Saturday, December 5, 2009

Florida Quarterback Tim Tebow Goes On Drunken Bender After Loss To Alabama

University of Florida officials confirmed that star quarterback, Tim Tebow, was, in fact, involved in an alcohol-fueled brawl on campus and is currently being held in the Gainesville jail on various charges ranging from public drunkeness, assault, vandalism, inciting a riot, destruction of property, sexual battery, resisting arrest and conduct unbecoming a saint, among others.

Visibly distraught as he left the field of play and choking back tears at a post-game interview, Tebow refused to shower or change his uniform prior to boarding the team bus for the trip back to Gainesville. Teammates said that he sat by himself and did not speak to anyone for the duration of the trip.

Upon their arrival to the UF campus, he angrily pushed his way through the subdued crowd that had gathered to welcome the team home and went directly to Gatorland Liquors on E. Spurrier St., where he purchased a large quantity of alcohol and several packs of cigarettes. Surveillance cameras also showed Tebow securing an unknown amount of illegal narcotics from a low-level drug dealer near the liquor store.

Witnesses say they saw Tebow drinking heavily late into the night in several downtown bars. He was reportedly ejected from two establishments following altercations with other patrons and ordered to leave another when he discovered that he had wandered into a gay bar and began chastising those present, telling them that "God hates them" and they were all "going to hell," this in spite of having just been seen openly kissing and fondling several male patrons at the club.

Gaineville police were called to an off-campus housing complex after residents phoned in several complaints of a naked man wearing only football shoulder pads urinating in their fountain, exposing himself and groping female passers-by. Police were unable to locate the suspect, who had fled on foot into the complex.

Authorities eventually found Tebow passed out on the couch in a sorority house back on campus, covered in empty beer cans and clutching several trophies from the sorority's field hockey and lacrosse intramural teams. "It was kinda cute when he started telling stories about how he won this trophy or that trophy," said Muffy Morganstern, "but when he puked all over our couch and then passed out on it, it was kinda gross, you know? Now, we just want him gone."

When Gainesville police attempted to remove the besotted gridiron star from the sorority, Tebow became aggressive, telling the officers that he would "smite them in the name of righteousness." Following a brief struggle, he momentarily escaped from the grasp of the police and, in an incendiary display of broken field running, juked around an overstuffed chair and crashed directly into a large table, injuring his leg. When officers finally handcuffed Tebow, he was cursing loudly, complaining about "lazy, lard-ass linemen" and "a breakdown in pass protection."

"'It's not my fault, it's not my fault, it wasn't supposed to end this way' he kept mumbling, as we loaded him into the patrol car," said an arresting officer.


  1. It'll be OK. I'm sure The Lord told him to do it, and who is he to argue?

  2. Hey, come on this is just absolutely ridiculous. For you to post something like this and try and accuse Tim of drinking, exposure, and worse things that i can not even say, is insane. Everything you wrote is false, even your picture is a fake. i mean seriously, come on. I have spent hours researching Tim Tebow after their loss to alabama and nothing backs you up. The gators lost this game, but in the end it all comes down to the more important things. Tim Tebow is a great guy, one that sets an example to everyone. He is truly a man after God's own heart. You can see it in him everytime you see him, hear him, etc. He loves the Lord, and proves it through his life. Tim has been an inspiration to me, an encouragement, and has given me the heart to be on fire for God even more than i ever had. He's given me courage to be strong around those who persecute me for my faith in Jesus Christ. I don't care what anyone says about me, infact, i have this desire to reach out to my friends even more. I know i am not the only one, their are many, many, more who have been touched by Tim. Tebow is truly a great big brother, and one that's loved. He has showed unbelievable strength not only physically, but spiritually. He has an amazing story, a love so great, and most of all he's a man after God's own heart. So with that being said, everything said against Tebow is only persecution and attacks, but all it does is build one up even stronger. The Lord has a way of doing that. The gator's may have lost one game, and even if they lost all their games, that doesn't matter, they'll always be my favorite. Tim, the coach, and the team have done a great job. And in my book, they're WINNERS! Tim will always be my favorite football player and overall, a blessing... Thanks Tim Tebow!!! You'll always be in my prayers and God Bless you!
    No matter what you face, whoever reads this, always remember,
    John 16:33-
    These things I have spoken unto you, that in me(Christ Jesus) ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
    Finally, to those that are angered or hateful towards Tebow or any one else, I say to you, don't be. Please. If you choose to still, it's okay, it only strengthens those you persecute that love the Lord. Please don't be offened with what i wrote, but it's the truth. I hope one day, you'll be touched by the Lord the way I was. The Lord Jesus is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and He can be to you too. All you have to do is just believe in Christ Jesus, believe He died for you and your sins, and repent, confess to Him that He is Lord, and build your life upon Him. I hope and pray that you will be touched in some way and God Bless You.

  3. Yah, everything posted about Tebow drinking, getting drugs, etc, is all a lie. Don't believe it.

  4. Dear Anonymous:

    Please be advised that you are reading this on the internet, and, as with television, newspapers, magazines, Sheila who does your hair, your crazy brother-in-law Ralph and ALL of your other sources for information, EVERYTHING you see and hear is either a variation of the truth or completely false. "I Came To Sarasota For The Waters" falls squarely into the latter column.

    My wife once told me to be careful writing this jibberish because someone was going to take me seriously. I told her she was nuts. Apparently, she is not the only one, esp. if you have spent "hours" researching Tim Tebow.

    If you possess a poster of Tim Tebow or a bobblehead doll of Tim Tebow, YOU are treading on dangerous ground, my friend, as in: "You shall have no other gods before Me. You shall not make for yourself an idol..." Ex 20:3.4.

    Please look up the definition of 'satire.' Also, look up Proverbs 17:22. Also, quit watching Glenn Beck.

  5. Dear One-Eyed Dick,

    The Bible also says in Ex 20:16, You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.

    Sorry, but to me it seeems like that's what you did in your paper. I never found anything wrong with having a favorite team or player. I always wondered who my favorite would be since i was always asked the following:
    What's your favorite sport?
    Who's your favorite team?
    Who's your favorite player?
    I had friends, family, others, often ask me these questions when sports comes up in our conversation or some sport is on tv.
    People often think i am crazy with my choice, but when i decided i didn't have anyone i really caared for, i guess i just started looking. I wanted my choice to be one that reflected the Lord. Just like we are to reflect the Lord in our lives. We are called to serve God and Him only. Therefore, I didn't want to choose someone who was totally an unbeliever as my favorite player. When i was introduced to Tebow and found out his story, i couldn't help but admire his love for the Lord. That's why he is my favorite. He's not my favorite because he's a good football player, but because he stands for the Lord and doesn't hide it!

    PS What you did was not satire, but slander. And though you would think I watch Glenn Beck, that's only stereotyping me...So you too need to watch what ground you are treading on, before you misjudge others..

  6. YOU ARE RIDICULOUS! Why would any one write something so absurd. This isn't entertainment.

  7. Hilarious! The best part of all was from the groupies who took a break from whacking off on their Tebow posters to whine about the author not worshipping their deity.