Alleged Murderer, Prof. Amy Bishop, Makes Calls On Behalf Of Sarasota County's Proposed 1-Mill School Tax

Sarasota County residents are receiving unsolicited recorded telephone messages from accused murderer, Amy Bishop, urging support of the School Board’s extension of the 1-mill tax to benefit public education in the county. While some residents have expressed outrage and disbelief at having a woman charged with killing three colleagues and wounding three more acting as a spokesperson for the school district, School Superintendent Lori White replied that Dr. Bishop is an appropriate choice.

“First of all,” said Ms. White, “she’s a doctor, OK? I mean, like, how many of you are doctors? She went to Harvard. So, how many of you brainstorms ever went to Harvard? Like, you probably don’t even know where Harvard is. Secondly, she is a educator, respected by her peers for her commitment to higher learning, as well as for her marksmanship. Lastly, she is the mother of four children, so she knows what’s best for kids. And, fifthly, she was the biggest celebrity we could get for the piddling amount of money left in our advertising budget after we made all those political contributions. Paris Hilton, our first choice, wanted triple what we had to pay Dr. Bishop.”

Residents complain that they have received the ‘robocall’ up to 10 or 11 times a day for the past week. One anonymous county resident reported, “It’s one thing to get this call day in and day out several times a day, but when your phone rings at 2:30 in the morning and you hear this deranged woman’s voice telling you to vote for the tax or you’ll be sorry, it’s a little disconcerting, to say the least.”

The text of the call is another point of contention for some:

“Hello, this is Dr. Amy Bishop, formerly of the University of Alabama at Huntsville biology department and now Inmate #5595136 of the Huntsville Correctional Facility, awaiting trial on a trumped-up, completely erroneous charge of multiple homicides, of which I am completely confident of being exonerated.”

“As a Harvard-educated neurobiologist, I am living proof of how far you can go in life with the proper education and friends in the local police department. My late brother didn’t think school was important, but I showed him that he was wrong. Dead wrong.”

“As a dedicated professional educator, I can’t stress enough how much your vote on the upcoming 1-mill tax extension means to the young impressionable children of Sarasota County. Your tax money will fund pizza parties, giveaways and limo rides for so many deserving children. Smart children, who deserve to be rewarded, not like the little slugs who just go along, coasting through school. They deserve NOTHING! YOU HEAR ME, NOTHING! They will never go to Harvard. They will never be neurobiologists. They will never be doctors. They'll just grow up to be naysayers and backstabbers who would deny their brilliant colleague tenure because they're jealous of how smart she is. So, she'll just have to show them, that's all. She'll have to show them how evil they were to deny her tenure, to deny her the career she so richly deserves. She'll have to show those catty bitches once and for all.........”

"But, I digress."

“I urge you to please vote ‘yes’ on the school tax extension. No, in fact, I demand that you vote ‘yes.’ Don’t make me come to Sarasota to make you pay for not voting ‘yes.’ I know where you live…..”


"It's for the children, dammit."

Accused Killer Whale Under Suicide Watch In SeaWorld Lockdown

Just a day after going on a murderous rampage, popular SeaWorld entertainer, Tillikum, the Killer Whale, remains in police custody, refusing to talk to authorities about the incident. Orange County authorities report that the attack on a trainer appears to be a isolated assault and not part of a larger plot of imprisoned ocean-going mammals revolting against their human captors, as claimed earlier by Fox News.

Marine experts remain baffled by the sudden and unprovoked assault on the trainer. Detectives, however, are piecing together the killer's sordid past and are shocked to discover his extensive rap sheet:

• April, 1985: A young orca whale sticks up a bait shop on a dare near Seattle, WA, tail-whipping the owner and two employees, one critically, in the process. He was later arrested in Puget Sound after being identified by distinctive gang tattoos on his dorsal fin. He is charged with assault, robbery and attempted manslaughter. Mother claimed that he'd been swimming with the wrong pod lately, that he's really just a nice, quiet killer whale. Sentenced to 8-10 years, lawyer pleads term down to 2 1/2 years since he is a first-time juvenile offender.




• October, 1990: The orca's probation officer helps him secure a job with Sealand of the Pacific, where he takes on the stage name of "Orville, the Orca" and begins his show business career. He seems to be a natural and is soon the headliner at the now defunct marine park.




• June, 1991: In a fit of rage, Orville drags trainer Keltie Byrne underwater to her death in front of a crowd of spectators. The two were said to have been inseparable since Orville's earliest days at the park and their friendship had blossomed into romance. In recent days, however, Orville had become increasingly agitated, accusing Byrne of seeing other mammals, sparking the attack. Awaiting trial, Orville jumps bail and flees the country.




• December, 1995: While living off the coast of Florida under an assumed name, Orville, now broke, homeless and surviving off the handouts from local fishing charters for turning a few tricks, wangled an interview with SeaWorld in Orlando under the alias of "Raoul." He is hired for a supporting role in the show, but quickly rises, once again, to the role of headliner. He is known throughout the SeaWorld Park system as a lothario and goes on to father 13 offspring. Renamed "Tilikum" by a SeaWorld publicist.




• May, 1999: After a night of drinking and inhaling sardines, park workers the next morning find the lifeless, naked body of one Daniel Dukes sprawled across the back of Tilikum. Rumors of homosexuality send the orca into despair and deep depression, which he combats with excessive amounts of prescription drugs, eventually becoming addicted to the medications. He would spend the next two years trying to shake the demon of drugs, suffering frequent relapses along the way, eventually becoming clean and sober with the help of the park's medical staff.




• The 2000s: Tilikum enjoys several years of relative peace and prosperity at the Orlando theme park, relishing his role as stunt double for various Shamu whales at the park and continuing to sire calves with prodigious regularity in his role as the "Stud of SeaWorld." "Having a whale of a time--ha ha," he would write to his mother.




• February, 2010: Tilikum now swims accused in the drowning death of trainer, Dawn Brancheau.
  

Characterized as a 'loner' by dolphins in a neighboring tank at SeaWorld, most were baffled by Tilikum's sudden violent outburst. "He seemed quiet," said one anonymous dolphin, "except during mating season. Then he'd swim around like he was God's gift to whales. Thought he was a regular sperm whale. There were nights when none of us got any sleep for all the carrying on next door, but we dolphins were always up for the next day's shows, you know. We're professionals, not like those publicity-grabbing whales. If one of us was charged with a crime like this, we'd end up in somebody's cat food bowl, but not those big-shot orcas. Probably just get another slap on the fin. How many people does he have to kill before you humans get it? He's a thug and needs to be put away for everyone's safety. That dude is 12,000 pounds of bad-ass blubber."

PETA and the Humane Society will be handling Tilikum's defense, citing mitigating circumstances for his recent behavior, including harrassment by the trained seals and longer working hours. Legal experts agree that the defense will have its work cut out for them, as the witnesses and accompanying amateur video all seem to point to an unprovoked attack by the whale, although PETA does have a history of getting perpetrators of animal against human attackers reduced charges and lesser sentences.

PETA has long claimed that orcas and other marine mammals should never be subjected to the grueling performance schedules and confined living conditions that are prevalent in today's marine amusement parks. "It was only a matter of time before one of them snapped," said a PETA spokesperson. "Why do you think they call them "killer whales?" Everything seems to be fine, then one day one of these creatures gets a bug in his blowhole and all hell breaks loose. He was a loaded spear gun just waiting to go off. So, whose fault is it, really?"













Tilikum, a.k.a "Tilly", a.k.a "Orville, the Orca," a.k.a "Raoul," a.k.a "Tillah, The Killah," a.k.a "T-Doggy-Dogg."

Sarasota Journalist, David Grimes, Target of Canadian Hit Squad

The Suncoast was in shock today following the revelation that noted Herald-Tribune humor columnist, local raconteur and man-about-town, David Grimes, was assassinated by a crack Canadian hit squad following his Sunday column concerning that country's hosting of the Winter Olympics. Mr. Grimes article was unexpectedly met with incendiary vitriol from the usually docile local Canadian snowbird population, as witnessed by this 'Letter to the Editor' published in the Weds, Feb. 24th, edition of the local newspaper. Some experts now believe that this letter was actually written by the leader of the elite killing team, known only as "Kevin," and served as the triggering mechanism to put the plot into motion.

The highly-secretive intelligence agency of Canada, headed by former Royal Canadian Mounted Police hero, Inspector Dudley DoRight, has long disavowed even the existence of a sinister arm of the agency known as the 'Moose-ad.' Privately, however, counterterrorism organizations worldwide agree that this action has all the hoof marks of a Moose-ad killing.

Mr. Grimes had been lured to the Sarasota Ritz-Carlton with the promise of free food and cocktails from an unknown source. Never one to pass up either, Mr. Grimes went to Room 230, as instructed. Hotel surveillance footage, below, shows the macabre dance of death carried out by the 11-member Canadian hit squad, with members serving as look outs, diversions and spotters. One of the last persons to leave the ill-fated Grimes in Room 230 was the icy-cold female assassin, known to authorities only as 'Gail,' who seemed to take a measure of personal delight in carrying out the grisly torture and murder of the local celebrity. Security experts do not believe at this time that 'Gail' was a true member of the Moose-ad and could possibly have been a freelance contract killer of some sort.

The end of the video shows the 'Kevin' and 'Gail' boarding a SCAT bus for the Sarasota-Bradenton Airport, where their trail disappears. The video is narrated with commentary by Sarasota PD in an unknown language described by police only as "cop talk," which is believed to have come into use on all surveillance tapes reviewed by the department following several embarrassing videos recently leaked to the media, in which cartoonish sound effects and ethnically-derogatory comments were inserted into the now-infamous Juan Perez tape of him crawling headfirst out of a patrol car while handcuffed, faceplanting, then being kicked by an officer.

Sarasota P.D. has released the surveillance video to various media outlets for public viewing in the unlikely hope that someone will come forward with information. Typically, however, in cases like this, public help is virtually non-existent, due to intimidation from the large influx of Canadian visitors who flock to the Suncoast every winter. The Herald-Tribune has, apparently, succumbed to pressure to not cover the murder after an alleged visit from Canadian goon squads bearing hockey sticks and curling brooms and has agreed to print only Canadian news, notably hockey scores, until April, when the majority of the Canadian snowbirds will begin to make their way back north.

Mr. Grimes was only 32 at the time of his death, although he had the appearance of a much older man, undoubtedly due to his years spent as a hard-living journalist. He leaves behind a widow, Gail (!), and two elated pugs.

"Don't Call Me The Lady Who Hates Baseball," Demands The Lady Who Hates Baseball

And, so, the fight over baseball's future goes on. And on. And on.

Even though pitchers and catchers reported yesterday afternoon and the remainder of the team to be in camp next week, the Committee Against Everything is working feverishly to send the Baltimore Orioles packing back to Ft. Lauderdale. Or Lee County. Or Baltimore. Any place but Sarasota. In fact, they would prefer it if the team just would go straight to hell. But if they did, the O's would be sure to enjoy a much more friendly reception from its denizens and deal with a much higher level of professionalism from its leaders than here in Sarasota.

The Committee Against Everything/Sarasota Citizens For Responsible Government Chapter just wants one thing: their way. And they intend to do everything in their power to get it, no matter how much taxpayer money it costs to paralyze county government with filibustering lawsuits, self-righteous lawyers (as if there were another kind!) and banging the drum of Jeffersonian ideals to attract the Tea Party hangers-on and assorted other obstructionists. God bless America!

"I think this is legalized stealing," pontificated Cathy Antunes, who organized a grass roots campaign to stop taxpayer resources from being used to help keep pro baseball here for spring training in Sarasota, as it has been since 1924. And she's prepared to spend every last dollar of Sarasota's taxpayer money to stop it.

Antunes claims to "know baseball." She also claims to be a devout Yankee fan. That explains a lot. It also discounts her claim to know baseball. Perhaps she knows Yankee baseball, with their self-centered sense of entitlement, boorish manners and haughty, indignant attitude, but she doesn't know real baseball.

Her husband is reportedly a Boston Red Sox fan. That explains even more......

She complains to the Herald-Tribune that she doesn't like being known as The Lady Who Hates Baseball. We suspect that she would just as soon be known as The Lady Who Hates Everything and Everybody.

The Herald Tribune also reports that Antunes is a drug rep, er, 'pharmaceutical salewoman.' You know, someone who goes around glad-handing doctors by buying lunches and passing out pens and notepads festooned with the company logo, trying to get the doctors to prescribe even more of whatever pills, equipment or procedures are churned out by the the company she represents. Not that there's anything wrong with that. After all, it is universally accepted that the drug companies only have our best interests at heart, is it not? Shouldn't Antunes be lobbying against health care reform, protecting the profits of Big Pharma, Big Insurance, Big Hospitals and Big Medicine, instead of railing against Big Baseball?

Ahhh, but it's NOT about baseball, Antunes insists. It's about--what else--truth, justice and the American way of life. Which, of course, necessitates the involvement of attorneys. Who knew?

The Committee Against Everything/Sarasota Citizens For Responsible Government Chapter has judicial bulldog, Andrea Mogensen, as their champion, she of the recent $750,000 judgment against the City of Venice over a Sunshine Law violation, paid out by the good taxpayers of that community. Mogensen has made a career out of litigating these busybody lawsuits that benefit..............Mogensen's bottom line.



In these current halcyon days of unprecedented cooperation in efficiently accomplishing the people's business in government, when anything an elected official says on the record or off is sure to become fodder for the opposition, when those veteran elected officials are dropping out of politics because its become too much of a blood sport (except for Sarah Palin, of course, who quit as governor of Alaska so she could concentrate on engaging in even more political bloodshed as just a 'concerned private citizen.'), how can anything get accomplished legislatively in the glare of the spotlight? As a republic, America takes great pride in our cherished ability to vote freely for representatives to conduct our affairs in the seats of government, but we take even more delight in shouting them down and calling them out, before we re-elect them all over again and again.

At a time when governments all over the globe are lobbying and strategizing and pressuring and cajoling and leveraging and promising and brainstorming and planning and campaigning and promoting and generally fighting tooth-and-nail for every single job that they can possibly bring into their particular area, they are sure to be taking a long, hard look at Sarasota and how its civic and governmental leaders are attempting to attract new businesses to the Suncoast.

And laughing.

Sarasota's new slogan: "Yep, we got a suit for that......"

Local Author, MC Coolidge, Gives Up Quest For '365 Days Of Fun,' Will Join Convent Instead

Noted Sarasota diarist, journalist and all-around bon vivant, MC Coolidge, has abandoned her self-imposed year-long journey to have fun every day of 2010. What began with such promise in that seminal essay that she penned for the New Year's Day edition of the Herald-Tribune, where she vowed "I'm not going to let another 365 days go by existing solely in survival mode. In 2010, baby, I'm going to have me some fun.....I am going to write that novel, buy a sexy suit for swimming, rip the plastic off my shrink-wrapped life and open my heart to sheer fun."

Author M. C. Coolidge, prior to her descent into hell.

Tragically, those expectations of joy, of higher aspirations have come crashing ashore, dashed on the unforgiving shoals of real life. As do so many at the turn of the calendar year, Ms. Coolidge succumbed to the exuberance that is a new beginning, a new chapter; like a brand new Etch-A-Sketch that your little brother hasn't played with yet, still devoid of his indelible mark of greasy fingerprints. Now she sits alone in a darkened room somewhere, her dream of fun shattered into a million tiny shards that, even though she'll sweep them up as best her Hoover canister will allow, there will always be just a few pieces that will remain to lodge in the sole of her foot, as well as in the very soul of her spirit, a constant and painful reminder of her failure and disillusionment.

To her faithful cadre of readers, the train wreck to come became more evident with each installment of her plaintive missives:

• Jan. 2: "Which, brings me to yesterday …. supposedly my first day of a fun-filled year. Okay, um, not so much. Fun, that is."



• Jan. 4: **LANGUAGE WARNING** "Jiminy Cricket! Day four of my FANY (Fun Ambitions for New Year) resolution and I’m in loser-ville!"



• Jan. 6: "...writing like I did yesterday is actually fun. A perverse, brain-wracking, mentally exhausting, kind of fun...."



• Jan. 8: "Eek! Yesterday I fell off the fun wagon....I had read about a lecture I wanted to go to —a lecture about.....the Holocaust...but didn't go." (We see here that, even by day 8, her mind, ill-accustomed as it was to distinquish pleasureable experiences, ie, 'fun' from distasteful experiences, ie, 'real life,' is now beginning to equate experiences such as a lecture about one of history's most abhorrent episodes of depravity and human suffering with 'fun')



• Jan. 11: "....the place was so jam-packed you got to second base — with just about everybody — just by trying to make it to the bathroom and back." (Now we see that Coolidge's concept of 'fun' has degenerated further into tawdry snippets of perversion. Yet she seems, somehow, to realize the downward spiral in which she is ensnared.) "So, was it fun? It was a decent enough time … but still not the kind of fun I’m trying to have in 2010."



• Jan. 12: (By the very next day, however, her idea of 'fun' has devolved into outright pandering to her horrified, yet riveted, readers.) "If you’d like to help me have some fun....just vote for MC as “best blogger” in the (Sarasota M)agazine’s online poll."



• Jan. 16: "Geez. I’m more than a little disappointed in myself. I’m sorry to be such a drag."



• Jan. 18: "After a dismal last week through Friday, then, came Saturday.....a rainstorm."



• Feb. 4: "I don’t know. But I cried. And weirdly. Very weirdly … I was having fun at the same time." (Here, it is evident that Coolidge has lost all concept of her elusive 'fun,' as she now considers weeping to be "fun." Thankfully, the end of all this suffering is at hand.)



• Feb. 11: "It’s nearly 930 on a Thursday night and I just finished re-hanging the shower door...and I’m thinking … really … where the hell is my MC Mojo? If anybody finds it, will you send it back?" (Having lost all sense of 'fun,' Coolidge puts on a brave face for her readers while making what is an obvious cry for help.)



• Feb. 12: "Sheesh. Last night after I posted my “woe is me, I don’t got no fun” blog, I realized what a whiner I’ve turned into about this whole “365 days of fun” thing I got myself into for my New Year’s Resolution.....I’m not going to write again — about fun...."

Thus, on Feb. 12th, 2010, a scant 43 days into her pursuit of fun, it is over. Mercifully.

It was reported that Ms. Coolidge, emotionally spent and mentally exhausted, has entered a convent and will begin the process of becoming a cloistered nun when her physical and psychological health allows, much to the chagrin of her adoring male fans, which were legion.

When she completes her studies and recites her vows, she will take on the name of "Sister Mary-Katen Ashley" of the Little Sisters of the Condominium on the Beach, where she will join in their ministry to the dissolute and downtrodden former property owners of Siesta Key, who bought at the height of the real estate boom and are now living on the streets, albeit the tony, paved-with-gold streets, of Siesta Key.

The soon-to-be Sister Mary-Katen Ashley, on Siesta Key beach, hawking the famous "Fly-Or-Die" insect and unwanted beach lothario repellant device, for which the Little Sisters craft by hand and sell to tourists, as their main source of funding their unique mission. Observe the physical change in appearance wrought by her ill-fated quixotic quest for 'fun.'

May you find, if not the fun you so hoped to discover, the peace you so richly deserve, dear Little Sister......

I'm Andre Watkins and I Am The N.R.A.

"My name is Andre Watkins. I've been accused of shooting to death a 19-year old girl and critically wounding two other apparently random victims, committing an armed carjacking and trying to shoot another man who, unfortunately, escaped. Now, I am incarcerated in the Hillsborough County Jail where I am being mistreated, subjected to police brutality, made to wear a hood at my arraignment so I couldn't spit on the guards, attempted to prevent me from screaming profanities at the judge and, worst of all, won't return my pistol to my possession in direct violation of my Constitutionally-protected Second Amendment rights."

"I am the N.R.A..........

