Financially Strapped, Sarasota County To Sell Public Beaches To Developers

In an effort to save the county from financial disaster, as well as to save their own political lives, the Sarasota County Commission has voted unanimously to re-plat all the county's public beach holdings and sell them to the highest bidder. While acknowledging the desparation of this action, one commissioner said, "We understand that this decision will be unpopular with some of our citizens, namely those losers who can't afford to buy any of the newly-released beachfront property. But those who can are going to love us, as are our realtors, developers and the county's creditors and those are the people who paid to put us in office and we are beholden to those people. Those "other" people--the taxpayers--just complain and criticize anyway, so the hell with them. It's time we politicians took a stand....."

Mrs. Baxley Austell and daughter Lavonia, visiting from Tallapoosa, GA, were arrested, handcuffed and taken away shortly after this photo was taken and charged with criminal trespass and the unlawful taking of sea shells from a private beach.

Said one resident as workers installed a chain link fence across the entrance to the Siesta Key beach parking lot, "We knew this is the direction the commissoners were headed when they failed to take any action regarding signs, barriers, rabid pit bulls and other deterrents designed to keep us beachgoers from walking on sand that is being claimed by those with property rights that, according to the owners, stretch out to the 15-mile limit where the waters then become Federal property."

"I guess the good news is that the property owners are at least putting up signs warning the public about the guard dogs they have patrolling the beach now."

Commented one unidentified commissioner, "You know the old real estate saying that goes, 'Beachfront property is expensive because God's not making any more of it?' When we decided to sell off this public beach, I felt a little like God. And it felt good!"

"We need our beaches to remain a draw for the two economic engines that drive this county," the commissioner continued, "namely, the tourists and the people with money. Without them, we'd be just another backwater blip on the map, instead of being the Cultural Capital of the West Coast."

Sarasota is apparently not the only municipality with beach access that has decided to turn a profit from selling formerly-public land. North along the Suncoast, these signs greeted drivers who tried to drive across the bridges at the north and south ends of Longboat Key.

The Town Commission of Longboat Key approved the revised expansion plan of the Longboat Key Club & Resort Islandside to take over the entire island. Residents were shocked to find eviction notices being affixed to their front doors this morning as the Key Police Dept. began the odious chore of explaining to homeowners that their property had been seized during the night by virtue of eminent domain and that, as of 2:30am this morning, they were trespassing on private property belonging to the Longboat Key Club.

When contacted, Longboat officials again cited economic needs. "When we found out that Sarasota was selling its public beaches, we went to the Longboat Key Club and offered them an expansion of their expansion plans. We understand that they intend to petition the state to change the name of the island itself to 'Longboat Key Club.'"

Private citizens up and down the Suncoast were outraged that their governments had acted so brazenly, essentially barring ordinary citizens from accessing the beaches. Said one commissioner, "Don't think for one minute that we're not sensitive to the needs of the taxpayers. It's just that we're more sensitive to our needs. We're hoping that one or more of those condominiums on the beach will operate some small smidgen of sand as a pay beach or offer discounted rates to locals, at least during the off season."

A proposal is already underway by the current and future beachfront property owners to petition the county, the state and the federal governments to pay for an extensive beach renourishment program. Said one condominium owner, "I'm a taxpayer. I'm entitled to more beach. I just don't want those barges and pipes screwing up my view while they're doing it though. And no noise, either!"

One local Point of Rocks resident was seen installing these signs in the sand along her stretch of paradise.

Sarasota's New College Launches New Study Major: YouTube

Sarasota's elite bastion of education, New College, has unveiled its latest tool in advancing the higher education for some of America's most independent thinkers: YouTube.

Touted by the school as an "educational forum to showcase the vibrant academic and campus life at New College," it is hoped that the videos featured on the site will also be a high tech platform to generate interest in not only New College, but Sarasota and the greater Suncoast itself. College administrators and civic leaders alike are enthusiastic that the video collaboration with the media giant will attract new students, as well as new donors, to the school.

