Florida Quarterback Tim Tebow Goes On Drunken Bender After Loss To Alabama

University of Florida officials confirmed that star quarterback, Tim Tebow, was, in fact, involved in an alcohol-fueled brawl on campus and is currently being held in the Gainesville jail on various charges ranging from public drunkeness, assault, vandalism, inciting a riot, destruction of property, sexual battery, resisting arrest and conduct unbecoming a saint, among others.

Visibly distraught as he left the field of play and choking back tears at a post-game interview, Tebow refused to shower or change his uniform prior to boarding the team bus for the trip back to Gainesville. Teammates said that he sat by himself and did not speak to anyone for the duration of the trip.

Upon their arrival to the UF campus, he angrily pushed his way through the subdued crowd that had gathered to welcome the team home and went directly to Gatorland Liquors on E. Spurrier St., where he purchased a large quantity of alcohol and several packs of cigarettes. Surveillance cameras also showed Tebow securing an unknown amount of illegal narcotics from a low-level drug dealer near the liquor store.

Witnesses say they saw Tebow drinking heavily late into the night in several downtown bars. He was reportedly ejected from two establishments following altercations with other patrons and ordered to leave another when he discovered that he had wandered into a gay bar and began chastising those present, telling them that "God hates them" and they were all "going to hell," this in spite of having just been seen openly kissing and fondling several male patrons at the club.

Gaineville police were called to an off-campus housing complex after residents phoned in several complaints of a naked man wearing only football shoulder pads urinating in their fountain, exposing himself and groping female passers-by. Police were unable to locate the suspect, who had fled on foot into the complex.

Authorities eventually found Tebow passed out on the couch in a sorority house back on campus, covered in empty beer cans and clutching several trophies from the sorority's field hockey and lacrosse intramural teams. "It was kinda cute when he started telling stories about how he won this trophy or that trophy," said Muffy Morganstern, "but when he puked all over our couch and then passed out on it, it was kinda gross, you know? Now, we just want him gone."

When Gainesville police attempted to remove the besotted gridiron star from the sorority, Tebow became aggressive, telling the officers that he would "smite them in the name of righteousness." Following a brief struggle, he momentarily escaped from the grasp of the police and, in an incendiary display of broken field running, juked around an overstuffed chair and crashed directly into a large table, injuring his leg. When officers finally handcuffed Tebow, he was cursing loudly, complaining about "lazy, lard-ass linemen" and "a breakdown in pass protection."

"'It's not my fault, it's not my fault, it wasn't supposed to end this way' he kept mumbling, as we loaded him into the patrol car," said an arresting officer.