Judicial Mixup Gives Oil-Drilling Opponents More Than They Bargained For In Siesta Key Beach Protest

Hundreds of well-intentioned citizens who showed up on Siesta Key public beach to participate in the "Hands Across The Sands" demonstration on Sat., Feb 13th, to voice their opposition to the proposed off-shore drilling for oil. Now, all those civic-minded people have become mired in a legal entanglement that threatens to uproot their lives in a way in which they never could have imagined.

The dilemma stems from what appears to be an honest mistake by Sarasota County judge, Becky Titus who, for some years now, has conducted a marriage vow renewal ceremony every Valentine's Day on Siesta Key beach, known as "Say I Do Again."

"I was driving past Siesta Key beach on Saturday afternoon and saw all these people streaming toward the beach," said Judge Titus later that day. "All of a sudden I just thought 'Oh, my gosh, they must be here for my wedding ceremony!', not realizing that it was Sat., the 13th, and not Sunday, the 14th. In my defense, I've been fighting the flu and have been consuming copious amounts of cold medication. You can ask anyone who's appeared in my courtroom lately--I've just been out of it for a couple of months now."

"So I parked my car, jumped into my robes and ran to the beach and found everyone holding hands, stretched out as far as I could see. I thought it was so romantic and just got caught up in the scene. I spoke to the crowd and when I asked them if they wished to renew their marriage vows, they all shouted "I do." It was only later that I learned that, because of the windy conditions that afternoon, everyone thought I asked "Do you solemnly oppose this drilling with all your natural life?" I then pronounced them husband and wife. All of them."

"Only when everyone started chanting "Don't Drill On Our Beach" did I start to think that something was wrong. Although, I must admit that for a second, I thought, perhaps, that some amorous couple may have gotten swept up in the moment and began to, well, you know, right there on the beach. After all, I am known for conducting a very moving ceremony."



Legal experts agree that it was, in fact, a lawfully-binding marriage ceremony and that with the pronouncement of the participants saying aloud "I do", in the eyes of the law they are now officially wed to whomever they were holding hands with at the time they spoke those words. Now the question becomes what to do, as most of the participants are legally wed more than one person, since they had formed a human chain and were holding hands with two people, making them guilty of bigamy. Then there is the dilemma of gay marriage, since many of the people were holding hands with someone of the same sex. By Florida law, these persons are now considered criminals.

Florida's Attorney General, Bill McCollum, who is coincidentally running for governor, has released a statement that his office has "no choice but to prosecute those person or persons who were legally married on Siesta Key beach in an offically-recognized legal proceeding to the fullest extent of the law, in accordance with state and federal statutes and the Bill McCollum Campaign for Governor, 2010, 'Get Tough On Crime' platform."

Religious leaders also point to the various violations of canon and ethical law resulting from the misguided beach ceremony. Various mainstream Protestant, Catholic and Jewish clergy affirmed that those people who are entered into an illicit marriage with another are "condemned to an eternity in the fiery depths of hell, and that without remedy," although several women who were recently ordained as Roman Catholic priests in a Sarasota ceremony have offered special discounts on annulments and planned to place ads to that effect in local newspapers. A spokes-saint for the Diocese of Venice has already made it clear that "the women priests and anyone who supported them were no longer members of the Church of Rome." They also said to "be aware of cheap imitations" and that discount-pricing on any church-related service would not be offered unless authorized by the home office in Vatican City.

The Sarasota Church of Latter Day Saints (Mormons), however, indicated that all those who are now married to more than one spouse are welcome to worship and tithe at their church, whose motto is: "Two spouses, no problem. Bad credit, now that's a problem."

Farley "The Drum Dude" Monach, a regular participant in the popular Siesta Key drum circle on Sunday evenings, declared dreamily, "Far out, man," when informed of the matrimonial mixup.

Meanwhile, a spokesflak for the Exxon Mobil, Shell, British Petroleum, Chevron and 3-in-1 Oil Consortium expressed little sympathy for the plight of the Siesta Key beach protesters. "Maybe they should just stay at home and leave the fate of the beach in the hands of us professionals," she said.

*Full Disclosure Notice: Author has been to Siesta Key Public Beach, is married and uses petroleum products.

The Right Honorable Judge Becky Titus: "And that's my rulin'........."