Sarasota's Resident Loose Cannon (HA!), Rich Swier, Wants To End Gun Violence By Giving Everybody Guns. No, Really, That's Not A Joke.

Well, the fall shipment of crazy must have arrived in local stores because Sarasota's resident windbag, Rich "If You Don't Agree With Me, I'LL YELL LOUDER!" Swier, has already gotten his quota. And then some.

In a Sarasota Herald-Tribune op-ed piece regarding the recent spate of murders in Newtown, which is the red-headed step-child of the City of Sarasota, the author deduced that "illegal guns, drugs and gang activity seem to play significant roles in much of the violence" and that "to stem the shootings, stem the source: the all-too-easy flow of weapons into the wrong hands." Which to me, sounds like pretty straightforward stuff.

It's your typical S H-T non-controversial (who would argue with ending the near-nightly violence in a neighborhood?) editorial that only expresses some pollyanna banalities. Like "better parenting, better educational achievement, better economic opportunity and a better cultural attitude" would do the trick. Ya think????

But when it comes to non-controversial, feel-good ideas, our man Rich Swier can find a sinister, anti-American conspiracy in the best of them. To wit, his comment regarding the editorial:

"........I just watched a video of black gang members beating each other with 2x4s in Chicago. So what do we do? 2x4s are easy to get and cost nothing, do we outlaw 2x4s? Of course not, the problem is a lack of the rule of law in Newtown, so what else is new. Drugs, single parent homes, and a high rate of HIV/AIDS due to male sex with males makes Newtown a deadly place.

I was at the Bullet hole several months ago and watched a black woman buying a gun to protect herself. What we need to do is arm the citizens of Newtown like we did in Baghdad. That is the solution.

If the police can't handle the violence perhaps an armed citizenry can. That is what the Second Amendment is all about.

I am speechless. Almost.

When 2x4s kill as many people as do guns, then give me a call.

I'm not sure how a high rate of HIV/AIDS factors into people shooting other people, but the guy has a doctorate in something or other, so he must be right. Right?

And, as an aside to all you guys out there traveling through Newtown, apparently it's prudent to never bend over to tie your shoes there.

But perhaps the craziest thing he writes--and he writes some crazy shit--is that the way to curb the gun violence in Newtown is to give everybody there GUNS! Like we did in Baghdad. (We did?) Somehow, I think I'd feel safer walking through Newtown than I would walking through Baghdad, but, hey, that's just me.

His last "thought"--and I'm being generous here--is to pretty much foment vigilantism, calling the police ineffective and deciding that flooding the neighborhood with guns will handle the situation, because "that's what the Second Amendment is all about."

OK, I'm calling "bullshit" on that one.

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Everybody conveniently forgets about the "well-regulated Militia" part and only has the "keep and bear Arms" part tattooed on their hineys. We already have a "well-regulated Militia" called the National Guard. And by "well-regulated," our forefathers were not referencing daily bowel movements.

Now, I wonder what could have gotten Rich Swier so riled up. Maybe he feeling his oats with his recent victory in the battle of "Unconditional Surrender." Maybe he's gearing up for his "Drill, Baby, Drill" off the Florida coast campaign.

Or maybe just hearing about the upcoming release of "Going Rogue" by Sarah Palin got his juices flowing. Yee-haw.

Gator Nation Hails "Miracle Of The Bluegrass," Quarterback Tim Tebow Healed, Returns To Gainesville

University of Florida star quarterback and de facto leader of the cult that is Gator Nation, Tim Tebow, has pulled off yet another upset victory, this time against old Number 666 himself, the Grim Reaper, in what those close to the case can only call a miracle.

Tebow, in the thick of leading his team during a hotly contested game with the University of Kentucky, had his legion of followers on the edges of their collective seats on Saturday night when he crumpled to the turf with an injury and had to be helped off the field.

Earlier in the day, it was reported that Tebow and several other players flew to Kentucky, on a separate plane because of an undisclosed respiratory illness and the fear of exposing the rest of the team to the ailment. Later, following his release from the UK Medical Center, it was learned that Tebow did not have the flu, as was thought earlier, but full-blown tuberculosis and somewhere over GA, he lapsed into a coma and his condition was downgraded to critical.

By the time the plane landed at the Lexington, KY, airport, the acute emergency care team dispatched to rush the young football star to the hospital, found Tebow had regained consciousness and appeared alert, actually editing and correcting the spelling of the game plan given to him by Coach Urban Meyer. He brushed off the UK doctors and said, "Excuse me, folks, I'm here to win a football game for my school and my fans," sprinting off in the direction of UK's Commonwealth Stadium.

