The sun always shines in Sarasota.........
#10. Homeless Population Non-Existent: Sarasota officials tout lack of homeless on city streets, say that the cost of busing them to North Port and Bradenton is more than offset by the increased spending at local businesses by tourists, plus not having to feed and house them in the local lock-up. The homeless, I mean; not the tourists.
#9. Ground Zero for Ponzi Schemes: Sarasota has become mecca for "those who dare to dream big." Local college offers courses "Introductory Ponzi" and "Intermediate Ponzi", taught by Art Nadel and Beau Diamond via videoconference from their respective prison cells and "Buying and Selling Real Estate to Friends and Family to Drive Up Prices, Then Leaving the Country Before You Can Be Indicted" by Neil Mohammed Husani, via videoconference from somewhere in Amman, Jordan.
#8. Bank Failures: Banking industry claims too much competition was bad for business, encouraged some bankers to make ridiculous loans, knowing they were scams and were sure to fail, to line pockets of loan originators before banks crashed and burned. County now inviting out-of-town banks in to fill void and bring fresh money.
#7. Mortgage Brokers Scatter Like Roaches: Economy collapses under weight of greedy developers, lack of oversight by banks and wannabe real estate flippers, all looking to get rich. Mortgage brokers were more than happy to drive that bus. No more money, no more real estate deals, no more mortgage brokers.
#6. Mooring Field A Smashing Success: Well-heeled boaters and yachtsmen flocked to the newly-remodeled Sarasota Bay to be the first to enjoy the upscale resort atmosphere offered by Marina Jack's "Le Bassin de Nautique," paid for entirely by the taxpayers of Sarasota. Mooring balls failed testing, contractor claims that no one told him that cinder blocks tied to the end of ropes would not be sufficient and demanded another $462,000 for more cinder blocks. City taking demand under advisement.
#5. Google Installs High-Speed Internet: Sarasota was selected as the winner in Google's fiber optic sweepstakes after then-mayor, Dick Clapp, was torn apart on live TV by ravenous sharks after jumping into their tank at Mote Marine to attract the attention of Google's selection committee execs choosing a city to receive experimental high-speed internet. Shark handler, Edna Buxbaum, says she got all wrapped up playing Zuma on her cell phone and forgot to feed the sharks.
#4. Red Sox Spurn Ft. Myers for Sarasota: Boston Red Sox owners, impressed with leadership and vision of local politicians, break their just-negotiated lease and pull out of Lee County Stadium in the dead of night. But not before stealing the plumbing fixtures, air conditioning units and door hardware from their former clubhouse. Unruly Boston fans overwhelm newly-remodeled Shannon Staub Stadium, setting fire to the $12 million replica of the Green Monster when Sox lose first game.
#3. Julian Assange Welcomed to City: Wikileaks founder and international persona non grata, Julian Assange was given the key to the city and a check for $3.5 million seed money from the Economic Development Council to build WikiWorld, a proposed theme park based on Wikileaks. Attractions to include the Foreign Relations Roller Coaster, the International Espionage Merry-Go-Round and the sure-to-be-popular State Department Shake, Rattle & Roll, billed as "a crazy, wacky ride around the world in cars bearing a country's flag where riders guess who their friends are this week in an attempt to avoid a global nuclear holocaust."
#2. Hurricane Strikes City: A powerful Category 5 storm, dubbed Hurricane Hoffman, slammed into Sarasota this past summer with a direct hit on the city's fabled bayfront, obliterating the contentious Unconditional Surrender statue of a sailor kissing a nurse, then, miraculously, dissipating instantly before crossing Gulfsream Blvd., sparing downtown. Workers later found the the wreckage of the sailor several miles inland at the National Cemetery, while the statue of the nurse was found, incredibly, intact and standing upright in front of Sarasota Memorial Hospital. Unfortunately, two days later the statue was knocked over and destroyed when 87-year old Mildred Mrdjenivich plowed into it on her way to bingo.
#1. Real Estate Market Rebounds: Realtors are ecstatic about the dramatic upswing in home prices. Developers and home builders are working round-the-clock to meet the pent-up demand of anxious homebuyers. Economic experts are absolutely positive that home values will skyrocket to pre-recession levels in the second quarter of 2011, making right now:
THE TIME TO BUY THAT DREAM HOME YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED!!!!!!!!!
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