Local Humor Columnist, David Grimes, Makes Triumphant Return to Local Newspaper; Subscriptions Soar, Daily Saved!

The blurb announcing the return of the famed writer, raconteur and local bon vivant had all the hallmarks of a 1950's era comedy film:

Calling all you fans of "high-brow humor by sallow faces," the 'Klass Klown of the Kultural Kapital of Florida', Sarasota's own David Grimes is back and funnier than ever! That's right, get ready to wring out the Depends because that irrepressible, irascible, irreverent and, dare we say, irrefrangible idiot savant of the irritable bowel set has returned to inflame the pages of the Herald-Tribune with non-stop laughs!

In a last-ditch effort to save the newspaper from extinction, publisher Diane McFarlin has resurrected the popular humorist.

Literally.

Grimes, who died in early 1994 under suspicious circumstances--the cause of death is listed only as 'drinking accident'--had continued to appear in the Sarasota Herald-Tribune courtesy of a phalanx of comedy writers hired by the paper to write under his byline, among them Jerry Seinfeld, Richard Pryor, Robin Williams, Marcel Marceau, Larry David, Dave Barry, Buck Henry and Dick Cheney.

The newspaper, not ready to relinquish the cash cow they had in Grimes, had his body cryogenically frozen, in the hope that someday he could be revived and his comic genius again would flourish, much to the delight of the stockholders of the paper. Recent medical advances have now made that far-off concept a current-day reality.

Scientists at the Disney/Williams Center for the Preservation of Life in East Kissimmee, FL, have learned how to 'thaw out,' so to speak, the head of David Grimes, while the rest of his body remains frozen. It is reported that the first words his newly-thawed head spontaneously began to spout out were to ask for a beer, prior to launching into some of his most revered--and most hilarious--punchlines:

• "I guess I should have worn pants!"
• "The cops take you more seriously when you wear pants!"
• "The sign just read shirts and shoes--no mention was made of pants!"

and his trademark line:

• "Glasses? Check. Wallet? Check. Keys? Check. Pants? DAMMIT!!!!!!"

Grimes column is, for now, only appearing in the Sunday edition of the Herald-Tribune, but due to the overwhelming response from his loyal fans, newspaper officials say plans are in the works to, not only have a daily column, but to suspend all hard news reporting altogether, except for the Sunday Michael Saunders section, and have the local paper be 'All David Grimes, all the time.' One local wag pointed out: "considering that, week in and week out, 'there's never been a better time to buy a new home' since the bloodbath of 2006, even as prices continued to plummet, Grimes' humor and the Michael Saunders real estate outlook are both pretty outrageous."

"Pants? DAMMIT!!!"

Welcome back.

"Live, Mr. Grimes----LIVE!!! Speak to me of your pants!!"

Film Icon, Bambi, To Spearhead Charge Against Back-Door Legislation Allowing Guns in National Parks

In response to the recent Credit Card Reform Act allowing concealed weapons to be carried in National Parks (WHAT??), an appeal has been filed in Federal Court to strike down the controversial decision.

Attornies for the anti-gun factions plan on bringing out the big guns to shoot this legislation full of holes, effectively killing it in its tracks. Said one, "We won't stop until this new law is dead and buried. Let this be our warning shot across the bow to the NRA. Our next shot will be right between their eyes."

National Rifle Association Executive Vice-President, Wayne LaPierre, released a statement, effectively telling the opposition to come out shooting. "This new law was passed fair and square, hidden deep in the fine print of a credit card reform bill that no legislator would have dared not to vote for. If those tree-hugging pansies don't like the way real Americans get things done, they can move to Canada."


He continued, "Guns have been part and parcel of our national parks since before they were national parks. If it wasn't for guns, some of our most treasured national parks--Gettysburg, Shiloh, Antietam--wouldn't even be national parks. I would venture to say that even some of the first Americans, other than those heathen redskins, whom we refuse to acknowledge as real Americans, to visit Yosemite and Yellowstone, carried some sort of rudimentary firearm."

Beloved star of children's movies and books, Bambi, is the national spokesdeer for the effort to keep guns out of the nation's parklands. "I know first-hand the evil that guns can cause," she said, referring to the still-unsolved death of her mother, shot and killed by person or persons unknown. "I moved my family into a National Park specifically because we felt safe there. Now that guns are allowed in our forest, I don't know what we'll do or where we'll go."