As is his custom, Tebow played brilliantly for the first half of the game. Then, with less than four minutes remaining in the third quarter of the game and the Florida eleven leading by a scant 31 to 7 margin, Tebow was dealt a vicious blow by UK defensive end, Taylor Wyndham, who is reported to be on some sort of work release from a Kentucky prison, where he was serving time for murder, assault with a deadly helmet and overdue library fines.

Tebow lay motionless on the field. Trainers, doctors, head trauma specialists and a full ER team huddled around the athlete. While the partisan crowd, clad mostly in UK blue, except for the obligatory fat kids not wearing shirts, softly began to sing "Kumbaya" while they laced arms and slowly swayed back and forth, a priest was solemnly ushered onto the field to administer last rites to the fallen star.

Suddenly, bathed in a piercing beam of light, Tebow sat upright and signalled to the hushed crowd that he was OK with a jaunty 'thumbs up.' He was carried off the field and taken by ambulance to the University of Kentucky Medical Center. Doctors there quickly discounted
Coach Meyers assumption that it was a concussion, stating that when Tebow arrived at the hospital, he was suffering from a broken neck, a collapsed lung, internal bleeding from a ruptured aorta, a size 13 football shoe lodged in his left temporal lobe and a nasty brushburn on his right shin.

The medical staff, sensing the hopelessness of it all, tried to make their young patient comfortable, realizing that his imminent demise was certain and returned to watch the end of the game on the television in the doctor's lounge.

Sometime during the middle of the night, several nurses and staff said they witnessed a shadowy figure enter Tebow's room. When they went to investigate, there was no one there......except for the broken athlete, now bathed in an orange and blue aura, levitating above his hospital bed. Somewhere down the hall, trumpets sounded and Tebow spoke to the assembled staff, "My boys won didn't they? I didn't let my team down, did I?"

Scenes of the supernatural played out all over Gator Nation last night, while the faithful kept vigil for their star quarterback. Uber-fan Chris Seal in South Florida told CNN this morning that she, her husband and 4-year old daughter, all dressed in their matching lucky Gator pajamas, were watching the game when the injury occurred. "Naturally, we were all grief-stricken and in shock, " she related.

"Of course, none of us could sleep that night, waiting for word about Tebow. Sometime around 3:00 AM, our daughter went to the kitchen for a drink. When I went to check on her, I noticed her sitting at the table, tears streaming down her face."

"Oh, honey," I said, "Uncle Timmy will be all better, you'll see. Our daughter calls him 'Uncle Timmy' because we've taught her that we're all one big Gator Nation family."

"I know, Mommy," she replied. "Look, I spilled some orange juice while I was pouring it into my Big-Girl Gator cup and the puddle looks like UNCLE TIMMY. I just know he'll be alright, Mommy........"

News reporters from all major media outlets were streaming to the Seal house today from Pittsburgh, where they had been covering the G-20 summit. Said one hardened beat reporter, "I guess I've seen just about every rotten, disgusting and depraved thing wrong with this crazy world and brought it into America's living room right at dinnertime. And just when I was about to give up hope that there would ever be anything good again to report, this story shows that one little girl's faith in one media-blitzed, over-hyped, bigger-than-life college quarterback can make everything right in the world again, even if just for one night."


The Vatican, originally believing that Michelangelo's hallowed artwork that has adorned the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in Rome for centuries had been somehow vandalized, has now dispatched their Congregation for the Causes of Saints team of investigators to determine if this was, indeed, a miracle, instead of just another college prank.

Atta Boy, Vern.....

According to Sunday's Sarasota Herald-Tribune, Rep. Vern Buchanan, R-Longboat Key, told a crowd of about 300 people at a town hall meeting in Parrish on Sat. morning, "I don't have a lot of confidence in the government. I'm there, I see it every day."

Ummmm, Vern; since you have been duly elected to the House of Representatives by your peers on Longboat Key and the people who wanted to keep their warranty in effect on the new cars that they bought from your Ford dealership, YOU ARE THE GOVERNMENT!!!

But, you're right. We don't have a lot of confidence in the government, either. Or in you, for that matter.

Maybe, even because of you.

Know whut I mean, Vern?

Musicians Hit The Picket Line, Sarasota Orchestra Brings In Scabs, Violence Ensues

An uneasy calm, hanging like pendulous clumps of wet Spanish moss draped in a craggy live oak tree by some lonely country road, devoid of lane markings and an adequate shoulder, hovers over the city of Sarasota this evening, following a chaotic day that began with violins, but ended with violence.

