a pose against her walker. "And I want it to be accurate, too. You know, anatomically correct. So, if you're sittin' there at the bar and you look up, you'll look right up my skirt and get an eyeful, 'cause back in the day, I didn't wear no underwear. Actually, I still don't. Check out this action, young fella....."

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo........"

Motorists Having A "Little Trouble" Navigating New Downtown Sarasota Roundabout, Fatalities Expected To Decrease In Coming Months

2010-08-14T22:43:00.000-04:00

Proponents of the newly-opened traffic roundabout at Five Points in downtown Sarasota acknowledge a few speed bumps with the flow of cars and say that they expected a learning curve for drivers to adjust to the new traffic pattern. Chief traffic engineer for the city and owner of Five Points Collision and Body Shop, Sonny "Dents" Soran, predicts that the number of fatal accidents should subside in the coming months as drivers become aware of the particular nuances of negotiating their way around the roundabout. At least until season begins, then the numbers should skyrocket again with the influx of snowbirds and tourists coming to town.

"Oh, make no mistake: for those first couple months of snowbird season, it'll be a real bloodbath out there," says Soran. But our primary directive was to reduce congestion on downtown streets and get the cars into the city-owned garages and parking lots as soon as soon as possible--no more endlessly driving around in circles, looking for that elusive free parking space. We think we've accomplished that by making everyone scared to drive downtown at all. They turn off Rt. 41 and pull right into the closest lot they can find. Personally, if it was me, I'd just skip downtown altogether and go across the highway to my brother's place, Marina Jack's."

"We consider the recent traffic deaths in the opening days of the roundabout to be acceptable losses and are confident that we will eventually see a decline in those numbers. Now, remember, that not all of those fatalities are motorists. Five Points Park was notorious for being a hangout for Sarasota's homeless population, so there's a helluva lot of bums in the numbers quoted, as well, which was a benefit we hadn't considered when designing the roundabout, so that's a bonus...."

City Manager, Bob Bartolotta, also expressed guarded optimism for the new roundabout. "We think it's going to become a focal point of the City of Sarasota, much like my friend and longtime political benefactor, Bob Soran's Marina Jack's, is on the bayfront. I think it was well worth the taxpayer's $78 million investment and the 28 downtown businesses that went bankrupt during the 19-months of construction which shut down Sarasota's Main Street to bring this project to fruition."

"I also think that it's now going to be easier to get taxpayer funding to shut down Main Street again in December to build that ice-skating rink here. Just think of the lives of all those motorists it'll save...."

"Now, if we can just get the taxpayers to give us another $13 million to landscape it......"

Colony Resort On Longboat To Become Yoder's Amish Trailer Park

2010-08-13T01:13:00.000-04:00

The venerable Colony Beach and Tennis Resort is to close its doors this weekend, as announced at a tearful news conference by the long-time owners and Sarasota society fixtures, Murray "Murf" Klauber and his daughter, Katherine Klauber Moulton. They recounted stories of celebrity guests and good times at the famous Gulfside resort for the gathered throng of reporters, until they were unceremoniously hustled from the hotel's ballroom by the new owners, the Yoder family of Sarasota.

"Shoosh, now. You've gone on long enough. Time to go, you should. There is much to be done," said Grandma Yoder, matriarch of the clan

A local Amish family with several eateries specializing in home-made comfort food, the Yoders look to take the resort in a decidedly different direction by catering to the Amish and Mennonite families, both those that flock here every winter and those who live here full-time.

Spokesman for the family, Philander Yoder, described the family's plan for the beach resort. "As our target demographic will be the so-called "plain people," we intend to demolish the hotel, the out buildings and all the pavement and landscaping and put in individual trailers on a nice gravel lane, just like we're used to, so as not to draw attention to ourselves."

"We also plan to remove the first 9 holes of the golf course and plant vegetables; the back 9 we'll use to graze the livestock, saving just enough room for a couple horseshoe pits and, of course, shuffleboard."

"We plan our hiring a full staff comprised of our family and extended family members to run the resort, from the cooking and cleaning to the beach staff."

'Even the lifeguards will be Yoders."

"We envision a place where members of our community can come to relax and just be themselves. To let their bonnets down, so to speak, without outsiders gawking at us or flaunting an excess of skin around our young ones."

"A safe place where they can stroll the beach and not be accosted by the evils of the outside world, like Speedos on men and string bikinis on the girls. Or is it the other way around????"

"Some place you can bring your mama, even if she's Old Order Amish, and not have her faint at the sight of flesh."

"We'll have parking for about 700 bicycles, as well as about a hundred horse and buggies, with a full livery service, of course. We don't expect any issues with zoning or compliance, considering that, without electricity, the resort will pretty much shut down. Until dawn, when our roosters start crowing....."

Author Anne Rice Leaves Christianity; Christianity Says "Good Riddance!"

2010-08-10T23:44:00.000-04:00

Anne Rice recently released a statement declaring that she was "leaving Christianity," due to the predominantly anti-gay bias of the Roman Catholic Church.

Speaking on behalf of the Church, the much-beloved retired Cardinal, his Most Holiness, the Rev. Stanley Musial, issued the following statement from the Vatican:

My dearest child of God, Ms. Rice,

Please don't let the golden gates of Heaven eternal hit you in your big, fat ass on the way out!

Leaving Christianity--indeed! Madam, I assure you that Christianity left you a looooong time ago. It takes a lot of nerve for someone who foisted the homo vampire craze upon an unsuspecting world, with your effeminate characters of Lestat and company, to "leave" Christianity. Who else would have turned Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt into gay vampires but you? (And, we're also kinda holding you personally responsible for this new gayish Twilight thing that's mesmerizing the globe, too.)

We, as the Church, didn't have a problem when Bela Lugosi ruled the netherworld. He scared the bejesus out of many a tortured soul in a darkened theater back in the day and sent them running to Mass as soon as the doors opened in the morning after spending a sleepless night with all the lights on in the house. We considered Count Dracula a tool by which we could gain new converts and reclaim backsliding parishoners.

Then, you start this namby-pamby, limp-wristed vampire series and nobody gets scared anymore. Now, even pre-pubescent 11-year olds want to be vampires, parading around in their "Team William" shirts that their own mothers bought them to wear to the midnight showings of the Twilight movies. Midnight on a school night, we might add.....

We tried overlooking all your sins since we know your real name is Howard Allen O'Brien. With a moniker like that, any little girl could have turned out the way you did. But, when you decided to go public with your "leaving Christianity" pronouncement, that was the final straw.

Enclosed in this epistle, please find a limited-edition vampire-killing stake made from the finest sycamore trees in the Holy Land and autographed by Pope Benedict XIV. With a hand-wrapped grip of Jordan River sisal twine and 'sweet spot' insignia of genuine 14k gold crucifix, mounted on a handsome hand-tooled pine plaque, stained to look like much-more expensive mahogany, this stake is guaranteed to be a valuable addition to your collection of religious icons. We're so sure you're going to cherish this beautiful instrument of death and torture, that we're sending it to you to examine in the convenience of your own home for a trial period of 40 days and 40 nights, all at NO COST to you. Your estate will be billed later.

Please use it on yourself at your earliest convenience.

Your most humble servant,

His Excellency Most High Reverend Eminence of the Holy See,

Fr. Stanley Musial (Ret.)

PS Don't forget parish bingo Friday night. Super coverall jackpot and 50-cent hot dogs!

OIL DISCOVERED IN NORTH PORT!!

2010-08-03T23:16:00.000-04:00

North Port officials are bracing for an influx of speculators, wildcatters, roughnecks, flim-flam men, swindlers, con artists and, of course, hookers. And, no, it's not a Sarasota County Republican fundraiser.

Oil--black gold--Texas tea--has been discovered in North Port!

No longer will the term "North Port crude" refer to the high school cheerleaders, but, instead, to the liquid cash that lies beneath the overgrown, weed-infested vacant lots, foreclosed homes, failed subdivisions and trash heaps of broken dreams that make up the City of North Port. Said one North Port commissioner, "Bring it on! We lived through one reckless, hell-for-leather boom with the housing bubble and that didn't end so badly, did it?"

Reporters gathered outside the double-wide trailer of North Port resident, Jason Clampett, to learn details of exactly how he discovered oil on his property. Sporting a wide-brimmed hat, plaid work shirt and an unmistakeable Ozark twang in his voice, Mr. Clampett entertained his audience with his homespun wit.

"Well, it sure is the dangedst thing you ever did see," he told the score or so of breathless reporters, some of whom were jockeying for a better view of Clampett by standing atop a rusting '77 Oldsmobile perched on cinder blocks in the driveway. "I was pounding a piece of electrical conduit into the ground so's the missus could use it fer a clothesline since our electric got shut off last week and, all of a sudden, that pipe shot up out of the ground like something was a-chasin' it. Then, this black goo started oozing up outta the hole."

"I knowed right off it was oil 'cause I used to do my own mechanical work on old Betsy over there. That's my Oldsmobile, by the way, not the missus, if yer wonderin'. So, boys, I'm gonna be rich. This here fella offered me $50 million fer my lot and trailer. Cash money. So, I'm moving to Californey to help out my Uncle Jed."

"Crazy as it is, he found oil, too, back in the '60s on his place down there in the Ozarks. Moved into a real big place out there in Beverly Hills. He's fell on some hard times, though. Some banker named Drysdale took him for just about all he was worth, Granny got drunk one night and drowned in the cement pond, Jethro knocked up some woman named Jane, then took off for parts unknown and ain't been seen since and cousin Elly Mae married some record producer who got her so strung out on cocaine that she's been in and out of rehab for the last 15 years."

Experts have determined that things might not be so rosy for Mr. Clampett after all, since the oil found on his property is a result of a pressure back up from capping the Deepwater Horizon well off the Louisiana coast. Stopping the flow at the wellhead caused the oil to flow through crevices in the bedrock and then, apparently, surface in North Port. That being the case, the oil belongs to BP, not Mr. Clampett and renders his deal with the speculator who offered him upwards of $50 million for his property null and void.

Also, the City of North Port has filed a code violation against Mr. Clampett for installing a clothesline within city limits without the necessary $286 permit, with the amount accruing daily until the fine, penalty, interest, legal fees, court costs and North Port excise taxes are paid in full.

Said Mr. Clampett upon hearing the news, "Wheee, doggies......."

Sarasota Tea Party Upset That Obama Is Not Coming To Suncoast; Plans To Protest Visit Foiled

2010-08-02T22:15:00.000-04:00

Sarasota's very own boiling pot of the Tea Party movement is loudly complaining that Pres. Obama will not be coming to the Suncoast for his 2-day Gulfcoast promotional event, instead going to the Panhandle beaches where oil actually made landfall.

Leading the vitriolic charge was a new face in the mix of wild-eyed seniors, gun-toting hawks and every other Sarasota eccentric who is only about one Prozac away from driving their Lexus into a crowd of suspected liberals, which comprises the local chapter of the Tea Party Patriots is noted Sarasota blogger, bon vivant, and former voice of reason, MC Coolidge. Her recent blog posting outlines her ignominious descent into a tri-cornered-hat-wearing seething cauldron of contempt, bitterness and malicious viciousness, even going so far as to rename her cats "Concord", "Bunker Hill" and "Lexington."

"My given name is Mary-Catherine Coolidge, but from this day hence, I shall be known as Mary-Calvin Coolidge, reflecting my heritage as a descendant of our 30th president, who was known for his strike-breaking, union busting, immigration-restricting, income-tax reducing, Communist-hating, regulation-ending, pro-business policies. Silent Cal put the "roar" into the "Roaring Twenties," just like George Bush did in the boom years of the mid-2000s. Blame the Depression on Hoover and the Recesssion on Obama."

"We wanted that little weasel, Obama, to come to the Suncoast so we could criticize his coming to the Suncoast!" she explained in the rhetoric on which the Tea Party thrives. "We wanted him to bring his family here on vacation so we could lambaste him for taking a vacation. We were counting on him spending a few idyllic days here promoting the beaches and amenities of our beautiful hometown so we could rip into him for coming here for a photo op."

When it was pointed out that she had just twisted all logic into a pretzel and then broken it into pieces, she relied on that tried and true Tea Party argument: repeat the same thing again, only LOUDER!!!

Bear Sentenced To Death In Campsite Attack, Demands Legal Representation

2010-07-29T22:55:00.000-04:00

The female grizzly bear believed to be responsible for the horrorific Yellowstone campground attack that left one camper dead and two injured was captured by wildlife officials and is slated for summary execution. The bear and her three cubs stand accused of the rampage, which authorities say was unprovoked and unprecedented in the annals of the US Park Service.

Neighbors of the bear, however, paint a different picture of the bruin in question. Said one anonymous deer, "She's lived here in the Soda Butte neighborhood for some time now and, as far as I know, no one's ever had a problem with her. The cubs are a different story, though. They're young, they're rambunctious, they're bears."

"About a year ago, those three brats got into an altercation with one of my fawns. Well, the poor thing has asthma and starts wheezing when she gets excited and the cubs started making fun of her. I called the Park Ranger and we went right over to her den and got the situation straightened out right away. Mrs. Bear couldn't have been more understanding and cordial. I just don't think she's capable of something like this."

Said Thom Turkee, another neighbor, "She struck me as a good mother to those cubs. Doesn't have a mean bone in her body. Raised those cubs right, too; always fed 'em roots, berries, nuts and the like. I don't ever recall seeing her even catching fish to eat. Just a nice lady. For a bear, I mean."

"You know, we've all complained to park management about that Soda Butte campground before. It was only a matter of time before somebody got hurt. The noise at all hours of the night, the litter left strewn around, the drinking, the music. How'd you like it if drunks peed in your yard all the time? Those damn humans are about as bad as those bison they let back in the park a couple years ago. I think we'd be better off if we herded em' all--humans and buffalo--over top of Old Faithful and let 'er rip. Fricassee 'em, I say....."

Noted Sarasota defense attorney, former public defender Adam Tebrugge, was in Cooke City, Montana, to represent the bear family, where the accused bear and two of her cubs are being held in custody. A third cub is still at large, but authorities are confident that the young suspect will be captured shortly.

"I think it's appalling," said Tebrugge, "that this bear and the two juveniles are being held without bond in this case, especially after the woman injured in the attack, Deb Freele of Ontario, was unable to positively identify her in a police line-up late yesterday; not surprisingly, though, given that the attack happened around 2:00 AM in the middle of the woods."

Wildlife officials were quick to point out that tent or sleeping bag fibers were in the captured bears' droppings, and that a tooth fragment found in a tent appears to match a chipped tooth on the sow.

"My client can produce dental records showing that she chipped that fang back in 2006. And finding sleeping bag fibers in her excrement is not surprising considering what a harsh winter it has been. Bears are omnivores of convenience--if there's a sleeping bag lying around and they're hungry, they'll eat it. That hardly constitutes a crime, even in my hometown of Sarasota, where just about everything's a crime."

"Just look at this face," he implored reporters, while standing next to the 275-lb. bear. "I ask you, does this look like the face of a killer?"

Mr. Tebrugge is survived by his wife and a thriving law practice in Sarasota, FL. Funeral arrangements are incomplete, pending the recovery of more pieces of the deceased.

Local Pelicans Protest Relocation of Louisiana Pelicans To Suncoast

2010-07-26T01:55:00.000-04:00

A group of local pelicans are going to Federal court in an effort to halt the relocation of Louisiana birds who were rescued from the Gulf oil spill. Wildlife officials have found scores of distressed pelicans mired in muck and oil, took them to rehab centers where they were cleaned and nursed back to health, then transported here to the Pinellas County region to optimize their chances of survival.

One group, the Tea Party Pelicans, is suing to prevent the government's ongoing resettlement program. "Look," said spokespelican Rich PeliSwier, "we're as sensitive to the carnage of our own species as the next bird, but you just can't bring all these outsiders in here. We moved down here years ago from up north and spent years lining our nests. The Federal government has no business forcing us to take in these "pelicaliens."

"We don't want to share our best fishing spots. And we're sure as hell not going to surrender our prime spots on the local piers where we've spent years cultivating relationships with the fishermen there who regularly feed us. No way!"

"If God didn't want our Louisiana cousins to die a slow and horrible death suffocated and poisoned by black gold, then He wouldn't have hatched them in Louisiana, now would He?"

National Tea Party celebrican, Sarah Palican, spoke out in support of the pending lawsuit. "This is just another liberal Obama program foisted upon the American pelican population. Instead of waiting for the government to wash them off and save their lives, they should have shown some good old American initiative and had enough sense not to get in the oil. But--no--here we go again, bailing out the lazies while the rest of us pelicans have to share our catch with them, doncha know?"

Naturally a hot-button issue in Florida politics, Republican Senate candidate, Marco Pelicano, pointed out, "First of all, those Louisiana pelicans don't even look like us."

"Secondly, there's just so darn many of them. They're going to take over down here. They'll ruin our way of life. Who's going to pay for the schools, the fishing piers, the roosts for all these outsiders?"

"And all they do is just sit on their lazy tailfeathers all day, waiting for their next handout. Why don't they get a real job and go fishing like everybody else?"

Conservative candidate for governor and proponent of stronger immigration laws, Rick Scottican, declared," This--this is why we need the same kind of immigration laws that were just enacted in Arizona. You don't hear of any Louisiana pelicans being relocated to Arizona, do you?"

"My God, Harry! Did you get a load of the size of the beaks on those guys??"

BP Caps Well, Saves Mankind

2010-07-19T21:42:00.004-04:00

BP has made this right!!

The well is capped, the oil has stopped flowing!

We are the wonderful, caring corporate behemoth that we kept telling you small people we were...

The cap that we told you would hold is.....holding! OK, maybe the first or second ones didn't (or the 3rd through the 5th), but, as the saying goes in old Britannia, "the Sixth is a charm, good King Henry!"

