Friday, December 31, 2010

Top News Stories Of 2010 For Sunny, Serene Sarasota

The sun always shines in Sarasota.........

#10.  Homeless Population Non-Existent:  Sarasota officials tout lack of homeless on city streets, say that the cost of busing them to North Port and Bradenton is more than offset by the increased spending at local businesses by tourists, plus not having to feed and house them in the local lock-up.  The homeless, I mean; not the tourists.

 #9.  Ground Zero for Ponzi Schemes:  Sarasota has become mecca for "those who dare to dream big."  Local college offers courses "Introductory Ponzi" and "Intermediate Ponzi", taught by Art Nadel and Beau Diamond via videoconference from their respective prison cells and "Buying and Selling Real Estate to Friends and Family to Drive Up Prices, Then Leaving the Country Before You Can Be Indicted" by Neil Mohammed Husani, via videoconference from somewhere in Amman, Jordan.

 #8.  Bank Failures:  Banking industry claims too much competition was bad for business, encouraged some bankers to make ridiculous loans, knowing they were scams and were sure to fail, to line pockets of loan originators before banks crashed and burned.  County now inviting out-of-town banks in to fill void and bring fresh money.

 #7.  Mortgage Brokers Scatter Like Roaches:  Economy collapses under weight of greedy developers, lack of oversight by banks and wannabe real estate flippers, all looking to get rich.  Mortgage brokers were more than happy to drive that bus.  No more money, no more real estate deals, no more mortgage brokers.

 #6.  Mooring Field A Smashing Success:  Well-heeled boaters and yachtsmen flocked to the newly-remodeled Sarasota Bay to be the first to enjoy the upscale resort atmosphere offered by Marina Jack's "Le Bassin de Nautique," paid for entirely by the taxpayers of Sarasota.  Mooring balls failed testing, contractor claims that no one told him that cinder blocks tied to the end of ropes would not be sufficient and demanded another $462,000 for more cinder blocks.  City taking demand under advisement.

 #5.  Google Installs High-Speed Internet:  Sarasota was selected as the winner in Google's fiber optic sweepstakes after then-mayor, Dick Clapp, was torn apart on live TV by ravenous sharks after jumping into their tank at Mote Marine to attract the attention of Google's selection committee execs choosing a city to receive experimental high-speed internet.  Shark handler, Edna Buxbaum, says she got all wrapped up playing Zuma on her cell phone and forgot to feed the sharks.

 #4. Red Sox Spurn Ft. Myers for Sarasota:  Boston Red Sox owners, impressed with leadership and vision of local politicians, break their just-negotiated lease and pull out of Lee County Stadium in the dead of night.  But not before stealing the plumbing fixtures, air conditioning units and door hardware from their former clubhouse.  Unruly Boston fans overwhelm newly-remodeled Shannon Staub Stadium, setting fire to the $12 million replica of the Green Monster when Sox lose first game.

 #3.  Julian Assange Welcomed to City:  Wikileaks founder and international persona non grata, Julian  Assange was given the key to the city and a check for $3.5 million seed money from the Economic Development Council to build WikiWorld, a proposed theme park based on Wikileaks.  Attractions to include the Foreign Relations Roller Coaster, the International Espionage Merry-Go-Round and the sure-to-be-popular State Department Shake, Rattle & Roll, billed as "a crazy, wacky ride around the world in cars bearing a country's flag where riders guess who their friends are this week in an attempt to avoid a global nuclear holocaust."

 #2.  Hurricane Strikes City:  A powerful Category 5 storm, dubbed Hurricane Hoffman, slammed into Sarasota this past summer with a direct hit on the city's fabled bayfront, obliterating the contentious Unconditional Surrender statue of a sailor kissing a nurse, then, miraculously, dissipating instantly before crossing Gulfsream Blvd., sparing downtown.  Workers later found the the wreckage of the sailor several miles inland at the National Cemetery, while the statue of the nurse was found, incredibly, intact and standing upright in front of Sarasota Memorial Hospital.  Unfortunately, two days later the statue was knocked over and destroyed when 87-year old Mildred Mrdjenivich plowed into it on her way to bingo.

 #1.  Real Estate Market Rebounds:  Realtors are ecstatic about the dramatic upswing in home prices.  Developers and home builders are working round-the-clock to meet the pent-up demand of anxious homebuyers.  Economic experts are absolutely positive that home values will skyrocket to pre-recession levels in the second quarter of 2011, making right now:



Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Yep, This Is About Right..........

"We have met the enemy and they are...........mostly from Ontario.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Holiday Reminder From Suncoast Area Businesses

Please, this holiday season, remember the real reason for the season and keep the $ in $mas.

From all of your friends at the Sarasota Chamber of Commerce.