One video features a pre-law class, which is a relatively new course of study for the school and is designed to take advantage of the local boom in legal services, such as high-profile divorces, shielding shady investment brokers, filing foreclosures and fighting the installment of red-light cameras by the city:



The Interpretive Dance curriculum is recognized worldwide as one of the premier rhythm and movement programs, developing tomorrow's cutting edge dance artists here on the Suncoast:



The sciences are well represented at New College, as future researchers, technicians and engineers are trained in the school's state-of-the-art science labs:



Nothing personifies New College more than its committment to preserving the environment. Courses in alternative energy sources have yielded numerous break-throughs in the ongoing green revolution, but none quite as spectacularly successful as the Wind Turbine Design program:



Classroom protocol, while perhaps less than rigorous than some institutions, nevertheless fosters an intense learning environment through innovative teaching methods:



Realizing that the college experience is more than rigorous academics, other videos show the social aspect of the school. Here, the New College Voices demonstrate their talents, wowing the halftime crowd at a sold-out frisbee football game featuring the New College Nerf Dogs vs. the newly-renamed State College of Florida Nondescripts:



Dorm life at New College is an extraordinary experience for students, featuring plush accomodations overlooking the Gulf of Mexico and fine cuisine in the tastefully appointed dining room, where students enjoy the socialization with their peers and the freeflow of ideas:


New College: Where everybody's a star. For fifteen minutes. Maybe even longer.

Lawyer Gets Extreme Makeover For Client Accused Of Murder; Call It The 'Max Factor'

Defense attorney, Bjorn Brunvand, has convinced Pasco Circuit Judge Michael Andrews that his client, self-professed neo-Nazi John Ditullio Jr., to spend up to $125 a day to hire a makeup artist to cover facial tattoos on the accused killer to preclude any notion that Ditullio is anything but an average, peace-loving model citizen.

Thank you, taxpayers!

Ditullio, on trial in New Port Richey for the stabbing death of Kristofer King and attempted murder of Patricia Wells, who was slashed repeatedly before the attacker fatally stabbed 17-year old King, a friend of her son. Ditullio is a member of the American Nazis, who maintain a stylish compound in Pasco County that is modeled after Der Fuhrer's beloved Eagle's Nest retreat in Berchtesgaden, Germany. Except that this little slice of Nazi heaven consists of a motley collection of rundown trailers covered in swastikas at the end of a dead end street. The Alps it ain't. Police believe the two victims were targeted for violence because Wells associated with a black man and King was a homosexual.

The makeup artist was charged with blotting out a swastika tattoo on the right side of Ditullio's neck, an expletive on the left side of his neck, a strand of barbed wire on his right cheek and forehead and a teardrop under his left eye, as seen in this photo:

Way to not draw attention to yourself, mein dummkopf.

For the first day of jury selection, Ditullio showed up looking remarkably different. "It's amazing what a little bit of makeup can do for some people," said the man responsible, Tydd St. Giles, who is on loan from Walt Disney World, where he does the makeup for Cinderella, Belle, Ariel, Sleeping Beauty, Dumbo and several other Disney princesses. "I think Johnny D (St. Giles pet nickname for Ditullio) has such fabulous bone structure and skin tone that it makes him easy to work with. Great raw materials. And when you get him to smile, he just lights up the room. See what I mean:

"We went with the sassy look for the first day," the makeup artist continued. "Johnny has that mischievious nature and I wanted to reflect that with the kicky, casual hairstyle, the touch of dark roots peeking out from the crown, the big silver hoop earrings, set off by the serious tone of the black coat over the black turtleneck, which hides the eye-catching, yet possibly prejudicial tattoo of barbed wire and oozing blood on his upper chest. He is, after all, on trial for first-degree murder. I also chose to go with "These Lips Don't Lie" lip gloss, playful, sexy, yet classy."

"The attorney said it might be too much of a change, too dramatic for the jury to take him seriously, so for the second day we toned it down a smidge. We softened the hair so it wasn't so brassy, we combed it down so it fell just below his shoulders, draped it over his right eye to lend that air of mystery and changed the lip gloss to something more subdued and refined. I also went with a lighter shade of foundation, since Johnny thought he looked less Aryan and didn't want to give his brothers the wrong impression. We stayed with the black over black theme for his ensemble because, well, because, like I said before, he is, after all, on trial for a senseless and brutal murder."

"But, over all, I think it works, don't you? I definitely see a little bit of Snow White in him."

An Open Letter Of Apology To Mr. Timotheus Richard (the Lionhearted) Tebow

To: Tim Tebow, his extended family, his heirs and assigns, his attorneys, his agent, the NCAA, the NFL, members of the F*O*R*M*E*R*L*Y #1-ranked University of Florida football team, the UF student body and its alumni, all of Gatornation, casual followers of collegiate athletics, Baptists, Pentecostals, Evangelicals, Eldrick and Elin Woods, all future Mrs. Tebows and, especially, YOU, Mr. or Ms. Anonymous:

Mea culpa. I have sinned.