So, yeah, we're damn bloody proud of ourselves for finally "getting it right," as our PR department conjured up in your rough-hewn colonial tongue to placate you savages. We expect now, since we have repaired this minor inconvenience, that you Yanks will have no objections to our poking more holes in your Gulf looking for petrol.

Despite the triflings of your silly little government, we have every confidence that the cap will continue to hold and that you forthwith cease and desist in your constant whining about every oil droplet that floats your way.

Yes, we know the pressure inside the well is rising; all perfectly normal, you see. The cap is designed and built to the most rigorous standards in the Empire.

So, light up those victory cigars, me hardies. A salute to the Empire!

What could possibly go wrong?????

Steinbrenner Enters Heaven, Fires St. Peter, Others May Be On Chopping Block

2010-07-14T19:36:00.007-04:00

George Steinbrenner is shaking things up in death, just as he did in life. Steinbrenner, who passed away on July 13th, was initially sent to Hell, where his soul was to spend eternity in fire and damnation.

But after a brief meeting with Satan, Steinbrenner was ushered out of Hell and transferred to Heaven. Said Satan, "Whoever came up with that saying, "Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over," George is who they were talking about. I've had a lot of hard cases show up on my doorstep, but this was one soul I can do without down here."

"George demanded a meeting with me as soon as he got here. Not even a "Where am I?" or a "There must be some mistake..." or even a "Please, I'll do anything...." I've been a fan of George's for many years, but I was really unprepared for the hard-nosed negotiations from him. What sealed the deal for me, personally, was when he mentioned all the souls that he was responsible for sending here to Hell. It's pretty widely-known that all Yankees, past and present, end up in Hell. They just do, even if it's for that attitude of theirs. I'd say about 90% of their fans are here, too. Yeah, we got a big Yankee section down here."

"So, I'm about 3 hours in with this guy and I'm thinking, "You know, if I give him a transfer to Heaven, I bet that'll set those goody-two shoes up there back a thousand years. And, they gotta take him, 'cause they're like that up there. I wish I could have been there when he showed up at the Pearly Gates....."

God, who seems a bit perplexed by Steinbrenner's brash manner, is still trying to get a handle on his new arrival. "Realize, of course, that we don't usually get souls of George's demeanor. We're more into the whole "blessed are the meek" thing. He just kind of bullied me into getting rid of St. Peter and putting in turnstiles, saying, "At Yankee Stadium, we don't turn anybody away, as long as they can pony up the price of admission."

Steinbrenner fires St. Peter, tells St. Gabriel that Heaven will be replacing his trumpet solos with the organist from the old Polo Grounds. "Organ music--that's how we did it in New York!"

"I must admit," God continued, "I probably should have paid more attention to George, but I've been pretty busy up here trying to keep those idiots on Earth from killing themselves. And, I must confess, I'm not really much of a baseball fan. Especially the Yankees. I mean, come on, would you really expect God to be a Yankees fan? Seriously?"

"So, I'm just not sure where we go from here. I'm almost afraid that he IS going to take over Heaven. Then what? This whole place will go to Hell, if you'll pardon my French. I guess I should get an attorney, but, as you can surmise, we don't get a lot of attorneys here in Heaven, either."

"Listen, I'm not talking to no archangel. I want to see God and I want to see Him NOW!! Get outta my way, you little fairy........"

Oil Begins Washing Ashore On Siesta Key; Sarasotans Rush To Beaches

2010-07-12T00:40:00.004-04:00

Locals and visitors alike have come in droves to Sarasota's world-famous Siesta Key beach as crude oil from the failed oil rig, Deepwater Horizon, begins sloshing ashore here, turning the once-pristine sugar-white sand into a stained, oily mess that only Hermann Rohrshach could have loved.

For weeks, scientists at Mote Marine Laboratory have been issuing updates concerning the looming invasion by the inky slick. Specially trained dolphins from Mote were outfitted with Hazelwood Devices, ironically named after the captain of the ill-fated Exxon Valdez. Described by one marine biologist as "a sophisticated dipstick attached to a radio transmitter," the Hazelwood Device is bolted onto the dorsal fin of the gentle sea creature and continuously sends back data regarding water quality while the dolphin frolics about in the sea, until, ultimately, the device springs a leak, shorting out the battery and delivering a lethal electrical shock to the unwary mammal.

Based on this information, the Sarasota County Lifeguard Service was able to keep the beach-going public apprised of conditions.

In addition to the usual flags already in use on public beaches, three other flags have been placed into service, all having black backgrounds and bearing one of three messages: "10W30", "10W40" or "Off-Road Diesel Only."

While some beachgoers frantically began scooping up the oil with pails, buckets and other containers to take home with them, others simply filled empty soda bottles and poured the oil directly into their vehicles' crankcases in the parking lots. Government officials met hurriedly to determine if using the oil was a violation of Federal law by not paying the appropriate taxes on it and whether those who collected the oil for personal use would be prosecuted.

Meanwhile, at least one enterprising company had come up with a novel way to not only save the beach environment on the Suncoast, but turn a profit, as well. Kleppick's Barrels of Nokomis has rented the popular sightseeing vessel, The Three-Fingered Starfish, formerly run by Kleppick's Charter Service, and is using it to capture the oil off-shore, put it into barrels and then let the barrels drift into the beach, where they are collected by Kleppick's Temporary Staffing personnel, loaded onto trucks from Kleppick's Cartage and delivered to BP's Sarasota headquarters located at the old Kleppick place. "It's a win-win for the community and the environment," said Coast Guard Commander Phantley Kleppick at a joint news conference with BP Vice-President of Claims for Southwest Florida, Beneva Kleppick Heyward.

Downtown Sarasota Condo Collapses, Scores Killed, Dozens Believed Trapped In Rubble; Realtors Begin Pre-Sales For New Condo To Be Built At Site

2010-07-10T16:42:00.011-04:00

Rescue crews and emergency responders from across the Suncoast are rushing to the Gulfstream Blvd. site of the tragic collapse of the Dolphin Towers condominium just off Sarasota's bayfront. The building had been evacuated in late June when severe cracks were discovered in the concrete structure's fourth floor.

The Sarasota Fire Dept. was supervising the residents' return to claim belongings that had been left behind when the condo was first cleared. The stately old tower was currently undergoing a massive re-engineering to make it habitable once again, including the removal of the failed concrete. Demolition crews had removed a large section of the bottom four floors in order to install new steel reinforcements and concrete.

Project supervisor, Mike Lilly, of Young General Contractors, in charge of the delicate demolition work, said today that, in retrospect, he probably should have authorized overtime for the workers to finish shoring up and stablilizing the building, but "being Friday afternoon and all, the guys and I were anxious to get the hell out of here, so I figured it would be OK. The engineers and I had built a scale replica of the condo out of Legos and when we removed a similar amount of blocks from the model, it remained standing, so we just figured, 'Hey, what's the worst that could happen 'til we got back on Monday?' so we knocked off for the weekend."

With about 70 residents and fire personnel inside the structure and a crowd of onlookers across the street, the venerable old building let out a mournful groan and begin a slow roll across Gulfstream Blvd. toward the bayfront, plowing straight into bystanders and the throng of Sarasota citizens who regularly line up on the sidewalks outside downtown restaurants at 3:15 PM, anxiously awaiting the beginning of the daily early-bird specials at 4:00 PM.

Some tourists commented that they were appalled when several local real estate firms began setting up temporary sales offices in colorful cabanas that had been hastily erected near the catasrophe site, jockeying for position with the Red Cross medical tents where medical personnel were frantically setting up triage centers to treat the most severely injured. One realtor was heard complaining that a temporary morgue was located adjacent to her sales cabana, saying, "When customers see all these dead bodies being hauled in here without limbs and heads and such, it's absolutely going to kill my business. Can't they wait until we close, then drag those stiffs off-site or something? I mean, they're already dead, so they certainly don't care. But I've got Lexus payments to make and NOW is the time to buy!"

Realtors were aggressively canvassing bystanders to purchase the new condos that will be located in the what's-sure-to-be-built replacement structure on the site. Said one realtor, "Year after year I've prayed for a hurricane to come in here and wipe out one of these old condo towers so they could build something new in its place that we could sell. But this--this is better than a hurricane. Hell, I'll still be able to play golf tomorrow!"

Sarasota mayor, Kelly Kirschner, tried to put a positive spin on the tragedy, even as it continued to unfold around him. "Because the structure remained intact and rolled across Gulfstream Blvd. and landed on Rt. 41, we are probably just going to leave it and build that roundabout that we've proposed for decades right there and call it a day."

Endangered Whale Sharks Spotted Off Sarasota Coast; County Visitor's Bureau Hastily Puts Together "1st Annual Whale Shark Fishing Tourney"

2010-06-27T22:22:00.004-04:00

For the first time in memory, whale sharks have been found just off the coast of Sarasota. Traditionally living in deep Gulf waters far from shore, Mote Marine Laboratory researchers theorize that the oil pollution from the failed Deepwater Horizon may be driving these giant creatures from their natural habitats and into more shallow waters in a desperate bid to escape fouled sea water.

As the largest species of the fish kingdom--sometimes reaching 40 feet and close to 20 tons--these gentle behemoths feed on plankton and other small sea life and pose no threat whatsoever to humans. In fact, they are docile enough for close interaction with humans, actually allowing swimmers to ride on their backs as they glide just beneath the waves.

In response to this remarkable news, the Sarasota County Convention Bureau, never ones to let a marketing opportunity pass them by, have hurriedly organized the Suncoast's "1st Annual Whale Shark Fishing Tournament." First prize of $10,000 will go to the crew of the vessel who drags the bloodied, lifeless carcass of the largest whale shark killed onto the docks at Marina Jack's. In a decidedly ironic twist--for the whale sharks, at least--the prize money for the contest is being donated by BP through a grant from their $20 billion dollar emergency fund.

Conservation groups are outraged by the notion of subjecting a threatened species to even more devastation of the species by humans. Explained one Sarasota Visitor Bureau spokespromoter, "Look, we've squeezed all we could out of that whole 'eco-tourism/save the planet' angle and were looking to go in another direction anyway when these whale sharks got dropped right into our laps. Talk about catching a lucky break! First, BP hands us bucketfuls of money for screwing up the Gulf for all eternity, then, it's BP's oil that's driving these whale sharks straight onto our beaches and into our bank accounts! We stand to make more money from this than if we would have let BP drill right on Siesta beach!!"

Local restaurants have already begun to cash in on the arrival of the friendly creatures and are currently serving up whale shark on their menus, from the Ritz-Carlton's Filet of Whale Shark with Baked Celeriac, Snail Beignets and Girolles to the New Pass Bait Shop and Grill's Fried Whale Shark Sandwich with Fries and Slaw to Captain Curt's New and Improved Award-Winning Clam Chowder, Now Made With Real Whale Shark. Said Beneva Stickney of the New Pass eatery, "Them Whale Shark Sandwiches have been a real big seller for us. We buy it by the truckload. I mean, those babies weigh--what--15 tons or something, right? That's a whole lotta fish to fry, my friend. And they say they're practically washing up on the beach....."

Local angler, Howard "Hook 'em Howie" Frabersnitz, prepares to gaff an exhausted whale shark and tow it into shallower water in order to kill the gentle creature by an agonizingly-tortuous method of suffocation.

Rescued Teen Sailor Says She Was Saved By Amelia Earhart

2010-06-13T21:26:00.004-04:00

16-year old Abby Sunderland, the would-be circumnavigatrix feared lost at sea, has been rescued by a French fishing vessel somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Sunderland had lost radio contact with the outside world last week following a storm that disabled her sailboat, The ILuvJustinBieber. Upon picking up Ms. Sunderland, the crew of the French boat immediately surrendered to her, causing a great deal of consternation to the teenager.

Sunderland is now telling a fantastic tale regarding the circumstances of the untimely end of her journey. She says that, during a storm, she ran aground on a small, uncharted island somewhere in the middle of the Indian Ocean.

Exhausted and bedraggled, she struggled ashore to find shelter from the wind and rain, only to be hit in the head by a falling coconut and knocked unconscious. When she came to, she found herself in a ramshackle hut with an elderly woman was tending the gash in her head. The woman fed her soup, gave her dry clothing and nursed her back to health.

The old woman then told Sunderland, "I'll let you in on a secret, young lady. My name is: Amelia Earhart."

The stunned teenager steadied her gaze at the old woman.

"Oh.....

My.......

God.......

Like, are you related to Dale Earnhardt, Jr.??"

"No. Wait, who? No, Earhart. Amelia Earhart, the world-famous flyer who disappeared in 1937 while attempting to fly around the world," replied the old woman, somewhat taken aback.

"Oh, OK. Whatever. I don't suppose you get cell phone reception in this dump, do you? Like, I gotta call my folks back in California, then my boyfriend, then Sea-Tow, then check my e-mail, update my Facebook status from "Fish Food" to "Found Alive", Twitter to my peeps and....."

Taking the babbling young girl by the shoulders, the old woman violently shook her. "Listen, you little snip, I'm Amelia Earhart. I'm famous. People have been wondering what happened to me for over 70 years. And you're the first human being I've seen or talked to in 52 years; ever since that no-good Wiley Post, who couldn't navigate his way down a one-way street, let alone the planet, keeled over dead and left me here alone on this God-forsaken island. I'm Amelia Earhart, dammit....."

"See this picture. This is me, back in the day. I knew kings, queens, presidents and movie stars...."

Sunderland suddenly perked up. "You mean movie stars like Zac and Selena and Miley?"

"Who? No, I mean real stars like Flynn, Cagney and Bogart."

"Never heard of them. They must be pretty lame. Especially if they hung around an old bag like you......"

"OK, that's it. Get the hell off my island, you ungrateful little bitch! Scat! You hear me--get the hell outta here--NOW!"

And with that, the old woman chased her down the dirt road back to where she had secured Sunderland's boat during the storm. As the tide lifted the battered sailboat off the sandbar and carried her back out to sea, Sunderland could see the old lady laughing.

"And don't forget to tell 'em that Amelia Earhart saved you, you snot-nosed little brat! You hear me, Amelia Earhart......"

Mote Marine Tells of Sheen Found Off Siesta Key

2010-06-09T20:36:00.004-04:00

Mote Marine scientists report that their research vessel, The Bloated Turtle, has discovered an insidious oily sheen just off the beaches of Siesta Key:

Accordingly, Governor Charlie Crist has declared a state of emergency for Sarasota and Manatee Counties.

Former Local Anchor, Monica Yadav, Selected "Broadcasting Babe of 2010" in Playboy Magazine Poll

2010-06-07T20:37:00.003-04:00

In just-released poll results from Playboy Magazine, Sarasota's own Monica Yadav is the upset winner of their highly-coveted "Broadcasting Babe of the Year" award, reinforcing what everybody on the Suncoast knew, except, apparently, for the management of her former employer, WWSB-TV, which had the uncanny foresight to unceremoniously drop the ever-popular Ms. Yadav from their newscasts in March.

WWSB-TV general manager, Harold Frazee III, responsible for terminating the contracts of Ms. Yadav and another popular long-time anchor, Heidi Godman, is the great grandson of theatrical impressario and former Boston Red Sox owner, Harry Frazee. It was Mr. Frazee who sold baseball legend, Babe Ruth, to the New York Yankees in 1920, ostensibly to finance production of a Broadway show, thereby causing the "Curse of the Bambino" to thwart Red Sox pennant chances for over 80 years. Mr. Frazee III used his profits to invest the station heavily in British Petroleum stock.

Mr. Frazee III has since been fired from his position at WWSB-TV.

In a contest traditionally won by a vapid, willowy, blond hottie from the national media, such as previous winner, ESPN's Erin Andrews, Ms. Yadav's surprise victory marks a paradigm shift in how America views TV journalists.

Ms. Yadav, whose name means "beautiful and enchanting tigress which no mere mortal can tame" in Latvian, is now being mentioned as someone who could win Playboy's Triple Crown, a feat which has never been accomplished. The Triple Crown consists of threee contests: "Broadcasting Babe of the Year", "MILF of the Year", and "Most Likely To Go Home With Hef This Year." Insiders have recently hinted that Playboy founder, Hugh Hefner, is said to be tiring of the siliconized, plasticized botox Barbie dolls with which he has been associated and looking for a more classic beauty, with considerably less drama. Yadav is viewed as a 6 to 4 favorite to win it all.

In an instance of art imitating life, Ms. Yadav has inked a contract with ABC-TV to appear in a recurring role on the network's hit comedy, Cougartown, which is depicted as being set in an unnamed Florida town near Sarasota. Her role, a thinly-veiled reference to her own situation, will be as a television journalist who loses her job to a former stripper, only to become a stripper herself when she can't find work in the local media. Hijinks naturally ensue.

Reaction on the Suncoast has been universally in favor of the magazine's decision. Said fellow WWSB alum, Heidi Godman, who was also shown the door by the station, "I'm so glad for Monica. She has single-handedly broken down the barriers for us professional journalists to now be taken seriously as sex objects. I know she'll kick ass on Cougartown. Courtney Cox better watch out....."

Ms. Yadav is said to be mulling over the standing offer for winners of the "Broadcasting Babe of the Year" contest to appear as the centerfold model for the magazine.

As expected, the official announcement from WWSB has been somewhat less effusive. "We here at WWSB-TV congratulate Ms. Yadoff (sic) and wish her well in her future endeavors. And don't forget to watch "Wheel of Fortune" every night at 7:00 PM, right before bedtime."

Sarasota also has the dubious distinction as being the home of the first runner-up in the "Broadcasting Babe of the Year" contest, via the Sarasota News Network:

Woman Sells Drugs Hidden Inside Her Body or The Vagina Catalogs

2010-06-06T01:06:00.002-04:00

Authorities have charged Katrina Wade, an inmate at the Charlotte County jail, with selling bags of heroin that were stashed inside her vagina to other inmates. Corrections deputies did not perform a full cavity body search on the suspect when she was brought to the jail, even though the arresting detective was alerted that Wade had up to 100 bags of smack in her snatch. Said one deputy, "We deal with the very worst of society has to offer on a daily basis here. We work with killers, rapists, child molesters and the occasional jaywalker. We go where even the bravest of men fear to tread. But there's just some places even we won't go--and rummaging through that woman's fish farm is one of those places."