The much beloved Sarasota Orchestra, reeling from the economic downturn, proposed severe cost-cutting measures, including the request to cut the musicians' salaries, which range from $30,000 to $50,000, by 8% and having the wind section purchase their own reeds.

The musicians, who are represented by the American Federation of Musicians Gulf Coast Local 427-721, filed unfair labor practices against the Sarasota Orchestra, charging that they "failed and refused to bargain in good faith."

The Orchestra, caught off guard by this drastic measure, in turn, locked out the musicians and it was on. Charges, counter-charges, off-key verbal stylings and interpretations, insults, both sotto voce and molto forte, and the inevitable spitballs ("We were just emptying out our fluegelhorns....") were hurled to and fro.

Said Chesterfield Castrato, Esq., legal counsel for the Orchestra, "Look, these people work only 34 weeks out of the year and get a full benefit package. Sounds like pretty sweet music to me. It's not like we're asking them to march in parades and do half-time shows. If they don't like our terms, they should try their luck playing for quarters down on Main Street somewhere and see how far they get."

"Since we have obligations to the paying public," he continued, "the Sarasota Orchestra has arranged to hire replacement musicians, who will continue the fine musical tradition of the Orchestra."

Upon learning of this latest development, the musician's union sprang into action. Said union organizer Ostinato "The Leg Breaker" Tessitura, "Who the hell do these guys think they're fooling with here? I done my apprenticeship with the likes of Jimmy Hoffa, Jock Yablonsky and Tony Boyle. What, do they think I just fell off some non-teamster-driven turnip truck? Let's kick some ass!"

This morning, a confrontation erupted in front of the Van Wezel Concert Hall between union goons and non-union goons. The goons representing the Orchestra wielded lead pipes hidden in newspapers, blackjacks and switchblades, waded into the picketing musicians' goons, who were at a decided disadvantage, armed only with clarinets, piccolos and a triangle. The pitched battle raged for nearly an hour, with artist pitted against management and hired thug against hired thug. It was goon against goon.

Order was restored only when conductor Leif Bjaland leaped atop the burned out shell of an overturned SUV, standing alone there in the morning sun as it reflected jauntily off the lavender-hued walls of the Van Wezel, standing ever so majestically, like a matador who stares down danger and death with his steely, flinty gaze, literally compelling the warriors to stop in their tracks. Then, silently, he raised his baton, calling the bloodied factions to attention.

And, with that, the curtain came down on an ugly chapter in the ongoing dissonance between between musicians and the Orchestra. Will there be a repeat performance on the morrow? According to musicians union rep Tessitura, "Hell, yeah, we'll be back. This ain't over by a long shot. And tomorrow, we're bringing the friggin' tubas......"

Replacement musicians, hired by the Sarasota Orchestra, rehearse at a secure, undisclosed location somewhere on Longboat Key. Mrs. Chong's All-Korean Polka Maniacs will kick off the Orchestra's season next Friday evening with a black-tie event.

Paranoia Over Red-Light Cameras Sweep The Suncoast; Figures It Would Take '1984' Twenty-Five Years To Reach Sarasota

Eric Ernst loaded film into the traffic camera debate in an op-ed piece in Wednesday's Sarasota Herald-Tribune. As if there weren't enough logs already on the conspiracy-theory fires, Ernst piled on more by referring to the two of the three things that Sarasotans care about most: their wallets and the perceived erosion of their civil rights. If he would have only found a way to tie in early-bird specials, he would have hit the trifecta.

It's easy to get the rabble-rousers up in arms these days, what with the Tea Parties, fears of forced socialism and Nazis around every corner. The red-light camera debate serves to prey on those who are afraid of having the unseen, unknown powers-that-be infringe on their Constitutional Amendments Four through Six, inclusively.

Even though traffic cameras have been catching red-light runners since the '70s, this is a new concept on the Suncoast. Cameras record citizens every day, from when you make an emergency deposit at the bank to keep that check to the liquor store from bouncing, pick up a Slur-pee at the 7-11, abduct a little girl at the car wash, you unspeakable bastard, cruise the mall in those God-awful shorts that you shouldn't wear anywhere let alone in a public place, pilfer penny candy at Publix, buy wart remover at Walgreen's and lots of other places around town that you probably never even thought of.

But the difference is that our taxes are paying for these intersection cameras, although it's actually you and I that end up paying for all those cameras listed above through higher prices for goods and services anyway. And these traffic cameras will aid law enforcement in catching drivers who zip through red lights like they don't think that particular shade of red is sufficient for them to come to a stop and waste their precious time while others cars get to go.

