Colony Resort On Longboat To Become Yoder's Amish Trailer Park

The venerable Colony Beach and Tennis Resort is to close its doors this weekend, as announced at a tearful news conference by the long-time owners and Sarasota society fixtures, Murray "Murf" Klauber and his daughter, Katherine Klauber Moulton.  They recounted stories of celebrity guests and good times at the famous Gulfside resort for the gathered throng of reporters, until they were unceremoniously hustled from the hotel's ballroom by the new owners, the Yoder family of Sarasota.

"Shoosh, now.  You've gone on long enough.  Time to go, you should.  There is much to be done," said Grandma Yoder, matriarch of the clan

A local Amish family with several eateries specializing in home-made comfort food, the Yoders look to take the resort in a decidedly different direction by catering to the Amish and Mennonite families, both those that flock here every winter and those who live here full-time.

Spokesman for the family, Philander Yoder, described the family's plan for the beach resort.  "As our target demographic will be the so-called "plain people," we intend to demolish the hotel, the out buildings and all the pavement and landscaping and put in individual trailers on a nice gravel lane, just like we're used to, so as not to draw attention to ourselves."

"We also plan to remove the first 9 holes of the golf course and plant vegetables; the back 9 we'll use to graze the livestock, saving just enough room for a couple horseshoe pits and, of course, shuffleboard."

"We plan our hiring a full staff comprised of our family and extended family members to run the resort, from the cooking and cleaning to the beach staff."

'Even the lifeguards will be Yoders."

"We envision a place where members of our community can come to relax and just be themselves.  To let their bonnets down, so to speak, without outsiders gawking at us or flaunting an excess of skin around our young ones."

"A safe place where they can stroll the beach and not be accosted by the evils of the outside world, like Speedos on men and string bikinis on the girls.  Or is it the other way around????"

"Some place you can bring your mama, even if she's Old Order Amish, and not have her faint at the sight of flesh."

"We'll have parking for about 700 bicycles, as well as about a hundred horse and buggies, with a full livery service, of course.  We don't expect any issues with zoning or compliance, considering that, without electricity, the resort will pretty much shut down.  Until dawn, when our roosters start crowing....."