Pope Benedict XVI Implicated In Manson Murder Cover-Up

The Vatican was rocked today by accusations that Pope Benedict XVI could be held complicit in the infamous Tate/LaBianca murders in Los Angeles in August of 1969. While officially declining comment, the Vatican was in full panic mode to learn as many details of the Holy Father's involvement with convicted killer, Charles Manson, in order to defuse this latest bombshell coming on the heels of the revelation that the Pope may have been party to the child molestations that occurred during his watch.

The story is still in the process of being fleshed out by varying sources, but this much is known:

Pope Benedict XVI, nee Joseph "Joey, the Rat" Ratzinger, entered the priesthood in Bavaria in 1950 at the age of 23. There he encountered a 16-year old American lad who was travelling through Europe and the two became fast friends. When the boy turned 18, Fr. Ratzinger, already a rising star in the church, convinced his young friend to enroll in St. Euthanasias Seminary in Topanga, Austria. Two years later, a newly ordained Fr. Charles B. Manson would begin a brief, yet tumultuous, tenure as a popular Roman Catholic priest.

Father Charles Manson, known to his younger parishoners as "Kumbaya Charlie" for his inspirational music ministry.


In the mid-1950s, now-Monsignor Ratzinger had acquired oversight of several parishes in Austria, including St. Philharmonia, where a charismatic Fr. Charlie was gaining quite a reputation--not all of it good. Rumors swirled throughout the parish when altar boys began disappearing from the community at an alarming rate, with the innuendo finally reaching the ornate, gold-inlaid desk of Msgr. Ratzinger.

In August of 1959, Msgr. Ratzinger visited his old friend to deliver the bad news: either stop abducting altar boys or he would be transferred to another parish, as was the custom. Fr. Charlie insisted that he had done nothing more heinous than every other priest in the church had done and that Msgr. Ratzinger was singling him out because he was an American, calling the Reverand Father a "Nazi." An outraged Msgr. Ratzinger shouted back, "You like America so much, I am send you back. There is opening in parish in South Central Los Angeles, you like your America so much. You touch boys there, they KILL you. Maybe they cut your balls off. You love it there. You never be nothing, Charlie. Not like me."

The two parted bitterly, with Fr. Charlie soon shipped off to the mean streets of L.A. to serve as headmaster at the rundown St. Thomas LaSorda School for Wayward Boys. Fr. Charlie was quickly overwhelmed by the task and eventually dropped out of the priesthood, to begin hanging around with the nascent hippie movement in mid-1960s California, dabbling in psychedelic drugs. He ended up living on the streets, homeless, harboring a gnawing resentment toward his former friend, Ratzinger, for removing him from his cushy post in Austria and shipping him to the crime and poverty riddled, drug-infested ghettos of L.A. The now-defrocked and disgraced Manson vowed that he would somehow carve out a name for himself and make Joey, the Rat sorry for marginalizing him.

And, so, on the night of Aug. 8, 1969, ten years to the day after his heated confrontation with Msgr. Ratzinger, Charles Manson unleashed his 'family' of devoted followers on a murderous rampage over the next two days that would rock the nation and the world. In the weeks to come following his arrest and subsequent notoriety, Manson made good on his promise to make a name for himself and secure his place in history.

Over the years, Manson tried to assign blame for his sorry state to his run-in with Ratzinger, now a cardinal in the Catholic Church hierarchy. Manson wroter letter after letter to his former mentor in the hope of reconciliation and redemption, but it was all for naught; the letters were returned to Manson's cell unopened as Ratzinger continued his inexorable climb to head the Vatican. In a heartbreaking display of frustration at his rejection by Ratzinger, Manson crudely scratched a swastika on his forehead before a court appearance, in an apparent nod to his characterization of Ratzinger being a Nazi years earlier.

"And it still stings all these years later. Sometimes I get headaches from it. But I'll tell you what: that little Bic pen tattoo up there sure saved me from a world of hurt in prison after the Aryan Brotherhood noticed it and became my BFFs."

