NASA Accidentally Launches Unmanned Back-Up 'Endeavour' To Hubble Telescope Instead of Intended 'Atlantis.'

Due to the high level of danger inherent in the mission to repair the Hubble Space Telescope by the space shuttle Atlantis, the space shuttle Endeavour was also prepped for launch, should a
rescue mission have to be mounted for the crew of the Atlantis. Endeavour stood atop Launch Pad 39B, while about 1.6 miles away, Atlantis rested upon Launch Pad 39A.

Early Monday morning, the 7 astronauts made their way onto Atlantis to prepare for the lift-off of Space Shuttle Mission STS-125. Weather conditions were adequate for launch and the countdown went off without a hitch.

But when the Mission Control clock read "0:00" at 2:01 PM EDT, nothing happened.

Nothing happened at Launch Pad 39A, that is.

Over at Launch Pad 39B, the giant rocket engines rumbled to life and propelled the unmanned rescue ship Endeavour into space, much to the consternation of everyone associated with the mission.

"Greg (Johnson) was looking out his starboard window and saw the flash," said flight commander, Scott Altman. "We all just kind of looked at each other for a second after the countdown was completed, then we heard a far-off rumble, instead of the teeth-chattering, eyeball-popping roar of lift-off."

It soon became apparent to everyone on the scene that someone pushed the wrong launch button--39B, instead of the correct 39A.

"I have to tell you, no one was more surprised than me when Atlantis just sat there and we heard the noise off to our left," admitted Mission Control's Dr. Nancijean von Hycner. a step-niece of rocket pioneer, Dr. Werner von Braun. "Somebody said 'There goes Endeavour' and, sure enough, there it went. Talk about your 'oh, shit' moments....."

"We aren't sure yet if the wrong button was pushed or if there was a mix up in the wiring to the button. Right now, we're still trying to figure out what the hell we're going to do. We've got seven highly-trained astronauts getting paid for sitting on their duffs on Earth and a runaway space craft loose in the cosmos, that's all."

Concluded von Hycner, "We'll think of something; we always do. We can shoot the Atlantis in the next couple days, fix the telescope and pretend like nothing ever happened and then maybe ask the guys on the International Space Station to grab onto Endeavour as it flies by. We'll find some poor low-level technician we can blame all this on and fire him. Given the recent brouhaha with that photo shoot of Air Force One over the Statue of Liberty, I just hope Endeavour doesn't decide to make a pass over Manhattan before we can come up with a plan."

North Port Re-Branding Consultant Shows Video For Other City That Is Already Reaping Rewards

The North Port City Commissioners were given an advanced screening of a promotional video for another American city struggling with its image. Zgoda Marketing, producers of the video and charged with 're-branding' the City of North Port, played the video to a rapt commission, who praised its content, production values and overall danceability.

The City of Cleveland's Visitor Bureau had commissioned the work and, according to Zgoda Marketing representatives, are "absolutely thrilled" with the resulting video, which has already garnered significant buzz in Chamber of Commerce circles throughout the country.

Said Commissioner Virginia Carusone, "We commissioners have been second-guessed by the people of North Port for spending a great deal of their taxpayer money on this project. I am absolutely confident we will be receiving a promo for our city that is equal to, or even better than, the one shown here tonight for Cleveland. When our residents see this video, they, too, will be reassured that their hard-earned money has been well spent."


Fellow Commissioner, Michael Treubert, was somewhat less effusive. "The video's OK, if you like that kind of stuff. Now if you want to see something that will really get your motor revving, let me show you the one I showed to my law enforcement class a couple months ago......."

Tampa Residents Meet To Complain About Gasparilla Pirate Invasion, Request Federal Intervention To Block Brigands

Tampa residents met with city and county officials yesterday to voice their concerns over what has become an annual invasion of legions of scurvey pirates, which, coincidentally, takes place every year on the same Saturday in February.

Those people living along Bayshore Drive are especially incensed over the drunken debauchery that takes place when the buccaneers storm ashore, including public urination on their manicured lawns. Said one resident, who declined to be identified, "It's only a matter of time before this goes beyond someone's lawn. It's only a matter of time before some poor soul gets their head lopped off with a rusty cutlass and the filthy beggar pisses down their throat. What part of 'THEY'RE PIRATES' don't you people understand??"

City officials expressed concern over trying to repel the invaders. A spokesperson for Mayor Pam Iorio said in a written statement, "So far, the pirates come just one day a year, do some minor looting, pillaging and plundering and then leave for another year. What happens if we make them angry and they come and stay? It's not like anybody's ever gotten killed. Moreover, it's become quite a tourist attraction when they storm ashore and, in this economy, anything that generates business has to be looked at with an open mind."

The Hillsborough County Sheriff's Dept. suggested that Bayshore residents put up their hurricane shutters during the invasion and hunker down inside while the cutthroats roam the streets.

