Venerable Downtown Sarasota Book Seller Closing, To Be Replaced With Adult Books and Movies

The much beloved and loquaciously-lamented loss of Sarasota News and Books to the harsh realities of capitalism by the local literati is about to take a decidedly devilish turn. Apparently, the prized location on Sarasota's prestigious Main St. is soon going to be home to a new bookstore: Overcoat Ed's Adult Book Emporium.

Longboat Key resident, Edward "Overcoat Ed" Edwards, shown here at a recent black-tie gala at his Gulfside estate, owns a chain of adult book stores in 7 states.
"When I moved into my place out there on Longboat Island," he said, "I figured this town could use an Overcoat Ed's. It is, after all, where Pee-Wee got busted playin' wit' his pee-pee, ain't it? But, then I'm thinkin' that maybe Sarasota's too classy and got too much culture and crap, you know. So's I'm drivin' around and noticed that the book stores like Barnes & Noble and Borders ain't hardly got no cars at them and Sarasota News and Books had nuttin' but snooty broads wearin' their berets, sittin' around sippin' java with their pinkies up in the air. You ain't makin' no money like that!"

"The place wit' the most cars? Wal-Mart, sure; but those XTC Adult Stores were jammed every time I drove by one. I'm figurin', hey, that's right up my friggin' alley, you know?"

"Once they close up shop on Monday and get all those crummy books outta there, I'm gonna have my guys go in there and gut the place so I can put in live-show booths and private movie booths and stuff. My customers don't sit around nursin' a cuppa coffee while they read a 50-cent newspaper for an hour, they're in there plunkin' down dollar after dollar to watch some chick get nekkid or to watch some movie. Any youse college girls out there lookin' for some part-time work, I'm hirin'......"

Said one former bookstore regular, "To employ a literary expression here, we're caught in a real "Catch 22" situation . On one hand, we are appalled that our former bastion of free speech is closing and being replaced by some smarmy, sleazy dirty book store, but, yet, as enlightened liberals, we must not put ourselves in a positon to oppose Mr. Edwards' pursuit of his First Amendment rights to free speech. What to do?"

Another Sarasota News and Books aficionado expressed concern that crime and community degradation would follow. Replied Mr. Edwards, "Hell, yeah, it will. Happens every time I open one of these joints. What's yer friggin' point, ya pin-head?"

Edwards says his new adult book store will make some concessions to the particular demographics of the community, stocking porn with such titles as "Babes in Walker-land," " Support-Hose Vixens," "GGMilfs," "Men With Big Canes," and the wildly popular series, "Grandmas Gone Wild."

"Hey, if this works out, then I'm buyin' the joint next door and puttin' in a shooting range." Edward "Overcoat Ed" Edwards

Scooter Gangs Take Over Englewood To Protest Arrest Of One of Their Own, Gov. Crist Mulls National Guard Intervention

The arrest of notorious scooter gang kingpin, Herb "The Leg Buster" Jean, 80, has sparked an all-out war in the normally sleepy village of Englewood, FL. Jean's arrest for riding his electric scooter on the municipal sidewalks was long overdue, according to some local residents, who did not want to be identified for fear of reprisal by Jean's henchmen.

On Weds., the gang task force of the Englewood Police Dept executed the traffic stop arrest of Jean. Officers from the tactical unit, as well as uniformed patrol officers, participated in the arrest. A police dept. spokescop said, "We knew full well who we were dealing with here. Jean is well-known in law enforcement circles and we weren't about to take any chances with the safety of our personnel. While our tac unit surveiled Mr. Jean, Englewood Police evacuated the neighborhood and laid down a spiked stop strip across the sidewalk on McCall. The Task Force then initiated pursuit of Mr. Jean on his scooter, forcing him onto the spike strip and into the waiting roadblock. It was textbook."

Citing Jean for being in violation of Florida Motor Vehicle Code Statute 316.1995, he was arraigned before a magistrate before being whisked away to jail at an undisclosed location. When news of his arrest was announced, members of his gang assembled at their local hangout, the Englewood Senior Citizens Center, to plot revenge on the town they thought they had under their greasy, lawless thumbs.

Johnny Strabler, Jean's right-hand man and second-in-command of the infamous scooter gang, The Englewood Ass-Kickers Scooter Club, told the amassed gang members, "We ain't about to let Herb rot in some jail somewhere. This town's gonna pay for what they done to Leg Buster!"