But Ratzinger had not forgotten his friend from those many years ago. When Cardinal Ratzinger was elected by his peers to become the 265th leader of the Holy Church of Rome, he took the name "Benedict XVI," an obvious reference to Charles Benedict Manson, who was but 16 (XVI) years old when they had first met in that small Bavarian village, a lifetime ago.

Investigators and forensic historians are poring over the facts and timelines of this breaking story. Some questions they hope to answer include:

• Could the murders of nearly a dozen innocent people have been prevented if Ratzinger had not transferred Manson to L.A.?



• Would Roman Polanski not have assaulted that 13-year old girl if his wife, Sharon Tate, was still alive?



• Would Steven Railsback have become a major motion picture star if he wouldn't have been forever typecast as a psycho after portraying Manson in "Helter Skelter?"



• Would Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, another Manson devotee, been induced into trying to assassinate Pres. Gerald Ford and, if successful, would that have derailed the career of Chevy Chase?

"I swear I didn't know anything about any little boys.....GAAAAAA!!!!!!"

USF President, New Football Coach, Player Missing; Police Have No Firm Suspects

Florida law enforcement confirmed earlier today that the president of the University of South Florida, Judy Genshaft, newly-hired head football coach, Louis "Skip" Holtz, and a football player believed to be Joel Miller are missing and all are presumed to be the victims of foul play. Authorities have named former USF football coach, Jim Leavitt, as a person of interest in the case.

Leavitt was dismissed from the USF football program at the end of last season when an internal investigation concluded that he grabbed walk-on Joel Miller by the throat and slapped him twice during halftime of a Nov. 21 football game. Leavitt has consistently denied the incident and filed a lawsuit earlier this month seeking the $9.5 million left on his seven-year contract, along with attorney's fees which are estimated by some legal experts to be about $9 million, leaving Leavitt a cool $500,000, which should just about be enough to retrieve his car from the Hillsborough County Impound Lot, where it was towed at the request of USF campus police while Leavitt was in a meeting on campus last January being fired.

The lawsuit accuses USF of discounting the testimony of Benny Perez and Jack Hypes, both Florida Highway Patrol officers, who said that Leavitt did not strike Miller, a story corroborated by USF strength coach Ronnie McKeefery, a player's parent, Mike Durakovic, safety Jerrell Young, four nuns, a Baptist minister, a Roman Catholic priest, a Jewish rabbi, the entire cheerleading squad and a player to be named later who claim they were all present in the locker room that fateful Saturday afternoon. According to the lawsuit, the university deemed all the witnesses to be "not credible" with no explanation other than "because we said so, that's why."

The case hinges, primarily, on the accusation by Miller, who later recanted his accusation, then, at another news conference re-instated his accusation, which brought about the accusation by Leavitt that Miller "wouldn't know an accusation if it grabbed that little punk by his skinny, lying, pencil neck and slapped him. Twice."

Miller's parents told reporters, "We are firmly convinced, without a doubt, that Jim Leavitt killed our son. Well, maybe not--maybe he didn't. No, in fact, he couldn't have killed Joel. It's just ridiculous to think that Coach Jim would do anything like that to our boy. No, wait, we think--we're sure he did. Yes, that bastard absolutely, positively killed our beloved son, little what's-his-name."

Authorities adamantly refused to disclose details of the trio's disappearance, other than to say that they discovered "three freshly-dug graves containing human remains; one middle-aged, well-dressed female, one 46-year old male with the name "Skip" tattooed on his left arm and one 21-year old male with hand imprints on his throat and on either side of his head" in an end zone of Raymond James Stadium. They refused to speculate on the identities of the bodies until lab testing was completed. When reporters suggested that the end zone of a football field seemed a rather high-profile place for a killer to bury his victims, one FDLE officer close to the case replied, "Not if you're familiar with the two teams that play there."

Leavitt, who was visiting his wife's family in Boca Raton, told reporters that he was returning a shovel and wheelbarrow that he had recently borrowed from his father-in-law and could not comment on either the lawsuit or the disappearance of the three people, due to the pending suit. Leavitt appeared relaxed and at ease, obviously enjoying his time away from football by doing a little gardening, as evidenced by the soil and grass stains on his clothing.


"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talking... you talking to me? Well, there ain't nobody else here, so you must be talkin' to me. Who the hell do you think you're talking to? Oh yeah?"

Sarasota Ups The Ante For Google Recognition, Vows To Kill One Citizen A Day Until It's Awarded High-Speed Internet

In a bold display of oneupsmanship, a hallmark of the Sarasotan spirit of entrepreneurship, local leaders have decided to go "all in" in their bid to woo internet giant Google to bring high-speed fiber-optic internet to the Suncoast.

When stunts like re-naming City Island as "Google Island" and having Sarasota mayor, Dick Clapp, (no, really!), go for a swim with the sharks at Mote Marine Aquarium went relatively unnoticed by Google and the world's press, the movers and shakers behind the local movement knew there was no turning back. They refused to be upstaged by the likes of Duluth, MN, Topeka, KS, front-runner Grand Rapids, MI and many other cities who are willing to sell their collective souls for their fifteen minutes of fame on the Google bandwithwagon.

Google, singularly unimpressed by Sarasota's proposed name change, proposed their own suggestion, noting, "It's this or nothing; we take second billing from no one":

Said Rich Swier, Jr., local tech guru, "I took a page out of my dad's playbook. 'If you can't beat 'em, kill 'em. In fact, even if you can beat them, kill 'em anyway. It's just good business.' (Swier's father is a beloved oil-drilling, gun-toting uber-right wing reactionary who resides in Sarasota.)

"After substantial talks with business and political leaders, we have decided that, until Google makes us one of their fiber-optic test cities, we are prepared to execute one Sarasota citizen per day. And, just to show Google that we're serious, we kicked off the campaign by hanging four randomly-chosen transients that we picked up for panhandling in Five Points Park today at lunchtime. We had a great turnout and everyone there seemed excited about getting faster internet."


Swier's partner, Matt Orr, said the idea came to them when Sarasota's mayor was in the shark tank at Mote. "We both looked at each other at the exact same time and said, 'Dude, wouldn't it be, like, so cool if the sharks actually ATE him?' 'What if we tied a pork chop around this buffoon's neck and threw him back in the tank again?' How much more of a bang would Sarasota have gotten if, instead of swimming with sharks, the mayor would have gone sleeping with the fishes. We instantly knew that human sacrifice was the way to go on this."

"We had briefly entertained the idea of animal sacrifices, but, given Sarasotan's love for all things four-legged, we knew the public would be outraged and repulsed if we even mentioned killing, God forbid, somebody's cocker spaniel. So, humans it was."

Both men stressed that those chosen for sacrifice would NOT be tourists, political figures, developers, financial managers, realtors, lawyers, Ponzi schemers, used car salesmen or any citizen with a verifiable net worth of over $5 million--"those people are the very essence of this town," said Orr. "Everybody else, though, is fair game to be nominated by their friends and neighbors to die a horrific public death."

Said Kathy Baylis, president of the Economic Development Corporation of Sarasota County, "I was a little taken aback by this proposal when I first heard about it, but with Sarasota's skyrocketing unemployment rate making 'suicide bomber' look like a viable career option here on the Suncoast, I quickly realized the economic benefit of the program beyond the internet thingy. I think it's a great way to thin out the labor pool so we can bring those jobless numbers down. I just hope Google doesn't end the contest too soon or we won't have enough deaths to make a noticeable difference in our percentages."

One unidentified City Commissioner gushed, "What's not to love about this idea? Sarasota gets its name plastered all over the worldwide media as an innovative tech haven, we cement our reputation for being the "Meanest City in the Nation" when it comes to the poor and homeless, we clean out the transients, whether by public execution or the attending news and, if we run out of bums, we'll start whacking old people. We'll never run out of them!"

In order to keep the program interesting, fresh and relevant, though, the community is being asked to come up with interesting and novel ways to accomplish the executions. The Sarasota Herald-Tribune is kicking off its "Gettin' Gory for Google" contest in its Sunday edition by inviting reader submissions for non-traditional ways that those chosen for sacrifice could be done in, noting that "points will be given for style, amount of pain and suffering, novelty, blood spatter and local flavor--think buried alive in our famous snow-white sand on one of our beautiful beaches or taking that one last swim with Tilikum, the killer whale from Sea World."



"OK, Duluth, think you're badass? You got any of these in Lake Superior??"

National Guard Restores Order In Sarasota After Riots Celebrating School Tax Extension Victory

The streets of Sarasota have, once again, returned to calm today--mercifully so--after two days of unimpeded rioting by supporters of the public education tax extension that was approved by voters in Tuesday's referendum balloting, thanks to the overwhelming presence of Florida National Guard troops patrolling throughout the city and various other trouble spots in the county. Local authorities, unable to control the hordes of celebrants, had first contacted the Florida Highway Patrol for assistance, but quickly realized that the situation was out of control and appealed to Gov. Charlie Crist for assistance.

The governor, locked in a heated US Senate race with challenger, FL Congressman Marco Rubio, at first said he was reluctant to appear anti-education, but when told that Rubio viewed the wholesale violence going on in Sarasota as "populist cathartic rage", Crist stepped to the fore and ordered in the troops. Said the governor, "If that little Cuban is for it, then I'm against it, whatever it is. And you can quote me on that. Except for the 'little Cuban' thing maybe....."

The violence began when it became clear that the tax extension would pass, despite Elections Supervisor Kathy Dent's concern that union goons made up primarily of girl's phys. ed. teachers were involved in widespread voter intimidation at several polling places. The jubilant celebration soon turned ugly when the throng of teachers and their supporters, including several thousand students, some as young as second-graders, began smashing out storefront windows in downtown Sarasota, overturning cars and setting them on fire.

At one point, the out-of-control mob went berserk when a school district van delivered the spokesman for the tax opponents, Walt Augustinowicz, into their midst, hands tied behind his back and a hood over his head. The teachers began beating him with rulers and wooden pointers, before hanging his lifeless body from a traffic signal at the corner of Ringling and Main. Lori White, the normally soft-spoken head of Sarasota County schools, appeared energized from the bloodlust, shouting at the dangling corpse, "Who's your daddy now, bitch? Sit up straight when I'm talking to you! Don't have much to say now, do you, Mister Tough Guy? Woooooooo!!!", while flashing the 'hook-em horns' hand gesture, then taking a long swig from a champagne bottle given to her by a colleague before pouring the balance of its contents over his head.



Several liquor stores were looted, fueling the horde's growing appetite for violence. Fires burned throughout the city as firefighters and local police refused to confront the rioters. Said one fireman, "If we can't get police protection to get to the fires, we're not going in alone. Well, that and because our union steward told us that we're not going in as a professional courtesy to the Sarasota Classified/Teachers Association."



As dawn broke Wednesday morning, thick black clouds of smoke rose above the condos and office towers of downtown Sarasota. Fires raged unabated, while union reps for teachers and public safety wrangled with contractual language that would allow emergency personnel to extinguish the blaze without giving the appearance of stepping over the teachers union de facto picket line.



With nightfall on Wednesday, a second night of violence and wanton destruction of property began in earnest as roving bands of educators and other thugs roamed the littered streets of the darkened city, although the smoldering fires and smoky haze did give the little town somewhat of a candlelit glow that was undeniably appealing, not unlike that a beautiful blonde languorously smoking a cigarette across the tiny table of some excruciatingly chic Parisian bistro, lit only by a single flickering candle. National Guard troops arrived shortly before midnight and used tear gas, dogs and armored vehicles to subdue and disperse the mob.

A distraught young soldier sat on a street corner while a medic tended what appeared to be a nasty head wound. Choking with emotion, 2nd Lt. Hudson Bayou of the Florida Guard revealed that he was born and raised in Sarasota and was appalled at the scene, saying, "Do you know what it's like to have to turn a water cannon on a woman getting ready to throw a Molotov cocktail into your vehicle and realize it was your third-grade teacher?"



