Steinbrenner Enters Heaven, Fires St. Peter, Others May Be On Chopping Block

George Steinbrenner is shaking things up in death, just as he did in life. Steinbrenner, who passed away on July 13th, was initially sent to Hell, where his soul was to spend eternity in fire and damnation.

But after a brief meeting with Satan, Steinbrenner was ushered out of Hell and transferred to Heaven. Said Satan, "Whoever came up with that saying, "Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over," George is who they were talking about. I've had a lot of hard cases show up on my doorstep, but this was one soul I can do without down here."

"George demanded a meeting with me as soon as he got here. Not even a "Where am I?" or a "There must be some mistake..." or even a "Please, I'll do anything...." I've been a fan of George's for many years, but I was really unprepared for the hard-nosed negotiations from him. What sealed the deal for me, personally, was when he mentioned all the souls that he was responsible for sending here to Hell. It's pretty widely-known that all Yankees, past and present, end up in Hell. They just do, even if it's for that attitude of theirs. I'd say about 90% of their fans are here, too. Yeah, we got a big Yankee section down here."

"So, I'm about 3 hours in with this guy and I'm thinking, "You know, if I give him a transfer to Heaven, I bet that'll set those goody-two shoes up there back a thousand years. And, they gotta take him, 'cause they're like that up there. I wish I could have been there when he showed up at the Pearly Gates....."

God, who seems a bit perplexed by Steinbrenner's brash manner, is still trying to get a handle on his new arrival. "Realize, of course, that we don't usually get souls of George's demeanor. We're more into the whole "blessed are the meek" thing. He just kind of bullied me into getting rid of St. Peter and putting in turnstiles, saying, "At Yankee Stadium, we don't turn anybody away, as long as they can pony up the price of admission."

Steinbrenner fires St. Peter, tells St. Gabriel that Heaven will be replacing his trumpet solos with the organist from the old Polo Grounds. "Organ music--that's how we did it in New York!"

"I must admit," God continued, "I probably should have paid more attention to George, but I've been pretty busy up here trying to keep those idiots on Earth from killing themselves. And, I must confess, I'm not really much of a baseball fan. Especially the Yankees. I mean, come on, would you really expect God to be a Yankees fan? Seriously?"

"So, I'm just not sure where we go from here. I'm almost afraid that he IS going to take over Heaven. Then what? This whole place will go to Hell, if you'll pardon my French. I guess I should get an attorney, but, as you can surmise, we don't get a lot of attorneys here in Heaven, either."

"Listen, I'm not talking to no archangel. I want to see God and I want to see Him NOW!! Get outta my way, you little fairy........"