Unappeased, the irate residents said they will appeal to the federal government. Spokesperson Angelica Topton Virginville vowed, "We are tired of hearing from city leaders who say, 'Oh, well, it's just pirates being pirates.' We intend to ask President Obama to send a contingent of Navy Seals to Tampa next year to help put an end the desecration of our lawns."

Sarasota Man To Be Questioned In Death Of Julius Caesar

Roman authorities have expressed interest in the trial of Sarasota murder suspect, Elton Murphy, in connection with the March 15, 44 B.C., murder of Gaius Julius Caesar, the Pontifex Maximus of Rome.

During Murphy's trial for the horrific murder of art gallery owner, Joyce Wishart, his defense attorneys have angled for an insanity plea, citing the defendant's multiple personalities, one of which is "The Lord God Elton Brutus Murphy," who has a DNA link to God and thousands of followers. These claims are questionable, however, since both God and his followers have been noticeably absent from his trial.

Murphy also claims to have participated in the assassination of the Roman emperor Caesar. While offically a 'closed case,' Roman authorities feel that Murphy may have specific knowledge of the crime scene, making him a "person of interest."

The Republic of Rome has sent two centurions to Sarasota to question the suspect. Police investigator, Sgt. Josephus Fridaycus, told reporters outside the courthouse today, "While we know that Caesar was stabbed to death by members of the Roman Senate, we hope Mr. Murphy will be able to shed some light on just exactly who the ringleaders were. Conventional wisdom has always pointed to Tillius Cimber and Servilius Casca, with Marcus Junius Brutus in a lesser role. Tabloid writer, William Shakespeare, was the one who cast Brutus in a more central role, catapaulting him to fame. We just want the facts, ma'am."

"Et tu, rabidus vir?"

Manatee County Man To Produce 'Healthy Chocolate'; World's Drug Cartels Crumble

World-renowned physicist, Aharon Friedman, who is beginning production of his 'healthy chocolate' in Manatee County, has single-handedly accomplished what years of feverish governmental effort and millions of tax dollars could not: disembowel the illegal drug trade.

Said one soon-to-be former North Trail cocaine dealer, "How the hell do I compete with 'healthy chocolate?' All my steady customers are giving up blow for this new shit. What do I do now--apply for a bailout?"

Harvard economist, Dr. Chalfont Bedminster, states simply, "Quite frankly, this changes everything. Drug traffickers have stopped shooting up US-Mexican border towns, the economies of Columbia, Panama and other coca-producing countries are collapsing and the incredible profits reaped by the Taliban from the poppy fields of Afghanistan have suddenly dried up, effectively putting those terrorists out of business."

'Healthy chocolate' has been proven to:

• prevent cavities,
• cure diabetes,
• cure osteoporosis,
• prevent ear and upper respiratory infections,
• prevent Candida yeast infections,
• cure athlete's foot,
• is beneficial to pregnant or nursing women.

Leading demographers foresee a precipitous drop in the world birth rate, as well.

We Got What You Need

Headache?

Fever?

Cough?

Congestion?

Craving for bacon?

Take two and call me in the morning......

Thanks, Bag of Nothing

Red County's Rich "I'm 92% More Self-Righteous Than You" Swier Speaks On Local TV On Behalf Of Off-Shore Drilling, Becomes Compelling Argument AGAINST

Hear that sound? That's the current Republican Party's death wheeze.

The party of Rove, Limbaugh, Cheney and the rest of their ilk is dying and will, hopefully, be reinvented as a more user-friendly, inclusive political party. I hope some moderate Republican is looking over the stern and into the jaws of obsolescence , saying, "We need a bigger boat." You need a bigger tent to win elections, boys; not bigger dirty tricks, threats and bullying.

Or innuendo. Like this masterpiece from Rep. Michele Bachmann from Minnesota, who slyly observed: "I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out, then under Democrat President Jimmy Carter. And I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it is an interesting coincidence."

Well, I for one am glad that she's magnanimous enough to not actually blame it on the Democrats, esp. since the outbreak began in February, 1976, when Republican Gerald Ford was president.

Pres. Gerald Ford being vaccinated against swine flu by Dr. William Lukash in 1976.

Arlen Specter saw the writing on the wall and bailed. Republicans are rapidly becoming unelectable.

Local sultan of smug and right-wing Republican extraordinaire, Rich Swier, somehow became the voice of the pro-drilling faction on a news piece on WWSB-TV Channel 7 this past week. When he was done sticking his foot in his big mouth, he personified everything that is wrong with the current Republican party.

In regards to the proposal to build oil rigs 3-10 miles off the coast instead of the previously-discussed 125-150 miles offshore, Swier, oozing empathy, said, "It will be a spot on the horizon, you won't even notice it. Give me a break, it's bunk. You being able to look out there and see an oil rig. You know what, if you don't like that, then move. Look in another direction. How about that?"

"I'm more interested in my son and my grandchildren having a prosperous state of Florida with tremendous business opportunities."

"Yes, Junior, some day this will all be yours....."