Damage estimates are expected to be in the tens of millions and plans are being finalized for a ballot referendum to propose a 1-mill "temporary" tax to pay for the repairs.

The Sarasota County School Board has issued a statement indicating that all county schools will be closed until a week from Monday, as all top administrators, the board and three hundred or so teachers are headed to the ultra-posh Mauna Lani Resort in Hawaii for some R & R. Said Carolyn Zucker, president of the school board, "Hey, it's not like we can't afford it, right? Besides, we got a good deal from the resort because an AIG management convention had to cancel because they were shamed into not going by adverse publicity. No such worries for us, though. If it wasn't for these dedicated professional educators before you today, you cretins wouldn't know how to spell 'adverse publicity.' Aloha, y'all!!"

The burned-out shell of Sarasota's City Hall stands as mute testament to the power of public education.

Tim Tebow To Save NFL, Roethlisberger Not Worth His Salt

Chapter 10

The Parable of Ben, the fall of the wicked warrior.

1 And, lo, those many months later, the Army of Steel went unto the town of Latrobe and there did make preparations to commence a season of war upon their enemies.
2 And, behold, a great light was made to shine round the encampment, and all those therein fell upon their knees with fear.
3 And a mighty wind from the south brought a great cloud into their midst and the light shone through the cloud and they saw a man, clad in raiment of black and gold descend from it, as if on the wings of eagles.
4 And the thunder did roll and the lightning was all around this man, and when his feet touched the earth at the plains of St. Vincent, a multitude of heavenly hosts did sing songs of exultation.

5 And cherubs attended him, as did doves and all manner of lamb and calf and forest creature, for it was Timothy, of the house of Tebow, who had come into their midst, who was to be a light unto the feet of all those who would run headlong into the foe, and a help unto those who would receive the offering from those who would throw the bladder of the swine.
6 And all those who saw Tim were amazed and shouted “Alleluia,” and the plains of St. Vincent rang with the people’s hosannas for him.
7 But there was one among them whom did not renounce the way of Satan to follow Timothy in the paths of righteousness, and this was Ben, who did envy Timothy for the vast amounts of gold, frankincense and myrrh which he was given to join the Army of Steel.
8 For Ben believed himself to be the anointed one, who should be the mightiest of warriors and receive the blessing of Michael, of Tomlin, to lead the forces of good into battle against their foes.
9 Now Ben was also consumed with envy of the love everyone hath shown for Timothy and was vexed that it was no longer he who wore the crown of laurel and was beloved by the people of the Three Rivers.
10 And Michael, of Tomlin, seeth Ben’s jealousy and saith to him, “Verily, I say unto you, behold the man-child who, this day, shall deliver the enemies of the Steelers unto us forevermore.”
11 “Thy loose and wicked ways hath condemned you, your lewdness with women hath brought weakness to thy legs and an excess of wine hath brought weakness to thine arm.”
12 “You hast become a plague unto us and we shall now follow Timothy into war, as you are no longer the chosen one, and now shall bear the shield of Timothy for him and be a help unto him in battle.”
13 Now, Ben was sorely angered at this news and cursed Timothy, which caused Michael, of Tomlin, to suffer him to come with him to another place, away from his army.
14 And Ben cried out, “I will not, for it is my place to lead this army; my transgressions are not of my doing, as there are those who would bear false witness against me and cause me to lose my way.”
15 “What of thy kicker, who hath made war upon that machine by which men can rid their hands of water and who has shown his nakedness to all the world? What of his rebellion against just authority when another of our number was to be arrested for his drunkenness?”
16 What of thy receiver, who did sell narcotics when he was young? What of all those others who hath failed to heed the laws of man?”
17 To which Michael, of Tomlin did answer, “When that day cometh that Timothy declares himself to be equally as noble of foot, then Jeffrey shall be driven from the house of Rooney, as will all those others of whom you speaketh, for we shall become an army that represents the virtue and goodness of the tribe of the Three Rivers.”
18 And Ben fell into a rage, shouting, “I shall remain upon this field and shall not be moved by any man, even he who would usurp my position, for he shall be damned this day by all the demons of Hell itself that I shall summon and I will be king once more and unto me will graven images be wrought!”
19 And with that, Ben did raise his hand against Timothy and he became a pillar of salt.
20 And all those that saw these things that day did fall upon their knees and hide their faces, for they were sore afraid and turned away their eyes that they should not suffer a similar fate.
21 Then, the heavens opened and did weep for Ben, for he was once favored by the Lord, and the pillar of salt that was Ben did melt into the earth and he was no more.

Steelers To Draft Tim Tebow, Super Bowl Victory Assured By Biblical Decree

Chapter 9

1 And it came to pass in those days, that the once-mighty army of the tribe of the Three Rivers, who were called the Army of Steel, had despaired into sin and degradation because they were vain and proud and had strayed from the paths of righteousness, and the people did gnash their teeth and rend their clothes because of it.
2 For there were those in the army who had become drunkards and whoremongers and brawlers and those who succumbed to the pleasures of the flesh, who reveled in their nakedness and debauchery and no longer wished to follow those precepts set forth those many years ago by the Chief, who forbade such wantonness among his warriors;
3 As it was with Ben, who was the leader of this Army of Steel, who once was favored by the Lord and led his men into victory upon victory, but who had now become sinful and licentious in his ways.
4 Now, the Lord looked upon Ben and was desirous that he forsake his sinfulness, so that He made him to fall from his mount, suffering a grievous wound about his head, for he wore not his armor nor his helmet, and the people prayed with much fervor, that Ben was healed and did repent and led his army to victory, and gave glory to God by raising his hand to heaven in this time of victory.
5 But, once more, Ben had those around him who led him to look away from the face of the Lord and fall into sin with a harlot, and his accuser said, “Ben hath forced himself upon me and I have been shamed and for this I demand redress.”
6 And, again, the Lord heard the cries and lamentations of the tribe of the Three Rivers, who feared greatly that they would be vanquished by those barbarian hordes of Browns and Ravens and Bengals, and did cause she who was scorned to be known as one who would bear false witness against Ben, who did cloak himself in the clothes of righteousness and proclaimeth again his love for the Lord.

7 But Ben soon strayed for a third time, now in the land that is called Georgia, for his drunkenness and pride led him to keep company with a young handmaiden, who now weeps for her lost honor.
8 Now, Ben hath been shown mercy twice before, and his advisors tell him that he is a mighty warrior and should indeed have his choice of concubines with which to copulate and take his pleasure, for he is not subject to the laws of the land, as he is the mightiest of warriors.
9 But the people of the tribe of Three Rivers were sore afraid, for they knew that vexation of the Lord could end their reign as keepers of the Six Rings, as their enemies were many and great and sought vengeance upon this Army of Steel; to smite them, yea, verily, even to slay them.
10 For the Lord speaketh to them, saying, "As I have laid low the once mighty Raiders of Oakland for their wicked ways, so shall I visit my retribution upon the Army of Steel if they continue to forsake my laws and spirit with their evilness."
11 So the leaders of the army, who were the Rooneys, called upon the spirit of the Chief to give them wisdom to make their army strong once more, so that their glory might be restored upon the tribe of the Three Rivers, and the Chief spoke to his sons, saying,
12 “Behold, I give to you this very day in the city of Gainesville, a man-child, who is pure of heart and true of spirit, who shalt restore our favor in the eyes of the Lord and shalt make His face to shine upon our Army of Steel.”
13 “And his name shall be called Timothy, of the house of Tebow, for he loves the Lord with all his heart and it is he, and he alone, who shalt lead the Army of Steel out of darkness in which they now wander and into the promised land.”
14 “And the Lord hath shown him great favor and Timothy has girded his loins with righteousness and painted his face with the word of the Lord.”
15 “Yet there are those who would seek to diminish his works, and saith that he is not a great warrior, that his arm is weak and he would fall at the hands of his enemies in battle, for he is short of stature and ability, as was David before Goliath.”
16 “Yet, just as David slew Goliath, so shall Timothy lead this Army of Steel unto glory, for he shall put away his tunic of orange and blue that he wore as a child and put on the armor of black and gold as a man, for it is so ordained that those who would select their warriors on the fourth week of the fourth month will be led to choose others instead, so that he may lead us,"
17 For Ben hath forsaken me and turned from me, and, likewise, I shall forsake him, and he shall be destroyed, and that without remedy. Amen.”
18 Thus saith the Chief, and it was good.