Contrary to what the right-wing libertarian conspiracy theorists say, the cameras are here to stay. If the city or county makes money off them, well, that's OK, too, if it means that these jamokes running red lights because they were drafting a UPS truck in front of them as a means of conserving fuel and being "green" have to drop a few bucks in the state coffers. Perhaps relieving their wallets of a couple hundred bucks will allow more blood to flow down to their feet so they can step on the brake next time.

And maybe that'll keep you and me from getting T-boned at some intersection someday, too.


Mote Marine admits that "Waldo" was not used to research red tide, it actually took underwater pictures of swimmers to see who was peeing in the Gulf.

Sarasota County Sheriff's Deputy, Fired For Alcoholism, Wants His Old Job Back--ON THE SWAT TEAM!!

Forget doughnuts and cops. In Sarasota County, it's 'rum and cop' or 'Jack and cop' or maybe even a 'shot and a cop.'

Former deputy, Clinton Knowles, has filed a federal lawsuit to recover attorney's fees and, if there's anything left over, for back wages and 'other financial compensation,' which might mean paying $4oo (the going rate for police payouts on the Suncoast) to the two women Knowles grabbed at a North Port Applebee's in Feb., 2008, only ONE DAY after being reinstated to full-duty status.

According to the lawsuit, Knowles was disciplined Oct. 24, 2007, for failing to report to duty and admitted to his bosses that he had such a problem with alcohol "that it affected his ability to do his work and had directly caused his failing to report to two assigned shifts." Now, not showing up for work for a couple days and telling the boss it's because you were shit-faced, usually means you've collected your last check from that place. Well, maybe not if you're a Congressman or a televangelist or something of that ilk. But to us mere mortals, it's the door hitting us on the ass on the way out, for sure.

Even before that, though, the lawsuit states that "he was regarded by his chain of command and colleagues as an alcoholic." You mean everybody knew this guy was a drunk and they still let him serve on THE SWAT TEAM?? Not the softball team, mind you, THE SWAT TEAM; that highly-skilled, highly-trained unit armed with high-power weaponry called in on high pressure situations that regular law enforcement can't handle. And he was high?

So they take this guy out of service for four months, then let him back on THE SWAT TEAM without him ever pursuing any outside intervention. Just because he said he was OK, I guess.

Except that the very next day, he gets lit up, goes to the North Port Applebee's to play grabass with two women, refuses to go to the police station to make a statement and doesn't even remember the incident because: "He had a blackout and has no memory of the incident." You mean that works?

In addition to what the lawyer's fees and whatever piddling amount that's left over for Knowles, his lawsuit states that he wants an order requiring the sheriff to "provide reasonable accommodation to deputy sheriffs suffering from alcoholism."

You mean there's more out there?

Collecting paychecks from the taxpayers?

Driving around on our streets in police cruisers?

Carrying guns?

In Sarasota?


6:00 AM roll call at the Sarasota County Sheriff's Department

Sarasota Is Setting For New TV Show "Cougar Town"--Don't Worry, It's Fiction

Sarasota screenwriter Kevin Biegel is trying to be a one-man stimulus package for the lackadaisical local economy by setting his new show Cougar Town in a fictional city south of Sarasota. Sarasota leaders are ecstatic about the prospects of receiving some free publicity other than the usual scams, shootings and swindles.

Said one county commissioner, "I think this will be big. So big, in fact, that I'm recommending to my fellow commissioners that we buy up a couple hundred acres of land for the future development of a Cougar Town theme park. I envision a Disneyesque setting, only with trendy bars, electric night clubs, elegant ristorantes, eclectic bistros and luxury hotels specializing in steamy trysts."

"Savannah is still making money off Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, New York City has Sex and the City tours; we used to have a Pee-Wee Herman tour here in town, but it kind of fizzled out several years ago."

Not to be outdone, Englewood now wants to be known as Codger Town, Arcadia wants to be called Cooter Town, Bradenton is playing up its new Cooler Town moniker and North Port would like to be called.......well, North Port.

Not everybody is thrilled over the prospect of this image re-invention for Sarasota, though. Briswold Firthminger, local retiree, would rather see things stay just the way they are. "I don't see what the big deal is about Wally Cox representing Sarasota." When corrected, he said, "Oh, Courtney Cox. Well, now, she's a cute little thing, isn't she?"

Also hoping to cash in on the new Cougar Town designation will be Bobby: