Oil Begins Washing Ashore On Siesta Key; Sarasotans Rush To Beaches

Locals and visitors alike have come in droves to Sarasota's world-famous Siesta Key beach as crude oil from the failed oil rig, Deepwater Horizon, begins sloshing ashore here, turning the once-pristine sugar-white sand into a stained, oily mess that only Hermann Rohrshach could have loved.



For weeks, scientists at Mote Marine Laboratory have been issuing updates concerning the looming invasion by the inky slick. Specially trained dolphins from Mote were outfitted with Hazelwood Devices, ironically named after the captain of the ill-fated Exxon Valdez. Described by one marine biologist as "a sophisticated dipstick attached to a radio transmitter," the Hazelwood Device is bolted onto the dorsal fin of the gentle sea creature and continuously sends back data regarding water quality while the dolphin frolics about in the sea, until, ultimately, the device springs a leak, shorting out the battery and delivering a lethal electrical shock to the unwary mammal.

Based on this information, the Sarasota County Lifeguard Service was able to keep the beach-going public apprised of conditions.

In addition to the usual flags already in use on public beaches, three other flags have been placed into service, all having black backgrounds and bearing one of three messages: "10W30", "10W40" or "Off-Road Diesel Only."

While some beachgoers frantically began scooping up the oil with pails, buckets and other containers to take home with them, others simply filled empty soda bottles and poured the oil directly into their vehicles' crankcases in the parking lots. Government officials met hurriedly to determine if using the oil was a violation of Federal law by not paying the appropriate taxes on it and whether those who collected the oil for personal use would be prosecuted.

Meanwhile, at least one enterprising company had come up with a novel way to not only save the beach environment on the Suncoast, but turn a profit, as well. Kleppick's Barrels of Nokomis has rented the popular sightseeing vessel, The Three-Fingered Starfish, formerly run by Kleppick's Charter Service, and is using it to capture the oil off-shore, put it into barrels and then let the barrels drift into the beach, where they are collected by Kleppick's Temporary Staffing personnel, loaded onto trucks from Kleppick's Cartage and delivered to BP's Sarasota headquarters located at the old Kleppick place. "It's a win-win for the community and the environment," said Coast Guard Commander Phantley Kleppick at a joint news conference with BP Vice-President of Claims for Southwest Florida, Beneva Kleppick Heyward.

Downtown Sarasota Condo Collapses, Scores Killed, Dozens Believed Trapped In Rubble; Realtors Begin Pre-Sales For New Condo To Be Built At Site

Rescue crews and emergency responders from across the Suncoast are rushing to the Gulfstream Blvd. site of the tragic collapse of the Dolphin Towers condominium just off Sarasota's bayfront. The building had been evacuated in late June when severe cracks were discovered in the concrete structure's fourth floor.

The Sarasota Fire Dept. was supervising the residents' return to claim belongings that had been left behind when the condo was first cleared. The stately old tower was currently undergoing a massive re-engineering to make it habitable once again, including the removal of the failed concrete. Demolition crews had removed a large section of the bottom four floors in order to install new steel reinforcements and concrete.

Project supervisor, Mike Lilly, of Young General Contractors, in charge of the delicate demolition work, said today that, in retrospect, he probably should have authorized overtime for the workers to finish shoring up and stablilizing the building, but "being Friday afternoon and all, the guys and I were anxious to get the hell out of here, so I figured it would be OK. The engineers and I had built a scale replica of the condo out of Legos and when we removed a similar amount of blocks from the model, it remained standing, so we just figured, 'Hey, what's the worst that could happen 'til we got back on Monday?' so we knocked off for the weekend."



With about 70 residents and fire personnel inside the structure and a crowd of onlookers across the street, the venerable old building let out a mournful groan and begin a slow roll across Gulfstream Blvd. toward the bayfront, plowing straight into bystanders and the throng of Sarasota citizens who regularly line up on the sidewalks outside downtown restaurants at 3:15 PM, anxiously awaiting the beginning of the daily early-bird specials at 4:00 PM.

Some tourists commented that they were appalled when several local real estate firms began setting up temporary sales offices in colorful cabanas that had been hastily erected near the catasrophe site, jockeying for position with the Red Cross medical tents where medical personnel were frantically setting up triage centers to treat the most severely injured. One realtor was heard complaining that a temporary morgue was located adjacent to her sales cabana, saying, "When customers see all these dead bodies being hauled in here without limbs and heads and such, it's absolutely going to kill my business. Can't they wait until we close, then drag those stiffs off-site or something? I mean, they're already dead, so they certainly don't care. But I've got Lexus payments to make and NOW is the time to buy!"

Realtors were aggressively canvassing bystanders to purchase the new condos that will be located in the what's-sure-to-be-built replacement structure on the site. Said one realtor, "Year after year I've prayed for a hurricane to come in here and wipe out one of these old condo towers so they could build something new in its place that we could sell. But this--this is better than a hurricane. Hell, I'll still be able to play golf tomorrow!"

Sarasota mayor, Kelly Kirschner, tried to put a positive spin on the tragedy, even as it continued to unfold around him. "Because the structure remained intact and rolled across Gulfstream Blvd. and landed on Rt. 41, we are probably just going to leave it and build that roundabout that we've proposed for decades right there and call it a day."

Endangered Whale Sharks Spotted Off Sarasota Coast; County Visitor's Bureau Hastily Puts Together "1st Annual Whale Shark Fishing Tourney"

For the first time in memory, whale sharks have been found just off the coast of Sarasota. Traditionally living in deep Gulf waters far from shore, Mote Marine Laboratory researchers theorize that the oil pollution from the failed Deepwater Horizon may be driving these giant creatures from their natural habitats and into more shallow waters in a desperate bid to escape fouled sea water.

As the largest species of the fish kingdom--sometimes reaching 40 feet and close to 20 tons--these gentle behemoths feed on plankton and other small sea life and pose no threat whatsoever to humans. In fact, they are docile enough for close interaction with humans, actually allowing swimmers to ride on their backs as they glide just beneath the waves.



In response to this remarkable news, the Sarasota County Convention Bureau, never ones to let a marketing opportunity pass them by, have hurriedly organized the Suncoast's "1st Annual Whale Shark Fishing Tournament." First prize of $10,000 will go to the crew of the vessel who drags the bloodied, lifeless carcass of the largest whale shark killed onto the docks at Marina Jack's. In a decidedly ironic twist--for the whale sharks, at least--the prize money for the contest is being donated by BP through a grant from their $20 billion dollar emergency fund.

Conservation groups are outraged by the notion of subjecting a threatened species to even more devastation of the species by humans. Explained one Sarasota Visitor Bureau spokespromoter, "Look, we've squeezed all we could out of that whole 'eco-tourism/save the planet' angle and were looking to go in another direction anyway when these whale sharks got dropped right into our laps. Talk about catching a lucky break! First, BP hands us bucketfuls of money for screwing up the Gulf for all eternity, then, it's BP's oil that's driving these whale sharks straight onto our beaches and into our bank accounts! We stand to make more money from this than if we would have let BP drill right on Siesta beach!!"

Local restaurants have already begun to cash in on the arrival of the friendly creatures and are currently serving up whale shark on their menus, from the Ritz-Carlton's Filet of Whale Shark with Baked Celeriac, Snail Beignets and Girolles to the New Pass Bait Shop and Grill's Fried Whale Shark Sandwich with Fries and Slaw to Captain Curt's New and Improved Award-Winning Clam Chowder, Now Made With Real Whale Shark. Said Beneva Stickney of the New Pass eatery, "Them Whale Shark Sandwiches have been a real big seller for us. We buy it by the truckload. I mean, those babies weigh--what--15 tons or something, right? That's a whole lotta fish to fry, my friend. And they say they're practically washing up on the beach....."

Local angler, Howard "Hook 'em Howie" Frabersnitz, prepares to gaff an exhausted whale shark and tow it into shallower water in order to kill the gentle creature by an agonizingly-tortuous method of suffocation.