Kathie Bleeker, local 76-year old tart who hangs out at Bleeker's Cafe, insists that Herb Jean is not a criminal, he's just misunderstood. "A few years back," she says wistfully, while peering out the window of the cafe, "a rival gang--the Venice Vipers--rolled into town. Herb and his friends stood up to them, telling them that Englewood was their town and that I was his girl and made them skedaddle. Ever since then, I've seen Herbie in a different light, but I knew our love could never be. He'll always be that renegade, that lone wolf, that unbroken stallion....... Well, that, plus he's already married."

This weekend, the sidewalks of Englewood buzzed with the din of nearly a hundred electric scooters, as they careened up and down the ribbons of concrete at speeds up to nearly 4 miles-per-hour, daring the local police force to confront them. Said one terrified resident from behind her closed door, "All that dang humming from those scooters is playing hell with my hearing aids. And the electrical interference makes it so I can hardly see Vanna turn the letters on Wheel of Fortune.

Businesses have reported wholesale vandalism and looting. One of the most troubling reports came from the local Walgreen's where an undetermined amount of Viagra and iron supplements were stolen, along with several cases of Metamucil.

Englewood terrrorized by roving bands of leather-clad, jazzed up hot-head senior citizens, just like these:

FLA Gov. Charlie Crist Scores Political Hat Trick, Picks Hockey Great Mario Lemieux For Vacant Senate Seat

"Now playing in the United States Senate for the State of Florida, number 66, Mariooooo Le-myooooo!!"

Gov. Charlie Crist rocked the political world today by announcing that hockey legend Mario Lemieux would complete the unfinished term of former senator, Mel Martinez. Crist is planning to run for the senate seat in 2010 when it comes up for re-election.

While political wags in Tallahassee had surmised that the governor would choose someone who would have no designs on running against him in 2010, no one could have guessed this choice. Names that were familiar in Florida political circles--Rep. Clay Shaw, Rep. Mike Billarakis, state Rep. Jennifer Carroll, UNF President John Delaney--had all been mentioned for the post, but were apparently disregarded by the governor.

With appointee Lemieux standing at his side, Gov. Crist made this statement regarding the appointment:

"Mario and I have been friends for some time now. He had mentioned to me recently that he had been entertaining the idea of running for political office back in Pittsburgh and I thought this would be a great way for him to get his political feet wet, so to speak. I see him as the perfect fit for this job. He has certainly proved himself to be not only a leader, but a winner, as well."

"He excelled on the ice and off. He's a fighter and a survivor. He put his career on hold to beat cancer and came back to play hockey for several more seasons. He was inducted into the Hall of Fame immediately upon his retirement. He is, literally, "The Great One."

"Florida needs someone in Washington who has the business sense to get this state and this country back on track. When Mario retired from playing, he took over the struggling Pittsburgh Penguin franchise, which had declared bankruptcy in 1998. The Pens, under Mario's leadership, have thrived to become one of the NHL's most solid profitable franchises. And that's what we're looking for him to do for Florida."

Reporters in the audience, desperately trying to process the announcement, asked Lemieux about his plans.

"Well, I intend to approach this new post like I faced all my other challenges," he said. "I won't wait for the easy shot, I'll be down there muckin' and grindin' in the corners, deke the goons, then try to kick the puck out away from the boards for the breakaway and the chance to go coast to coast, looking to bury the bisquit in the basket in either the five hole or the top shelf or maybe even take the wraparound, if it's there."

"And I won't be intimidated by Washington. I've played there lots of times."

When one reporter asked the governor if this wasn't an unusual move, Gov. Crist replied, "Look, if Dan Rooney can be appointed ambassador to Ireland, why can't I appoint Mario to the Senate? And, if you don't like it, maybe you should go out in the hall for a little one-on-one with Mr. Lemieux and drop the mitts."

"I talked to other candidates for the Senate job, but nobody else brought the Stanley Cup to an interview. Do you know how sweet that thing looks on my desk?" Gov. Charlie Crist

Tragedy Strikes Ted Kennedy Motorcade

The motorcade carrying the body of Sen. Ted Kennedy from Hyannis Port to the John F. Kennedy Library in Boston was struck by tragedy today, as it was forced to take a slight detour from its planned route due to unforeseen road construction. As the hearse bearing Sen. Kennedy crossed the old Chappaquiddick Bridge, the driver inexplicably lost control of the vehicle and it plunged into the water below.

