Rush Limbaugh was rushed to a hospital following a vicious attack at a Honolulu fruit and vegetable market, where he was shot numerous times at close range by two unknown assailants.
The two gunmen, possibly affiliated with White House enforcer, Rahm Emanuel, are believed to have acted at the behest of President Obama in his well-publicized bid to take over Fox News. Both men were vacationing in Hawaii when the incident occurred.
That evening, when close friend and political ally, Glenn Beck, went to the hospital to visit Limbaugh, he was struck by the singular lack of security at the facility as he walked the dark and deserted halls, finding not even a single guard stationed outside the room of the wounded icon nor any activity of any kind at Hawaii's premier medical complex.
Beck's visit with his unconscious friend was interrupted by a single nurse, who informed him that the police made everyone leave about ten minutes ago, citing too many visitors. Beck asked the nurse to stay while he called Limbaugh's close friend and Republican leader, former Vice-President Dick Cheney.
"Listen, I got here late. There's nobody here. Nobody--no O'Reilly, no Hannity, no detectives, nobody. Rushbo's all alone. Send somebody right away."
Beck then told the nurse to help him relocate Limbaugh's bed to another room.
"You know my friend? Men are coming here to kill him. You understand? Now help me, please."
Just as the two wheeled the bed into another room, Beck heard a door close down the hall and saw an unfamiliar figure holding flowers, apparently looking for a particular room. Beck, wiping tears from his constantly weeping eyes when in the presence of other right-wing conservatives, confronted the figure, "Who are you?"
"I'm Sarah, Sarah Palin. Don't you remember me?" came the answer.
"Ahhh, Sarah. You better get out of here, Sarah; there's gonna be trouble... No, wait. Maybe YOU should stay and I should go if there's gonna be trouble...."
"If there is trouble, I'm stayin' right here to help you, you betcha. For our friend--for our America."
Beck turned to the prone Limbaugh to tell him that he would take care of him, kissed his hand and sobbed loudly. Palin struggled to pull Beck away from Limbaugh's bedside, finally loosening his grasp on Limbaugh's hand, and the two made their way from the room and waited outside at the entrance to the hospital.
Beck turned to Palin and pulled up the genuine baby seal fur collar on her familiar red suit. "Come here. Put your hand in your pocket like you have a gun. You'll be alright, you'll be okay. I don't think I will, though....."
Just then, a black Suburban pulled up to the front of the hospital. The occupants looked at Beck and Palin through the dark, tinted windows, as Beck undid a button of his coat and put his hand inside, as if he had a gun.
The SUV had just begun to pull away when a succession of rapid-fire gunshots rang out. The Suburban veered wildly, careened over a fire hydrant and crashed into several parked cars before bursting into flames. A shaken Beck looked over at Palin in bewilderment, only to discover the former governor holding a smoking TEC-9 mini fully-automatic threaded-muzzle machine pistol with a collapsible polymer stock and 36-round custom magazine.
"Hey, listen, you know what the real difference between a pit bull and a soccer mom is? This little baby," she said quietly, as she calmly returned the weapon to her shoulder holster and patted her lapel, just below her American flag pin.
She then pulled out a pack of Lucky Strikes and lit a cigarette. Turning to the now hysterical Glenn Beck, she asked, "So, was it good for you, too?"
Services for the five tourists riding in the black Surburban, who were while driving home from Harry Hookelau's All-You-Can-Eat Luau when they were killed by Ms. Palin, have not been announced.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
NFL Voids Bucs Win Against Saints, Cites Use of Non-Roster Players
The National Football League, in a highly unusual move, has vacated the Tampa Bay Buccaneers win on Sunday against the New Orleans Saints, due to, according to league officials, the Bucs usage of ineligible players in their lineup. That controversial lineup, the complaint contends, caused the visiting 2-12 Buccaneers to achieve an "illegal, improper and highly improbable" victory over the 13-1 Saints.
In a statement released Monday afternoon, Buccaneer owner, Malcolm Glazer, admitted to replacing his entire player roster with members of the Manatee High School Hurricane football team, who had just recently lost the state title game to Plant City. Glazer indicated that he would have tried to get the Plant City squad to substitute for the Buccaneers, but feared that such an extreme jump in the caliber of play would give away his plan, opting instead for a lesser-quality team that would be just a little better than the professional players.
