Obama 'Beer Summit' Causes White House Rift, President's Whereabouts Unknown

President Obama's conciliatory meeting with Harvard professor, Henry Louis Gates, and Cambridge, Mass. policeman, Sgt. James Crowley, to defuse the presumed racially-charged disorderly conduct arrest of Prof. Gates, has taken an ugly turn.

Unnamed sources within the Secret Service indicate that, while the cameras rolled, everything was peaceful and civil between all the parties, with Obama seemingly enjoying his newfound role as mediator. When the reporters left, however, the three men continued to sit at the picnic table, drinking beer and talking amicably.

Around 11:00 PM, the President's youngest daughter, Sasha, stuck her head out the door of the White House and announced to her father, "Momma says it's time for you to tell your friends goodnight and come to bed."

The President sat in stunned silence, while Gates and Crowley howled with laughter. Pres. Obama, looking to recover, asked his daughter to "be a good girl and go get three more beers for daddy and his friends."

Minutes later, the President's oldest daughter, Malia, appeared at the door and said sternly, "Momma says it's time to come inside NOW! You've had enough beer for one night."

Prof. Gates chortled, "Barack, you ain't got a hair on your black ass if you let that woman run you like that." To which, Sgt. Crowley added, "Skip (referring to Prof. Gate's nickname), I think our boy here is whipped. Let's you and me see if we can find a titty bar in this town. Run along now, Barack....."

The President rose unsteadily to his feet and ambled toward the opened door. "MICHELLE!" he bellowed, "I'll be in when I'm damn good 'n ready and, you know what, I ain't ready! Make us some baloney sandwiches and send the girls out with three more beers. 'N make it snappy, woman!"

No sooner had he turned around to look for approval from his two new friends when they heard the deadbolt turn on the door and the outside light clicked off, leaving the three men in the dark.

Outraged, President Obama motioned to his Secret Service detail who had been stationed nearby. "Know what, kick that door down. I want you to kick the door damn down. No, wait, kick the down damn door down." He started to giggle and Prof. Gates fell off the picnic table bench, much to the delight of Sgt. Crowley, who laughed so hard that beer flew out his nose. "No, that ain't it---kick the....kick the damn door down. Yeah, that's it, the damn door down! Now."

The Secret Service agent replied coolly, "No can do, sir."

The President poked a finger in the agent's chest and slurred, "You know who I am? I'm the Precedent of these United Steaks in America. All 57 of 'em. 'N when I say you gotta do something, then ain't you gotta do it?"

To which the agent reiterated his previous response, "No can do, sir. You see sir, if I do something to rile up Renaissance (referring to Mrs. Obama's Secret Service code name), then she tells my wife. It sets a bad precedent, sir. Know that I would take a bullet for you in a heartbeat, sir, but I will not sleep on the couch, cook my own meals or wash my own socks for you, sir, president or no."

President Obama slumped against the wall, turned to his friends and muttered, "Well, ain't that some shit, now?"

"Forget it, B-Dogg. Everything's cool. We better be goin' anyhow," said Prof. Gates. "C'mon, Jimmy, I'll drop you off, man. B-Dogg, yo, we had a blast, dude......"

"Hold it, dudes," said the President. "The B-Man ain't done yet. Let's see what my little furry friend, Bo, has hiding in his crib for his poppa."

Reaching into the Obama family pet's doghouse, the President pulled out three 40 0z. bottles of Colt .45 Malt Liquor in a brown paper bag. "Now THAT'S what I'm talkin' 'bout! Ain't nobody tellin' Barack he can't have no more beer with his boys. We just gettin' started here....."


As Billie Dee Williams says about Colt .45 Malt Liquor, "It works every time......"

Ex-Marine Fights Off Mountain Lion With Chainsaw; Marine Commandant Issues Apology

From the Associated Press


CODY, Wyoming - Wielding his chain saw as a weapon, a former U.S. Marine says he fought off a starving mountain lion that attacked him while he was camping with his wife and two toddlers in northwestern Wyoming.

Dustin Britton, a 32-year-old mechanic and ex-Marine, said he was alone cutting firewood about 100 feet from his campsite in the Shoshone National Forest when he saw the lion staring at him from some bushes.
Britton revved his 18-inch chain saw and tried to back away. But the 100-pound lion followed.

As the animal pounced, Britton raised his saw and met it head-on — a collision he said felt like a grown man running right into him.

"It batted me three or four times with its front paws and as quick as I hit it with that saw it just turned away," he said in a telephone interview with The Associated Press.

Britton later discovered he'd inflicted a gash on the lion's shoulder. He said he was surprised the damage wasn't worse.

"You would think if you hit an animal with a chain saw it would dig right in. I might as well have hit it with a hockey stick," he said.

The wounded animal retreated, leaving Britton with a only small puncture wound on his forearm.


