Siesta Key Beach Battle Looms: There Will Be Blood

Siesta Key residents have begun digging in on the beaches of this sleepy little village, vowing to fight to the last man to keep the sand on their beloved beaches pure, pristine and unadulterated by sand from lesser locales.

Sarasota County has attempted to import sand from Lakewood Ranch to infill where they recently removed a concrete seawall, instead of using Grade AAA Siesta Key Fine sand. When local Jim Overbeck tried to intervene, he was arrested.

"I know the deputies say he "threw himself on the sandpile" to stop the bulldozer from moving it," said wife, Anne Overbeck, "but he really didn't. The crazy, old fool tripped over his own big feet and fell right on his keister into the sandpile. It was an accident, plain and simple--not trespassing!"

When Mr. Overbeck was being arrested, he complained of dizziness and light-headedness. Arresting officers noted several used syringes sticking in his rear, as well as a small laceration on his left hand from one of the many visible shards of broken glass in the dirt pile.

"See all this crap in this dirt," said Overbeck, "this is what those bastards want to spread on our beaches--medical waste, broken glass, rusty nails, chewing gum--just look at it. Overbeck then lapsed into a coma, before being hauled away in a police cruiser.

Karyn Erickson, president of Erickson Consulting Engineers who is in charge of this operation, tried to reassure the concerned citizens with, "the sand is just fine; it needs a little raking and grading, that's all."

Meanwhile, as dusk falls over this troubled piece of paradise, Siesta Key residents have taken matters into their own hands. Both the North and South bridges to the island are in the hands of residents who are controlling access to the key.

Residents are also hardening their beach fortifications, hastily erecting tank traps, installing mines and stringing razor wire, as well as laying in fresh supplies of food, water and ammunition.

"We want to be prepared," said one graying resident, pulling on his WWII-vintage helmet. "Between our preparations here on the north end of the public beach and that crazy, old broad down on Turtle Beach who beats people with her cane when they walk on her beach, we're confident that we are ready."

In a hastily-called press conference, the Sarasota County Sheriff's Office would not rule out an amphibious assault, possibly as soon as dawn tomorrow.

Discussions To Prevent Total Global Economic Collapse Put On Hold While World Debates Pros, Cons Of Susan Boyle Makeover

World leaders have put on hold their last-ditch efforts to save the world from complete and utter financial collapse to focus of the most pressing issue since the selection of a new dog for the Obama White House, namely whether the makeover of internet singing sensation, Susan Boyle, will help or hinder her burgeoning career.

While the heartland of America and other industrialized countries, along with the majority of third-world nations, feel that the makeover will detract from her homespun charm, cultural centers like Paris, London, Rio de Janeiro and Sarasota are overwhelmingly in favor of her new look.

Said local plastic surgeon, Dr. Billye "Botox" Glamme (glam-MAY), "It's just not right for plain people to get so much attention, let alone ugly ones. Of course, she should have had the makeover. Actually, I think she needs to go further, though--brow lift, eye lift, nose job, lip implants, face lift, neck lift, breast implants, liposuction, buttock augmentation and any other procedure my office performs. She can ask for my volume discount."

Who sings better,

the 'old' Susan Boyle?


or

the 'new' Susan Boyle?

Child Evangelist Cancels Revival in Palmetto; Goes Into Seclusion

The handlers of child prodigy evangelist, Yarnell Waddle, have abruptly canceled their old-fashioned tent revival that had been scheduled for this weekend. A revival spokesman made the announcement to workers erecting the giant tent, which was subsequently re-packed into a waiting semi trailer.

The spokesman then issued the following statement: "The ministry of Rev. Yarnell Waddle will be suspended until further notice. We regret this decision, but trust that Yarnell's followers will continue to keep him and his work in their thoughts, prayers and, most importantly, in their continued flow of checks while he works through his personal demons."

Media outlets indicate that the pint-sized preacher will soon be the focus of a series of investigative reports placing him in the company of a hooker while he was at his latest revival in Okahumpka. Celebrity website, TMZ, has apparently obtained video of Rev. Waddle and the unnamed prostitute, drunkenly cavorting in the kiddie pool at the Okahumpka Holiday Inn.



Little Toddler Preaching at Church - Watch more Funny Videos

Famed televangelist Jimmy Swaggart, himself no stranger to disgrace, has reached out to the youngster. "The kid has a great career ahead of him as an evangelist. It's probably good that he's gotten this out of the way now, before he got too famous. People forget. There's so much of this going on that it hardly makes a difference anymore, not like when Jim Bakker and I got busted. Now, it's like 'so what, who cares?' Swaggart said. "I mean, look at Ted Haggard. He gets busted with meth and a gay prostitute and it's like nothing ever happened. Back in the old days, geez, we would have been crucified for that kind of crap."

Pirate Attack Hero Feted With Parade Down Main Street In Lakewood Ranch, Later Ordered Off Private Property

Local merchant seaman turned hero, 54-year old Ken Quinn of Lakewood Ranch, was honored by the community with a gala parade down Main Street yesterday evening, attracting over 100 supporters and well-wishers. He recounted his harrowing experience on the high seas to friends and family over dinner at MacAllister's Grill at the end of Main Street.

At the end of the evening's festivities, the Quinns--Ken, wife Zoya and their, by now, sleeping 3-year old son, Jason--along with small group of close friends walked back to their cars around 9:30 PM. According to several members of the group, they were confronted by a Lakewood Ranch security guard as they walked on the sidewalk, advised that they were trespassing on private property and ordered to vacate the premises immediately.

When Quinn told the increasingly agitated security guard who he was and why they were there, the unidentified guard reportedly said, "Buddy, I don't care if you're the Pope or even Dick Vitale himself, ain't nobody allowed on Main Street after 9:30. And that includes all of you people. Now, we can do this nicely or I can pepper spray the lot of you and have your asses dragged off to jail. It's up to you."

When the Quinn's dozing toddler suddenly lurched awake, the security guard, surprised by the sudden movement, pulled his can of Mace and let fly, temporarily blinding the Quinns and most of their party. Almost simultaneously, several other security officers, both on foot and in marked vehicles, arrived at the scene and began to handcuff the choking, crying members of the group.

Manatee County deputies were called and took 9 members of the Quinn homecoming dinner party to jail and remanding the 3-year old to juvenile detention. All remain in the Manatee County lockup this morning, pending a bail hearing for trespassing on private property, resisting arrest by uniformed security personnel and littering.

Schroeder-Manatee Ranch vice president, Dan Perka, said, "We were glad to have hosted the Quinn's homecoming celebration, bringing in extra people and the additional business, as well as the favorable press we received as a welcoming destination for family-oriented events, but, when the sidewalks are rolled up at 9:30 at night and the stores are closed, you become common trespassers and will be treated as such."

"Where are those damn Navy SEALs when you need them?" Ken Quinn

Madonna and Angelina Vying To Adopt Captured Somali Pirate, Catfight Looms

Pop star Madonna, recently rebuffed in her bid to adopt a young Malawi boy, is apparently determined to find a replacement and has set her sights upon the captured pirate from Somalia.

Unfortunately for her, film star Angelina Jolie is also seeking to add Abdiwali Abdiqadir Muse to her growing family as well, touching off a bidding war between the two serial adopters.

"That bitch already has six kids and a husband that she treats like a kid," said Madonna, "how many more does she need? I think poor Abdiwali would be so happy with brothers Rocco and David and Lourdes just thinks he's the cutest thing ever."

Upon hearing Madonna's statement, Ms. Jolie reportedly answered, "I can understand her feeling this way. Let's face it, Madonna is yesterday's laundry. Can't keep a husband, can't adopt more kids, can't make a hit record to save her life and, worst of all, the old bag is 50, for God's sake. And, let me tell you, those aren't highway miles, either, if you get my meaning. What's she have left to live for, social security? An appearance on "The Biggest Loser?"

While on his way to arraignment, the young pirate said to reporters, "I am flattered, sir, to even think that such wonderful stars would take an interest in someone such as I. I am also happy to be in America, such a wonderful place it is. And to have a mother like Madonna or Angelina to love me and care for me would be better than taking over many ships with my friends. Especially if the US Navy is going to get involved and shoot my friends."


Why is this man smiling? The prospect of three hots and a cot for the rest of his life seems like heaven compared to living in Somalia. Plus, he's not dead.