"To my dismay," the report quotes Glazer, "the Hurricane players competed with a level of intensity and athleticism great enough to defeat the New Orleans Saints. I had hoped only to field a team that would not be embarrass our organization as we were in our previous game with the Saints, which we lost some weeks earlier in Tampa by a score of 38-7."
"I take full responsibility for this act of chicanery. Coach Raheem Morris, as I had expected, was so caught up in the fact that he had a team that was, for a change, competitive with the opposition that he failed to notice different players wearing the familiar jerseys. Our regular players were told that a rare December hurricane had hit New Orleans, forcing the cancellation of Sunday's game. Once again as I had expected, not one of our players questioned that statement".
The plan began to unravel Sunday evening when several of the high school substitutes went missing in New Orleans and were not on the flight home to Tampa, causing their parents to demand to know their whereabouts. Glazer had previously told Manatee parents that he was treating the boys to an all-expense paid trip to watch the Bucs play in the Big Easy as a reward for their stellar season this year, but had to own up to the true details when it was learned that the missing boys had been arrested by New Orleans authorities for causing a disturbance at a strip club in the French Quarter.
The boys have since been bailed out and have returned to Bradenton where they are in the custody of their parents.
Parents of some of the Manatee footballers have been trying to learn what kind of financial remuneration, if any, their sons received for the stunt and have contacted the NCAA to determine if being paid to play football would jeopardize their eligibility to play college ball. NCAA officials were quoted as saying, "We're not sure we understand the question...."
"You guys want to go check out some boobies on Bourbon Street when we're done here today?"
In a statement released Monday afternoon, Buccaneer owner, Malcolm Glazer, admitted to replacing his entire player roster with members of the Manatee High School Hurricane football team, who had just recently lost the state title game to Plant City. Glazer indicated that he would have tried to get the Plant City squad to substitute for the Buccaneers, but feared that such an extreme jump in the caliber of play would give away his plan, opting instead for a lesser-quality team that would be just a little better than the professional players.
"To my dismay," the report quotes Glazer, "the Hurricane players competed with a level of intensity and athleticism great enough to defeat the New Orleans Saints. I had hoped only to field a team that would not be embarrass our organization as we were in our previous game with the Saints, which we lost some weeks earlier in Tampa by a score of 38-7."
"I take full responsibility for this act of chicanery. Coach Raheem Morris, as I had expected, was so caught up in the fact that he had a team that was, for a change, competitive with the opposition that he failed to notice different players wearing the familiar jerseys. Our regular players were told that a rare December hurricane had hit New Orleans, forcing the cancellation of Sunday's game. Once again as I had expected, not one of our players questioned that statement".
The plan began to unravel Sunday evening when several of the high school substitutes went missing in New Orleans and were not on the flight home to Tampa, causing their parents to demand to know their whereabouts. Glazer had previously told Manatee parents that he was treating the boys to an all-expense paid trip to watch the Bucs play in the Big Easy as a reward for their stellar season this year, but had to own up to the true details when it was learned that the missing boys had been arrested by New Orleans authorities for causing a disturbance at a strip club in the French Quarter.
The boys have since been bailed out and have returned to Bradenton where they are in the custody of their parents.
Parents of some of the Manatee footballers have been trying to learn what kind of financial remuneration, if any, their sons received for the stunt and have contacted the NCAA to determine if being paid to play football would jeopardize their eligibility to play college ball. NCAA officials were quoted as saying, "We're not sure we understand the question...."
"You guys want to go check out some boobies on Bourbon Street when we're done here today?"
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Rumors Of Infidelity Swirl Around Urban Meyer's Sudden Departure From Gators
Sources in Gainesville report that there is hushed innuendo regarding Urban Meyer's sudden departure as head coach of the University of Florida football program that involves his 23-year marriage to wife, Shelly. Gator insiders have long hinted at, what some term, an "inordinately close relationship with his star quarterbacks" that have, at times, put the 45-year old football icon at odds with his wife.
In 2004, after taking the University of Utah to an unprecedented 12-0 record, including a Fiesta Bowl win, Meyer chose to leave a football program he had built into a powerhouse at the same time his star quarterback at the school, Alex Smith, graduated and went on to become the NFL's first round draft pick overall. Meyer was emotionally devastated when Smith graduated and turned pro.
