Waterfront Homeowner Fires Opening Salvo In Fight To Save His View

Taking his cue from the success of the elite waterfront homeowners who have brought the restoration of the many spoil islands to a complete standstill because they fear removing the existing non-native plant life and replacing it with slower-growing native species that would be beneficial to, not only the quality of Sarasota's onshore Gulf waters, but the overall health of our entire bayfront ecosystem as well, Poshol Nahuj of Siesta Key has escalated his viewfront vendetta to a new level.

Late Tuesday afternoon, Mr. Nahuj fired a short-range missile from his front yard into the We're Only Here For A Short Time Nursing Home and Glue Factory located just off Main Street near downtown Sarasota. The missile, equipped with a non-nuclear warhead, blasted a cavernous opening in the structure, decimating floors 4 through 11 and leaving the 12th floor virtually inhabitable due to the danger of imminent collapse.



Rescue crews have pulled dozens of bodies from the rubble and the injured are being treated in rudimentary makeshift facilities, owing to the fact that most Florida hospital rooms are already occupied by Haitian refugees. Nearby states have refused to accept those wounded in Tuesday's blast, citing Charlie Crist's attempt to paint himself as a fiscally-badass Republican by effectively shutting down the federal airlift by refusing to accept anymore injured Haitians until Crist was assured of payment by the Obama administration.

Now other states' leaders are jumping on that bandwagon and refusing to treat injured Floridians. Said one unidentfied politico from South Carolina, "We understand Gov. Crist is in a fight for his political life down there, trying to one-up his opponent in the race for senator, Marco Rubio, by taking this hardline approach, but, hey, if Charlie wants to be a dick, he has to accept the crabs that come with that role from time to time."

When reached at his palatial north Siesta Key mansion, Mr. Nahuj explained his actions as follows: "When I buy house, real estate lady say I have view of downtown, that is why house cost so much. I look, I look, I don't see downtown for nothing. She say I have to climb on roof and stand on tiptoes to see downtown, but it still counts for premium charge for view."

"I say 'OK' because I have lied to get my way plenty of times in my country so this is OK with me. Brother Yuri brings me missile from Afghanistan Surplus Store in Moscow--he tells man at airport screening in New York that it is firework for agricultural use only and is legal in Florida, man says "I know, I get cherry bombs from grandparents in Florida every 4th of July, so is OK" and lets him through."

"So yesterday, Yuri and I shoot missile to make view for downtown. Whole building was supposed to fall down, but you know how undependable and cheap Russian missiles are. Hole in building is nice, but now I demand city take down rest of building so I have better view or I don't donate to nobody's re-election. I tell them, 'Maybe Poshol Nahuj run for city commissioner....' I get my way, you wait and see. They no want Poshol to be in their club, is for sure."

"I am sorry for all people who die and get hurt, but in my country, you take what is yours. Real estate lady tell me I pay for view, then I get view. Now I can see from water on one side of house and downtown on other side of house. Now, you people here: GET THE HELL OFF MY LAWN OR I KILL YOU ALL! Time for Poshol to go swim in his ocean he buy."