Rescued Teen Sailor Says She Was Saved By Amelia Earhart

16-year old Abby Sunderland, the would-be circumnavigatrix feared lost at sea, has been rescued by a French fishing vessel somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Sunderland had lost radio contact with the outside world last week following a storm that disabled her sailboat, The ILuvJustinBieber. Upon picking up Ms. Sunderland, the crew of the French boat immediately surrendered to her, causing a great deal of consternation to the teenager.

Sunderland is now telling a fantastic tale regarding the circumstances of the untimely end of her journey. She says that, during a storm, she ran aground on a small, uncharted island somewhere in the middle of the Indian Ocean.

Exhausted and bedraggled, she struggled ashore to find shelter from the wind and rain, only to be hit in the head by a falling coconut and knocked unconscious. When she came to, she found herself in a ramshackle hut with an elderly woman was tending the gash in her head. The woman fed her soup, gave her dry clothing and nursed her back to health.

The old woman then told Sunderland, "I'll let you in on a secret, young lady. My name is: Amelia Earhart."

The stunned teenager steadied her gaze at the old woman.

"Oh.....

My.......

God.......

Like, are you related to Dale Earnhardt, Jr.??"





"No. Wait, who? No, Earhart. Amelia Earhart, the world-famous flyer who disappeared in 1937 while attempting to fly around the world," replied the old woman, somewhat taken aback.

"Oh, OK. Whatever. I don't suppose you get cell phone reception in this dump, do you? Like, I gotta call my folks back in California, then my boyfriend, then Sea-Tow, then check my e-mail, update my Facebook status from "Fish Food" to "Found Alive", Twitter to my peeps and....."

Taking the babbling young girl by the shoulders, the old woman violently shook her. "Listen, you little snip, I'm Amelia Earhart. I'm famous. People have been wondering what happened to me for over 70 years. And you're the first human being I've seen or talked to in 52 years; ever since that no-good Wiley Post, who couldn't navigate his way down a one-way street, let alone the planet, keeled over dead and left me here alone on this God-forsaken island. I'm Amelia Earhart, dammit....."


"See this picture. This is me, back in the day. I knew kings, queens, presidents and movie stars...."

Sunderland suddenly perked up. "You mean movie stars like Zac and Selena and Miley?"

"Who? No, I mean real stars like Flynn, Cagney and Bogart."

"Never heard of them. They must be pretty lame. Especially if they hung around an old bag like you......"

"OK, that's it. Get the hell off my island, you ungrateful little bitch! Scat! You hear me--get the hell outta here--NOW!"

And with that, the old woman chased her down the dirt road back to where she had secured Sunderland's boat during the storm. As the tide lifted the battered sailboat off the sandbar and carried her back out to sea, Sunderland could see the old lady laughing.

"And don't forget to tell 'em that Amelia Earhart saved you, you snot-nosed little brat! You hear me, Amelia Earhart......"

Mote Marine Tells of Sheen Found Off Siesta Key

Mote Marine scientists report that their research vessel, The Bloated Turtle, has discovered an insidious oily sheen just off the beaches of Siesta Key:

Accordingly, Governor Charlie Crist has declared a state of emergency for Sarasota and Manatee Counties.

Former Local Anchor, Monica Yadav, Selected "Broadcasting Babe of 2010" in Playboy Magazine Poll

In just-released poll results from Playboy Magazine, Sarasota's own Monica Yadav is the upset winner of their highly-coveted "Broadcasting Babe of the Year" award, reinforcing what everybody on the Suncoast knew, except, apparently, for the management of her former employer, WWSB-TV, which had the uncanny foresight to unceremoniously drop the ever-popular Ms. Yadav from their newscasts in March.