I do hereby retract and renounce everything I said in the previous installment of this wretched, hate-filled sinkhole of a blog. In a feeble and misguided attempt at humor, I inadvertently sullied and besmirched the sterling reputation of Mr. Tebow. Moreover, I grovelingly apologize to anyone of the four people who have had occasion to read this poor drivel. I have been sufficiently chastised and admonished and I have seen the light!

Can I get an "amen?"

In response to my previous post, I received this scathing rebuke in the comment section:

Anonymous said...
Hey, come on this is just absolutely ridiculous. For you to post something like this and try and accuse Tim of drinking, exposure, and worse things that i can not even say, is insane. Everything you wrote is false, even your picture is a fake. i mean seriously, come on. I have spent hours researching Tim Tebow after their loss to alabama and nothing backs you up. The gators lost this game, but in the end it all comes down to the more important things. Tim Tebow is a great guy, one that sets an example to everyone. He is truly a man after God's own heart. You can see it in him everytime you see him, hear him, etc. He loves the Lord, and proves it through his life. Tim has been an inspiration to me, an encouragement, and has given me the heart to be on fire for God even more than i ever had. He's given me courage to be strong around those who persecute me for my faith in Jesus Christ. I don't care what anyone says about me, infact, i have this desire to reach out to my friends even more. I know i am not the only one, their are many, many, more who have been touched by Tim. Tebow is truly a great big brother, and one that's loved. He has showed unbelievable strength not only physically, but spiritually. He has an amazing story, a love so great, and most of all he's a man after God's own heart. So with that being said, everything said against Tebow is only persecution and attacks, but all it does is build one up even stronger. The Lord has a way of doing that. The gator's may have lost one game, and even if they lost all their games, that doesn't matter, they'll always be my favorite. Tim, the coach, and the team have done a great job. And in my book, they're WINNERS! Tim will always be my favorite football player and overall, a blessing... Thanks Tim Tebow!!! You'll always be in my prayers and God Bless you!....

People often think i am crazy with my choice, but when i decided i didn't have anyone i really caared for, i guess i just started looking.....

PS What you did was not satire, but slander.

And, so it shall be, henceforth from this day forward.

Can you please call off the plagues now?

1. Turning the water into blood in the retention pond behind the house has killed all the fish and the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission is asking me a lot of uncomfortable questions,


2. The frogs are getting out of hand, as they are all through the house and I'm feeling all warty,


3. The lice are awful, but I guess it's better than having crabs,


4. I have six bug zappers in the house and they can't keep up with all the flies,


5. Now the guy who grazes his cattle in Palmer Ranch is accusing me of murdering his livestock,


6. My health plan doesn't cover being infected with these festering boils,


7. The hailstorm has just shredded the pool cage,


8. Locusts have denuded every green thing in the entire neighborhood and the Homeowner's Association is up in arms,


9. These last three days of darkness are not doing much for my tan, and, worst of all,


10. Some kid showed up at my door today saying he was my long, lost first-born son that I never knew I had and then he dropped over dead!

Enough with the plagues, already. I said that you won. You're right, I'm wrong.

Although...........

sat-ire (n.) 1. use of wit to criticize behavior: the use of wit, especially irony, sarcasm, and ridicule

slan-der (n.) 1. false and damaging statement: a false and malicious statement that damages somebody's reputation

Ergo, if I thought I was being witty (which I did, but then, I am easily amused) and since your opinion of Master Tim's reputation was not diminished by reading my post, ipso facto, corpus dilecti, it should be considered satire and not slander, as you so slanderously suggested, you slanderer!

I will, however, agree 113% (allowing for inflation) with one of your last statements, to wit: "People often think i (sic) am crazy...."

Why, yes; yes, I do.

Florida Quarterback Tim Tebow Goes On Drunken Bender After Loss To Alabama

University of Florida officials confirmed that star quarterback, Tim Tebow, was, in fact, involved in an alcohol-fueled brawl on campus and is currently being held in the Gainesville jail on various charges ranging from public drunkeness, assault, vandalism, inciting a riot, destruction of property, sexual battery, resisting arrest and conduct unbecoming a saint, among others.

Visibly distraught as he left the field of play and choking back tears at a post-game interview, Tebow refused to shower or change his uniform prior to boarding the team bus for the trip back to Gainesville. Teammates said that he sat by himself and did not speak to anyone for the duration of the trip.

