New Twist On Crop Circles Comes To Longboat Key

A homeowner on Longboat Key has a mystery on his hands and the town fathers want answers. And an eraser.

The image was first noticed by an airplane flying overhead last Thursday. On a subsequent flight two days later, the pilot noted that the object had increased in size to cover about half the roof. By Monday, the illustration had grown to its current size, covering most of the rooftop area.

The unidentified resident claims he knows nothing of how the mysterious drawing came to appear on his bayfront mansion. "All I know is that it wasn't there last week and nobody's been up on that roof for the three months that I've been back in town," he claims. "I don't get it. I'm a good Catholic; why couldn't it have been an image of some saint or something?"

Space Shuttle Lands In North Port, Sparks Forest Fire

North Port officials didn't get quite the "bang for the buck" they had hoped for when the space shuttle Discovery touched down on Chancellor Boulevard in a sparsely-settled area of the city and ignited a brush fire that quickly got out of control.

North Port City Commissioners had entered into an agreement with NASA to have the shuttle land in the city, rather than its home base of Cape Kennedy, to help celebrate North Port's 50th anniversary. NASA officials had kept the landing secret, in order to maintain security for the touch down on Saturday afternoon.



Sarasota County fire officials said that, as the shuttle hit the pavement, it struck a pothole, causing a spark that apparently ignited an overgrown lawn in front of an abandoned home.

"Wouldn't you think that North Port could have at least patched the potholes in the road that they wanted us to use as a landing strip?" asked one NASA administrator on hand for the landing. "I mean, would that really be too much to ask?"

Instead of a public-relations coup, North Port now appears to be on the hook for any repairs necessary to the space craft caused by the rough landing, as well as the tab to extinguish the 20-acre blaze.

North Port Commissioners immediately authorized code enforcement to identify the owners of the abandoned home where the unmowed and unwatered lawn burst into flames and cite them for failure to maintain their property according to community standards. Said one commissioner, "You can bet your ass that this is one code violation that won't get a fine reduction deal from us."

Arrest is made in 1978 Sarasota killing

Police blame the delay in solving the crime solely on the deliveryman who found the body of John Allaman, Jr. When he called 911 on his cell phone, he apparently told the dispatcher he was at Mourning Dove Road, instead of Mourning Dove Drive in nearby Bird Key.

The only Mourning Dove Road dispatchers found on an old 1965 Texaco map of Florida that one of them had in their station wagon was in East Palatka and sent emergency personnel there. It was only after several years that they realized their error.

It was not until about two years ago that interest in the death was revived, when Allaman's son, John Allaman, came into the Sarasota police station demanding to know what the agency was doing to solve the killing.

Oh, and that last paragraph is true, by the way.....

Bad, Bad Dog

Woman had sex with dogs, police say

By Anthony Cormier

Published: Thursday, March 26, 2009 at 10:41 a.m.

SARASOTA COUNTY — A woman videotaped herself having sex with two dogs and watching child pornography with a friend, authorities say.

Caroline Willette, 53, gave a CD with the images to an acquaintance, who turned it over to police. Willette has been charged with three counts of possessing child porn and remained Wednesday in the Sarasota County Jail.

Willette admitted to detectives that she had sex with the animals in her home and watched young girls perform sex acts on the Internet, an arrest report says.

Why, for the love of God, would you videotape yourself in the middle of a menage-a-dogs? Worse still, why would you think for one second that anybody else would want to see it?

According to Ms. Willette, she's had this canine fantasy ever since she was a teenager, when a Doberman Pinscher. She found it erotically stimulating, but repressed those dark desires, choosing instead to travel the world.

In Europe, she fell in love with a German shepherd. Unfortunately, he was a sheep dog and had no interest in women.

In Denmark, she met a Dane, but soon discovered that he wasn't so great.

She spent time with an Italian Greyhound, but he preferred spending all his time at the track.

Same with the St. Bernard, who would spend his days on the ski slopes and his nights drinking the contents of the little barrel that hung around his neck.

Oh, to be sure, there were spaniels and setters, collies and chow-chows, even a hot-blooded chihuahua, although being such little guy, he didn't have much of a schnauzer on him.

She spent a few months with a short-haired pointer, but left him after she could no longer put up with his constant pointing at other dogs.

The whippet was interesting, but she quickly tired of his sado-masochist fetishes.

She lived for a time with a Siberian, but he ended up having a weight problem--too husky.

Poor Connie was about to resign herself to a life of loneliness, when, there at the mall, she saw him, staring dolefully at her from the window of the pet store. There was magic when their eyes met and electricity when she first took him from his cage and held him close, close enough to smell his puppy breath.

They sniffed each others butts and they both knew it was love. They lived together happily for several years, frolicking in the yard, burying bones, digging up the neighbor's pansies. She had found her true love at last. She even took his last name--Russell.

But, then, a fateful pawing at the door one evening changed all that. It was an old friend of Jack's, someone from the pound where they had shared a pen for a couple nights. He looked dangerous and she begged Jack to turn down his request to stay with them for the night, but he was a pit bull and insisted.

Soon, Connie was his bitch and the three of them spiraled into a life of debauchery. No more walks in the park, no more drives with their heads hanging out the car windows. Every belly rub turned into wild sex.

No longer content with a middle-aged woman, the two dogs began watching puppy porn to satisfy their twisted desires.

And, so, it has come to this.......

"He looked so.....innocent when I first met him. Who knew he would turn out to be such a cur?"

Captain's Orders

Captain's tip of the day: DON'T take your computer to a reputable repair shop to get your hard drive copied when you know it contains 70 or so images of child pornography that you downloaded on it.

Remember all the trouble you got into in the eighth grade when you snapped those photos of your big sister in the shower, then took them to the drug store to get developed when you were a kid? Same idea here, bub.

Only worse. A whole lot worse.

Captain Obvious

Beach Access Confrontation Escalates On Siesta Key

"Let those pasty-faced tourists from Indiana show themselves now." Marianne Page


Marianne Page, angered by tourists walking on "her" beach has taken her battle to the next level by erecting a concrete pillbox in her back yard, complete with a 50 mm cannon. When contacted, Sarasota County Code Enforcement said that all permits were filed and approved, as the structure will not be used as a residence and occupied only during weekend 'invasions.'

Said Mrs. Page, "Apparently swinging my cane at them wasn't enough. They called me 'crazy' and a 'crotchety old woman'. They want a war? I'll give them a war they won't believe...."

With that, she tied a black bandanna around her forehead and disappeared into the concrete gun emplacement.

Sarasota Realtors Introduce New Marketing Test For Homebuyers

Is now the time to buy that little oceanfront bungalow you've been dreaming about?

The Sarasota/Manatee Board of Realtors has just released a comprehensive test for potential buyers to determine whether or not NOW would be the right time for them to buy a new home in the area.

The quiz was developed by Zgoda Marketing from Detroit, MI and has been used extensively in that area to spark home buying, which is up 14% since the test was introduced several months ago.

The questions focus on income, education, home requirements, desired options and a myriad of other queries that have been scientifically formulated to select the optimum time to buy a home.

A very abbreviated overview quiz can give you an idea if now is the time for YOU:

1. Are you now breathing?
2. Are you now or have you ever in the past received payment for something you've done?
3. Can you read and/or write?
4. Can you sign your name or make your mark?
5. Do you have credit?
6. Do you have relatives with credit?
7. Do you know anybody with credit?

Upon answering these questions, you will be directed to this website to evaluate your score as to whether or not TODAY is the right time to purchase YOUR new dream home here on the Suncoast.