I'm Evan Longoria and I'm The N.R.A.

I'm Evan Longoria.  I'm the third-baseman for the Tampa Bay Rays.  I'm paid millions of dollars to play a game and, by extension, be a role model for my young fans.  Recently, someone burglarized the house I was renting with two other teammates and stole my AK-47 assault rifle that I keep for....for.....well, it's none of your goddam business why I keep it, actually.  It's my God-given Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms in defense of......well, that's none of your business either.

The rifle was purchased legally, registered legally and possessed legally and responsibly by me.

Until it was stolen.

Now, I don't know how it's going to be used.  Quite possibly, it will be owned by another responsible gun owner.  Or maybe it'll just be sold for some crack cocaine.  Or maybe some 16-year old kid will get his hands on it and impress his friends by accidentally shooting a few of them.  Then again, maybe somebody will use it to stick up the 7-11 where you and your family just happen to be buying chips and Slurpees and you'll all get hosed down in a hail of bullets.

Either way, not my problem.  I can't be held responsible for what happens with it now.  It was stolen, remember?  Plus, I can afford to buy another one.  Or ten.  Don't care.

Hell, show up at Tropicana Field with it someday and I just might autograph it for you.

Because now that it's public knowledge that I owned an assault rifle, maybe opposing pitchers will think twice next time before throwing that high hard one at me..........

I'm Evan Longoria.  And I'm the N.R.A.    

Winner Declared In 2012 Presidential Race

                               
                        Palin/Sheen
                             2012


What happens when you inject a mama grizzly with tiger blood?  A force so awesome that one drop would kill Chuck Norris!

One can see Russia from her front porch; one can see the seventh moon of Uranus.

In the daylight.

In his basement.

With his eyes closed.

Sarasota Detective Fired For Becoming His Own Country (What?)

A man goes to local courthouse and files documents declaring himself a "sovereign citizen," complete with "a thumb print on each page and a photocopy of 21 silver pieces — the price to become a "freeman."  That man now considers himself no longer subject to the laws of the United States and, as such, exempt from the bother of paying taxes, among other things.

In most places, that man would be considered "nuts."  

In Sarasota, that man walks the streets.  He carries a gun.  He wears a badge.  In Sarasota, that man is homicide detective, Tom Laughlin.

Laughlin, it seems, is part of a growing movement of individuals declaring themselves to be sovereign citizens of the world, including  Terry Nichols of the Oklahoma City bombing, Joe Stack, who flew his plane into an IRS building in Austin, Texas, and Jerry and Joseph Kane, the father and son who fatally shot two Arkansas police officers last May, who all believe that "the red numbers on a Social Security card were clues to finding the account, and that birth certificates were related to secret ships berthed in a port that held access to millions of....dollars."

HE CARRIES A GUN!!

Tom Laughlin is no stranger to controversy.  Before coming to Sarasota, Laughlin was known to a generation of movie fans as the iconic:

Billy Jack

Laughlin made several 'Billy Jack' films in the 60's and'70's, including Billy Jack, The Trial of Billy Jack, Billy Jack Goes To Washington, New Billy Jack City, You Don't Know Billy Jack, Jumpin' Billy Jack Flash and a series of travelogue vignettes entitled Hit The Road, Billy Jack, And Don't You Come Back No More, No More.

Said Sarasota City Manager, Bob Bartolotta, "We knew Det. Laughlin might be a bit of a loose cannon for some of his counter-culture ideas when we hired him, but he was so.........so Hollywood!  Our citizens just loved seeing him around town in that funny hat of his, beating people up."

Following his dismissal from the force, security cameras at Five Points Park in downtown Sarasota  caught Laughlin confronting some of the very same homeless people he used to enjoy rousting so much as a cop:


City Manager Bartolotta reports that no charges will be filed against former detective Laughlin for the fight and that all fourteen of the homeless men injured in the altercation were given checks for $400 and bussed out of the city.

I'm Jared Loughner and I'm The N.R.A.

I'm Jared Lee Loughner.  On Saturday, I attended a meet-and-greet held by a traitor to my America, U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords.  I decided to answer the call of the patriots and jump start the process to take back my country.  I emptied a clip from my Glock into Giffords and some of her treasonous supporters.

I will not retreat--I will RELOAD, as the next President of the United States, Sarah Palin, commanded me to do.  I will not yield my America to the great brown horde from across the Rio Grande.  I will not press "1" for English.  I will not let down Glenn Beck.  I will not let down Rush Limbaugh.  I will be true to my America.  I will demonstrate my allegiance to my America by hacking away at the cancer that threatens us all.

I will take advantage of the crosshair targets placed on this scourge by Pres. Palin and blast them all back to hell where they belong for being soft on immigration, soft on gun control and backing this whole Obamacare idea, which will surely ruin my America.