Bambi spoke at a news conference sponsored by 'Mothers Against Guns,' a grassroots organization hoping to mimic the success of 'Mothers Against Drunk Driving.' When a pundit pointed out that the group's acronym, M.A.G., is predominantly associated with a high velocity handgun ammunition, one unidentified member fired back, "The word 'magnum' is also associated with condoms and champagne. Do you think that makes us fucking drunks?"

No date has been set for the appeals process to begin.

"I believe that's MY picnic table you're sitting at, punk."

Tomorrow's Headlines Today--Sorry, No Lottery Numbers

• Proscenium Developer Portanova, Hammered Over 'Force Majeure' Defense on Loan Default, Now Claims "Dog Ate My Contract"

• Herald-Tribune Publishers Say Reaction To Smaller Size So Successful, They Now Plan To Print Future Editions on 3X5 Cards

• With Python Invasion Looming, Environmentalist Meg Lowman Says County's Only Hope Is "Rampant and Unbridled Development"

• Sarasota History Buffs Win Reprieve For Old Riverview High School, New Building To Be Demolished

• State Dodges Private-Public Beach Controversy, Seizes All Florida Beaches By Eminent Domain, Sells Them To Oil Companies and Tells Landowners and Public To "Fight It Out With Them"

• Sarasota's Katherine Harris Asked To Mediate Text Voting Dispute For 'American Idol,' Praised For Doing "Heck of a Job, Katy" in Resolving 1990 Presidential Election

Supreme Court Nominee, Judge Sonia Sotomayor, Shocks Nation at First Press Conference

President Barack Obama's choice as a replacement for outgoing Supreme Court Justice David Souter is federal appeals judge Sonia Carmella de la Cruz Antonio Santa Maria Augustinia Guadaloupe y Acapulco Chimichanga de la Pollo Sotomayor. If the nomination process for her is anything like her acceptance speech and impromptu news conference, it will be a long road ahead for the first Hispanic to be named to the high court.

Judge Sotomayor opened her remarks with, "When I first got the call, I thought I was being asked to be in a revival of the Supremes singing group. Now that would be cool. But when I found out they just wanted me to be on the Supreme Court, I was a little disappointed but still said OK."

She caused quite a stir when she introduced her family to the media, who were more than willing to pose for the cameras.















The news conference ended when an AP reporter asked Sotomayor about her qualifications to be on the Supreme Court.

Visibly irratated at the question, she literally snarled, "Qualifications? Qualifications?? I don't got to show you no stinkin' qualifications....."

Meg Lowman, Sarasota's Orchid Queen, Reported Missing

The Sarasota County Sheriff's Dept. is asking for the public's help in trying to find noted conservationist, Meg Lowman, after she was reported missing..

'Canopy Meg' as she is known locally, is also known in some circles as 'Meg, Meg, Bo-Beg, Banana-Fana, Fo-Feg, Fee-Fi-Mo-Meg, Meg.'

Detectives found suspicious footprints on the beach near where the dedicated environmentalist's abandoned kayak was found.

Said one ex-Selby Garden employee who asked not to be named, "That Meg really really had a wild streak in her, alright, but I don't blame her. All those days and nights sitting in some jungle somewhere, looking for flowers. It's enough to make anybody a little crazy, I guess."

Detectives in the case have questioned co-workers but have gotten scant leads. Said one, "Ms. Lowman was constantly living life on the edge. There's all kinds of strange creatures living in those jungles. Who's to say Bigfoot or Yeti don't really exist? Who's to say Ms. Lowman didn't find one? Who's to say it didn't follow her home to Sarasota?"

An unidentified relative at the Lowman home, when shown the evidence, said, " After her last trip to the Amazon, I did notice that she was in a much better mood than usual. And judging by the size of those footprints on the beach, I'm not surprised. You know what they say about men with big feet........."

Open Letter To Dr. Beach Re: Your #2 Ranking of Siesta Key Beach

My dear Dr. Stephen Leatherman, aka "Dr. Beach,"

Please be advised that our Siesta Key Public Beach WILL NOT BE AVAILABLE for inclusion in your 2010 so-called 'Top Ten' beach rankings.