Six days after her initial booking into the jail, a contingent of corrections deputies in full haz-mat body gear and a drug-sniffing dog went to Wade's cell to conduct a cavity body search. Prior to the search, the inmate removed a 33-gallon, heavy-duty trash bag from her bajingo containing 12 smaller bags of heroin, at which time the police dog threw up and 2 of the 5 deputies in attendance fainted.

As a result of the examination of Wade's whisker biscuit, deputies said they also retrieved three cartons of cigarettes, several cans of Bud Light, half of a tuna-on-rye sandwich, some mis-matched patio furniture, part of the superstructure of the Deepwater Horizon oil-drilling rig and a rusty Louisiana license plate.

Sheriff's deputies celebrate their safe return from Katrina Wade's full cavity body search, although medical personnel warn that they may suffer bouts of post-traumatic stress disorder later in their lives. One of the men has already been placed on a suicide watch.

Sarasota Police Chief Abbott Ousted, Costello Named As Replacement

2010-05-19T19:53:00.005-04:00

Sarasota Police Chief, Peter Abbott, has resigned from his post as the head of the Sarasota Police Dept. According to City Manager, Robert Bartolotta, it was a mutual decision. And by "mutual decision," Bartolotta means "I fired him because he could not only overcome his own perceived incompetence, but my perceived incompetence, as well."

In a statement to the press, Abbott said Bartolotta told him, "Sometimes life isn't fair. Like now, for instance. Everyone in Sarasota thinks we're a couple of boobs. But because I'm the chief boob around here, you're fired. I'm hoping your replacement will make me look like less of a boob."

It's hard being Number Two, even if you do try harder.......

City Manager Bartolotta held a brief news conference following Abbott's resignation statement to introduce the new chief of police: Lou Costello.

Ironically, Costello had worked with Abbott for many years, until the two decided to go their separate ways in 1957. "Gee, 1957, huh? It's hard to believe it was that long ago," said the 104-year old Costello.

Costello wowed the Sarasota City Commission when introduced to them with his timeless "Who's On First" comedy routine with Bartolotta clearly struggling to fill the role of Costello's former partner, Abbott. Although the City Manager gamely delivered his lines, he was obviously out of his element as he labored with the rapid-fire timing and other comedic nuances of the classic routine. Commissioner for District One, Fredd "Glossie" Atkins, however, was not amused and expressed his disappointment with Costello's brand of humor, stating, "I'm not sure, but that sounded like it might have had certain racial overtones, so I'll be witholding my judgment on the candidate until I get a few questions answered. For example, was the outfielder named 'Tomorrow' a white man or a black man? I figured the first-baseman was Asian because his name was "Hoo," the second-baseman "Watt" could be either, but I'm stumped by "Tomorrow." I ain't never heard of no ballplayer named 'Tomorrow.'"

When asked if he would be asking the former chief for advice about his new position, Costello literally brought down the house when he slipped on a Sarasota Police Dept. cap, picked up a telephone and exclaimed ""HEEEEYYY ABBOTT!!."

The Commissioners and assembled media roared at the famous line and fell into convulsions of laughter, essentially adjourning the meeting. Costello then went over and introduced himself personally to each of the commissioners and posed for photographs with them.

Later, newly-appointed mayor, Kelly Kirschner, privately told friends that he wasn't exactly sure about the new police chief. "I thought they told me they were hiring "Elvis Costello." I wasn't sure what Elvis Costello knew about police work, but I figured it would be really cool having him as police chief, anyway........"

City And County Change Mind About Trying To Woo Hollywood To Come To Sarasota; Now "They Can Go To Hell..."

2010-05-11T22:26:00.008-04:00

Sarasota City and County Commissions were falling all over themselves recently in an attempt to convince Tinseltown that we were ready for our close-up. They wined and dined Hollywood producers, they promoted the Sarasota Film Festival as a love fest for all things cinema, they thought about giving away the venerable Municipal Auditorium to the Ringling College of Artsy-Fartsy for a buck, to be converted into a sound stage for film makers (at least until the public outcry convinced them that such a move would be political suicide) and have, in general, drooled over the potential windfall that they thought being Hollywood East would bring them.

But no more.

Sarasota has had enough and we are in a snit. And, if anybody knows their "snit," it's Sarasota.

Sarasota was a little miffed that favorite son, Kevin Biegel, co-producer of TV's "Cougartown" did not set the show in Sarasota, but opted, instead, for an unnamed mystery town south of Sarasota. But we contented ourselves just to see the name of our fair city on the hand-drawn map in the opening credits every week.

Last fall, we reveled in the visit by the Travel Channel's "Man Vs. Food" and the glitzy "CSI: Sarasota" intro that played up, albeit briefly, the sun, the sand, the surf that is Sarasota. But, that, too, was tempered by the fact that, instead of focusing on the fine dining and haute cuisine for which the area is famous, the show featured Yoder's Amish Restaurant (OK, it's an institution), the Salty Dog (concentrating on the eatery's famous deep-fried hot dog) and, dear God, help us, the 4:20 Cafe. Located in that hub of culture and cuisine known as Gulf Gate, the 4:20 Cafe is impressively located just up the street from the car wash and nestled steps away from a handful of seedy bars and, of course, the ever-popular Zone d'Erotica.
The specialty of the house at the 4:20 Cafe is an array of gigantic sub sandwiches containing hamburger patties, cheese sticks, chicken nuggets, glops of melted cheese, a heaping serving of cholesterol and early death, gluttony and assorted other deadly sins and anything else they can find lying around in the kitchen that isn't still moving. What an advertisement for Sarasota, the Cultural Capital of Southwest Florida!

The final straw came this past weekend, though, with a skit on Saturday Night Live that featured actress Betty White. Entitled "CSI: Sarasota," it poked fun at our abundance of senior citizens. Who says art doesn't imitate life?

Sarasotans are up in arms over the perceived slight and have now severed all ties with the movement to bring Hollywood to the Suncoast.

Said one spurned commissioner, "First, that fat bastard, Adam Richman, shows up in town to tape a show about some third-rate dive named after an overt drug reference that caters to the drunks of the bar crowd that frequent that cesspool called Gulf Gate and now, that old broad, Betty White, makes fun of the whole town by pointing out that we're old. What do they think, we wouldn't stay up after 8:30 on Saturday night and find out?"

"Well, actually, I didn't see it myself. We came home after our regular early-bird dinner, watched Lawrence Welk in our matching La-Z-Boys and were in bed by 8:15 on Saturday. But my grandson from up north called me on Sunday to tell me about it."

The City of St. Petersburg is said to be currently mulling a lawsuit against Sarasota, claiming infringement on St. Pete's unofficial title of "God's Waiting Room."

SEC Reveals Cause Of Recent Stock Market Plunge

2010-05-07T22:50:00.004-04:00

SEC investigators have discovered the reason behind Thursday's stock market plunge of nearly 1000 points:

Said SEC Chief Investigator, Ethel Radzanowski, "When the traders kept pointing to a computer glitch as the problem, we had our IT experts thoroughly check the software, the hardware, ancillary programming, etc., and found nothing. Fortunately, though, one of our IT people remembered an issue a couple months back when he got an panic call from one of our senior attorneys here at the SEC about a computer emergency in his office. IT dispatched their "Delta Team" to the attorney's office, fearing the worst since the Legal Dept. handles many highly sensitive issues for the Commission."

"The attorney was distraught because his computer went dark as he was viewing "Paralegals Gone Wild--The Beltway Edition." He was concerned that his computer might be infected with a virus or that somebody had the nerve to censor his afternoon porn watching. The attorney told the IT team that if they couldn't rectify the problem right away, he was going directly to his superior's office. He knew his boss was watching the same movie."

"Fortunately, one of the IT team leaders noted "an interface disconnect between the computer hardware and the office power source," plugged the cord back into the electrical outlet and the attorney was able to resume his normal daily routine of watching pornography."

Investigators have determined that stockbroker, Lumley J. Branwell, had taken a short cut behind a bank of computers that serve as the nerve center for the NYSE on his way to lunch and tripped over the cord, pulling it loose from the outlet. Not wishing to be late for lunch, he continued on his way without plugging it back in or telling anyone about his mishap, sending the Dow into its preciptious decline, threatening the global economy and bringing the world to the brink of madness and chaos.

Branwell later apologized to all those investors who lost money and the families of several traders who, upon seeing the collapse of stock prices, chose to end their lives, but he pointed out, however, that the "cord should have had duct tape or something over it, since I could have been killed, tripping over that damn cord."

OSHA is now investigating.

Police Say Officer Followed Protocol After Taser Victim Bursts Into Flame

2010-05-05T17:59:00.006-04:00

The Philadelphia Police Dept. intend to review their policy concerning the apprehension of unruly fans who, seeking their 15 minutes of fame, crash the playing field of professional sporting events in the city. This action follows an incident at Citizens Bank Park earlier this week when 17-year old Steve Consalvi, pictured here, leapt from the stands and onto the field during a Phillies game.

He successfully eluded capture for several minutes until being felled by a city policeman using a Taser. The youngster immediately dropped to the turf after the Taser strike, allowing stadium security guards to restrain him.

To the horror of an announced paid attendance of 17, 460 fans that night, young Consalvi, without warning, burst into flames. The security guards jumped away in panic as the victim thrashed about in short right-center field, leaving a trail of blackened grass as he writhed in agony before finally--mercifully--succumbing to his injuries. His blackened corpse smoldered for several minutes before stadium personnel hosed him down with a fire extinguisher and covered him with an official Major League Baseball authorized-logo blanket ($29.95 plus tax, at local sporting goods outlets and http://www.phillybaseball.com/.)

Grounds crew workers used shovels and a whisk broom to pick up the cindery remains of Consalvi and placed him aboard the golf cart in which the Phillies bring in their relief pitchers. Phillies fans cheered in appreciation of the effort by the young southpaw to elude capture, showing explosive quickness and a natural ability to hit the open holes. Remarked one sportswriter who witnessed the tragedy, "It's too bad they turned this kid into toast. He reminds me a little of a young LeSean McCoy (rookie running back for the Philadelphia Eagles.) I think the kid could have had a future--gone in the second or third round of the draft, maybe."

Police officials deny the use of excessive force in the incident, saying, "What we did to that kid was nothing compared to what the Philadelphia fans would have done to him if he would have gotten back into the stands. I mean, this is Philadelphia--we throw ice balls at Santa Claus, for crying out loud...."

Police did allow that they would explore the possibility of re-calibrating their Tasers, perhaps "dialing it down a notch or two" to just microwave the alleged perpetrator's internal organs without actually igniting the entire body.

FLA State Senator Shown Researching Porn For Upcoming Vote--Except There Ain't No Upcoming Vote About Porn

2010-05-04T20:22:00.007-04:00

Bradentucky's own pillar of Republican family values, developer and, more or less as a sideline, state senator, Mike Bennett, was caught looking at nekkid wimmen on the floor of the Florida Senate on his state-owned laptop. Fortunately, nothing much was happening in the legislative chamber at the time--just the open debate on a pending controversial abortion bill. Yawn.......

Bennett, ever the politician (when he's not a developer) proclaimed his innocence by explaining, "I was just sitting there, bored, as they were debating the abortion bill." Blah, blah, blah, abortion, blah, blah, women's rights, blah, blah.... Hopefully, doing the people's business in the Florida Senate for which he was elected and for which he is being paid with taxpayer money gets a little more lively in the future, so as to keep Sen. Bennett's attention.

Perhaps, if the legislators wore bikinis--------no, God, no; forget that!!! Ewwww, ewwww, ewwwwwwww!

Reading the comments accompanying the story in The Sunshine News, a business/political newspaper, it's readily apparent that it is a left-wing commie socialist rag that has no business besmirching the stellar reputation of a true statesman like Sen. Bennett. Commenters debate the definition of porn, how long he actually looked at it, whether it was intentional and the relief that "at least, it wasn't kiddie porn." Whew........ I know I feel better now.

Bennett claims it was an email from a woman "who happens to be a former court administrator." As opposed to being an email sent by a guy with slick-backed hair and a pencil mustache named Vinnie The Weasel, who runs one of the seedy strip clubs on Rt. 41 south of Bradenton. Although, that would make him a constituent of the Senator, so there'd be that angle, at least.

No word on whether the "former court administrator" now works as an attorney for the SEC.

Senate spokesflak, Jaryn Emhof, offered the perfectly logical defense of Bennett, saying, "There was some confusion about an email he received. He thought it was an email about an item being debated on the Senate floor. As soon as he realized it wasn't he closed the page."

Hold on----I'm trying to make a reasonable connection between a picture of four bikini-clad women and the debate on abortion.

Still thinking..........

I'm having better luck with the other video Bennett is seen viewing, obviously an attempt to keep his razor-sharp mind in hyper-overdrive to weigh in on the gravely-important legislative proceedings of the highly-respected Florida Senate.

The dog on the beach.

Bennett will, no doubt, introduce legislation to import specially-bred dogs from Lithuania that have the ability to lap up crude oil and then pee it back into 55-gallon drums, fully refined and ready for use as high-quality jet fuel. Those mutts will come in mighty handy when that slick from BP's Deepwater ClusterFuck or whatever they called that exploding rig out in the Gulf, currently spewing barrels upon barrels of crude daily into our offshore waters, reaches the beaches of Anna Maria, Bradenton Beach and other areas of Sen. Bennett's district.

I wonder if the four bikini babes could be Lithuanian???

Charlie Crist Vows To Stay True To Lobbyists, Even Though Running As Independent In Senate Race

2010-04-30T13:27:00.007-04:00

In an effort to calm the fears of scores of lobbyists, Gov. Charlie Crist today publicly reassured them that their efforts--and, more importantly, their money--to help get him elected to the US Senate were not expended in vain. Said Crist, "Rest assured that I will continue to be beholden to all those special interest groups that elected me governor of the state of Florida. Except the Republican Party."

"Insurance, banks, health care, developers, sugar growers, phosphate mining, teachers--you name it; if they've got money to spend on Charlie Crist, then Charlie Crist will still have votes to spend on them! Just because I'm now running for the Senate as an "independent" doesn't mean that I'm not still dependent on your money or have independent ideas. Oh, God, no."

"I mean, for example: British Petroleum, I know you're in trouble right now with that oil leak in the Gulf, but if I get a nice-sized contribution from you guys, when I get to Washington, I will introduce legislation to have the Federal government pick up the tab for the clean up. Hey, you guys deserve a bailout as much as the next guy, am I right?"

"I've worked long and hard all these years to curry the favor of big business and other special interest groups and I'm not about to stop kowtowing to them now. In fact, frankly, I'm hoping that my new "independent" status will open up the doors for more big-money lobbyists to throw wads of cash my way."

"The Republican Party decided to take me to task for welcoming Pres. Obama to Florida when he came this past winter with millions in stimulus money. My critics assailed me for hugging him. Look, I've been in politics my whole life and when somebody shows up on your doorstep with millions of dollars, well, let's just say I've done a whole lot more than hugging to show my appreciation. Over the years, I've hugged squealing babies, ugly old ladies, prize-winning pigs, buck-toothed citrus queens and even an alligator or two in my career for a hell of a lot less money than the president brought."

"It was necessary for me to step away from the Republican Party when it became clear that my chances of winning the party's primary election was equal to the chances of my opponent, Marco Rubio, driving through Arizona and NOT getting pulled over to show his proof of citizenship."

"It has not been easy to make this decision, but the old-guard Republican Party left me no choice but to run as an "independent." Two weeks ago, I received a telephone call from House Republican leader, John Boehner, telling me that, in no uncertain tone, was there room in Congress for another Republican with a better tan than his. I knew right then that my only option was to run as a tan "independent." God bless you, Hawaiian Tropic and God bless the state of Florida!"

Reporter: "Governor, any truth to the rumor that Pres. Obama is here for another hug?"

Reporter: "Just kidding, Governor."

Charlie Crist: "OK, now you cut that out! That wasn't even funny......"

Chairman of Sarasota Republican Party, Joe Gruters, Solves Immigration "Problem"

2010-04-28T10:24:00.010-04:00

A Sarasota Herald-Tribune guest editorial by Joe "Hi, I'm A Rich, White Guy, Who Lives In A Rich, White City And Heads Up A Local Bunch Of Rich, White Republicans, Eminently Qualifying Me To Tell You What's Wrong With Those Dirty Mexicans" Gruters, esteemed chairman of the Sarasota Republican Party, has, once again, proven that rich, white guys can not only spell "hubris," they revel in living it.

True to his Sarasota political environment, Gruters wants to form a committee (preferably comprised of highly-paid Republican lobbyists, one would imagine) to determine why Mexicans are so desperate to leave the grinding poverty, soaring unemployment and lethal drug-related violence of their homeland to sneak themselves and their families into the US to try and earn a living. Gruters writes, "Mexico is a wonderful country, rich with its colorful history, cultural traditions and natural resources." You mean all of Mexico isn't like Acapulco and Cabo San Lucas?

Gruters decries the monopolies in Mexico, citing them as a reason for the Mexican diaspora. Careful there, you're treading on shaky ground with that scurrilous anti-capitalism talk, Mr. Republican. He, then, compounds his borderline treasonous thinking by deciding that the Mexican government "has been slow to break (the monopolies) up."

Mexican monopolies =BAD!
American monopolies=GOOD!
Mexican government interference=GOOD!
American government interference=BAD!

Halfway through the article, Gruters redeems himself by getting to the crux of the matter: it's Obama's fault. Like, who didn't know that was coming?? "Our president, despite his sworn obligation as commander-in-chief to defend us, has indicated his intent t launch the attorney general into an investigation of the state of Arizona!" Not sure why Gruters is complaining, though; wait 'til Obama directs the US Attorney General to investigate the shady goings-on by Republicans in Tallahassee and Sarasota--then he'll really have something to worry about.

Gruters, again, shoots himself in the foot--right through his $960 black leather and snakeskin with dark grey crocodile trim Gucci loafers--when he invokes the name of sainted-Republican Ronald Reagan, equating him with a failed policy: "Amnesty is the same solution tried under Ronald Reagan, and it did not work then either." Oooh, there goes a couple thousand in donations to the local party......

"Because the government will not perform its duty, groups of individual citizens (read: trigger-happy Tea Partiers, wannabe Wyatt Earps and other assorted NRA gunslinging "patriots") have joined together to patrol the border."

In conclusion, Gruters declares that: "It is time to put a lid on Mexico and apply pressure on the Mexican government to correct the problems that lead its citizens to flee in desperation." Therefore, immediately, America will stop exporting guns across the border to Mexico, America will stop importing cocaine from Mexico, America will mow its own lawns, America will pick its own tomatoes, lettuce, oranges, etc., America will dig its own ditches, America will do its own roofing, concrete work, etc., America will stock its own shelves, America will wash and wax its own cars, America will do every other hot, dirty, back-breaking, thankless job that we secretly are glad to pay peanuts to illegals to do, but will continue to publicly rail against their presence in our most-holy land. 'Cause we're like that......

"I'm Joe Gruters, chairman of the Republican Party of Sarasota. As a rich, white guy, I, personally, have nothing against Mexicans. Some of my best friends are.........well, let's not go that far.

"But, I did dress up like one for Halloween last year. Ay, chimichanga!"

State of Arizona On Verge Of Bankruptcy After Passage Of Anti-Immigration Bill

2010-04-23T20:46:00.005-04:00

Following the news that Arizona Gov. Jan "Why, Yes, I Am Running For Re-Election; Why Do You Ask?" Brewer has signed into law that will require all persons who don't look like her (e.g., blond, blue-eyed, obviously Caucasian, wealthy, Republican, etc.) to furnish proof of citizenship when challenged by authorities. Brewer and her fellow Korps der politischen Leiter pushed through legislation that brings resurrects that treasured American saying, "Where are your identification papers.........." Ahhhh, the memories.

Arizona lawmakers are also considering bills to round up anyone caught speaking a language other than American, wearing headgear other than a Stetson or an Arizona Diamondback baseball cap, possession of two or more tacos and having a last name that ends in a vowel or the letter "z." Mixed marriages between races are expressly forbidden and marriages between anyone other than mainstream Protestant religions are now considered illegal, as well.

As primary bill sponsor state Rep. Russell Pearce proclaimed, "Illegal is illegal. We'll have less crime. We'll have lower taxes. We'll have safer neighborhoods. We'll have shorter lines in the emergency rooms. We'll have smaller classrooms."

What bill supporters did not count on, however, were the financial ramifications of the new legislation. McDonalds, Burger King and several other fast food outlets closed 75% of their locations due to a lack of workers and raised the price of a single hamburger to $6.95, citing increased labor and food costs.

Wal-Mart will cease operations in the state, as will Costco, Kmart and other discount retailers. Supermarket chains are consolidating locations and preparing for the onslaught of irate consumers once the price of local produce skyrockets from growers being unable to find workers to harvest their crops.

Service stations, convenience stores, garages--any place where manual labor is required--are scrambling to find personnel to fill the voids left by their now-vanished work force. Old white guys are at a loss as to how to actually physically perform the jobs that they so ably "supervised" for all these years.

The Roman Catholic Church has sold all its churches to the Mormons and various evangelical denominations and have vacated the state, due to the precipitous drop in their Latino parishoners, a mainstay of their congregations. Said the Most Reverend Thomas J. Olmsted, Bishop of The Diocese of Phoenix, "We hope someday to send missionaries back into the state, just like we did 300 years ago when we were illegal aliens here in what was then Mexico."

The fragile housing industry, once a mainstay of the Arizona economy, will suffer an irreversible relapse with the absence of laborers and tradesmen. Lawn maintenance contractors are expected to charge homeowners upwards of $250 per month to mow lawns, now that all their low-cost staff has left the state.

Taxes, as Rep. Pearce predicted, will, in fact, be lower. The revenue from the average state sales tax of 6.8% has plummeted, as the estimated 800,000 illegal aliens are fleeing Arizona and taking with them their disposable income.

Internment camps have sprung up outside the urban centers of Phoenix, Mesa and others for the influx of rounded-up illegals, those who look illegal and those who had the misfortune to forget their identification papers when they were randomly stopped, since Gov. Brewer vowed that there would be no racial profiling when looking for undocumented Hispanics.

"Und ve haf our eyes on those Jews, too. I tink dey vill be the next to go....." Reichsleiter Frau Brewer

Steelers Shock Sports World By Selecting Pre-Schooler in Draft

2010-04-22T21:02:00.004-04:00

For once, Chris Berman was SPEECHLESS.......

When Roger Goodell walked to the podium on Thursday night and solemnly announced that the Pittsburgh Steelers had chosen 4-year old Connor Patrick Sarver from Miss Kimmie's L'il Angels Daycare in Irwin, PA, in the NFL draft, it was as if someone had tripped over the audio cable and killed the sound at Radio City Music Hall. The panel of commentators looked at each other for a full minute before ESPN cut to a commercial.

When they returned live, Berman was notably absent from his anchor position at the end of the desk. Jon Gruden tried gamely to carry a conversation about the incredible development, but soon lost his train of thought and began talking about his old coaching days. Some semblance of normalcy finally returned to the evening when the Atlanta Falcons made their selection.

So, who is this newest Steeler?

According to Art Rooney II, he's just your average 4-year old kid who likes puppies, Buzz Lightyear, the Wiggles, toy trucks and Gummi Bears. For you die-hard fans out there, he's 3' 7 tall, 41 lbs., throws right and has a vertical leap of about 10 inches.

Rooney continued, "Given what we've been dealing with trying to keep the likes of Roethlisberger, Holmes, Reed and all the rest of these overpaid delinquents in line, we felt we had to go in a completely different direction."

"It is true, the kid is 4-years old. And, it is true, he can't really play football and doesn't know exactly what a quarterback does. But it's also true that he's never ridden his motorcycle into a Buick. And he has never been accused of raping a woman in Lake Tahoe. And he sure as hell has never--NEVER--took a drunk, slutty 20-year old coed into the bathroom of some scummy bar and assaulted her!!"

When asked about the draftee's role with the team, Rooney said flatly, "Look, we spent a ton of money on damage control for these idiots. We took a beating on the Santonio Holmes deal and Sheetz really stuck it to us for a new paper towel dispenser to replace the one Jeff Reed yanked off the wall last year. Who knew those things cost $850,000? Plus labor to screw it on the wall!"

"Honestly, he's all we could afford right now. But, I'll tell you, I expect great things from this kid. I think the team will really get behind him and the O-line........well, how'd you like to be the guard or tackle that lets this kid get hammered into the ground by a blitzing linebacker? Yeah, he'll be sleeping on the couch for a year or two, if he's even ever allowed back in the house."

"And, seriously, what blitzing linebacker is going to want to bury a 4-year old kid? Think that'll get him on the cover of Madden Football? I don't think it will really be an issue, really, until we play Oakland. Those sick bastards will probably practice taking cheap shots on their own kids before they play us........."

While tentatively listed as fourth on the depth chart, Coach Mike Tomlin says that he envisions using Sarver primarily in short yardage situations, 'cause he's, you know, 'short'..........

Sarasota County Begins Use of Death Ray For Traffic Violations

2010-04-17T11:00:00.015-04:00

The Sarasota County Sheriff's Department has quietly begun enforcing its new zero-tolerance campaign on traffic violators within the county. Passed in a secret backroom deal--as is the custom for the Sarasota County Commission--the commissioners used their standard "element of deniability" voting procedure, stating only that all the commissioners present voted by secret ballot for the crackdown, except for one, thereby giving each of the commissioners the ability to proclaim that he or she was the lone holdout, should the legislation become too onerous after the public sees it in action.

While most county residents would like better traffic enforcement, the Commission, looking for support from the radical right-wing fringe of the constituency in their looming fight with the neo-socialist Citizens for Responsible Government over some recent government decisions, most notably the Baltimore Oriole spring training debacle that the group claims was made without public input and in violation of Florida's "Sunshine Law."

In January, the Commission authorized the Sheriff's Dept. to purchase four government-surplus Flame-Ray 2000s, which had recently been made available to local state and municipal agencies because the Feds are now using the new and improved Flame-Ray 2200(b), a greener, more environmentally-friendly version of the 2000, as mandated by new federal standards.

Spokesstormtrooper for the Sheriff's Dept., Master Gunnery Sgt. Knulla Digg, extolled the virtues of the new technology as she took reporters on a typical traffic patrol.

"The Flame-Ray 2000 is very easy to operate, almost to the point of being idiot-friendly, which we viewed as a big plus considering the gene pool of some of our deputies, as well as their mental state at any given time. Two officers, one operating Unit A and one operating Unit B, aim at the target and simultaneously activate the charger beam, causing the targeted object to burst into flame."

"The Flame-Ray 2000 works on all types of vehicles and in all types of situations. Soccer mom mini-van sliding through a stop sign: FLAME ON! "

"Big rig still in the intersection after the light turns red: FLAME ON!"

"Abandoned vehicle by the side of the road: FLAME ON!"

"Foreign tourist tying up traffic looking for a parking space at St. Armand's Circle: ummm, that may have been a mistake. We try not to torch tourists or snowbirds, due to their positive financial impact for the county......"

"Illegally-parked vehicle: FLAME ON!"

"Vehicle illegally parked in privately-owned lot: FLAME ON!"

"Vehicle illegally parked in commercial driveway: "FLAME ON!"

"Vehicle illegally parked on wrong side of street during street-sweeping day: "FLAME ON!"

"Contrary to what some citizens are saying, this new code enforcement policy was not instituted as a revenue stream for the county, unlike the proposed red light cameras. Although, in addition the the fines for the original traffic violation, we are charging the offenders--or their surviving family members, in some cases--a surcharge for the fire department call, the EMT and/or county coroner call, the clean-up of debris by public works, as well as violations of strict open fire prohibitions and various smoke pollution regulations that we just enacted in conjunction with the new traffic policy."

When asked if she thought this new program might be too harsh for traffic violations, M/Sgt. Digg replied, "You think this is harsh? We've just started a new policy in Venice of shooting people for ringing doorbells......"

Obama Closes Down Space Program, Tells NASA "Tie Balloons To Your Asses...."

2010-04-16T01:03:00.005-04:00

Pres. Obama brought his austerity message directly to the National Aeronautic and Space Administration at Cape Kennedy on Thursday, telling the stunned workers they were all fired.

"We have been to the moon," the president told the assembled space workers, "and there ain't nothing there. No matter how many times we go there, there still ain't going to be nothing there except all the expensive crap we take there and leave."

"Any of you who still want to explore the final frontier, tie balloons to your sorry asses and go."

"As of today, the space program is terminated and all of you are fired. I am leaving here and going directly to Houston and give them the same news: 'Houston, you've got a problem. You're fired!'"

With that, the president left the podium and a large contingent of the Florida Highway Patrol collected ID badges, government-issued cell phones and executive washroom keys and accompanied them while they hastily cleaned out their personal belongings from their desks, then ushered the shocked workers off the premises, clanging shut the large metal gates at the end of the causeway behind them.

Most of the 2500 employees gathered in the parking lot of the nearby Titusville Burger King to assess, ironically, the gravity of the situation. Former NASA director, Ralph Kramden, said, "I think I speak for everyone here when I say, 'To the moon, Obama.....'" The manager of the fast food restaurant cut short the director's remarks when he ordered everyone to get off the property unless they were going to buy something.

"And while your at it, get rid of all the furniture in this place." President Obama

Elementary School Play Stirs Controversy At Sarasota Film Festival

2010-04-08T12:33:00.008-04:00

Sarasota County school administrators are defending their entry into this year's Sarasota Film Festival while others are highly critical of the message it's sending to impressionable children.

In October, the 4th grade students of Mrs. Irina Pryzbyla-Bielewicz at the Tony Montana Memorial Elementary School staged a play celebrating the school's namesake. School Board members were so impressed by the students' performance, that they paid almost $2.4 million to have a Hollywood film crew come to Florida to film it. So enthralled were they with the finished product, the board they decided to submit it to this year's film festival. Some reviewers from the film society were considerably less fascinated by the piece, but, undaunted, the School Board mounted an all-out lobbying effort by a Madison Avenue public relations firm, costing the taxpayers of Sarasota County another $1.1 million for their efforts, but were ultimately victorious in getting their featurette on the playbill for this month's festival.

The School Board justified the expenditure of the nearly $3.5 million to produce and market the film, saying: "We believe in celebrating the arts here in Sarasota County and if it costs the county taxpayers a measly couple of million dollars to give some fourth grade kids an unrealistic opinion of themselves and the world around them, then so be it. It's for the children."

Reacting to criticism that the subject matter was inappropriate for elementary students, principal Vinnie Ganucciano replied, "Whaddya think, these kids ain't seen worser violence on the playground out there? Youse think they ain't heard worser language at home when their parents are bitchin' each other out for snortin' the last of the coke or runnin' around with their kid sister or something?"

The fourth graders, however, seemed to take all the hubbub over their play in stride. One of the co-writers of the play, 9-year old Madison Andrews, giggled sheepishly, "When our teacher asked us to write something about the man they named our school after, my friend Erin-Ashley and I thought it would be funner to write a play, so we did. We had to be careful, though, not to allow the poignancy and power of the subject matter devolve into bathos with the lack of thespian experience in our cast, but due to the steady directorial hand of Ms. Pryzbyla-Bielewicz, I feel we more than adequately accomplished an accurate recreation of the tragic events leading up to the foreshadowed demise of Mr. Montana."

This Is Why Every Home In America Needs To Have Guns

2010-04-06T19:32:00.009-04:00

Police: Ohio woman killed over Easter attire
Leg-baring shorts cause confrontation leading to 19-year-old's death

Associated Press
updated 3:55 p.m. ET, Tues., April 6, 2010

COLUMBUS, Ohio - Police in Ohio say a woman shot her cousin to death during an argument that started because one woman didn't think the other was dressed properly for Easter dinner.

Columbus police Officer Jean Holmes said in court Tuesday that the leg-baring shorts worn by 19-year-old Danielle Pickens sparked a verbal and physical confrontation with 42-year-old Evelyn Burgess on Sunday at Burgess' home.

Police say Pickens walked outside to leave and Burgess shot her in the head with a handgun. Pickens died at a hospital early Monday.

Burgess is charged with one count of murder. During her initial court appearance Tuesday, Franklin County Municipal Court Judge William Pollitt set bond at $500,000.

No word yet on whether or not the deceased will be buried in her leg-baring shorts, just to aggravate the jailed Mrs. Burgess.

"Ain't nobody comes to Easter dinner at my house dressed in them short-shorts, lookin' like a ho. Ima teach you to show some respect fo' the Lord......"

Island of Guam Sinks--Take That, Rep. Hank Johnson Haters

2010-04-01T17:50:00.004-04:00

Initial reports coming from the scene indicate that, in the hours just before dawn, the island of Guam capsized and sank in the waters of the South Pacific. Guam, an American territory, is the largest island in the Micronesia chain of islands and has a land mass of about 209 square miles, which supports a population of approximately 179, 000 people, most of which are feared lost due to the sinking. Survivors were found clinging to floating debris, while some had already made it onto boats that were on site collecting the living, as well as the dead.

Ironically, this horrific tragedy comes merely days after Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA) had voiced the possibility of this calamity taking place while questioning Adm. Robert Willard, head of the U.S. Pacific fleet, over the Navy's proposal to station 8,000 additional troops on the island. While some small-thinkers had expressed concerns over island-wide water shortages and overloaded sewage systems and other public utilities, only Rep. Johnson had the wisdom and foresight to ask the most pertinent question of all: "Will the additional weight of people and proposed construction be too much for the little island to bear and sink it?"

While Adm. Willard dismissed the legislator's concerns with a condescending, "we don't anticipate that happening.....", Rep. Johnson was widely ridiculed by the media and science alike for his prescient line of questioning. Said a spokeslackey for the Congressman, "Rep. Johnson regrets the great loss of life and property on Guam and chooses not to stoop to saying, "Nyah, nyah; I told you so," even though he is certainly entitled to do so. Though some would question his scientific credentials to predict such an event, Rep. Johnson is, after all, a duly elected representative from the great state of Georgia. More importantly, he is a college-educated attorney and has practiced law for over 25 years and served as an Associate Magistrate Judge for ten years, so he has to be a smart guy, right? I mean, a LAWYER, after all."

Eyewitness Filbert Mauxinchalk said he was on the southern tip of the island fishing just before sunrise when he witnessed a pelican land next to him. "As soon as the bird settled on the rock, I felt the ground beneath me shudder, then the next thing I know I was in the water with the whole island flipping over onto me. I don't know why I was spared and so many others lost their lives. Maybe I'm being rewarded for keeping my mouth shut all these years after what happened to me when I was an altar boy."

Pope Benedict XVI Implicated In Manson Murder Cover-Up

2010-03-29T22:02:00.002-04:00

The Vatican was rocked today by accusations that Pope Benedict XVI could be held complicit in the infamous Tate/LaBianca murders in Los Angeles in August of 1969. While officially declining comment, the Vatican was in full panic mode to learn as many details of the Holy Father's involvement with convicted killer, Charles Manson, in order to defuse this latest bombshell coming on the heels of the revelation that the Pope may have been party to the child molestations that occurred during his watch.

The story is still in the process of being fleshed out by varying sources, but this much is known:

Pope Benedict XVI, nee Joseph "Joey, the Rat" Ratzinger, entered the priesthood in Bavaria in 1950 at the age of 23. There he encountered a 16-year old American lad who was travelling through Europe and the two became fast friends. When the boy turned 18, Fr. Ratzinger, already a rising star in the church, convinced his young friend to enroll in St. Euthanasias Seminary in Topanga, Austria. Two years later, a newly ordained Fr. Charles B. Manson would begin a brief, yet tumultuous, tenure as a popular Roman Catholic priest.

Father Charles Manson, known to his younger parishoners as "Kumbaya Charlie" for his inspirational music ministry.

In the mid-1950s, now-Monsignor Ratzinger had acquired oversight of several parishes in Austria, including St. Philharmonia, where a charismatic Fr. Charlie was gaining quite a reputation--not all of it good. Rumors swirled throughout the parish when altar boys began disappearing from the community at an alarming rate, with the innuendo finally reaching the ornate, gold-inlaid desk of Msgr. Ratzinger.

In August of 1959, Msgr. Ratzinger visited his old friend to deliver the bad news: either stop abducting altar boys or he would be transferred to another parish, as was the custom. Fr. Charlie insisted that he had done nothing more heinous than every other priest in the church had done and that Msgr. Ratzinger was singling him out because he was an American, calling the Reverand Father a "Nazi." An outraged Msgr. Ratzinger shouted back, "You like America so much, I am send you back. There is opening in parish in South Central Los Angeles, you like your America so much. You touch boys there, they KILL you. Maybe they cut your balls off. You love it there. You never be nothing, Charlie. Not like me."

The two parted bitterly, with Fr. Charlie soon shipped off to the mean streets of L.A. to serve as headmaster at the rundown St. Thomas LaSorda School for Wayward Boys. Fr. Charlie was quickly overwhelmed by the task and eventually dropped out of the priesthood, to begin hanging around with the nascent hippie movement in mid-1960s California, dabbling in psychedelic drugs. He ended up living on the streets, homeless, harboring a gnawing resentment toward his former friend, Ratzinger, for removing him from his cushy post in Austria and shipping him to the crime and poverty riddled, drug-infested ghettos of L.A. The now-defrocked and disgraced Manson vowed that he would somehow carve out a name for himself and make Joey, the Rat sorry for marginalizing him.

And, so, on the night of Aug. 8, 1969, ten years to the day after his heated confrontation with Msgr. Ratzinger, Charles Manson unleashed his 'family' of devoted followers on a murderous rampage over the next two days that would rock the nation and the world. In the weeks to come following his arrest and subsequent notoriety, Manson made good on his promise to make a name for himself and secure his place in history.

Over the years, Manson tried to assign blame for his sorry state to his run-in with Ratzinger, now a cardinal in the Catholic Church hierarchy. Manson wroter letter after letter to his former mentor in the hope of reconciliation and redemption, but it was all for naught; the letters were returned to Manson's cell unopened as Ratzinger continued his inexorable climb to head the Vatican. In a heartbreaking display of frustration at his rejection by Ratzinger, Manson crudely scratched a swastika on his forehead before a court appearance, in an apparent nod to his characterization of Ratzinger being a Nazi years earlier.

"And it still stings all these years later. Sometimes I get headaches from it. But I'll tell you what: that little Bic pen tattoo up there sure saved me from a world of hurt in prison after the Aryan Brotherhood noticed it and became my BFFs."

But Ratzinger had not forgotten his friend from those many years ago. When Cardinal Ratzinger was elected by his peers to become the 265th leader of the Holy Church of Rome, he took the name "Benedict XVI," an obvious reference to Charles Benedict Manson, who was but 16 (XVI) years old when they had first met in that small Bavarian village, a lifetime ago.

Investigators and forensic historians are poring over the facts and timelines of this breaking story. Some questions they hope to answer include:

Could the murders of nearly a dozen innocent people have been prevented if Ratzinger had not transferred Manson to L.A.?

Would Roman Polanski not have assaulted that 13-year old girl if his wife, Sharon Tate, was still alive?

Would Steven Railsback have become a major motion picture star if he wouldn't have been forever typecast as a psycho after portraying Manson in "Helter Skelter?"

Would Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, another Manson devotee, been induced into trying to assassinate Pres. Gerald Ford and, if successful, would that have derailed the career of Chevy Chase?

"I swear I didn't know anything about any little boys.....GAAAAAA!!!!!!"

USF President, New Football Coach, Player Missing; Police Have No Firm Suspects

2010-03-23T19:57:00.006-04:00

Florida law enforcement confirmed earlier today that the president of the University of South Florida, Judy Genshaft, newly-hired head football coach, Louis "Skip" Holtz, and a football player believed to be Joel Miller are missing and all are presumed to be the victims of foul play. Authorities have named former USF football coach, Jim Leavitt, as a person of interest in the case.

Leavitt was dismissed from the USF football program at the end of last season when an internal investigation concluded that he grabbed walk-on Joel Miller by the throat and slapped him twice during halftime of a Nov. 21 football game. Leavitt has consistently denied the incident and filed a lawsuit earlier this month seeking the $9.5 million left on his seven-year contract, along with attorney's fees which are estimated by some legal experts to be about $9 million, leaving Leavitt a cool $500,000, which should just about be enough to retrieve his car from the Hillsborough County Impound Lot, where it was towed at the request of USF campus police while Leavitt was in a meeting on campus last January being fired.

The lawsuit accuses USF of discounting the testimony of Benny Perez and Jack Hypes, both Florida Highway Patrol officers, who said that Leavitt did not strike Miller, a story corroborated by USF strength coach Ronnie McKeefery, a player's parent, Mike Durakovic, safety Jerrell Young, four nuns, a Baptist minister, a Roman Catholic priest, a Jewish rabbi, the entire cheerleading squad and a player to be named later who claim they were all present in the locker room that fateful Saturday afternoon. According to the lawsuit, the university deemed all the witnesses to be "not credible" with no explanation other than "because we said so, that's why."

The case hinges, primarily, on the accusation by Miller, who later recanted his accusation, then, at another news conference re-instated his accusation, which brought about the accusation by Leavitt that Miller "wouldn't know an accusation if it grabbed that little punk by his skinny, lying, pencil neck and slapped him. Twice."

Miller's parents told reporters, "We are firmly convinced, without a doubt, that Jim Leavitt killed our son. Well, maybe not--maybe he didn't. No, in fact, he couldn't have killed Joel. It's just ridiculous to think that Coach Jim would do anything like that to our boy. No, wait, we think--we're sure he did. Yes, that bastard absolutely, positively killed our beloved son, little what's-his-name."

Authorities adamantly refused to disclose details of the trio's disappearance, other than to say that they discovered "three freshly-dug graves containing human remains; one middle-aged, well-dressed female, one 46-year old male with the name "Skip" tattooed on his left arm and one 21-year old male with hand imprints on his throat and on either side of his head" in an end zone of Raymond James Stadium. They refused to speculate on the identities of the bodies until lab testing was completed. When reporters suggested that the end zone of a football field seemed a rather high-profile place for a killer to bury his victims, one FDLE officer close to the case replied, "Not if you're familiar with the two teams that play there."

Leavitt, who was visiting his wife's family in Boca Raton, told reporters that he was returning a shovel and wheelbarrow that he had recently borrowed from his father-in-law and could not comment on either the lawsuit or the disappearance of the three people, due to the pending suit. Leavitt appeared relaxed and at ease, obviously enjoying his time away from football by doing a little gardening, as evidenced by the soil and grass stains on his clothing.

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talking... you talking to me? Well, there ain't nobody else here, so you must be talkin' to me. Who the hell do you think you're talking to? Oh yeah?"

Sarasota Ups The Ante For Google Recognition, Vows To Kill One Citizen A Day Until It's Awarded High-Speed Internet

2010-03-21T22:27:00.005-04:00

In a bold display of oneupsmanship, a hallmark of the Sarasotan spirit of entrepreneurship, local leaders have decided to go "all in" in their bid to woo internet giant Google to bring high-speed fiber-optic internet to the Suncoast.

When stunts like re-naming City Island as "Google Island" and having Sarasota mayor, Dick Clapp, (no, really!), go for a swim with the sharks at Mote Marine Aquarium went relatively unnoticed by Google and the world's press, the movers and shakers behind the local movement knew there was no turning back. They refused to be upstaged by the likes of Duluth, MN, Topeka, KS, front-runner Grand Rapids, MI and many other cities who are willing to sell their collective souls for their fifteen minutes of fame on the Google bandwithwagon.

Google, singularly unimpressed by Sarasota's proposed name change, proposed their own suggestion, noting, "It's this or nothing; we take second billing from no one":

Said Rich Swier, Jr., local tech guru, "I took a page out of my dad's playbook. 'If you can't beat 'em, kill 'em. In fact, even if you can beat them, kill 'em anyway. It's just good business.' (Swier's father is a beloved oil-drilling, gun-toting uber-right wing reactionary who resides in Sarasota.)

"After substantial talks with business and political leaders, we have decided that, until Google makes us one of their fiber-optic test cities, we are prepared to execute one Sarasota citizen per day. And, just to show Google that we're serious, we kicked off the campaign by hanging four randomly-chosen transients that we picked up for panhandling in Five Points Park today at lunchtime. We had a great turnout and everyone there seemed excited about getting faster internet."

Swier's partner, Matt Orr, said the idea came to them when Sarasota's mayor was in the shark tank at Mote. "We both looked at each other at the exact same time and said, 'Dude, wouldn't it be, like, so cool if the sharks actually ATE him?' 'What if we tied a pork chop around this buffoon's neck and threw him back in the tank again?' How much more of a bang would Sarasota have gotten if, instead of swimming with sharks, the mayor would have gone sleeping with the fishes. We instantly knew that human sacrifice was the way to go on this."

"We had briefly entertained the idea of animal sacrifices, but, given Sarasotan's love for all things four-legged, we knew the public would be outraged and repulsed if we even mentioned killing, God forbid, somebody's cocker spaniel. So, humans it was."

Both men stressed that those chosen for sacrifice would NOT be tourists, political figures, developers, financial managers, realtors, lawyers, Ponzi schemers, used car salesmen or any citizen with a verifiable net worth of over $5 million--"those people are the very essence of this town," said Orr. "Everybody else, though, is fair game to be nominated by their friends and neighbors to die a horrific public death."

Said Kathy Baylis, president of the Economic Development Corporation of Sarasota County, "I was a little taken aback by this proposal when I first heard about it, but with Sarasota's skyrocketing unemployment rate making 'suicide bomber' look like a viable career option here on the Suncoast, I quickly realized the economic benefit of the program beyond the internet thingy. I think it's a great way to thin out the labor pool so we can bring those jobless numbers down. I just hope Google doesn't end the contest too soon or we won't have enough deaths to make a noticeable difference in our percentages."

One unidentified City Commissioner gushed, "What's not to love about this idea? Sarasota gets its name plastered all over the worldwide media as an innovative tech haven, we cement our reputation for being the "Meanest City in the Nation" when it comes to the poor and homeless, we clean out the transients, whether by public execution or the attending news and, if we run out of bums, we'll start whacking old people. We'll never run out of them!"

In order to keep the program interesting, fresh and relevant, though, the community is being asked to come up with interesting and novel ways to accomplish the executions. The Sarasota Herald-Tribune is kicking off its "Gettin' Gory for Google" contest in its Sunday edition by inviting reader submissions for non-traditional ways that those chosen for sacrifice could be done in, noting that "points will be given for style, amount of pain and suffering, novelty, blood spatter and local flavor--think buried alive in our famous snow-white sand on one of our beautiful beaches or taking that one last swim with Tilikum, the killer whale from Sea World."

"OK, Duluth, think you're badass? You got any of these in Lake Superior??"

National Guard Restores Order In Sarasota After Riots Celebrating School Tax Extension Victory

2010-03-18T21:18:00.004-04:00

The streets of Sarasota have, once again, returned to calm today--mercifully so--after two days of unimpeded rioting by supporters of the public education tax extension that was approved by voters in Tuesday's referendum balloting, thanks to the overwhelming presence of Florida National Guard troops patrolling throughout the city and various other trouble spots in the county. Local authorities, unable to control the hordes of celebrants, had first contacted the Florida Highway Patrol for assistance, but quickly realized that the situation was out of control and appealed to Gov. Charlie Crist for assistance.

The governor, locked in a heated US Senate race with challenger, FL Congressman Marco Rubio, at first said he was reluctant to appear anti-education, but when told that Rubio viewed the wholesale violence going on in Sarasota as "populist cathartic rage", Crist stepped to the fore and ordered in the troops. Said the governor, "If that little Cuban is for it, then I'm against it, whatever it is. And you can quote me on that. Except for the 'little Cuban' thing maybe....."

The violence began when it became clear that the tax extension would pass, despite Elections Supervisor Kathy Dent's concern that union goons made up primarily of girl's phys. ed. teachers were involved in widespread voter intimidation at several polling places. The jubilant celebration soon turned ugly when the throng of teachers and their supporters, including several thousand students, some as young as second-graders, began smashing out storefront windows in downtown Sarasota, overturning cars and setting them on fire.

At one point, the out-of-control mob went berserk when a school district van delivered the spokesman for the tax opponents, Walt Augustinowicz, into their midst, hands tied behind his back and a hood over his head. The teachers began beating him with rulers and wooden pointers, before hanging his lifeless body from a traffic signal at the corner of Ringling and Main. Lori White, the normally soft-spoken head of Sarasota County schools, appeared energized from the bloodlust, shouting at the dangling corpse, "Who's your daddy now, bitch? Sit up straight when I'm talking to you! Don't have much to say now, do you, Mister Tough Guy? Woooooooo!!!", while flashing the 'hook-em horns' hand gesture, then taking a long swig from a champagne bottle given to her by a colleague before pouring the balance of its contents over his head.

Several liquor stores were looted, fueling the horde's growing appetite for violence. Fires burned throughout the city as firefighters and local police refused to confront the rioters. Said one fireman, "If we can't get police protection to get to the fires, we're not going in alone. Well, that and because our union steward told us that we're not going in as a professional courtesy to the Sarasota Classified/Teachers Association."

As dawn broke Wednesday morning, thick black clouds of smoke rose above the condos and office towers of downtown Sarasota. Fires raged unabated, while union reps for teachers and public safety wrangled with contractual language that would allow emergency personnel to extinguish the blaze without giving the appearance of stepping over the teachers union de facto picket line.

With nightfall on Wednesday, a second night of violence and wanton destruction of property began in earnest as roving bands of educators and other thugs roamed the littered streets of the darkened city, although the smoldering fires and smoky haze did give the little town somewhat of a candlelit glow that was undeniably appealing, not unlike that a beautiful blonde languorously smoking a cigarette across the tiny table of some excruciatingly chic Parisian bistro, lit only by a single flickering candle. National Guard troops arrived shortly before midnight and used tear gas, dogs and armored vehicles to subdue and disperse the mob.

A distraught young soldier sat on a street corner while a medic tended what appeared to be a nasty head wound. Choking with emotion, 2nd Lt. Hudson Bayou of the Florida Guard revealed that he was born and raised in Sarasota and was appalled at the scene, saying, "Do you know what it's like to have to turn a water cannon on a woman getting ready to throw a Molotov cocktail into your vehicle and realize it was your third-grade teacher?"

Damage estimates are expected to be in the tens of millions and plans are being finalized for a ballot referendum to propose a 1-mill "temporary" tax to pay for the repairs.

The Sarasota County School Board has issued a statement indicating that all county schools will be closed until a week from Monday, as all top administrators, the board and three hundred or so teachers are headed to the ultra-posh Mauna Lani Resort in Hawaii for some R & R. Said Carolyn Zucker, president of the school board, "Hey, it's not like we can't afford it, right? Besides, we got a good deal from the resort because an AIG management convention had to cancel because they were shamed into not going by adverse publicity. No such worries for us, though. If it wasn't for these dedicated professional educators before you today, you cretins wouldn't know how to spell 'adverse publicity.' Aloha, y'all!!"

The burned-out shell of Sarasota's City Hall stands as mute testament to the power of public education.

Tim Tebow To Save NFL, Roethlisberger Not Worth His Salt

2010-03-16T14:13:00.008-04:00

Chapter 10

The Parable of Ben, the fall of the wicked warrior.

1 And, lo, those many months later, the Army of Steel went unto the town of Latrobe and there did make preparations to commence a season of war upon their enemies.
2 And, behold, a great light was made to shine round the encampment, and all those therein fell upon their knees with fear.
3 And a mighty wind from the south brought a great cloud into their midst and the light shone through the cloud and they saw a man, clad in raiment of black and gold descend from it, as if on the wings of eagles.
4 And the thunder did roll and the lightning was all around this man, and when his feet touched the earth at the plains of St. Vincent, a multitude of heavenly hosts did sing songs of exultation.