Upon learning of this incident, Commandant of the Marine Corps, General James T. Conroy, issued this statement:

"On behalf of the United States Marines Corps, I apologize for this sad example of what a U. S. Marine should be. We understand that this gentleman is no longer in the Corps, which is fortunate for him. Because if he was, he would be given an immediate dishonorable discharge and drummed out of the service, never to be called a Marine again."

"For if he were a true Marine, he would have given his chainsaw TO the mountain lion and then bit ITS FUCKING HEAD OFF, PISSED DOWN ITS NECK AND HAD IT STUFFED SO HIS KIDS COULD SLEEP WITH IT!!!!"

"To have to resort to the use of any kind of weapon when facing down an emaciated, starving 100-pound weakling of a mountain lion is an embarrassment to the Corps. To try and "back away" from a perceived threat is an embarrassment to the Corps. To say that an encounter with a 100-pound mountain lion felt like "a grown man running right into him" is an embarrassment to the Corps. To say that "it batted me" is an embarrassment to the Corps. To say that you hit a mountain lion with a chain saw and "was surprised the damage wasn't worse" is an embarrassment to the Corps. To say that you "might as well have hit it with a hockey stick" is an embarrassment to the Corps. And to let an enemy retreat while suffering only a "small puncture wound" is A FUCKING EMBARRASSMENT TO THE CORPS!"

"I can assure you that the Marine Corps will be conducting a full and thorough investigation into this incident and if we find that any training he received while enlisted in the Marines contributed to this shameful behavior, that training shall be corrected at once to conform with the Marine code of conduct and better reflect the proud heritage of the United States Marine Corps. Semper Fi, Marines!"

"THIS AIN'T THE FUCKING BOY SCOUTS, YOU PINK PANTY-WEARIN,' MENSTRUAL CRAMP OF A MAGGOT; THIS IS THE FUCKING UNITED STATES MARINE CORPS! SEE IF YOU CAN TRY AND WRAP YOUR PINT-SIZED PEA BRAIN AROUND THAT, MISS MORNING GLORY. HOO-RAH."

Florida Dentist Drops Dental Tools Down Patient's Throat During Procedure, Now Suing For Their Return

Winter Park dentist, Dr. Wesley Meyers, admits dropping an implant screwdriver tool down a patient's gullet during a procedure in 2006, then, a year later, throwing a mini-wrench down the same pipe. The unfortunate patient, 90-year old Charles Gaal, Jr., had what is euphemistically referred to as "successful surgery"--in fact, several "successful surgeries"--to remove the implements in 2007. So successful, in fact, that he died later that year.

Dr. Meyers, found negiligent by a jury of his peers in a state licensing review, was fined a whopping $17,000. Or about six months worth of yacht payments for the good doctor.

Now, the heirs of Mr. Gaal have decided to sue Dr. Meyers for what, observers expect, will be a tad more than $17k.

Dr. Meyers has said that this whole incident is a misunderstanding. He did, in fact, accidently drop the screwdriver down Mr. Gaals throat in 2006. The fumble-fingered dentist told Mr. Gaal that he thought his discomfort from having a screwdriver in his digestive tract would pass. Literally.

After several months of laxatives, extra roughage and a strict regimen of prune juice cocktails, there was no sign that the tool had left the building, so to speak. Gaal returned to confer with the dentist to plot his next 'movement,' in a manner of speaking, when the patient had a shocking request: Leave the implement where it is.

According to Dr. Meyers, Gaal told him that ever since he swallowed the titanium screwdriver, he had been receiving FM radio broadcasts through his pacemaker. He found it entertaining, relaxing and a great way to pick up chicks, which, for an 89-year old man, is no mean feat.

Mr. Gaal, a retired cupcake baker and amateur radio hobbyist, convinced Dr. Meyers to drop another tool down his throat that following year in an effort to receive AM radio transmissions, in addition to FM. Said Dr. Meyers, "He said he was able to tune in different stations by posing his arms in different positions and, though he had been "up and down the dial, couldn't find a dang thing worth listening to."

All he wanted was to be able to pick up AM radio to listen to Rush Limbaugh on the weekdays and Greb Grywyzklywicz' Polka Party Favorites on Saturday evenings, so the doctor complied by sending a mini wrench down the hatch to join the screwdriver.

The combination of the two instruments succeeded in Mr. Gaal being able to tune in his favorite AM programs. Unfortunately, the combination of instuments also succeeded in blocking Mr. Gaal's windpipe, necessitating their removal.

Admitted one relative of Mr. Gaal, "He may not have been able to breathe, but, on his last Saturday night on this earth, I can tell you that he was one happy man listening to those polkas before he slipped away in the operating room."