The son of the late senator, Patrick Kennedy, who is now a congressman from Rhode Island, was sitting in the passenger seat of the hearse and was able to escape. He was last seen making his way through the marshy area beside the bridge. Officers of the Massachusetts State Highway Patrol shouted for him to stop, but he disappeared into a wooded area.

When asked why no search had been mounted for the younger Kennedy, a Massachusetts state trooper on the scene said, "Oh, he'll show up back home in a couple hours. He's Teddy's kid; like father, like son. We've been down this road before."

The driver of the hearse, unfortunately, could not be rescued in time and drowned, being pronounced dead at the scene. He was identified as one Martin Joseph Kopechne who had just starting driving for O Danny Boy's Limousine Service, the owner of the hearse.

In an incredibly ironic twist of fate, driver Martin Joseph Kopechne and Mary Jo Kopechne, who drowned while a passenger in a car driven by the late Sen. Kennedy that plunged off the exact same bridge nearly forty years earlier to the day, are not related.

While the hearse was being winched out of the water, the rear door popped open and, to the horror of everyone present, Sen. Kennedy's casket floated out and bobbed to the surface. Before anyone could retrieve it, the coffin began its inexorable journey to the sea.

"Just like I said, " intoned the state trooper, "old Teddy's done this before."

Funeral arrangements have been put on hold while the US Coast Guard continues its search for the wayward remains of the late senator.

Locals point to where they last saw the casket of Sen. Kennedy floating toward open water.

Karma Bites Richmond Woman in Ass: "So What," You Ask?

Robin Starr, the CEO of the Richmond Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, was bitten directly on the ass by karma recently. Ms. Starr, champion of animals everywhere, took her beloved 16-year-old, blind and deaf dog, Louie, to work with her the other day, as is often her custom. Only this time, she "forgot" to take Louie actually into work with her, leaving him in her car for four hours, while the temperature in Richmond climbed into the low 90s that day by noon.

When Ms. Starr returned to her politically-correct Volvo station wagon to go for lunch at, undoubtedly, some trendy, upscale bistro that serves only free-range chicken and tofu, she noticed her faithful Louie laying in a pool of drool. She carried limp Louie into the SPCA clinic for treatment, but was referred to another emergency veterinary clinic, where lifeless Louie was pronounced 'well done' and a small plastic burgundy marker was stuck in Louie's hindquarters.

The Richmond Times-Dispatch reported that, at a press conference, Ms. Starr's husband, Ed, did what all good husbands should do--immediately took the blame for the incident. Ms. Starr stood by and let him. "I just forgot . . . and didn’t think about it until I got this frantic phone call from Robin. I knew immediately what I had done," he said.

Attaboy, Ed.

Since coming to the Richmond SPCA, Ms. Starr had been instrumental in the indictments of several local residents who had been charged with cruelty and animal neglect that led to animal deaths.

She is also an outspoken critic of Michael Vick and his role in a Virginia dogfighting ring.

In other news, Ms. Starr, in light of these tragic events, is expected to be offered a starting quarterback position with an, as of yet, unnamed professional football team.

The book on Robin Starr is that she has trouble seeing the field, but scrambles well to buy time for completions; lacks fundamental football skills, but improvises to make things happen; can appear overwhelmed at times on the field, but has great locker room presence; lacks arm strength, but possesses foot speed and agility; is often viewed as short-tempered with teammates, but it is generally considered that her bark is worse than her bite. Should be a great matchup when she plays the Eagles and Michael Vick.

Obama Takes Lead in Death Panels, KILLS Ted Kennedy

Conspiracy theorists, long ridiculed for being nothing more than off-the-wall eccentrics, have finally been vindicated with the revelation that Pres. Barack Obama actually HEADS the death panels, as first revealed to the American public by former Vice-Presidential nominee, former Governor of Alaska, former Mayor of Wasilla, AK, and former Anchorage sportscaster who has become the Mother Superior of The Holy Conservative Empire, Sarah Palin.

It has now been learned that, to his dubious credit, Pres. Barack "The Hit Man" Obama, is no shrinking violet when it comes to pulling the plug on those whom his death panel deems unfit to continue drawing breath.