Upon their arrival to the UF campus, he angrily pushed his way through the subdued crowd that had gathered to welcome the team home and went directly to Gatorland Liquors on E. Spurrier St., where he purchased a large quantity of alcohol and several packs of cigarettes. Surveillance cameras also showed Tebow securing an unknown amount of illegal narcotics from a low-level drug dealer near the liquor store.

Witnesses say they saw Tebow drinking heavily late into the night in several downtown bars. He was reportedly ejected from two establishments following altercations with other patrons and ordered to leave another when he discovered that he had wandered into a gay bar and began chastising those present, telling them that "God hates them" and they were all "going to hell," this in spite of having just been seen openly kissing and fondling several male patrons at the club.

Gaineville police were called to an off-campus housing complex after residents phoned in several complaints of a naked man wearing only football shoulder pads urinating in their fountain, exposing himself and groping female passers-by. Police were unable to locate the suspect, who had fled on foot into the complex.

Authorities eventually found Tebow passed out on the couch in a sorority house back on campus, covered in empty beer cans and clutching several trophies from the sorority's field hockey and lacrosse intramural teams. "It was kinda cute when he started telling stories about how he won this trophy or that trophy," said Muffy Morganstern, "but when he puked all over our couch and then passed out on it, it was kinda gross, you know? Now, we just want him gone."

When Gainesville police attempted to remove the besotted gridiron star from the sorority, Tebow became aggressive, telling the officers that he would "smite them in the name of righteousness." Following a brief struggle, he momentarily escaped from the grasp of the police and, in an incendiary display of broken field running, juked around an overstuffed chair and crashed directly into a large table, injuring his leg. When officers finally handcuffed Tebow, he was cursing loudly, complaining about "lazy, lard-ass linemen" and "a breakdown in pass protection."

"'It's not my fault, it's not my fault, it wasn't supposed to end this way' he kept mumbling, as we loaded him into the patrol car," said an arresting officer.

Sarasota Police Review Board Meeting Erupts In Violence, Votes 7-5 To Call Hillsborough Sheriff's Dept. For Help Instead Of Sarasota PD

Sarasota politicians, in particular City Manager, Robert Bartolotta, sensing some citizen unease with the manner in which justice is dispensed in the city, recently formed a Police Advisory Panel to investigate police procedure and protocol. Sparked by the outcry over the controversial public drunkeness arrest and subsequent mishandling of an attempted $400 payoff to the non-English speaking offender to waive any future litigation against the city, Bartolotta asked the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office to conduct a thorough and impartial investigation of the actions of the Sarasota PD, as only a fraternal law enforcement office could.

The HCSO, of course, found their brother officers at the Sarasota PD without culpability, although their report hinted ever so slightly at some minor lapses in judgement. Bartolotta, with his finger on the pulse of the community and fearing a wholesale uprising, not to mention the loss of his job, fired one patrol officer, reprimanded some others, docked the chief a couple weeks pay and pronounced the matter resolved.

City commissioners, however, decided to form the review board after it was apparent that the matter was not resolved. In a break from their usual ploy of hiring a consultant whenever there's a problem involving city government, they organized a volunteer panel, but hired three well-paid technical advisors to shepherd the volunteers.

The panel, made up of individuals with diverse ethnic and socio-economic backgrounds, has a 6-month time frame in which to solve the police department's ills, if, in fact, there are any to be found. The board faced its first crisis when one member suggested that they should accompany officers on 'ride alongs' as they patrol the streets of the city.

Said panel member, Mr. Biggie Hustla, reknowned gangbanger, "Yo, I already knows the cops is killaz. I ain't got to go for no ride along wit dem to see dat, dawg. I been on enough ride alongs wit dem already, if you knows what I mean, yo."

Representing the Hispanic community, Mr. Hector Gonzalez-Gonzalez de Fuego Martinez de Carlos Pena O'brien, offered that, like Mr. Hustla, he, too, felt that ride alongs with the police were a non-effective use of the board members' time. He didn't actually use those exact words, or any words, for that matter, but everyone in the room took his savage, penetrating glower to mean that.