Allegations that Meyer and Smith were more than coach and player abounded at the primarily Mormon university and Meyer was asked to step down when it was learned that Meyers was stalking Smith to the point of calling the front office of the San Francisco 49ers, Smith's new team, and telling them he wanted a job--any job--with the team, just to be close to his former quarterback. Said one school administrator, "Being Mormon, we wouldn't have cared if Urban would have been chasing some coed around, wanting to be married to more than one wife, but we put our foot down when it comes to requiring that the wives all have to be female. And they should be, at least, 12-years old. We do have our standards, after all."
Meyer, apparently spurned by Smith and the 49ers, accepted the head coaching position at Florida the next year, essentially, to be "as far away as humanly possible from San Francisco and that man, Smith, and not having to coach, like, the Newfoundland Flounders in the Canadian Football League."
In 2006, he struck up a friendship with a reserve freshman quarterback named Tim Tebow, who became the starter the following season, eventually winning, not only the Heisman Trophy that year, but the heart of his coach, as well. By all accounts, the attraction was mutual.
The strain on Meyer's marriage was palpable and it was believed that wife, Shelly, stayed with Urban just for the sake of Gator Nation, hoping that life would get back to normal when Tebow graduated in 2009.
Then, during the SEC title game in Atlanta, the tension of Tebow's imminent departure from Meyer's life came to a head, so much so that Tebow left the field of play in tears and Meyer was so overwhelmed that he checked himself into a hospital.
Then, right before Christmas, Shelly Meyer supposedly found a locket that her husband intended to give Tebow, with the inscription:
.... whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried....
"Timmy, I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly."
In 2004, after taking the University of Utah to an unprecedented 12-0 record, including a Fiesta Bowl win, Meyer chose to leave a football program he had built into a powerhouse at the same time his star quarterback at the school, Alex Smith, graduated and went on to become the NFL's first round draft pick overall. Meyer was emotionally devastated when Smith graduated and turned pro.
Allegations that Meyer and Smith were more than coach and player abounded at the primarily Mormon university and Meyer was asked to step down when it was learned that Meyers was stalking Smith to the point of calling the front office of the San Francisco 49ers, Smith's new team, and telling them he wanted a job--any job--with the team, just to be close to his former quarterback. Said one school administrator, "Being Mormon, we wouldn't have cared if Urban would have been chasing some coed around, wanting to be married to more than one wife, but we put our foot down when it comes to requiring that the wives all have to be female. And they should be, at least, 12-years old. We do have our standards, after all."
Meyer, apparently spurned by Smith and the 49ers, accepted the head coaching position at Florida the next year, essentially, to be "as far away as humanly possible from San Francisco and that man, Smith, and not having to coach, like, the Newfoundland Flounders in the Canadian Football League."
In 2006, he struck up a friendship with a reserve freshman quarterback named Tim Tebow, who became the starter the following season, eventually winning, not only the Heisman Trophy that year, but the heart of his coach, as well. By all accounts, the attraction was mutual.
The strain on Meyer's marriage was palpable and it was believed that wife, Shelly, stayed with Urban just for the sake of Gator Nation, hoping that life would get back to normal when Tebow graduated in 2009.
Then, during the SEC title game in Atlanta, the tension of Tebow's imminent departure from Meyer's life came to a head, so much so that Tebow left the field of play in tears and Meyer was so overwhelmed that he checked himself into a hospital.
Then, right before Christmas, Shelly Meyer supposedly found a locket that her husband intended to give Tebow, with the inscription:
.... whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried....
Unconfirmed reports from unsubstantiated sources indicate that Urban Meyer was chased from his Gainesville home in the wee hours of the morning by his incensed wife, who was wielding a 7-iron in a menacing manner. (Mrs. Meyer had, some time ago, recorded a public service announcement promoting marriage in Orlando with Elin Woods.) University officials believe that it was this incident that prompted Meyer to claim that he was stepping down as head coach due to "health reasons."
To add to his health woes, Meyer has apparently just suffered an acute attack of Brett Favre Syndrome and has announced his 'unretirement.' He is unsure when he will return to active coaching, as he has informed aides that he will be taking some time off to hike the Appalachian Trail. In Argentina.