During his campaign for the presidency, Obama, in an effort to boost his sagging poll numbers, traveled to Hawaii to visit his grandmother, who was, at the time, enjoying unusually robust health for an 86-year old woman. Less than one month after that dark visit, the grandmother, who had continued to go surfing on a regular basis, DIED.

THE DAY BEFORE THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.

Coincidence? Perhaps......

Now, in the middle of the raging health care debate in which the forces of evil have been shouted down by America-loving, God-fearing, right-wing white-haired white people, who just happen to be employed by giant insurance conglomerates, comes the unexpected death of Sen. Ted Kennedy at his home on Cape Cod, JUST DAYS AFTER THE OBAMA FAMILY WENT TO MARTHA'S VINEYARD.

Undocumented, but incredibly reliable sources who have recently been released by their alien abductors and are related to a cousin who swears that they know somebody who was actually there, have indicated that Obama paid an unannounced, top-secret midnight visit to Sen. Kennedy, who had just arrived back home from an invigorating sail around Cape Cod to demonstrate his excellent physical condition. Obama met privately with the senator, telling him, "Ted, we're in trouble on this health care thingy and I need your help. I need you to take one for the team. Can I count on you?"

The senator, ever the unwitting dupe, replied, "Of course. I'll do whatever you want."

Those were the last words spoken by the distinguished gentleman from Massachusetts.

Hours later, the news of Kennedy's death was beamed across America.

In a statement prepared days earlier that was read to the press, the Obama administration praised the late senator, saying, "Sen. Kennedy was a lion in the Senate. He lived to the ripe old age of 77 and had a good, long life. He was a champion for health care reform, which shall now be known as "The Kennedy Bill" because his passing gives us added momentum to pass this legislation. His lengthy service to his country should be his lasting legacy."

"Not to mention that he outlived his brothers, so there's that, too."

"You know, Ted, I'm not liking what I see here on your heart monitor. Let's see if we can't tweak it a little bit for you......"

Court Orders Space Shuttle Launch Delayed Due To Noise Ordinance Complaint; NASA Future In Jeopardy

This morning's 1:10 AM launch of the space shuttle Discovery was postponed hours before liftoff when Titusville magistrate, Nedlow Barnes, informed the space agency that they would be in violation of the city's new noise ordinance and subject to legal action should the shuttle blast off as planned.

The newly-adopted anti-noise legislation was enacted following months of heated lobbying and endless tirades by Mrs. Flemma Chorleywood, a recent transplant from Sarasota, FL. "I moved here to Titusville to get away from all the noise in Sarasota," she explained. "Why, there were some days on Siesta Key where I would sit on my condo balcony and, if the wind was blowing in the right direction and I sat with my back to the west and I muted the volume while I watched "Wheel of Fortune" and my refrigerator wasn't running and my cat wasn't meowing, I could hear music--the devil's music, mind you--coming from those hellish dens of iniquities over in Siesta Village. And this was as late as 7:30 at night!"

"People used to walk up and down the sidewalk in front of my condo, sometimes up until the ungodly hour of 9:30 PM. I heard them talking, I heard their footsteps, I heard them breathing--and I didn't like it. Sometimes, I even heard young children laughing. Even when I had the TV on and couldn't actually hear them, I still knew they were out there, walking, talking......breathing."

Titusville mayor and space tourism booster, Leon "Skipper" Osowaw, was incensed that Mrs. Chorleywood had bullied her way into getting the noise ordinance passed by city council. "Maybe blustering and threatening is the way they do things in Sarasota, but we have a nice little town here and NASA is a big part of our life. Nobody has ever complained before and Mrs. Chorleywood knew full well about the launches before moving here. The condo complex she lives in is called "Blast-Off Acres," for heaven's sake."

When reminded that Titusville has been home to the space program since the 1960's and is a major source of jobs and income for the city, Mrs. Chorleywood replied disdainfully, "Well, that was before I moved here. Now I'll tell you what else I'm going after once NASA is shut down and sent packing--that damn ocean out there. Back in Sarasota, the Gulf was much quieter, hardly any waves. Here, all hours of the night, it's nothing but wave after wave after wave and I'm not going to put up with that sort of noise pollution, either."

"I've been a widow for 36 years and I'll say this about the late Mr. Chorleywood; at least he had the good sense to go quietly...."