Local Church Christmas Pagent Ends In Tumult

Dear Edna Mae,

Well, I must tell you what happened at our annual Christmas program this year.  As you know, for the past 32 years, we at St. Thomas More....Or Less Parish have been staging our famous "Nativity Live" show during the weeks leading up to Christmas Eve.  It's always been a big hit here in Sarasota with the residents and visitors alike and we always make a great deal of money off the ticket sales, even after the Diocese skims its cut off the top.

Now when the circus had their winter home here, it was never any trouble getting the animals we needed for the performance.  In the years since they left, it has been increasingly harder to find the right livestock to authentically portray the Christmas story.  Thank goodness we have had any number of young trollops in the congregation over the years who get knocked up during the year and are about to pop in December so we don't have to worry about that role, at least!

This year, however, our string of good fortune ran out.  In a BIG way!

Mr. Braselton Gumlog, from out east in Arcadia, has been supplying the animals for our shows for the last couple years.  All was well until right before Thanksgiving, when his only camel, "Mr. Humpy", fell ill with a bad case of distemper.  We were all in quite a pickle as to what to do, as this camel has been in our pagent for the last 17 years and had his part down pat.

Elsie Dahlonega of the Ladies Guild came up with the idea of putting people in a camel suit as a substitution.  Father Rosenburg thought that to be a great idea and suggested using Sister Euthanasia and Ivey Hephzibah, since, he said, "those two have the spindliest legs I have ever seen." 

No of us dared ask Father how he knew what Sister Euthanasia's legs looked like....

Well, they agreed to do it and, just so you know, they do have the spindliest legs that any of us had ever seen and they fit the camel suit perfectly.  Or, at least, the bottom part of the costume.  We found out that the only young person from the St. Thomas More.....Or Less Youth Group without a part in the pageant was that Talbotton boy--you know, the s-l-o-w one.  But he was willing and, really, all he had to do was fill out the hump part of the camel costume.  What could go wrong?

Let me tell you, dear sister, PLENTY could go wrong.  And, it DID!!

First, Sister Euthanasiasays she has a "touch" of claustrophobia, but claims she can control it with a bit of "cough medicine."  She must have had more than her usual "touch" of claustrophobia that night, because she had more than a bit of her "cough medicine"----a lot more.  She was pretty well hammered at show time, but insisted she could walk like a camel, drunk or sober, so into the camel suit and down the aisle they went.

They were doing pretty dang well, too, until the part where they were supposed to kneel.  Well, the way Ivey tells it, Sister was in the forequarters and lost her balance when she tried to stand back up and they crashed into the pew.  The Talbotton boy ended up in the lap of that cute young thing, Glendora Flaut, who just howled up a storm about being violated by a dromedary.

Poor Sumner Leverett, who was playing the shepherd, yanked and yanked on the reins to get the camel with one drunken nun, a terrified 12-year old and poor old Ivey Hephzibah back on its feet.  Sister Euthanasia was just cackling away and told Sumner that he could "pull all you want, but my butt is stuck between these two pews and it ain't comin' out unless you get of one of Connolly Tutwiler's tow trucks in here."

Well, it didn't take a tow truck, but it did take four deacons and Glendora's two uncles to get Sister, Ivey and the Talbotton boy out of the pews, back on their feet and out of the church.

Sister Euthanasia remembers little of what happened that night, poor Ivey has quit coming to church and the Talbotton boy has been arrested twice now for stalking the Flaut girl.

Father Rosenburg says that there is talk now that the camel's part will be cut from next year's pageant.

Your sister,


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I'm Clay Duke and I'm The N.R.A.

I'm Clay Duke.  On Tuesday, I interrupted a Panama City School Board meeting by painting a big red "V" in a circle on the wall, then pulled out my Smith & Wesson automatic pistol and waved it around.  I blamed the School Board for firing my wife from her teacher's job and threatened to kill them all.  Being the consummate gentleman, though, I told the lone female on the board that she could leave, then continued to hold my trusty piece in the board president's face.

While I was making my point, that sneaky bitch that I let leave the room, crept back in behind me and pummeled me with her purse.  That freakin' purse must have weighed a ton, it hurt so bad.  Those things should be outlawed.  I should have plugged her right then and there, but, like I said, I'm a gentleman.

Instead, I leveled old Betsy and squeezed off a couple shots at the rest of the board members sitting there for not warning me that the crazy bitch was about to hit me with a surprise purse attack. 

I'll never know how the hell I missed them all.

Then, out of nowhere, comes a security guard and plugs me.  I return fire, but, once again, don't hit a thing.  Unbelievable, huh?

He hits me a couple more times and I figure the jig is up, so I put the gun to my head and pull the trigger, thinking that since I haven't hit a thing all day, I'll probably miss again.

I didn't.

I'm the N.R.A.......

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Urban Meyer Tells of His Plan to Join Monastery

Urban Meyer told a stunned crowd of reporters and Gator Nation faithful that he was not only leaving the University of Florida, but he was also leaving this fetid material world for a better place and joining a spartan monastic order in the mountains outside of Denver, Colorado.