Oh, it's not what you think. Actually, we citizens of Sarasota County don't really care if we were rated #2 instead of being in first place because we all know that #1 is where God wants us to be. We can only assume you were either unduly influenced by or are attempting to curry favor with our new president, Barack Obama, as Hawaii is, after all, his home state. (If Rahm Emanuel has kidnapped one of your children and has threatened to eat him or her with fava beans unless a Hawaiian beach was listed as #1, we sincerely hope that he or she has been released uneaten and unharmed.)

No, Doctor, by this time next year, you and the rest of your common-folk cronies won't even be allowed to set foot on Siesta Key PRIVATE Beach. Our beautiful beach is going to become one of the most exclusive spots on earth, more exclusive than St. Tropez or Musha Cay or even Ed Smith Stadium. Our little crescent slice of heaven will be for the private use of the residents of Sarasota County only.

How can we pull this off, you ask?

M-O-N-E-Y!!!!

Once we start drilling for oil 3 miles off our sandy shores, we have been assured by not only oil company executives, but Sarasota's own Rich Swier as well that we will be awash in the stuff. Why, experts predict that we will literally be swimming in petroleum products!

We'll be raking in the profits so fast that no resident of Sarasota County will ever have to work again. We'll all live in mansions, drive Hummers (miles-per-gallon restrictions--HA!) and import workers from surrounding counties WITHOUT OIL WELLS to serve our every whim, while we just sit back and wait for our big, fat weekly check from the oil company.

And did I happen to mention that we'll be saving America from the clutches of those rag-headed foreign oil cartels? Just how important to the country do you think your crappy little list is?

So, Dr. Sand-in-your-shoes, think we'll care if we're ever rated in your bogus 'Top Ten' list again? Well, you can have your people call our people, but our people will have instructions to NEVER call anybody back.

Drill, baby, drill.

Relax, Sierra Club; we can buy more--we're LOADED!

City of Venice Negotiates End To Tense Standoff Between Irate Citizens and Ice Cream Truck Driver

The City Council of Venice has announced that it has successfully brokered a tentative peace treaty between city residents and Mario Stillo, ice cream vendor.

Residents living in this predominantly senior-aged sleepy little seaside village, seething over what they had deemed as a lack of action by their city leaders, had commandeered the ice cream truck, torched it and kidnapped the driver, threatening to behead him if their demands to ban him from their peaceful streets were not met. Hostage negotiating teams from the Sarasota County Sheriff's Dept. were on scene, trying to free Mr. Stillo or, at least, ensure his safety for the time being.

The Venice residents involved in the violence, all of whom are well over 80 years old, have long objected to the presence of the ice cream truck. Said one geriatic guerilla, wearing WWII battle fatigues and an old Gene Autry bandanna over his face, said, "We didn't want this to happen. We warned Stillo to stay out of our town. We don't eat ice cream, we don't have any kids who eat ice cream, we don't want to attract any kids who might eat ice cream and we hate that goddamn music he plays, over and over and over. Even with our hearing aids turned off, once it gets in your head, it just won't stop."

In an emergency meeting of the city council, new guidelines were drawn up and hastily enacted into law to assuage the residents holding Mr. Stillo, who threatened to "descend upon downtown in a stampede of golf carts and late-model Buicks and wreak havoc, the likes of which this town has never seen," according to a written statement from the kidnappers.

The new rules for Mr. Stillo's ice cream truck include:

1. Sales hours to be terminated no later than 7:30 PM. Residents have returned home from the early-bird specials, Wheel of Fortune is over and it is bedtime for all decent folk.
2. Ice cream truck to be painted an approved shade of beige, instead of its current garish Neopolitan red, white and brown, so as to not attract as much attention.
3. Vendor will offer only stewed prunes, stewed tomatoes, stewed green beans, stewed okra and one other 'stewed' weekly special.
4. Ice cream is to be limited to small cones of sugar-free vanilla only.
5. Music played by vendor to be limited to approved playlist consisting only of artists Lawrence Welk (with the exception of polkas, which are deemed to be too 'snappy') and Montovani.
6. Absolutely NO sales to minors under the age of 40, unless accompanied by an 'adult' over 75.

Upon agreeing to the terms, a disheveled and visibly shaken Mario Stillo was taken to Bon Secours Hospital for treatment of his injuries, which did not appear to be life threatening. He had no immediate comment.



Residents of Venice ask, "Would you want this sordid scene to be played out in your neighborhood?"