Dr. Meyers, caught off guard by the relatives' lawsuit against him, has countersued in an attempt to get his instruments back. Ms. Sue Emahl, the attorney representing the dentist, claimed, "Dr. Meyers is only looking for the return of his property--the tools of his trade. He makes no claims on the crowns, fillings and bridgework installed on Mr. Gaal over the years, but feels he is being unfairly restricted from earning a living by the withholding of the instruments in question."

"Through the lips and over the tongue, look out below, here they come....."

Secret Nude Video Of Sexy Sportscastress Reveals More Than Expected

The sports world is reeling today after the secret video of sideline siren, Erin Andrews, was leaked to the press.

The shocking video, purportedly filmed without her consent in an unidentified hotel room by a still unknown person or persons, shows more of the popular ESPN reporter than anyone had imagined. What was first believed to be nothing more than a sophmoric prank to photograph the winsome miss in the buff has turned into a possibly career-ending disaster for the popular former Tampa Bay area resident and University of Florida grad, who was elected "America's Sexiest Sportscaster" two years running by Playboy Magazine.

Apparently, Miss 'Erin' Andrews, shown here......

........is, in reality, Mr. 'Aaron' Andrews, who looks like this:

The purloined pictures show Miss/Mr. Andrews returning to his/her hotel room and undressing prior to getting in the shower. As she slowly peeled off her slinky chiffon off-the-shoulder dress and let it drop tantalizingly to the floor around those well-turned ankles, still wearing those Manolo Blahnik scarlet stillettos, it was obvious that something was amiss/amister.

First, off came the Spanx body-shaping garment, then the make-up, the wig, the 'chicken cutlets' stuffed in her Wonderbra, the corset, the girdle, the control-top pantyhose and, last, but not least, the glass eye. Yes, the glass eye! Imagine how many beer-swilling, pretzel-popping, chip-crunching couch potatoes living in their parents' basement have nodded off to dreamland during a commercial break fantasizing about gazing longingly into those eyes! Not so much of a fantasy now, unless they happen to also have an equal appreciation for Swarovski crystal, too.

Lamented one unidentified major league baseball player after viewing the video, "I can't believe she fooled everyone for so long. Actually, I can't believe she fooled me for so long, considering we dated for several months in 2006. I guess you never know about some people....."

Said CBS sideline reporter and 2001 "America's Sexiest Sportscaster," Jill Arrington, "Frankly, I'm not all that surprised. Don't get me wrong, she--I mean, he--was pretty good, but I always thought that there was something just a little bit off about her. Her mannerisms, her walk, the way she was always adjusting her crotch; I can't really put my finger on it, but something about her--I mean, him--just didn't ring true with me."

"And, believe me, it didn't have a thing to do with her replacing me as "America's Sexiest Sportscaster," that little bitch--I mean, bastard."

Captain Obvious' Tip Of The Day

The Captain says: The next time you, a middle-aged white guy, get robbed by two armed men at 6:30 in the morning while you're trying to score some weed in one of Sarasota's, ummm, more adventurous parts of town, don't yell at them, "YOU DIDN'T GET MY MONEY!!" as you're driving away. At the very least, not until you're safely out of gunshot range.

On second thought, you probably shouldn't say anything to these two guys anyway, considering that they made you take off your shorts at gunpoint before they robbed you. In retrospect, you should consider yourself lucky that all they did was shoot you.....

Pope Benedict Breaks Wrist In Fall, Secretly Receives Bionic Arm in Italian Hospital

Pope Benedict XVI reportedly slipped in his bath and broke his wrist while vacationing in northern Italy.

Like who hasn't used that excuse before, say, for example, after a night of hard partying that got just a tad out of hand and you wake up the next afternoon, not knowing where you are, who all these strange people are you're with and not knowing which hurts more, your head or your wrist, so you go to the emergency room and all they want to know is why you're wearing nothing but women's underwear on your head before they will treat you, like that makes some sort of difference as to how to fix a broken arm, unless it's some sort of regulation, which I doubt, but, then again, I'm no doctor because if I was, I could fix my own arm and not have to stand here in this FREEZING emergency room with everyone staring at me for no good reason. Not that something of that nature ever happened to me, mind you. I'm just sayin'....

The 82-year old Pontiff had minor surgery on his right wrist to repair a slight fracture. The normally right-handed head of the Roman Catholic Church had to remove the large gold Holy Fisherman's ring that is traditionally kissed by the faithful upon meeting him. He is now wearing it on his left hand, adjacent to his Ovaltine Secret Decoder Ring on his left pinkie.

Doctors have assured the Pope that he will be "good as new" following his recuperation and that his piano playing ability will "be unaffected." Pope Benedict lamented, "That's too bad; I play like crap now. I was hoping it would make me better."

Upon hearing this, the doctors quickly ushered the Pontiff back into the operating room, where he was outfitted with a prototype nuclear-powered prosthetic limb.