I'm Jared Lee Loughner and I'm the N.R.A.

Top News Stories Of 2010 For Sunny, Serene Sarasota

The sun always shines in Sarasota.........

#10.  Homeless Population Non-Existent:  Sarasota officials tout lack of homeless on city streets, say that the cost of busing them to North Port and Bradenton is more than offset by the increased spending at local businesses by tourists, plus not having to feed and house them in the local lock-up.  The homeless, I mean; not the tourists.

 #9.  Ground Zero for Ponzi Schemes:  Sarasota has become mecca for "those who dare to dream big."  Local college offers courses "Introductory Ponzi" and "Intermediate Ponzi", taught by Art Nadel and Beau Diamond via videoconference from their respective prison cells and "Buying and Selling Real Estate to Friends and Family to Drive Up Prices, Then Leaving the Country Before You Can Be Indicted" by Neil Mohammed Husani, via videoconference from somewhere in Amman, Jordan.

 #8.  Bank Failures:  Banking industry claims too much competition was bad for business, encouraged some bankers to make ridiculous loans, knowing they were scams and were sure to fail, to line pockets of loan originators before banks crashed and burned.  County now inviting out-of-town banks in to fill void and bring fresh money.

 #7.  Mortgage Brokers Scatter Like Roaches:  Economy collapses under weight of greedy developers, lack of oversight by banks and wannabe real estate flippers, all looking to get rich.  Mortgage brokers were more than happy to drive that bus.  No more money, no more real estate deals, no more mortgage brokers.

 #6.  Mooring Field A Smashing Success:  Well-heeled boaters and yachtsmen flocked to the newly-remodeled Sarasota Bay to be the first to enjoy the upscale resort atmosphere offered by Marina Jack's "Le Bassin de Nautique," paid for entirely by the taxpayers of Sarasota.  Mooring balls failed testing, contractor claims that no one told him that cinder blocks tied to the end of ropes would not be sufficient and demanded another $462,000 for more cinder blocks.  City taking demand under advisement.

 #5.  Google Installs High-Speed Internet:  Sarasota was selected as the winner in Google's fiber optic sweepstakes after then-mayor, Dick Clapp, was torn apart on live TV by ravenous sharks after jumping into their tank at Mote Marine to attract the attention of Google's selection committee execs choosing a city to receive experimental high-speed internet.  Shark handler, Edna Buxbaum, says she got all wrapped up playing Zuma on her cell phone and forgot to feed the sharks.

 #4. Red Sox Spurn Ft. Myers for Sarasota:  Boston Red Sox owners, impressed with leadership and vision of local politicians, break their just-negotiated lease and pull out of Lee County Stadium in the dead of night.  But not before stealing the plumbing fixtures, air conditioning units and door hardware from their former clubhouse.  Unruly Boston fans overwhelm newly-remodeled Shannon Staub Stadium, setting fire to the $12 million replica of the Green Monster when Sox lose first game.

 #3.  Julian Assange Welcomed to City:  Wikileaks founder and international persona non grata, Julian  Assange was given the key to the city and a check for $3.5 million seed money from the Economic Development Council to build WikiWorld, a proposed theme park based on Wikileaks.  Attractions to include the Foreign Relations Roller Coaster, the International Espionage Merry-Go-Round and the sure-to-be-popular State Department Shake, Rattle & Roll, billed as "a crazy, wacky ride around the world in cars bearing a country's flag where riders guess who their friends are this week in an attempt to avoid a global nuclear holocaust."

 #2.  Hurricane Strikes City:  A powerful Category 5 storm, dubbed Hurricane Hoffman, slammed into Sarasota this past summer with a direct hit on the city's fabled bayfront, obliterating the contentious Unconditional Surrender statue of a sailor kissing a nurse, then, miraculously, dissipating instantly before crossing Gulfsream Blvd., sparing downtown.  Workers later found the the wreckage of the sailor several miles inland at the National Cemetery, while the statue of the nurse was found, incredibly, intact and standing upright in front of Sarasota Memorial Hospital.  Unfortunately, two days later the statue was knocked over and destroyed when 87-year old Mildred Mrdjenivich plowed into it on her way to bingo.

 #1.  Real Estate Market Rebounds:  Realtors are ecstatic about the dramatic upswing in home prices.  Developers and home builders are working round-the-clock to meet the pent-up demand of anxious homebuyers.  Economic experts are absolutely positive that home values will skyrocket to pre-recession levels in the second quarter of 2011, making right now:

THE TIME TO BUY THAT DREAM HOME YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED!!!!!!!!!

 

Yep, This Is About Right..........

"We have met the enemy and they are...........mostly from Ontario.

Holiday Reminder From Suncoast Area Businesses

Please, this holiday season, remember the real reason for the season and keep the $ in $mas.

From all of your friends at the Sarasota Chamber of Commerce.