"As you know, my health has been an issue for me for quite some time now, mostly when we lost football games," said Meyer.  "When we won, eh, not so much."

"I wanted to step away at the end of last season when Timmy left, but my coaching staff, the athletic director and others coaxed me into coming back for this season.  After this 7-6 season, all those who wanted me to stay on last year told me not to let the door hit me on the ass on the way out this time.  Hey, you don't have to hit me on the head with a sledgehammer--I get it!"

"I knew I couldn't coach college football forever, but when we were picked to play Penn State in the Outback Bowl on New Year's Day, I had nightmares of me being an 85-year old coach, hobbling up and down the sidelines with drool spilling out of my mouth, not knowing where I am, who I am or even what the hell I'm doing there.  And then I pee my pants."

Meyer said that he wanted to spend more time with his family after devoting nearly his entire adult life to coaching.  "Well, after about a day-and-a-half of that 'family togetherness,' I was ready to get the hell outta there before I choked somebody.  What did I ever see in that woman anyway?  And those kids of mine....."

"Then, as if in a vision, my life's plan fell into place one afternoon while I was waiting in a dentist's office.  I was absent-mindedly leafing through some magazine, pondering my fate, when I saw it:

My life was transformed in that instant.  Seeing Timmy in that haircut, I knew I was destined to become a monk"

"After my root canal, when I went home and excitedly announced my plans to my family, they were like:  'OK, whatever....'  I took that as a sign."

"I did some research and found an order of silent monks who lived in a collection of old church buses in the mountains near Dog Breath, Colorado, about a hundred miles north of Denver and my Timmy, who plays for the Broncos."

"I interviewed with them, was accepted into their brotherhood and am leaving tomorrow for a higher plane.  They even gave me a tryout for their "Silent Chorale."  I'm the next-to-last one on the left side.  I'm a little shorter than most of the other monks, but the Head Abbott says I make up for my lack of size with my quickness and my good hands.  Hey,that sounds like the same lies I was telling to those high school kids when I wanted them to come to UF....."

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Annual Christmas Letter From Charlie Crist

Dear Major Donors, Family, Fellow Floridians,

Well, it's been quite a year for Carole and me!

For the first time since I was elected to the Florida Senate in '92, I will not be feeding at the public trough. (Carole says that I might have to get a real job now. HA! Good one, babe! I thought that's why I married you! LOL)

So, there I was, minding my own business, coasting through my second term as governor of God's Waiting Room, riding on the bullet train to the United States Senate, when that little twerp, Rubio, comes out of nowhere and--boom--wraps those Tea Party ding-a-lings around his stubby little finger..

"The only true Conservative?" "Tea Party darling?" Pul-leeze. What kind of "true Republican" has a first and last name that ends in a vowel? Mario Cuomo--oh, yeah, like he was a "true Republican". NOT! How about Thomaso Jeffersonio? Georgio Washingtonio? Gimme a break. He's no more of a "true Republican" than Topo Gigio was!

Anyhoo, the Tea Party adopted little Marco Polo, poured a pants-load of money into his campaign and he starts to kick my ass in the polls by linking me to Obama, all because of that one bro-hug in Ft. Myers a year ago. Me! I can't believe it! Time to turn on the Crist Charm Factory and send this pipsqueak limping back to Miami.......

Well, it turns out this Tea Party thing was bigger than anybody thought. Who knew those old farts had so much disposable income to spend on him? Next thing I know, I'm so far down in the polls, it's like I'm standing at the Equator looking up! (A little geography humor there.........)

Old Charlie can see the writing on the wall, so "Mr. Republican" becomes "Mr. Independent", because Florida voters want to vote for me, Charlie Charisma, whether I'm a Republican or Democrat or Independent.

OK, maybe not a Democrat.

So, election day rolls around and guess what? Maybe they wanted to vote for me, but they DIDN'T!


I'm lucky I beat the Libertarian candidate. (Did the Libertarians even have a candidate this year?)

Then, to add insult to injury, the legislature meets in special session to override some of my vetoes from this past year, like I never existed.

Next, my old "friends" from the GOP want their campaign contributions returned because they "didn't donate to Charlie Crist--they donated to the Republican Party." Oh, boo-hoo; get over yourselves already. I spent your damn money, so there! (Wellllll, I didn't spend all their money, I kept some of it for my "unemployent compensation".)

So, that's it. I'm out. Rick Scott is going to be sitting in MY chair at My desk in My office. But, I'm not bitter and I wish him the best of luck. He's only going to last as long as the REAL governor of Florida lets him sit in that seat--my old boss, Jeb. (Yeah, and thanks for all your support during the election, boss. Would it have killed you to throw me a bone?)

I hope your year went better than mine. Mine actually kinda sucked. But, I'll be back, better than ever. Tanned (LOL), rested and ready to go!

Speaking of going, I must. Gotta go scan those want-ads. For Carole!

Here's to a better 2011 for all of us,

Charlie & Carole