Said chief surgeons, Drs. Maria Matteo Tettrazini and Marcilio Ariosto Cacciatore, along with chief pasta maker, Ettore Boiardi, better known as 'Chef Boyardee,' "We estimate that this new arm of His Holiness will allow him to bless 27% more people, finish mass 16% faster and write 12% more holy papal edicts. And he'll be able to play the piano like Van Cliburn. Or Jerry Lee Lewis."

Upon leaving the hospital, Pope Benedict XVI shakes the hands of three nurses, one of whom was immediately healed of her migraine headaches, another of her chronic back condition and the third of being horribly flat-chested.

Sarasota Cops Give Man $400 Payoff, Attorney Decries Lack of Client's Constitutional Rights, Legal Ethics, Professionalism, Human Dignity and His Fee

The Herald-Tribune revealed today allegations of a $400 payment being offered to a Sarasota man who was videotaped being beaten by police.

The victim, one Juan Perez, was picked up by Sarasota PD on June 26th on charges of being drunk, disorderly and stupid. Video from a police station camera shows the handcuffed Perez shimmying out an open rear window of a police car and falling face-first (surprise!) onto the pavement. The officer then exited the car and kicked Perez twice when he tried to stand up. Perez fell back to the pavement and the arresting officer stands with his foot on the perp for several minutes, apparently waiting for a doughnut, while other officers come and go. Didn't anybody at the academy ever explain to this cop that these things are best done someplace other than in front of the police station camera?

Sarasota PD, ever vigilant to uphold the rights of the citizens they have sworn to protect and serve, initiated an intensive investigation into the matter.

On July 10th.

Fourteen days after the incident took place.

Only after they found out that the newspaper was getting a copy of the video.

Crack investigators from the city's risk management department met with Perez and an interpreter, as Perez speaks only Spanish. Sarasota PD also assigned veteran officer, Sgt. Ken Castro, to leave no stone unturned and get to the bottom of this potentially-damaging incident.

After an exhaustive investigation that boldly penetrated the notorious veil of secrecy surrounding the thin blue line of law enforcement, it was determined that the Sarasota Police Department would stand up and do the right and noble thing, regardless of the consequences and repercussions. They all agreed that they had taken an oath to uphold the constitution of this great country and, by Joe Friday, that's what had to be done.

So, they offered Perez $400.

In a check.

Signed off on by a risk management employee.

Authorized by his boss, the human resources manager.

Delivered to Perez' house by none other than Sgt. Ken Castro, the erstwhile officer assigned to be investigating the possible impropriety by the police dept.

Who had to drive Perez to the bank to cash the check.

And have him sign the waiver absolving the SPD of any wrongdoing.

Which, I imagine, was written in English.

Tipped off by the Herald Tribune, attorney Jim Delgado and a reporter just happened to be standing in the Perez driveway when the two new BFFs returned from doing their banking. As Perez exited the officer's car, Sgt. Castro advised Perez, in Espanol, that he didn't have to listen to Attorney Delgado, who, it turns out, just happens to speak Espanol. Ouch!

"Are you giving him legal advice not to speak to his attorney? asked Delgado.

To which the ever-professional peace officer replied, "I can do whatever I need to do. I did him a favor."

As he was leaving, Sgt. Castro threw the money envelope out his car window, which struck Delgado. "That's battery," cried Delgado. Who then, we suspect, fell writhing in agony to the ground from the force of the envelope crashing into his body. He later went to the Police Department to try and return the money and complain about Sgt. Castro's reckless actions, probably on crutches and wearing a neck brace.

When contacted by reporters, NOBODY in City Hall knew ANYTHING about this incident, even though it was a City of Sarasota check. (How do you list that on the city's check ledger, by the way? Payoff? Bribe? Hush money? Miscellaneoous? Party favors?)

Go figure.

The Sarasota County Bar Association is filing an unfair labor practice lawsuit on behalf of ambulance-chasing lawyers everywhere against the Sarasota PD. Said one spokeslawyer, "We are confident we can shake down the City of Sarasota for a hell of a lot more than 400 bucks. Why, if we were to sue on Mr. Perez' behalf, a good attorney could probably get $2 million from them. After attorneys fees, court costs, research fees, investigator's fees, bar tabs and copying charges, Mr. Perez would stand to collect around $538, plus or minus a buck or two. Of course, he'd have to pay taxes on that, while his shameful payoff of $400 would be tax-free, but think how many bartenders and cocktail waitresses depend on attorneys' expense checks for their livelihood."

Sarasota taxpayers are going to think that $400 of their money to settle this was a bargain by the time it's all done. Next time, they're hoping cops just shoot the guy--OFF-CAMERA, PLEASE--and be done with it.


Gougem & Gougem, Attorneys At Law.
"We're in this for YOU!
And us.
Mostly us."