Why Sarasota Needs School Tax Extension: So Our Teachers Don't Have To Become Strippers Or Get Eaten By Wolves

Proponents of the Sarasota County public school tax extension to be voted on next Tuesday have offered two more compelling reasons why this tax proposal must be passed. Education professionals cite the recent disturbing news concerning two of their teaching colleagues and how the additional monies garnered from the tax will prevent similar tragic stories from happening to teachers here in the county.

First, the heartbreaking tale of a once-promising young teacher who was living her dream of making a difference in the lives of the young people of Enochs High School in Modesto, CA. An English teacher at the school gave her young charges a dose of harsh reality recently by telling them that, since she had just been told that she would be losing her job due to budget constraints, she was going to "become a stripper and sell her eggs." , according to student, 16-year-old student Tiffany Geisen (see video.)

The teacher, who has been identified as 24-year old, Tanqueray Sugarbush, photo below, had just completed her her 6th period English class lecture: "Was Shakespeare on Crack When He Wrote Those God-Awful Boring Stories?" when she made the announcement to the students.

Former English teacher of the Year, Ms. Tanqueray Sugarbush.

She told her students that because their parents were heartless cheapskates who didn't want to pay their taxes, she had been laid off by the school district. Her only recourse would to become a pole dancer and be forced to live off greasy dollar bills stuffed in her see-through peek-a-boo boy short panties by the filthy hands of degenerate perverts who leered at her through the bottoms of a dirty pilsner glasses. She also said that it was a common knowledge that strippers routinely sold the fruit of their ovaries to dirty little men who operated shady fertility clinics that preyed on innocent young couples whom God did not bless with precious little children of their own.

Former teacher, Tanqueray Sugarbush, took the stage name of Enid Foster to hide her shame of dancing in strip clubs.

Colleagues of Ms. Sugarbush, who was universally liked by her students and fellow teachers alike, were shocked upon hearing her statement, although Phys. Ed. instructor, Norman "No-Nuts" Sweeney, allowed that " she did have a major-league set of hooters on her." Her students remembered how Ms. Sugarbush would use unconventional means to hold the attention of some of their classmates, often staying after regular school hours to tutor some who found her English class to be "hard."

Ms. Sugarbush always found a way to keep her students interested.

Moral of this story: higher taxes mean more teachers and bigger salaries, so teachers don't have to work as strippers; although the average wage of a stripper at Cheetah's on 301 currently stands at nearly 3 1/2 times that of a Sarasota County teacher. Plus performance incentives and bonuses.

Moral of that story: we need more taxes!


The second cautionary tale illustrates the direct correlation between the consequences of voting down the public education tax extension and the very life and death of our teachers.

Earlier in the week, a young woman was fatally attacked and killed in Alaska by, what experts believe, was a pack of wolves--rabid, snarling, flesh-tearing vicious wolves--as she jogged along a deserted stretch of road in the desolate wilderness around Chignik Lake; "chignik" being Inuit for "watch out for killer wolves."

The victim was 32-year old Candice Berner.

She was a teacher.

Moral of this story: if the the voters of Sarasota County pass the tax extension, good teachers like Berner won't have to lose their lives by having to go to someplace like God-forsaken Chignik Lake to teach blubber-eating Eskimo kids how to read and write in some one-igloo schoolhouse when they could come here to beautiful Sarasota to teach our bright, articulate and eager young children advanced calculus and quantum physics in our brand-new palatial $53 million Taj Mahal educational edifice that has fully-stocked tiki bars and hot tubs in all six of the teacher's lounges, conveniently located only steps away from the nearest classroom.

Wolves are not the cuddly, forest-dwelling denizens of lore or the dreamy members of Team Jacob.........



.........they want to kill you and eat your liver. Without fava beans.