Police activist and outspoken law enforcement supporter, Officer Billy Bob Lamarr, told the others that police ride alongs would enhance their understanding of the often-volatile situations in which officers find themselves. "You come along with me some night on patrol," he said, " and we'll bust some heads, we'll kick some ass, we'll teach some of these rat-bastard punks to respect the law, all right. It's easy pickings at the DUI checkpoint outside of the Friday night bingo game at St. Euthanasius. Those blue-haired old biddies won't know what hit them."

Board member, Vizo 'Shorty Redbone' Rusmenko, current juvenile offender and future head of the local chapter of the Russian mob in Sarasota, wanted to ensure that the city's criminal youth would not be given short shrift in the discussion. "I'll bust a cap in the ass of any you bitches that says I got it easy 'cause I'm a kid. You hear me? I mean it. Quit looking at me, pus face! Mr. Chairman, he's looking at me......."

Panel chairperson and aspiring music entrepreneur, DJ Jiggy Bee Bizzle Blang-Thang (Reginald Van Winterburn, of the Longboat Key Winterburns), said that the Sarasota Police Dept. would receive a fair and unbiased critique of their actions from the review board. "Let me assure the people of Sarasota that this assemblage of fair-minded citizens will endeavor to remain impartial, unprejudiced and without preclusion, in order to arrive at a just and reasonable course of action for city government to initiate. Fo' sho', y'all."

Respect the grill.............

Up Is Down, In Is Out, Cats And Dogs Living Together; It Must Be Sarasota

In another sure sign of either (a) the imminent return of Sarasota to its halcyon days of making twisted social logic seem somehow normal, or (b) the looming cataclysmic apocalypse which will end life on earth as we know it, the polar opposites of the Ritz-Carlton Hotel and a Goodwill Store have achieved planetary alignment to signal one or the other. Or maybe both.

First, the Ritz has acknowledged the presence of a global economic downturn. But, the really big news is that haute hotel has announced that because of that global economic downturn, they are offering an alternative to their $37.50/two martini 'executive' lunch special: burgers and shakes.

And not those $150 Kobe burgers either, we're talking $6-$9 burgers, dogs and shakes at the quaintly named Bayview Burger Bar, located on their waterfront patio. "In a nod to the workingmen of old," said the Ritz-Carlton Vice-President of Haughtiness, Llewelyn Hucclecote-Tewkesbury, "we have faithfully reproduced a typical American burger joint where our extensive research has shown that workingmen formerly patronized, although, naturally, we hope to God that no actual workingmen would frequent our establishment."

Special hypo-allergenic dust and grease developed by Disney Studios is used throughout the blue-collar bistro to recreate authenticity. Watch out! Every half-hour, an animatronic cockroach scurries across the floor to the delight of patrons.

Hucclecote-Tewksebury noted that the prices of the sandwiches did not include condiments, buns, plates, silverware or table service, which were an additional charge, as were glasses, straws and napkins for the milkshakes. A $15 surcharge would also be added to the valet parking service for Bayview patrons.

Just as strange as it is for the Ritz-Carlton to be soft-pedaling its glitz and glamor, another institution at the other end of the economic spectrum is attempting to burnish its image. Long an embarrassment to the conspicuous consumption that made Sarasota what it is today, Goodwill Industries has recently converted one of its stores into an art gallery. Of sorts.

The Goodwill Store along Clark Rd., now known as Le Galleria d'Arte de Benevolenza, will offer artwork donated by some of Sarasota's toniest collectors, who were forced to flee town when authorities began to close in on their various fraudulent enterprises, from our beloved- rogue securities scammers to mortgage malfeasants to real estate rapscallions.

The renovation of the site, including the ornate gardens and imported fountains and statuary on the surrounding exquisitely-manicured lawn, topped the $7 million mark, which was funded by a grant from the Help the Sarasota Homeless Coalition.

Manager of the new galleria, Castiglione Chiaverase, led the rapt audience of reporters through the newly-remodeled store. "There are those short-sighted individuals in our community that would take exception to spending $7 million to update a Goodwill Store. I can assure you that those individuals were not invited here today," said Chiaverase.

Visitors enter the new Goodwill Store through its dramatic grand foyer, replete with imported Italian marble flooring and original statuary.

A view of a secondary hallway off the main gallery, which connects to the Italianate Revival donation drop-off porte-cochere.

When one reporter asked how there could be three seemingly-identical Matisse Still Life With Geraniums, all tagged as originals and signed by the artist, each for sale at $29.95, Chiaverase sniffed, "This is Sarasota, sir. We do not question our benefactors. If they say our investments will earn 60% yearly or that these are all originals, we take them at their word."