While all of Gator Nation holds its collective breath to see what Meyer's next move will be, UF admits to offering a 10-year long-term contract package to Joe Paterno, head coach of the Penn State Nittany Lions. The 83-year old coaching legend has reportedly turned down the offer saying, "Youse guys should probably get somebody younger, like Bobby Bowden. He's unemployed and he's only 80. I've probably only got another 7-8 good years left in me to coach at this level. Urban's right; coaching is a high stress job. Although, ha, to be 'burned out' at 45 does seem--I don't know--kinda wussy to me. I mean, he hasn't even broken a hip yet, has he?"
"Timmy, I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly."
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Vatican Reviews Tape From Christmas Eve Mass, Rules That Tackler Was Out Of Bounds During Play
The Holy See announced earlier today in Rome that the controversial play during the opening kickoff of Christmas Eve Mass was, indeed, an illegal play and the ruling made on the floor of St. Catherine's will stand as originally called.
The play unfolded with Pope Benedict XVI following his blockers down the aisle on the opening drive of the mass. Suddenly bumrushed by a defender angling in from the sidelines, the Holy Father, criticized by some as having lost a step or two in recent years, was unable to sidestep from one of his own blockers being pushed into him by the would-be tackler and went down after only a short gain.
Referees immediately ruled that the tackler had been out of bounds prior to making the hit and was, therefore, ineligible to return to the field of play for the remainder of the down. The opposing team, Crazy Heathens With Psychological Problems, argued that the red-shirted freshman, Susanna Maiolo, was not out of bounds and did, in fact, make a legal tackle.
The partisan crowd stood shocked as the Pontiff was slow in getting up, as he seemed to go down awkwardly on his wrist that had been broken in the off-season. Replays on the Jumbotron suspended from the vaulted ceiling of the venerable centuries-old facility showed Benedict XVI trying to spin out of the grasp of the tackler, but unable to break free and going down.
Following a brief review from the booth confirming the initial ruling of an illegal tackle, the raucous crowd roared their approval when the Benedict-led home team was awarded an advance of additional 15 pews.
The delay seemed to be all the Pope needed to shake off the hit and, when Mass resumed, Benedict XVI, as he has done so many times since taking over this team, marched all the way down the aisle for the score, essentially changing the momentum of the evening and deflating any hopes for an upset.
In a post-Mass interview, the Pope labeled this as a team victory that he was happy to have played a part in, saying, "Coming on this day, in our home church, before a big crowd like this, it was a special Mass, that's for sure. The intensity of the hitting out there tonight reminded me of when we used to play the Lions in the old Coliseum."
The fan favorite, affectionately known as Benedictus Magnus (Big Ben) was then ushered into the Vatican's state-of-the-art training facility for treatment of his bruised arm, but not before flashing that famous smile, giving the thumbs up to the cameras and making the sign of the cross.
The Vatican team, however, did lose veteran nose tackle, Roger Etchegaray, on the play, who went down with a hip injury and will out for the remainder of the season. League officials have been under fire lately to tone down the physicality of the game, citing recent numerous injuries. The Vatican next plays the Parliamente d'Italia one week from today; a team, whose starting signal caller, Silvio Berlusconi, remains doubtful for the contest after suffering a possible concussion earlier this month from a hit to the face, ironically enough, from another player with the Crazy Heathens With Psychological Problems.
The play unfolded with Pope Benedict XVI following his blockers down the aisle on the opening drive of the mass. Suddenly bumrushed by a defender angling in from the sidelines, the Holy Father, criticized by some as having lost a step or two in recent years, was unable to sidestep from one of his own blockers being pushed into him by the would-be tackler and went down after only a short gain.
Referees immediately ruled that the tackler had been out of bounds prior to making the hit and was, therefore, ineligible to return to the field of play for the remainder of the down. The opposing team, Crazy Heathens With Psychological Problems, argued that the red-shirted freshman, Susanna Maiolo, was not out of bounds and did, in fact, make a legal tackle.
The partisan crowd stood shocked as the Pontiff was slow in getting up, as he seemed to go down awkwardly on his wrist that had been broken in the off-season. Replays on the Jumbotron suspended from the vaulted ceiling of the venerable centuries-old facility showed Benedict XVI trying to spin out of the grasp of the tackler, but unable to break free and going down.
Following a brief review from the booth confirming the initial ruling of an illegal tackle, the raucous crowd roared their approval when the Benedict-led home team was awarded an advance of additional 15 pews.
The delay seemed to be all the Pope needed to shake off the hit and, when Mass resumed, Benedict XVI, as he has done so many times since taking over this team, marched all the way down the aisle for the score, essentially changing the momentum of the evening and deflating any hopes for an upset.