SH-T Writes Anti-Violence Op-Ed; Enraged Gun Owners Storm Offices, Shoot Staff, Burn Building, Now Feel Safer

On Sunday, the Trib published this editorial decrying the recent spate of gun violence. As expected, the ever-vigilant 2nd Amendment Militia was able to turn this: "Make it harder for criminals and the mentally ill to acquire guns and ammunition" into this: "The Sarasota Herald-Tribune has joined the Obama administration in the clarion call for gun control...The right to bear arms is an "inalienable right" grated (sic) to us by natural law to protect our life, liberty and property."

If you spend any time at all reading the paper's comment forums, you will recognize this as the handiwork of one Rich Swier, local editor of 'Red County', a blog that is so far to the right, it is bordering on falling off the edge.

In the forums, he is famous (to me, at least) for his assessment of a shooting that occurred in town some months ago. A rabid--oh, sorry, that should be avid--gun-totin' Sarasotan got into an argument with another guy at a local 7-11. First guy pulls a gun, second guy disarms him, first guy pulls ANOTHER gun and kills second guy. Local constabulary does its usual fine job (shooter had been investigated for having an arsenal that was bigger and better than Sheriff's dept. but was given a pass), only to be outdone by the local judicial system, who gave the killer a handful of years in the pokey. After all, the deceased was only some black guy--it's not like he or the family he left behind was somebody worth caring about.

After the verdict, King Richard declared that "The system works!" I guess if your the white guy that was carrying all the hardware, yeah. If your the dead guy or his family, I would think not so much. But if Swier says it, it must be so. And, of course, he couched his argument in the hallowed 2nd Amendment and quotes from our founding fathers, whom he channels regularly in his comments. He must have them on speed dial.

So, what about this 2nd Amendment that these big guns cling to?

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."

OK, I got it. A well-regulated militia shall have the right to bear arms to protect the security of the country, as has been accomplished by America's citizen-soldiers for over 370 years. According to the National Guard's official website: "Following independence, the authors of the Constitution empowered Congress to "provide for organizing, arming, and disciplining the militia." However, recognizing the militia's state role, the Founding Fathers reserved the appointment of officers and training of the militia to the states."


Rich Swier receiving his recent promotion in the 2nd Amendment Militia from 'Windbag' to 'Pompous Ass, j.g.' Congratulations and well done!


Bullet heads would just as soon forget that first part about the 'well-regulated militia' and concentrate on the part about keeping and bearing arms--that's the part that gets their juices flowing. Glocks, AKs, Uzis, .50 cal. water-cooled machine guns--sorry, I think I just peed my pants with excitement.

Then, again, there's this pesky bit from the National Guard website: "In 1903, important national defense legislation increased the role of the National Guard (as the militia was now called) as a Reserve force for the U.S. Army."

WHAT??? You mean the 'well-regulated militia' is the National Guard? You mean that if I don't belong to the Guard I DON'T have the right to keep and bear arms? You say they have armories for that? Well, slap my ass and call me Sam Colt....

Now, granted I'm just some schlub sitting at a computer, so what do I know. I'm not connected to Jefferson and the boys or the Almighty like Rich Swier.

What I do know is that the families of all those people killed by gun violence in the past several weeks or the families of the Columbine victims or the families of the Virginia Tech kids killed last year don't really give two shits about your skewed view of the 2nd Amendment or your pedantic quotes or your catchy slogans about only outlaws owning guns.

Me neither.

Internet Singing Sensation, Susan Boyle, Named As 'Other Woman' In Mel Gibson Divorce

Robyn Gibson, soon to be ex-wife of noted actor, Mel Gibson, has told media outlets that her 28-year marriage is over because of his dalliances with Scottish diva, Susan Boyle. "I was content to let it go, but now that she's going to be a big star---well, that's a bit more than I can bear," said Mrs. Gibson.

Apparently the two met in 1994 when Gibson was filming Braveheart in Scotland. Local shopkeeper, Hawick Dunoon, of West Lothian remembers, "Aye, Susan wa' a wild one then. She an' Mel woold always be a-rompin' in tha heather, sure. Dinna ya wonder where the lass learned to hit tha high notes like that? An' that scene in tha movie where tha boys lift their kilts to th' English? Mel got th' idea from Susan. She wa' always roonin' around liftin' her skirts in front of Mel. Sometimes she'd be waerin' knickers, sometimes she din't. Course, she wa' more of a looker then, too."

Celebrity website TMZ is offering this photo as proof of a relationship between Gibson and Susan Boyle, who can be seen in the third row from the back, holding a big stick and with dirt on her face.