5 And cherubs attended him, as did doves and all manner of lamb and calf and forest creature, for it was Timothy, of the house of Tebow, who had come into their midst, who was to be a light unto the feet of all those who would run headlong into the foe, and a help unto those who would receive the offering from those who would throw the bladder of the swine.
6 And all those who saw Tim were amazed and shouted “Alleluia,” and the plains of St. Vincent rang with the people’s hosannas for him.
7 But there was one among them whom did not renounce the way of Satan to follow Timothy in the paths of righteousness, and this was Ben, who did envy Timothy for the vast amounts of gold, frankincense and myrrh which he was given to join the Army of Steel.
8 For Ben believed himself to be the anointed one, who should be the mightiest of warriors and receive the blessing of Michael, of Tomlin, to lead the forces of good into battle against their foes.
9 Now Ben was also consumed with envy of the love everyone hath shown for Timothy and was vexed that it was no longer he who wore the crown of laurel and was beloved by the people of the Three Rivers.
10 And Michael, of Tomlin, seeth Ben’s jealousy and saith to him, “Verily, I say unto you, behold the man-child who, this day, shall deliver the enemies of the Steelers unto us forevermore.”
11 “Thy loose and wicked ways hath condemned you, your lewdness with women hath brought weakness to thy legs and an excess of wine hath brought weakness to thine arm.”
12 “You hast become a plague unto us and we shall now follow Timothy into war, as you are no longer the chosen one, and now shall bear the shield of Timothy for him and be a help unto him in battle.”
13 Now, Ben was sorely angered at this news and cursed Timothy, which caused Michael, of Tomlin, to suffer him to come with him to another place, away from his army.
14 And Ben cried out, “I will not, for it is my place to lead this army; my transgressions are not of my doing, as there are those who would bear false witness against me and cause me to lose my way.”
15 “What of thy kicker, who hath made war upon that machine by which men can rid their hands of water and who has shown his nakedness to all the world? What of his rebellion against just authority when another of our number was to be arrested for his drunkenness?”
16 What of thy receiver, who did sell narcotics when he was young? What of all those others who hath failed to heed the laws of man?”
17 To which Michael, of Tomlin did answer, “When that day cometh that Timothy declares himself to be equally as noble of foot, then Jeffrey shall be driven from the house of Rooney, as will all those others of whom you speaketh, for we shall become an army that represents the virtue and goodness of the tribe of the Three Rivers.”
18 And Ben fell into a rage, shouting, “I shall remain upon this field and shall not be moved by any man, even he who would usurp my position, for he shall be damned this day by all the demons of Hell itself that I shall summon and I will be king once more and unto me will graven images be wrought!”
19 And with that, Ben did raise his hand against Timothy and he became a pillar of salt.
20 And all those that saw these things that day did fall upon their knees and hide their faces, for they were sore afraid and turned away their eyes that they should not suffer a similar fate.
21 Then, the heavens opened and did weep for Ben, for he was once favored by the Lord, and the pillar of salt that was Ben did melt into the earth and he was no more.

Steelers To Draft Tim Tebow, Super Bowl Victory Assured By Biblical Decree

2010-03-15T19:30:00.005-04:00

Chapter 9

1 And it came to pass in those days, that the once-mighty army of the tribe of the Three Rivers, who were called the Army of Steel, had despaired into sin and degradation because they were vain and proud and had strayed from the paths of righteousness, and the people did gnash their teeth and rend their clothes because of it.
2 For there were those in the army who had become drunkards and whoremongers and brawlers and those who succumbed to the pleasures of the flesh, who reveled in their nakedness and debauchery and no longer wished to follow those precepts set forth those many years ago by the Chief, who forbade such wantonness among his warriors;
3 As it was with Ben, who was the leader of this Army of Steel, who once was favored by the Lord and led his men into victory upon victory, but who had now become sinful and licentious in his ways.
4 Now, the Lord looked upon Ben and was desirous that he forsake his sinfulness, so that He made him to fall from his mount, suffering a grievous wound about his head, for he wore not his armor nor his helmet, and the people prayed with much fervor, that Ben was healed and did repent and led his army to victory, and gave glory to God by raising his hand to heaven in this time of victory.
5 But, once more, Ben had those around him who led him to look away from the face of the Lord and fall into sin with a harlot, and his accuser said, “Ben hath forced himself upon me and I have been shamed and for this I demand redress.”
6 And, again, the Lord heard the cries and lamentations of the tribe of the Three Rivers, who feared greatly that they would be vanquished by those barbarian hordes of Browns and Ravens and Bengals, and did cause she who was scorned to be known as one who would bear false witness against Ben, who did cloak himself in the clothes of righteousness and proclaimeth again his love for the Lord.

7 But Ben soon strayed for a third time, now in the land that is called Georgia, for his drunkenness and pride led him to keep company with a young handmaiden, who now weeps for her lost honor.
8 Now, Ben hath been shown mercy twice before, and his advisors tell him that he is a mighty warrior and should indeed have his choice of concubines with which to copulate and take his pleasure, for he is not subject to the laws of the land, as he is the mightiest of warriors.
9 But the people of the tribe of Three Rivers were sore afraid, for they knew that vexation of the Lord could end their reign as keepers of the Six Rings, as their enemies were many and great and sought vengeance upon this Army of Steel; to smite them, yea, verily, even to slay them.
10 For the Lord speaketh to them, saying, "As I have laid low the once mighty Raiders of Oakland for their wicked ways, so shall I visit my retribution upon the Army of Steel if they continue to forsake my laws and spirit with their evilness."
11 So the leaders of the army, who were the Rooneys, called upon the spirit of the Chief to give them wisdom to make their army strong once more, so that their glory might be restored upon the tribe of the Three Rivers, and the Chief spoke to his sons, saying,
12 “Behold, I give to you this very day in the city of Gainesville, a man-child, who is pure of heart and true of spirit, who shalt restore our favor in the eyes of the Lord and shalt make His face to shine upon our Army of Steel.”
13 “And his name shall be called Timothy, of the house of Tebow, for he loves the Lord with all his heart and it is he, and he alone, who shalt lead the Army of Steel out of darkness in which they now wander and into the promised land.”
14 “And the Lord hath shown him great favor and Timothy has girded his loins with righteousness and painted his face with the word of the Lord.”
15 “Yet there are those who would seek to diminish his works, and saith that he is not a great warrior, that his arm is weak and he would fall at the hands of his enemies in battle, for he is short of stature and ability, as was David before Goliath.”
16 “Yet, just as David slew Goliath, so shall Timothy lead this Army of Steel unto glory, for he shall put away his tunic of orange and blue that he wore as a child and put on the armor of black and gold as a man, for it is so ordained that those who would select their warriors on the fourth week of the fourth month will be led to choose others instead, so that he may lead us,"
17 For Ben hath forsaken me and turned from me, and, likewise, I shall forsake him, and he shall be destroyed, and that without remedy. Amen.”
18 Thus saith the Chief, and it was good.

Why Sarasota Needs School Tax Extension: So Our Teachers Don't Have To Become Strippers Or Get Eaten By Wolves

2010-03-14T03:37:00.004-04:00

Proponents of the Sarasota County public school tax extension to be voted on next Tuesday have offered two more compelling reasons why this tax proposal must be passed. Education professionals cite the recent disturbing news concerning two of their teaching colleagues and how the additional monies garnered from the tax will prevent similar tragic stories from happening to teachers here in the county.

First, the heartbreaking tale of a once-promising young teacher who was living her dream of making a difference in the lives of the young people of Enochs High School in Modesto, CA. An English teacher at the school gave her young charges a dose of harsh reality recently by telling them that, since she had just been told that she would be losing her job due to budget constraints, she was going to "become a stripper and sell her eggs." , according to student, 16-year-old student Tiffany Geisen (see video.)

The teacher, who has been identified as 24-year old, Tanqueray Sugarbush, photo below, had just completed her her 6th period English class lecture: "Was Shakespeare on Crack When He Wrote Those God-Awful Boring Stories?" when she made the announcement to the students.

Former English teacher of the Year, Ms. Tanqueray Sugarbush.

She told her students that because their parents were heartless cheapskates who didn't want to pay their taxes, she had been laid off by the school district. Her only recourse would to become a pole dancer and be forced to live off greasy dollar bills stuffed in her see-through peek-a-boo boy short panties by the filthy hands of degenerate perverts who leered at her through the bottoms of a dirty pilsner glasses. She also said that it was a common knowledge that strippers routinely sold the fruit of their ovaries to dirty little men who operated shady fertility clinics that preyed on innocent young couples whom God did not bless with precious little children of their own.

Former teacher, Tanqueray Sugarbush, took the stage name of Enid Foster to hide her shame of dancing in strip clubs.

Colleagues of Ms. Sugarbush, who was universally liked by her students and fellow teachers alike, were shocked upon hearing her statement, although Phys. Ed. instructor, Norman "No-Nuts" Sweeney, allowed that " she did have a major-league set of hooters on her." Her students remembered how Ms. Sugarbush would use unconventional means to hold the attention of some of their classmates, often staying after regular school hours to tutor some who found her English class to be "hard."

Ms. Sugarbush always found a way to keep her students interested.

Moral of this story: higher taxes mean more teachers and bigger salaries, so teachers don't have to work as strippers; although the average wage of a stripper at Cheetah's on 301 currently stands at nearly 3 1/2 times that of a Sarasota County teacher. Plus performance incentives and bonuses.

Moral of that story: we need more taxes!

The second cautionary tale illustrates the direct correlation between the consequences of voting down the public education tax extension and the very life and death of our teachers.

Earlier in the week, a young woman was fatally attacked and killed in Alaska by, what experts believe, was a pack of wolves--rabid, snarling, flesh-tearing vicious wolves--as she jogged along a deserted stretch of road in the desolate wilderness around Chignik Lake; "chignik" being Inuit for "watch out for killer wolves."

The victim was 32-year old Candice Berner.

She was a teacher.

Moral of this story: if the the voters of Sarasota County pass the tax extension, good teachers like Berner won't have to lose their lives by having to go to someplace like God-forsaken Chignik Lake to teach blubber-eating Eskimo kids how to read and write in some one-igloo schoolhouse when they could come here to beautiful Sarasota to teach our bright, articulate and eager young children advanced calculus and quantum physics in our brand-new palatial $53 million Taj Mahal educational edifice that has fully-stocked tiki bars and hot tubs in all six of the teacher's lounges, conveniently located only steps away from the nearest classroom.

Wolves are not the cuddly, forest-dwelling denizens of lore or the dreamy members of Team Jacob.........

.........they want to kill you and eat your liver. Without fava beans.

E-Trade Baby In Trouble Again, Lindsay Lohan Demands Paternity Test

2010-03-10T16:15:00.012-05:00

Child prodigy actor, 16-month old Tyler Sumnerfield II, star of the E-Trade print and television advertising campaign, is being sued by actress Lindsay Lohan for breach of contract and demanding that Sumnerfield submit to a paternity test. Sumnerfield, already in hot water for his unauthorized turn as an air traffic controller last month at JFK Airport in New York, is being accused by Lohan of breaking his verbal committment to her to star in his next E-Trade commercial.

According to court documents, Lohan contends that she and Sumnerfield had been in a relationship and she was promised that he would get her a co-starring spot in his next commercial. The relationship soured and, as a result, Sumnerfield never delivered on his promise to have her appear in the ad. Instead, Sumnerfield filmed what she claims is a defamatory attack on her reputation, labeling her as a "milkaholic" and is demanding $100 million for improperly using her "likeness, name, characterization, and personality" without permission, violating her right of privacy.

"So, like I'm just chillin' with some friends one night, doin' a little coke, havin' a couple shots, and, like, this commercial comes on with Tyler and, like, then all of a sudden, they're talking about me being this slutty milkaholic chick. Like, that is sooooo wrong."

Friends say she became enraged when she saw the spot and immediately asked if anybody in the room was sober enough to dial the phone to call her lawyer. After several attempts, they finally were able to dial the right number and Lohan spoke to her attorney.

Lohan's attorney, Stephanie Ovadia, said that, in addition to the $100 million lawsuit, they are demanding that Sumnerfield undergo DNA testing for a possible paternity suit. Ovadia would not confirm that her client is, in fact, pregnant, fueling speculation by legal experts that this is just a ploy to coerce Sumnerfield into a settlement.

Sumnerfield held a press conference earlier today, flanked by his legal cousel, attorney Whitney Banks of Sarasota, FL, to discuss the lawsuit, as well as his relationship with Lohan.

"I met Lindsay some months ago at a club in Hollywood. I had just wrapped my Super Bowl commercial and got together with friends to celebrate. Lindsay approached me, said she liked my work, asked if I wanted to party, one thing led to another and she ended going home with me that night. We did, in fact, have a short "relationship", if that's what she wants to call it; I'd just call it a couple weeks of wild sex, too wild for me, as a matter of fact."

"I may have told her something about her being in a commercial, I don't remember. A guy'll say lots of things to get a chick into bed, you know what I mean? At no time did I ever promise her or enter into any sort of verbal contract with her about it, I probably just said I'd see what I could do. I use that line a lot with girls. 'Cause it works. All the time. And nobody's ever held me to it before."

E-Trade had no comment on Sumnerfield's status with the ad campaign, citing the ongoing lawsuit.

"No, seriously, who would confuse this cutie.........

..........with this hot mess???"

Sumnerfield's attorney, Sarasota's Whitney Banks, reacts to his client calling Lohan a "skankapotamus."

Later at a bar, Sumnerfield tells his buddies, "Hey, I heard Lindsay wants ALL of you guys DNA tested....."

"Nah, I'm just playin' with you guys. Except for you, Paxton."

Sarasota School Board Red-Faced Over New Driver's Ed Tool

2010-03-08T10:37:00.005-05:00

On the eve of the vote to renew the public education tax in Sarasota County, the School Board is busily wiping egg off its collective face over the latest high-dollar boondoggle to surface in the school system.

Apparently, the school district's Drivers Ed teachers convinced the administration to buy driving simulators to cut down on actually having to take the school district's fleet of new Lexuses out on the highways and byways of the county. They argued that using a computer simulation to teach teenagers how to drive while texting, finding a good song on the radio and checking out their hair in the rear-view mirror would be infinitely more safer for the kids. Not to mention the instructors. And the tourists. It would be a shame to kill any cash-carrying tourists that came to Sarasota, especially in this economy.

The driving instructors, however, hit paydirt with the administration when they mentioned that they could spend more time sitting in their chairs with their feet up on their desks if the little snot-noses were sitting in a Disneyesque simulator in a darkened classroom instead of actually driving. "Well, if we can give our teachers more time to sit around drinking coffee and reading the newspaper, what's the downside to that?"

The School Board didn't take much convincing to spend $14 million on the simulators, knowing full well that in a few short weeks they would be rolling in the dough when the 1-mill tax extension is passed by county voters. After all, it is for the kids, you know.

One slight problem, however, has surfaced with the driving simulators. Oh, the kids think the graphics are cool, the teachers enjoy not taking those white-knuckle rides down 41 anymore, waiting for that distinctive thump-thump of driving over some hapless soul and the administration hopes to save the $14 million price tag of the simulators in reduced insurance costs now that they won't be having to settle all those wrongful death suits brought by the families of the people who have been run down.

The problem, it seems, is that the driving simulators are made by Toyota.

Take 'er for a test spin yourself and see what all the fuss is about: Toyota Simulator

Don't bother to buckle up. It won't help.

Iraqis Overwhelmingly Elect Saddam Hussein On Write-In Ballot, Officials Unsure How To Proceed

2010-03-07T18:37:00.004-05:00

Iraqi leaders and the Allied Coalition were stunned yesterday when, with over 60% of the precincts reporting, Al-Jazeera was predicting that deposed dictator, Saddam Hussein, would be the winner in the Iraq election after amassing an insurmountable number of write-in votes. Election officials are mulling what they should do next, considering that the will of the Iraqi people is, apparently, a clear mandate for the return of their former leader, who was hanged in Dec., 2006.

This vote is an obvious setback for American and coalition efforts to bring freedom, democracy and the American way to this troubled land, including two wars, countless resources and a tremendous loss of life on both sides. Pres. Obama has been advised of the election's outcome and is meeting with Sec. of State, Hillary Clinton, to devise a course of action. The Obama administration has long held that the Iraqis should have complete control of their internal affairs and that a democratically-elected president should be chosen by a free and open vote, which, by all accounts, is exactly what has taken place, with the election process actually receiving the Jimmy Carter seal of approval.

Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, said earlier today that no one could have predicted an outcome like this. "We had no idea that anything like this was even remotely possible. Don't the Iraqi people remember how evil Saddam was? Don't they know how much better off they are now that they are free and rid of him? Don't they know he's DEAD???"

In an unprecedented display of bipartisanship, the Obama administration was reaching out to some of the very Republicans who had orchestrated the hijacking of the 2004 American election, including Karl Rove, Jeb Bush and Katherine Harris, to determine if the results of this vote could be purloined in a similar manner. Said former President, George W. Bush, "Something like this is bigger than Republican or Democrat ideology, this stuff is REALLY important."

An Iraqi shopkeeper told an interviewer, "I tell you what; you Americans love your freedom, you love your democracy, you love your Wal-Marts, you love your hot dogs and pizza, you love your shiny Cadillacs, you love your Santa Claus--OK, good for you, you keep them. We don't want them. This is Iraq, is not America."

"When Saddam Hussein was in charge, we had electricity, we had gasoline, we had bus system, we had water in pipes, a little money in our pockets. We have law and order. We pretty happy being Iraqis. Foreigners getting rich stealing our oil, but, at least, Iraqis have jobs in oil fields. Only people got killed were people Saddam not like. You don't piss off Saddam, he no kill you. Pretty simple life."

"Now, Americans take over country--even though we don't invite--and Iraqis don't have no electricity, no gasoline, no more water in pipes. And no money in our pockets; doesn't matter if we did, money is not worth nothing no more. No more law, no more order. Foreigners still only ones getting rich off our oil, but now Iraqis have no jobs because they bring in foreign workers from outside Iraq. Now, everybody in Iraq getting killed: young, old, good, bad, rich, poor, man, woman, children--doesn't make difference, everybody get killed. Now is terrible life in Iraq."

Demonstrators have flooded the streets in Baghdad, as well as other cities in Iraq, carrying posters of Saddam Hussein's likeness and banners bearing his name. Spontaneous demonstrations have also been observed in many European cities and on college campuses worldwide, demanding that Saddam be returned to power in Iraq.

Noted conspiracy theorist, Dr. Alvord Heidenheimer, of Whistlebottom College in Sarasota, FL, has long espoused the belief that Saddam is alive and that the execution was staged for the American public who demanded their pound of flesh from the Iraqi dictator. "America and its allies wanted a scapegoat, someone to pay, someone to get a public beatdown at the hands of the forces of good. Hello, Saddam. So, they find him in a hole, put him on trial and hang him. But, not really........."

"Saddam knows too many secrets, has too many friends, knows where the bodies are buried. Literally. Why do you think the first Bush stopped short of going into Iraq and finishing the job? A deal was struck with several Middle Eastern leaders not to interfere with our invasion and occupation of Iraq if we would put Saddam in a "witness-protection"-like program. Everybody agreed to the plan. Well, everybody except Iran's Ahmandinejad; they never told him about it because they knew he wouldn't go along with the whole idea. I mean, the guy's been telling everyone the truth about the Holocaust hoax for years, no one wanted to take the chance that he'd open his mouth about this scheme on the off chance that somebody would believe him."

"I have it on good authority that Saddam Hussein has been seen pumping gas at a BP station in Bridgeville, Pennsylvania. And, if that location sounds familiar to you, it should. That's the exact same gas station that Elvis worked at in the late 1990s until his disappearance the day before the September 11th attack on the World Trade Center in 2001."

Saddam Hussein Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti: b. April 28, 1937, d. ???

"I'll be back........."

Eric Stratton, Star Of “Animal House” Movie, Goes On Rampage, Is Killed In Venice

2010-03-05T23:00:00.006-05:00

The Sarasota County Sheriff’s Department has released a preliminary report on the circumstances surrounding the mysterious death of Eric “Otter” Stratton, a former California physician, whose college hijinks were chronicled in the 1978 film, Animal House. Stratton was beaten, then shot to death near a pond in the 300 block of East Venice Boulevard in Venice.

The official report states that Morrell Denton, 96, and Christopher Janssen, 36, were treated for cuts and bruises at Venice Medical Center and released. Another man involved in the incident, Raymond Duval, 53, was not injured. Listen, if you dare, to chilling audio of 9-1-1 call.

Working from statements from the three men, police theorize that Stratton, 74, was returning to his Venice Ave. apartment around 4:30 AM Thursday morning after a night of excessive drinking and carousing, as was his custom since his college days. He stopped to urinate near a retention pond and, upon exiting through the underbrush, was startled by the presence of the elderly Denton, who was out for his usual 4:00 AM stroll around the neighborhood, surreptitiously checking for homeowner’s association violations. He began berating the drunken Stratton for such dissolute behavior and Stratton then, apparently, attacked Denton, attracting the attention of Janssen and Duval, who, serendipitously, just happened to be doing a little yard work at 4:30 in the morning that particular Thursday.

Using a Sears Craftsman bow handle rake and a Garden Weasel rotary cultivator, the two men beat Stratton about the head and body to stop his attack on their neighbor, Denton, knocking Stratton unconscious. While the two men tended their wounds, Sheriff’s Dept. deputies arrived at the scene, having received numerous calls from neighbors who were out and about, going about their normal daily routine during the time of the 4:30 AM attack.

At that point, deputies say, Stratton regained consciousness and tried to drag his bleeding, broken body into the underbrush in a futile attempt to flee. The eight deputies, fearing for their safety, as well as for that of the crowd of around 60 people who had gathered at the scene around 4:45 AM, emptied their weapons at the suspect at point-blank range, striking the prone Stratton three times in the back. He was later pronounced dead at the scene.

When informed of the tragic death of his former fraternity brother at Faber University, former U.S. Senator, John Blutarsky (R) Utah, released this statement: “I am shocked and saddened at the untimely passing of Eric. While some choose to remember Eric as a womanizer, a conniver and a drunk, I choose to remember Eric as the fun-loving “Otter” from our college days at Delta House at Faber U. The last time I heard from Eric was just after his medical license was revoked following the scandal regarding his gynecology practice in Hollywood. He asked if I could help him secure a position with HHS. Given his checkered past and unseemly lifestyle, however, I told him that I thought he would be more suited for political office. My wife, Mandy, and I express our deepest condolences to the Stratton family.”

Robert Hoover, noted high-profile Baltimore defense attorney, expressed outrage at, what he calls, the suspicious circumstances surrounding the death of his friend Stratton. “I intend to delve into this matter with all legal means available. I find it highly suspicious that the current mayor of Venice is Carmine DePasto, who was the mayor of Faber, PA, when our Delta Tau Chi fraternity was involved in an unfortunate incident in the town back in our college days. It would not surprise me to find out that Mayor DePasto was involved in this killing, as Otter and Mrs. DePasto were rumored to have been romantically linked in the past.”

Sarasota County Sheriff, Tom Knight, has announced that the eight deputies involved in the shooting death of Eric “Otter” Stratton have been placed on ‘double secret probation,” pending the outcome of their investigation.

Eric "Otter" Stratton: 1936-2010 "May your last road trip be your best......"

E-Trade Baby In Hot Water With FAA For Air Traffic Control Incident

2010-03-04T19:23:00.009-05:00

The spokesbaby for online trading giant, E-Trade, has been given a time-out by the Federal Aviation Administration for his antics in the control tower at JFK Airport in last month. He and another child were recorded giving takeoff instructions to departing aircraft, a direct violation of FAA policy. E-Trade issued a statement that they were disappointed in the actions of the two toddlers, emphasizing that the incident did not, in any way, “reflect E-Trade’s standards of professionalism” and noting that the two are actually actors employed by their ad agency and not E-Trade Financial, Inc.

The child, 16-month old Tyler Sumnerfield II, dismissed the seriousness of the charges. “Look,” he said, “I have nothing but the utmost respect for the guys in that tower and the job they do, but this whole thing is getting blown out of proportion.”

“A couple months ago, I was playing golf down in Hilton Head with a friend of mine, his father and a friend of his father—an air traffic controller who works the tower at JFK. Things got a little intense on the course and the friend of the father and I had some words about how the game should be played. I felt bad about it later, so I figured the next time I was in town, I’d surprise old Shankapotamus and look him up.”

“So, a buddy and I and I flew into New York in February for some auditions and ended up meeting the guy for lunch. We had a few cocktails—OK, maybe more than a few—and he wanted to introduce me to the rest of the guys in the tower. I thought it would be a hoot to talk to some of the pilots. Never did I think it was going to be such a big deal. I mean, it’s not like I told any of them to land in the Hudson or anything. Although, I gotta tell you, if one of those pilots would have been that Sullenberger dude, I probably would have.”

The FAA has confirmed the presence of the other boy in the tower, 18-month old Paxton Ratcliff. It was not immediately known if Ratcliff actually had verbal communications with any flight personnel or was merely present in the tower with Sumnerfield. The air traffic controller who ushered the boys into the secure area of the tower has been suspended, pending an investigation by authorities.

E-Trade has made no decision yet on whether or not the two would be dropped from their highly-popular commercial campaign. Said an unidentified spokesperson, “I think the company’s probably going to wait and see how this whole Tiger Woods thing shakes out and go from there. While we certainly don’t condone the actions of these two young men vis-à-vis the nation’s airport security protocols, the importance of the job that the air traffic controllers do and the safety of hundreds of air passengers, at least there were no hookers involved. Well, that we know of yet, I mean……..”

"Ty, dude, I so don't think that's a good idea....."

"C'mon, like, what's the worst that could.........whoa!"

"No, you idiot, I said runway 44, runway 44. Crap, how do you say forty-four in Espanol? Aeromex One-Niner-One, runway cuarenta y cuatro, MUCHO RAPIDO!"

"Yo, Pax, how many planes did I say we had left up in the air?"

"All right, all right, I quit. Jeez, it wasn't that close. I mean, he must have missed that other guy by at least this much........"

Everybody has a blooper reel:

“Grande, Vente Or A Box of 130 Grain, Hydra-Schock Jacketed Hollow Points For Your .357?” Guns Come To Starbucks With A Bang

2010-03-03T17:06:00.008-05:00

In a move sure to bolster lagging coffee sales, Starbucks has announced that their stores are now “free-fire zones,” meaning that if you have an aversion to being shot, then please take your business elsewhere. Long considered a bastion of snooty liberal elitists, Starbucks has done a complete turnaround and is now catering to pro-gun advocate groups like the Tea Party political tsunami, the N.R.A. and, of course, the Bloods and the Crips, who will undoubtedly give up sucking down hard liquor and cheap wine from paper bags and begin politely sipping iced peppermint white chocolate mochas as they plot turf war drive-bys

"Our new baristas are waiting to serve you."

Sarasota’s Starbucks are adapting to the change, but not without incident. Where once business casual and resort wear were the dominant fashion trends at the local Starbucks, the baggy pants, hoodies and prison tats of local gangs now mingle with the plaid shirts, faded jeans and cowboy hats of the good old boys from Arcadia, as they compare calibers, magazine capacity and the various ammunition choices for their respective firearms.

In an unprecedented display of practicality, the two groups have begun to quietly divide up the area Starbucks to avoid unnecessary bloodshed. All Bradenton Starbucks, naturally, will belong to the street gangs, with the exception of the one in Lakewood Ranch, since nobody goes to Main Street anyway. The Starbucks at the Prime Outlets in Ellenton, as well as the downtown stores and the one in St. Armands will alternate weeks between the two factions, except during season when finding a place to park near those Starbucks is just ridiculous.

The Starbucks in the two area malls, along with the other suburban locations, have been designated as what some are calling “redneck Starbucks.”

The Starbucks in Venice is has not been claimed by either group, since no one wants to go up against their specific clientele of aging WWII veterans, especially now that they are likely to be locked and loaded.

Earlier this week, Gandy Hypoluxo, 38, of the Arcadia Shores Trailer Park, had to receive medical care following an unfortunate incident at the Clark Rd. Starbucks. While demonstrating the importance of gun safety to his 3-year old daughter, his normally-reliable Smith & Wesson 1911 “Respector” somehow misfired (he claims), resulting in a minor flesh wound to Hypoluxo in the foot and effectively ruining a perfectly good pair of K-Mart work boots.

"Oh, hell, Gandy, that don't look so bad........"

"GAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"

"Hey, is that a new lamp I can see through the hole in your foot?"

Blame Bits & Pieces for the pics

Chilean Earthquake Knocks Earth Off Axis, Miami Now On Equator

2010-03-02T19:57:00.007-05:00

NASA Scientists have determined that the recent earthquake in Chile has tilted the Earth off its axis some 33 degrees, placing Miami just about squarely on the Equator and the Florida Keys in the Southern Hemisphere. Mandatory mass evacuations of low-lying areas are being conducted at this time due to the ‘sloshing effect’ of the planet’s sudden new alignment causing massive tsunamis affecting all coastal regions.

Orbiting satellites are now essentially useless as their orbital trajectories no longer correspond to earth’s signaling locations, knocking out communications across the globe. Tectonic plate shifts of this magnitude have never been experienced before in the history of the planet and all their ramifications have yet to be learned.

Polar ice caps have shifted, as well, and have already begun to melt at an alarming rate which will, in a matter of days, begin raising the sea level, placing certain coastal cities in untenable positions, adding to the woes of those regions. One unexpected development has been the uncontrolled flow of vast quantities of crude oil from fissures in the earth’s crust near Sarasota, FL, which had apparently been sitting atop a heretofore unknown oil field of unimaginable proportions.

When asked if the scientific community knew something like this could happen, one unnamed NASA scientist stated, “Clearly, we had no inkling of the impact that the Chilean event until things started happening. We just kind of looked at each other with that deer in the headlight look. We had no idea of exactly what was happening, how long it would last or what the consequences to humanity would be. As far as we were concerned, it was a case of round and round she goes; where she stops, nobody knows. Certainly not us.”

Canadian officials, while pleased that the maritime provinces of New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island and Nova Scotia are now situated in more temperate climes and likely to see a boost in tourism, they are secretly lamenting the timing of this cataclysmic disaster. Said one identified government official, “If this woulda happened a month ago, we’d a-had snow in Vancouver for the Olympics, eh, now that it’s up there borderin’ on the Arctic Circle.”

Some experts at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, however, are downplaying the magnitude of concern over the displacement of the polar regions, the untold misery of the tidal surges and tsunamis unleashed by the sudden movement of the earth and the countless horrors that await mankind because of the tilting of earth’s axis. “Now that we’re spinning through space wobbling like a wounded duck, we are currently preparing calculations to tell us exactly when we can expect to smash headlong into the Moon or another planet. If, by the some freak of nature, the grace of God or some other reason we don’t, in time we will eventually crash into the Sun and be incinerated. So, our advice to the public at this time would be to not sweat the small stuff like the 1.26 milliseconds added to your day.”

“The good news is that we're all going to be dead before the bank can foreclose on your house now......”

Sarasota Schools Spend $3.2 Million To Make Video Supporting School Tax Extension

2010-03-01T09:30:00.007-05:00

The Sarasota County School Board has admitted spending over three million taxpayer dollars to create a commercial that will air on local television stations urging voters to support the 1-mill public education tax extension. Administrators pooh-poohed critics who were of the opinion that this expenditure was an improper use of education funds.

According to an official statement released this morning by the School Board, it stated: "Pfffftt, like your the boss of us," referring to county taxpayers. "Like every other governmental agency in Sarasota County, the first thing we did was to hire an obscenely-expensive out-of-state educational consultant to tell us what to do. After months of extensive research, the consultant came back to us with a 156-page report that basically told us to do one of two things: either hold a bake sale or put on a show. A couple years ago, we tried a bake sale. All the mothers just went to Publix and bought cookies--didn't even bother to take them out of their original packaging and try to pass them off as homemade. So, no more bake sales."

"We then hired a high-profile Madison Avenue advertising agency. In a couple months, they submitted two commercials with big-name actors. We screened the two ads in our state-of-the-art mega-media theater with stadium seating and Dolby surround sound that we had built in the school board's office complex in the Landings. We all agreed that the Danica Patrick one where she takes off her top was too much like her "Go Daddy" campaign and the other one featuring Dennis Rodman would have had to have been bleeped down to nothing just to get it on the air. The agency offered to make another spot with Quentin Tarantino directing, but they wanted an extra $750,000 on top of the $600,000 we had already paid them."

"One of our educational professionals suggested that, this being Sarasota, we have all the talent we needed to mount a first-class show right here in town. We laughed at her naivete, but figured we had nothing left to lose except the last $1.7 million remaining in the ad budget, so we let her run with it. After a day-and-a-half of planning and 20 minutes or so of rehearsal, we had a commercial that we think will tug at the heartstrings of each and every voter out there and convince them to pass this tax extension."

School administrators were quick to point out the fiscal responsibility demonstrated in the making of the video, noting that the children in the piece weren't paid anything and the teachers involved were happy with "a couple grand apiece." In addition, school board members were thrilled to finally get a chance to use all that top-of-the-line video equipment that they had purchased several years ago from a board member's brother-in-law, but never had occasion to use, so "we saved money there by not having to go out and buy all new stuff."

Responding to critics who cited the involvement of students to make the video, one school board member angrily defended the practice. "Why don't these screwballs just shut their pie holes. We went to college for this stuff. You think we don't know what we're doing; we're professionals, for crying out loud. Every one of those kids who had anything at all to do with completing the video was given an automatic 'A' for all their classes this semester. Think they won't pressure their folks into a 'YES' vote next Tuesday?"

Taking their cue from some of the most successful television ads of all times, the Sarasota County School Board will air their commercial just one time only. While it won't be during the Super Bowl, officials are confident that showing the ad once on Channel 7 during Wheel of Fortune on the day prior to the election will give them the most bang for their buck, citing a recent $125,000 demographic report that they had commissioned, stating the same.

"What we want, you’ve got,
And that’s your vote tomorrow.
If we must, we’ll beg, steal or borrow,
‘Cause we’ve been taught no shame.

So, now make our dreams come true,
Well, well, vote twice to make our dreams come true..... "

No students were harmed in the making of this video. Of course, none of them received much of an education while making the video, either, but, at least, nobody got hurt. And, isn't that what school's really all about anyway........

Alleged Murderer, Prof. Amy Bishop, Makes Calls On Behalf Of Sarasota County's Proposed 1-Mill School Tax

2010-02-26T17:11:00.007-05:00

Sarasota County residents are receiving unsolicited recorded telephone messages from accused murderer, Amy Bishop, urging support of the School Board’s extension of the 1-mill tax to benefit public education in the county. While some residents have expressed outrage and disbelief at having a woman charged with killing three colleagues and wounding three more acting as a spokesperson for the school district, School Superintendent Lori White replied that Dr. Bishop is an appropriate choice.

“First of all,” said Ms. White, “she’s a doctor, OK? I mean, like, how many of you are doctors? She went to Harvard. So, how many of you brainstorms ever went to Harvard? Like, you probably don’t even know where Harvard is. Secondly, she is a educator, respected by her peers for her commitment to higher learning, as well as for her marksmanship. Lastly, she is the mother of four children, so she knows what’s best for kids. And, fifthly, she was the biggest celebrity we could get for the piddling amount of money left in our advertising budget after we made all those political contributions. Paris Hilton, our first choice, wanted triple what we had to pay Dr. Bishop.”

Residents complain that they have received the ‘robocall’ up to 10 or 11 times a day for the past week. One anonymous county resident reported, “It’s one thing to get this call day in and day out several times a day, but when your phone rings at 2:30 in the morning and you hear this deranged woman’s voice telling you to vote for the tax or you’ll be sorry, it’s a little disconcerting, to say the least.”

The text of the call is another point of contention for some:

“Hello, this is Dr. Amy Bishop, formerly of the University of Alabama at Huntsville biology department and now Inmate #5595136 of the Huntsville Correctional Facility, awaiting trial on a trumped-up, completely erroneous charge of multiple homicides, of which I am completely confident of being exonerated.”

“As a Harvard-educated neurobiologist, I am living proof of how far you can go in life with the proper education and friends in the local police department. My late brother didn’t think school was important, but I showed him that he was wrong. Dead wrong.”