In a post-Mass interview, the Pope labeled this as a team victory that he was happy to have played a part in, saying, "Coming on this day, in our home church, before a big crowd like this, it was a special Mass, that's for sure. The intensity of the hitting out there tonight reminded me of when we used to play the Lions in the old Coliseum."
The fan favorite, affectionately known as Benedictus Magnus (Big Ben) was then ushered into the Vatican's state-of-the-art training facility for treatment of his bruised arm, but not before flashing that famous smile, giving the thumbs up to the cameras and making the sign of the cross.
The Vatican team, however, did lose veteran nose tackle, Roger Etchegaray, on the play, who went down with a hip injury and will out for the remainder of the season. League officials have been under fire lately to tone down the physicality of the game, citing recent numerous injuries. The Vatican next plays the Parliamente d'Italia one week from today; a team, whose starting signal caller, Silvio Berlusconi, remains doubtful for the contest after suffering a possible concussion earlier this month from a hit to the face, ironically enough, from another player with the Crazy Heathens With Psychological Problems.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Holiday Wishes To Sarasota's Tea Party From The Rest Of The World
Dear Right-Wing Reactionary Sarasota Tea Partier,
Thanks for helping to make this past year such a success by continuing to be so loony. May the coming New Year be as much fun as 2009 was. For us, at least......
Merry Xmas to you!
FOTB (Friends of The Boss)
Thanks for helping to make this past year such a success by continuing to be so loony. May the coming New Year be as much fun as 2009 was. For us, at least......
Merry Xmas to you!
FOTB (Friends of The Boss)
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Christmas Greetings To All Our Friends In Sarasota
To all our dear, dear friends in Sarasota:
Thanks for all the golden rings; you have the found the true meaning of Christmas giving.
We are absolutely positive that the coming year is going to be HUGE! And we don't want any of our close friends in Sarasota to be left out of this sure-fire opportunity to make serious money.
Guaranteeing you big returns in '10,
Art, Marian, John, Neil & Beau
PS. Don't forget to put it on "full screen."
Thanks for all the golden rings; you have the found the true meaning of Christmas giving.
We are absolutely positive that the coming year is going to be HUGE! And we don't want any of our close friends in Sarasota to be left out of this sure-fire opportunity to make serious money.
Guaranteeing you big returns in '10,
Art, Marian, John, Neil & Beau
PS. Don't forget to put it on "full screen."
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Sarasota County Slaps Neighborhood Santa With Cease and Desist Order
For over a decade, Mr. and Mrs. Ray Sevigny have played Santa and Mrs. Claus to the delight of the Bunyan Street children, dressing up as the famous Yuletide figures and holding court in their decoration-festooned front yard. Every night, the lights come on and the couple sit in Ray's homemade sleigh and wave to passersby and talk to enthralled children.
Or, they used to.
This year will be the last hurrah for the Sevignys, as they are ending their run on Dec. 23rd. "Just like everything else--too much politics," explained Ray. "I got notices from the county about having no permits, about traffic issues, about code violations, about noise issues. I even got a notice from animal services about keeping reindeer without a permit. They're plywood, for crying out loud! I'm a 75-year old retiree. I can't afford a lawyer and I can't afford the fines they threaten me with, so the hell with it."
In years past, Ray said he would get letters from some area churches complaining that he was missing the true meaning of Christmas, as well as letters from the ACLU threatening legal action because some of his yard decorations were Christian.
Teachers complained that he was perpetuating the myth of Santa Claus instead of true meaning of the holiday--supply-side economics.
Ray's wife reminded him about the time a group of pagan Druids showed up and demanded equal time in his front yard for their winter solstice celebration. "I tried to be open-minded," said Ray, "but I threw them out when they built the bonfire, took off their clothes and were just about to do who-knows-what to that poor goat they had tied up."
"Oh, I've had shouting matches with Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Taoists, Jehovah's Witnesses, Seventh-Day Adventists, Unitarians, all of 'em. The worst, by far, are those Mennonites and Amish from over on Bahia Vista. They just ride back and forth, back and forth on those damn tricycles, not saying anything. Just watching. Staring. Like they're looking right through you. It gives me and the missus the willies."
Or, they used to.