WWSB-TV general manager, Harold Frazee III, responsible for terminating the contracts of Ms. Yadav and another popular long-time anchor, Heidi Godman, is the great grandson of theatrical impressario and former Boston Red Sox owner, Harry Frazee. It was Mr. Frazee who sold baseball legend, Babe Ruth, to the New York Yankees in 1920, ostensibly to finance production of a Broadway show, thereby causing the "Curse of the Bambino" to thwart Red Sox pennant chances for over 80 years. Mr. Frazee III used his profits to invest the station heavily in British Petroleum stock.

Mr. Frazee III has since been fired from his position at WWSB-TV.

In a contest traditionally won by a vapid, willowy, blond hottie from the national media, such as previous winner, ESPN's Erin Andrews, Ms. Yadav's surprise victory marks a paradigm shift in how America views TV journalists.

Ms. Yadav, whose name means "beautiful and enchanting tigress which no mere mortal can tame" in Latvian, is now being mentioned as someone who could win Playboy's Triple Crown, a feat which has never been accomplished. The Triple Crown consists of threee contests: "Broadcasting Babe of the Year", "MILF of the Year", and "Most Likely To Go Home With Hef This Year." Insiders have recently hinted that Playboy founder, Hugh Hefner, is said to be tiring of the siliconized, plasticized botox Barbie dolls with which he has been associated and looking for a more classic beauty, with considerably less drama. Yadav is viewed as a 6 to 4 favorite to win it all.

In an instance of art imitating life, Ms. Yadav has inked a contract with ABC-TV to appear in a recurring role on the network's hit comedy, Cougartown, which is depicted as being set in an unnamed Florida town near Sarasota. Her role, a thinly-veiled reference to her own situation, will be as a television journalist who loses her job to a former stripper, only to become a stripper herself when she can't find work in the local media. Hijinks naturally ensue.

Reaction on the Suncoast has been universally in favor of the magazine's decision. Said fellow WWSB alum, Heidi Godman, who was also shown the door by the station, "I'm so glad for Monica. She has single-handedly broken down the barriers for us professional journalists to now be taken seriously as sex objects. I know she'll kick ass on Cougartown. Courtney Cox better watch out....."

Ms. Yadav is said to be mulling over the standing offer for winners of the "Broadcasting Babe of the Year" contest to appear as the centerfold model for the magazine.

As expected, the official announcement from WWSB has been somewhat less effusive. "We here at WWSB-TV congratulate Ms. Yadoff (sic) and wish her well in her future endeavors. And don't forget to watch "Wheel of Fortune" every night at 7:00 PM, right before bedtime."


Sarasota also has the dubious distinction as being the home of the first runner-up in the "Broadcasting Babe of the Year" contest, via the Sarasota News Network:

Woman Sells Drugs Hidden Inside Her Body or The Vagina Catalogs

Authorities have charged Katrina Wade, an inmate at the Charlotte County jail, with selling bags of heroin that were stashed inside her vagina to other inmates. Corrections deputies did not perform a full cavity body search on the suspect when she was brought to the jail, even though the arresting detective was alerted that Wade had up to 100 bags of smack in her snatch. Said one deputy, "We deal with the very worst of society has to offer on a daily basis here. We work with killers, rapists, child molesters and the occasional jaywalker. We go where even the bravest of men fear to tread. But there's just some places even we won't go--and rummaging through that woman's fish farm is one of those places."

Six days after her initial booking into the jail, a contingent of corrections deputies in full haz-mat body gear and a drug-sniffing dog went to Wade's cell to conduct a cavity body search. Prior to the search, the inmate removed a 33-gallon, heavy-duty trash bag from her bajingo containing 12 smaller bags of heroin, at which time the police dog threw up and 2 of the 5 deputies in attendance fainted.

As a result of the examination of Wade's whisker biscuit, deputies said they also retrieved three cartons of cigarettes, several cans of Bud Light, half of a tuna-on-rye sandwich, some mis-matched patio furniture, part of the superstructure of the Deepwater Horizon oil-drilling rig and a rusty Louisiana license plate.

Sheriff's deputies celebrate their safe return from Katrina Wade's full cavity body search, although medical personnel warn that they may suffer bouts of post-traumatic stress disorder later in their lives. One of the men has already been placed on a suicide watch.