“As a dedicated professional educator, I can’t stress enough how much your vote on the upcoming 1-mill tax extension means to the young impressionable children of Sarasota County. Your tax money will fund pizza parties, giveaways and limo rides for so many deserving children. Smart children, who deserve to be rewarded, not like the little slugs who just go along, coasting through school. They deserve NOTHING! YOU HEAR ME, NOTHING! They will never go to Harvard. They will never be neurobiologists. They will never be doctors. They'll just grow up to be naysayers and backstabbers who would deny their brilliant colleague tenure because they're jealous of how smart she is. So, she'll just have to show them, that's all. She'll have to show them how evil they were to deny her tenure, to deny her the career she so richly deserves. She'll have to show those catty bitches once and for all.........”

"But, I digress."

“I urge you to please vote ‘yes’ on the school tax extension. No, in fact, I demand that you vote ‘yes.’ Don’t make me come to Sarasota to make you pay for not voting ‘yes.’ I know where you live…..”

"It's for the children, dammit."

Accused Killer Whale Under Suicide Watch In SeaWorld Lockdown

2010-02-25T20:12:00.014-05:00

Just a day after going on a murderous rampage, popular SeaWorld entertainer, Tillikum, the Killer Whale, remains in police custody, refusing to talk to authorities about the incident. Orange County authorities report that the attack on a trainer appears to be a isolated assault and not part of a larger plot of imprisoned ocean-going mammals revolting against their human captors, as claimed earlier by Fox News.

Marine experts remain baffled by the sudden and unprovoked assault on the trainer. Detectives, however, are piecing together the killer's sordid past and are shocked to discover his extensive rap sheet:

April, 1985: A young orca whale sticks up a bait shop on a dare near Seattle, WA, tail-whipping the owner and two employees, one critically, in the process. He was later arrested in Puget Sound after being identified by distinctive gang tattoos on his dorsal fin. He is charged with assault, robbery and attempted manslaughter. Mother claimed that he'd been swimming with the wrong pod lately, that he's really just a nice, quiet killer whale. Sentenced to 8-10 years, lawyer pleads term down to 2 1/2 years since he is a first-time juvenile offender.

October, 1990: The orca's probation officer helps him secure a job with Sealand of the Pacific, where he takes on the stage name of "Orville, the Orca" and begins his show business career. He seems to be a natural and is soon the headliner at the now defunct marine park.

June, 1991: In a fit of rage, Orville drags trainer Keltie Byrne underwater to her death in front of a crowd of spectators. The two were said to have been inseparable since Orville's earliest days at the park and their friendship had blossomed into romance. In recent days, however, Orville had become increasingly agitated, accusing Byrne of seeing other mammals, sparking the attack. Awaiting trial, Orville jumps bail and flees the country.

December, 1995: While living off the coast of Florida under an assumed name, Orville, now broke, homeless and surviving off the handouts from local fishing charters for turning a few tricks, wangled an interview with SeaWorld in Orlando under the alias of "Raoul." He is hired for a supporting role in the show, but quickly rises, once again, to the role of headliner. He is known throughout the SeaWorld Park system as a lothario and goes on to father 13 offspring. Renamed "Tilikum" by a SeaWorld publicist.

May, 1999: After a night of drinking and inhaling sardines, park workers the next morning find the lifeless, naked body of one Daniel Dukes sprawled across the back of Tilikum. Rumors of homosexuality send the orca into despair and deep depression, which he combats with excessive amounts of prescription drugs, eventually becoming addicted to the medications. He would spend the next two years trying to shake the demon of drugs, suffering frequent relapses along the way, eventually becoming clean and sober with the help of the park's medical staff.

The 2000s: Tilikum enjoys several years of relative peace and prosperity at the Orlando theme park, relishing his role as stunt double for various Shamu whales at the park and continuing to sire calves with prodigious regularity in his role as the "Stud of SeaWorld." "Having a whale of a time--ha ha," he would write to his mother.

February, 2010: Tilikum now swims accused in the drowning death of trainer, Dawn Brancheau.

Characterized as a 'loner' by dolphins in a neighboring tank at SeaWorld, most were baffled by Tilikum's sudden violent outburst. "He seemed quiet," said one anonymous dolphin, "except during mating season. Then he'd swim around like he was God's gift to whales. Thought he was a regular sperm whale. There were nights when none of us got any sleep for all the carrying on next door, but we dolphins were always up for the next day's shows, you know. We're professionals, not like those publicity-grabbing whales. If one of us was charged with a crime like this, we'd end up in somebody's cat food bowl, but not those big-shot orcas. Probably just get another slap on the fin. How many people does he have to kill before you humans get it? He's a thug and needs to be put away for everyone's safety. That dude is 12,000 pounds of bad-ass blubber."

PETA and the Humane Society will be handling Tilikum's defense, citing mitigating circumstances for his recent behavior, including harrassment by the trained seals and longer working hours. Legal experts agree that the defense will have its work cut out for them, as the witnesses and accompanying amateur video all seem to point to an unprovoked attack by the whale, although PETA does have a history of getting perpetrators of animal against human attackers reduced charges and lesser sentences.

PETA has long claimed that orcas and other marine mammals should never be subjected to the grueling performance schedules and confined living conditions that are prevalent in today's marine amusement parks. "It was only a matter of time before one of them snapped," said a PETA spokesperson. "Why do you think they call them "killer whales?" Everything seems to be fine, then one day one of these creatures gets a bug in his blowhole and all hell breaks loose. He was a loaded spear gun just waiting to go off. So, whose fault is it, really?"

Tilikum, a.k.a "Tilly", a.k.a "Orville, the Orca," a.k.a "Raoul," a.k.a "Tillah, The Killah," a.k.a "T-Doggy-Dogg."

Sarasota Journalist, David Grimes, Target of Canadian Hit Squad

2010-02-24T13:09:00.004-05:00

The Suncoast was in shock today following the revelation that noted Herald-Tribune humor columnist, local raconteur and man-about-town, David Grimes, was assassinated by a crack Canadian hit squad following his Sunday column concerning that country's hosting of the Winter Olympics. Mr. Grimes article was unexpectedly met with incendiary vitriol from the usually docile local Canadian snowbird population, as witnessed by this 'Letter to the Editor' published in the Weds, Feb. 24th, edition of the local newspaper. Some experts now believe that this letter was actually written by the leader of the elite killing team, known only as "Kevin," and served as the triggering mechanism to put the plot into motion.

The highly-secretive intelligence agency of Canada, headed by former Royal Canadian Mounted Police hero, Inspector Dudley DoRight, has long disavowed even the existence of a sinister arm of the agency known as the 'Moose-ad.' Privately, however, counterterrorism organizations worldwide agree that this action has all the hoof marks of a Moose-ad killing.

Mr. Grimes had been lured to the Sarasota Ritz-Carlton with the promise of free food and cocktails from an unknown source. Never one to pass up either, Mr. Grimes went to Room 230, as instructed. Hotel surveillance footage, below, shows the macabre dance of death carried out by the 11-member Canadian hit squad, with members serving as look outs, diversions and spotters. One of the last persons to leave the ill-fated Grimes in Room 230 was the icy-cold female assassin, known to authorities only as 'Gail,' who seemed to take a measure of personal delight in carrying out the grisly torture and murder of the local celebrity. Security experts do not believe at this time that 'Gail' was a true member of the Moose-ad and could possibly have been a freelance contract killer of some sort.

The end of the video shows the 'Kevin' and 'Gail' boarding a SCAT bus for the Sarasota-Bradenton Airport, where their trail disappears. The video is narrated with commentary by Sarasota PD in an unknown language described by police only as "cop talk," which is believed to have come into use on all surveillance tapes reviewed by the department following several embarrassing videos recently leaked to the media, in which cartoonish sound effects and ethnically-derogatory comments were inserted into the now-infamous Juan Perez tape of him crawling headfirst out of a patrol car while handcuffed, faceplanting, then being kicked by an officer.

Sarasota P.D. has released the surveillance video to various media outlets for public viewing in the unlikely hope that someone will come forward with information. Typically, however, in cases like this, public help is virtually non-existent, due to intimidation from the large influx of Canadian visitors who flock to the Suncoast every winter. The Herald-Tribune has, apparently, succumbed to pressure to not cover the murder after an alleged visit from Canadian goon squads bearing hockey sticks and curling brooms and has agreed to print only Canadian news, notably hockey scores, until April, when the majority of the Canadian snowbirds will begin to make their way back north.

Mr. Grimes was only 32 at the time of his death, although he had the appearance of a much older man, undoubtedly due to his years spent as a hard-living journalist. He leaves behind a widow, Gail (!), and two elated pugs.

"Don't Call Me The Lady Who Hates Baseball," Demands The Lady Who Hates Baseball

2010-02-18T11:07:00.008-05:00

And, so, the fight over baseball's future goes on. And on. And on.

Even though pitchers and catchers reported yesterday afternoon and the remainder of the team to be in camp next week, the Committee Against Everything is working feverishly to send the Baltimore Orioles packing back to Ft. Lauderdale. Or Lee County. Or Baltimore. Any place but Sarasota. In fact, they would prefer it if the team just would go straight to hell. But if they did, the O's would be sure to enjoy a much more friendly reception from its denizens and deal with a much higher level of professionalism from its leaders than here in Sarasota.

The Committee Against Everything/Sarasota Citizens For Responsible Government Chapter just wants one thing: their way. And they intend to do everything in their power to get it, no matter how much taxpayer money it costs to paralyze county government with filibustering lawsuits, self-righteous lawyers (as if there were another kind!) and banging the drum of Jeffersonian ideals to attract the Tea Party hangers-on and assorted other obstructionists. God bless America!

"I think this is legalized stealing," pontificated Cathy Antunes, who organized a grass roots campaign to stop taxpayer resources from being used to help keep pro baseball here for spring training in Sarasota, as it has been since 1924. And she's prepared to spend every last dollar of Sarasota's taxpayer money to stop it.

Antunes claims to "know baseball." She also claims to be a devout Yankee fan. That explains a lot. It also discounts her claim to know baseball. Perhaps she knows Yankee baseball, with their self-centered sense of entitlement, boorish manners and haughty, indignant attitude, but she doesn't know real baseball.

Her husband is reportedly a Boston Red Sox fan. That explains even more......

She complains to the Herald-Tribune that she doesn't like being known as The Lady Who Hates Baseball. We suspect that she would just as soon be known as The Lady Who Hates Everything and Everybody.

The Herald Tribune also reports that Antunes is a drug rep, er, 'pharmaceutical salewoman.' You know, someone who goes around glad-handing doctors by buying lunches and passing out pens and notepads festooned with the company logo, trying to get the doctors to prescribe even more of whatever pills, equipment or procedures are churned out by the the company she represents. Not that there's anything wrong with that. After all, it is universally accepted that the drug companies only have our best interests at heart, is it not? Shouldn't Antunes be lobbying against health care reform, protecting the profits of Big Pharma, Big Insurance, Big Hospitals and Big Medicine, instead of railing against Big Baseball?

Ahhh, but it's NOT about baseball, Antunes insists. It's about--what else--truth, justice and the American way of life. Which, of course, necessitates the involvement of attorneys. Who knew?

The Committee Against Everything/Sarasota Citizens For Responsible Government Chapter has judicial bulldog, Andrea Mogensen, as their champion, she of the recent $750,000 judgment against the City of Venice over a Sunshine Law violation, paid out by the good taxpayers of that community. Mogensen has made a career out of litigating these busybody lawsuits that benefit..............Mogensen's bottom line.

In these current halcyon days of unprecedented cooperation in efficiently accomplishing the people's business in government, when anything an elected official says on the record or off is sure to become fodder for the opposition, when those veteran elected officials are dropping out of politics because its become too much of a blood sport (except for Sarah Palin, of course, who quit as governor of Alaska so she could concentrate on engaging in even more political bloodshed as just a 'concerned private citizen.'), how can anything get accomplished legislatively in the glare of the spotlight? As a republic, America takes great pride in our cherished ability to vote freely for representatives to conduct our affairs in the seats of government, but we take even more delight in shouting them down and calling them out, before we re-elect them all over again and again.

At a time when governments all over the globe are lobbying and strategizing and pressuring and cajoling and leveraging and promising and brainstorming and planning and campaigning and promoting and generally fighting tooth-and-nail for every single job that they can possibly bring into their particular area, they are sure to be taking a long, hard look at Sarasota and how its civic and governmental leaders are attempting to attract new businesses to the Suncoast.

And laughing.

Sarasota's new slogan: "Yep, we got a suit for that......"

Local Author, MC Coolidge, Gives Up Quest For '365 Days Of Fun,' Will Join Convent Instead

2010-02-15T19:59:00.009-05:00

Noted Sarasota diarist, journalist and all-around bon vivant, MC Coolidge, has abandoned her self-imposed year-long journey to have fun every day of 2010. What began with such promise in that seminal essay that she penned for the New Year's Day edition of the Herald-Tribune, where she vowed "I'm not going to let another 365 days go by existing solely in survival mode. In 2010, baby, I'm going to have me some fun.....I am going to write that novel, buy a sexy suit for swimming, rip the plastic off my shrink-wrapped life and open my heart to sheer fun."

Author M. C. Coolidge, prior to her descent into hell.

Tragically, those expectations of joy, of higher aspirations have come crashing ashore, dashed on the unforgiving shoals of real life. As do so many at the turn of the calendar year, Ms. Coolidge succumbed to the exuberance that is a new beginning, a new chapter; like a brand new Etch-A-Sketch that your little brother hasn't played with yet, still devoid of his indelible mark of greasy fingerprints. Now she sits alone in a darkened room somewhere, her dream of fun shattered into a million tiny shards that, even though she'll sweep them up as best her Hoover canister will allow, there will always be just a few pieces that will remain to lodge in the sole of her foot, as well as in the very soul of her spirit, a constant and painful reminder of her failure and disillusionment.

To her faithful cadre of readers, the train wreck to come became more evident with each installment of her plaintive missives:

Jan. 2: "Which, brings me to yesterday …. supposedly my first day of a fun-filled year. Okay, um, not so much. Fun, that is."

Jan. 4: **LANGUAGE WARNING** "Jiminy Cricket! Day four of my FANY (Fun Ambitions for New Year) resolution and I’m in loser-ville!"

Jan. 6: "...writing like I did yesterday is actually fun. A perverse, brain-wracking, mentally exhausting, kind of fun...."

Jan. 8: "Eek! Yesterday I fell off the fun wagon....I had read about a lecture I wanted to go to —a lecture about.....the Holocaust...but didn't go." (We see here that, even by day 8, her mind, ill-accustomed as it was to distinquish pleasureable experiences, ie, 'fun' from distasteful experiences, ie, 'real life,' is now beginning to equate experiences such as a lecture about one of history's most abhorrent episodes of depravity and human suffering with 'fun')

Jan. 11: "....the place was so jam-packed you got to second base — with just about everybody — just by trying to make it to the bathroom and back." (Now we see that Coolidge's concept of 'fun' has degenerated further into tawdry snippets of perversion. Yet she seems, somehow, to realize the downward spiral in which she is ensnared.) "So, was it fun? It was a decent enough time … but still not the kind of fun I’m trying to have in 2010."

Jan. 12: (By the very next day, however, her idea of 'fun' has devolved into outright pandering to her horrified, yet riveted, readers.) "If you’d like to help me have some fun....just vote for MC as “best blogger” in the (Sarasota M)agazine’s online poll."

Jan. 16: "Geez. I’m more than a little disappointed in myself. I’m sorry to be such a drag."

Jan. 18: "After a dismal last week through Friday, then, came Saturday.....a rainstorm."

Feb. 4: "I don’t know. But I cried. And weirdly. Very weirdly … I was having fun at the same time." (Here, it is evident that Coolidge has lost all concept of her elusive 'fun,' as she now considers weeping to be "fun." Thankfully, the end of all this suffering is at hand.)

Feb. 11: "It’s nearly 930 on a Thursday night and I just finished re-hanging the shower door...and I’m thinking … really … where the hell is my MC Mojo? If anybody finds it, will you send it back?" (Having lost all sense of 'fun,' Coolidge puts on a brave face for her readers while making what is an obvious cry for help.)

Feb. 12: "Sheesh. Last night after I posted my “woe is me, I don’t got no fun” blog, I realized what a whiner I’ve turned into about this whole “365 days of fun” thing I got myself into for my New Year’s Resolution.....I’m not going to write again — about fun...."

Thus, on Feb. 12th, 2010, a scant 43 days into her pursuit of fun, it is over. Mercifully.

It was reported that Ms. Coolidge, emotionally spent and mentally exhausted, has entered a convent and will begin the process of becoming a cloistered nun when her physical and psychological health allows, much to the chagrin of her adoring male fans, which were legion.

When she completes her studies and recites her vows, she will take on the name of "Sister Mary-Katen Ashley" of the Little Sisters of the Condominium on the Beach, where she will join in their ministry to the dissolute and downtrodden former property owners of Siesta Key, who bought at the height of the real estate boom and are now living on the streets, albeit the tony, paved-with-gold streets, of Siesta Key.

The soon-to-be Sister Mary-Katen Ashley, on Siesta Key beach, hawking the famous "Fly-Or-Die" insect and unwanted beach lothario repellant device, for which the Little Sisters craft by hand and sell to tourists, as their main source of funding their unique mission. Observe the physical change in appearance wrought by her ill-fated quixotic quest for 'fun.'

May you find, if not the fun you so hoped to discover, the peace you so richly deserve, dear Little Sister......

I'm Andre Watkins and I Am The N.R.A.

2010-02-15T09:09:00.002-05:00

"My name is Andre Watkins. I've been accused of shooting to death a 19-year old girl and critically wounding two other apparently random victims, committing an armed carjacking and trying to shoot another man who, unfortunately, escaped. Now, I am incarcerated in the Hillsborough County Jail where I am being mistreated, subjected to police brutality, made to wear a hood at my arraignment so I couldn't spit on the guards, attempted to prevent me from screaming profanities at the judge and, worst of all, won't return my pistol to my possession in direct violation of my Constitutionally-protected Second Amendment rights."

"I am the N.R.A..........