This year will be the last hurrah for the Sevignys, as they are ending their run on Dec. 23rd. "Just like everything else--too much politics," explained Ray. "I got notices from the county about having no permits, about traffic issues, about code violations, about noise issues. I even got a notice from animal services about keeping reindeer without a permit. They're plywood, for crying out loud! I'm a 75-year old retiree. I can't afford a lawyer and I can't afford the fines they threaten me with, so the hell with it."
In years past, Ray said he would get letters from some area churches complaining that he was missing the true meaning of Christmas, as well as letters from the ACLU threatening legal action because some of his yard decorations were Christian.
Teachers complained that he was perpetuating the myth of Santa Claus instead of true meaning of the holiday--supply-side economics.
Ray's wife reminded him about the time a group of pagan Druids showed up and demanded equal time in his front yard for their winter solstice celebration. "I tried to be open-minded," said Ray, "but I threw them out when they built the bonfire, took off their clothes and were just about to do who-knows-what to that poor goat they had tied up."
"Oh, I've had shouting matches with Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Taoists, Jehovah's Witnesses, Seventh-Day Adventists, Unitarians, all of 'em. The worst, by far, are those Mennonites and Amish from over on Bahia Vista. They just ride back and forth, back and forth on those damn tricycles, not saying anything. Just watching. Staring. Like they're looking right through you. It gives me and the missus the willies."
Sevigny has had run-ins with Sarasotans of French descent because he should have looked more like Pere Noel, Brits who wanted Father Christmas, Russians wanted Grandfather Frost, Italians wanted Babbo Natale, and Tea Party Conservatives who wanted Glenn Beck.
He's also been the recipient of a nasty campaign by Sarasota's Public Arts Council, who called their Christmas display "tacky, tasteless to the point of being revolting and an affront to art lovers everywhere." Arts maven, Virginia Hoffman, suggested that Sevigny take his "wretched bit of vulgarity and set it up next to that hideous statue of the nurse and sailor, so we could, at least, keep all the crap together."
The two area malls have sent letters in years past threatening legal action over taking business away from their "official" Santas. "Hell, I never even knew there was such as thing as 'official' Santas until some big guys showed up here one December telling me that I had to join the union--the Amalgamated Federation of the Brotherhood of Santas --if I wanted to keep doing this," said Ray.
"Fredd Atkins led a protest march one year because we didn't have anything about Kwanzaa and we don't have any black people in our sleigh. It seats TWO--me and my wife. The tree-huggers were here because they objected to us putting lights on our pine trees; they said it was 'demeaning' to the trees. Other environmentalists complained that we made too big of a carbon footprint, created too much greenhouse gasses and used too much electricity."
"Florida Power & Light, on the other hand, has sent us a nice Christmas card every year since we've been doing this."
Sevigny says he's selling all his yard decorations, lights and even his plywood sleigh to Langdon Wishek, the creepy loner who lives by himself in the spooky old house the end of the street, who vows to keep up the neighborhood tradition.
"Wait'll they get a load of the new Santa......"
He's also been the recipient of a nasty campaign by Sarasota's Public Arts Council, who called their Christmas display "tacky, tasteless to the point of being revolting and an affront to art lovers everywhere." Arts maven, Virginia Hoffman, suggested that Sevigny take his "wretched bit of vulgarity and set it up next to that hideous statue of the nurse and sailor, so we could, at least, keep all the crap together."
The two area malls have sent letters in years past threatening legal action over taking business away from their "official" Santas. "Hell, I never even knew there was such as thing as 'official' Santas until some big guys showed up here one December telling me that I had to join the union--the Amalgamated Federation of the Brotherhood of Santas --if I wanted to keep doing this," said Ray.
"Fredd Atkins led a protest march one year because we didn't have anything about Kwanzaa and we don't have any black people in our sleigh. It seats TWO--me and my wife. The tree-huggers were here because they objected to us putting lights on our pine trees; they said it was 'demeaning' to the trees. Other environmentalists complained that we made too big of a carbon footprint, created too much greenhouse gasses and used too much electricity."
"Florida Power & Light, on the other hand, has sent us a nice Christmas card every year since we've been doing this."
Sevigny says he's selling all his yard decorations, lights and even his plywood sleigh to Langdon Wishek, the creepy loner who lives by himself in the spooky old house the end of the street, who vows to keep up the neighborhood tradition.
"Wait'll they get a load of the new Santa......"
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