Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Siesta Key residents have begun digging in on the beaches of this sleepy little village, vowing to fight to the last man to keep the sand on their beloved beaches pure, pristine and unadulterated by sand from lesser locales.
Sarasota County has attempted to import sand from Lakewood Ranch to infill where they recently removed a concrete seawall, instead of using Grade AAA Siesta Key Fine sand. When local Jim Overbeck tried to intervene, he was arrested.
"I know the deputies say he "threw himself on the sandpile" to stop the bulldozer from moving it," said wife, Anne Overbeck, "but he really didn't. The crazy, old fool tripped over his own big feet and fell right on his keister into the sandpile. It was an accident, plain and simple--not trespassing!"
When Mr. Overbeck was being arrested, he complained of dizziness and light-headedness. Arresting officers noted several used syringes sticking in his rear, as well as a small laceration on his left hand from one of the many visible shards of broken glass in the dirt pile.
"See all this crap in this dirt," said Overbeck, "this is what those bastards want to spread on our beaches--medical waste, broken glass, rusty nails, chewing gum--just look at it. Overbeck then lapsed into a coma, before being hauled away in a police cruiser.
Karyn Erickson, president of Erickson Consulting Engineers who is in charge of this operation, tried to reassure the concerned citizens with, "the sand is just fine; it needs a little raking and grading, that's all."
Meanwhile, as dusk falls over this troubled piece of paradise, Siesta Key residents have taken matters into their own hands. Both the North and South bridges to the island are in the hands of residents who are controlling access to the key.
Residents are also hardening their beach fortifications, hastily erecting tank traps, installing mines and stringing razor wire, as well as laying in fresh supplies of food, water and ammunition.
"We want to be prepared," said one graying resident, pulling on his WWII-vintage helmet. "Between our preparations here on the north end of the public beach and that crazy, old broad down on Turtle Beach who beats people with her cane when they walk on her beach, we're confident that we are ready."
In a hastily-called press conference, the Sarasota County Sheriff's Office would not rule out an amphibious assault, possibly as soon as dawn tomorrow.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Discussions To Prevent Total Global Economic Collapse Put On Hold While World Debates Pros, Cons Of Susan Boyle Makeover
While the heartland of America and other industrialized countries, along with the majority of third-world nations, feel that the makeover will detract from her homespun charm, cultural centers like Paris, London, Rio de Janeiro and Sarasota are overwhelmingly in favor of her new look.
Said local plastic surgeon, Dr. Billye "Botox" Glamme (glam-MAY), "It's just not right for plain people to get so much attention, let alone ugly ones. Of course, she should have had the makeover. Actually, I think she needs to go further, though--brow lift, eye lift, nose job, lip implants, face lift, neck lift, breast implants, liposuction, buttock augmentation and any other procedure my office performs. She can ask for my volume discount."
Who sings better,
the 'old' Susan Boyle?
the 'new' Susan Boyle?
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
The spokesman then issued the following statement: "The ministry of Rev. Yarnell Waddle will be suspended until further notice. We regret this decision, but trust that Yarnell's followers will continue to keep him and his work in their thoughts, prayers and, most importantly, in their continued flow of checks while he works through his personal demons."
Media outlets indicate that the pint-sized preacher will soon be the focus of a series of investigative reports placing him in the company of a hooker while he was at his latest revival in Okahumpka. Celebrity website, TMZ, has apparently obtained video of Rev. Waddle and the unnamed prostitute, drunkenly cavorting in the kiddie pool at the Okahumpka Holiday Inn.
Little Toddler Preaching at Church - Watch more Funny Videos
Famed televangelist Jimmy Swaggart, himself no stranger to disgrace, has reached out to the youngster. "The kid has a great career ahead of him as an evangelist. It's probably good that he's gotten this out of the way now, before he got too famous. People forget. There's so much of this going on that it hardly makes a difference anymore, not like when Jim Bakker and I got busted. Now, it's like 'so what, who cares?' Swaggart said. "I mean, look at Ted Haggard. He gets busted with meth and a gay prostitute and it's like nothing ever happened. Back in the old days, geez, we would have been crucified for that kind of crap."
Pirate Attack Hero Feted With Parade Down Main Street In Lakewood Ranch, Later Ordered Off Private Property
At the end of the evening's festivities, the Quinns--Ken, wife Zoya and their, by now, sleeping 3-year old son, Jason--along with small group of close friends walked back to their cars around 9:30 PM. According to several members of the group, they were confronted by a Lakewood Ranch security guard as they walked on the sidewalk, advised that they were trespassing on private property and ordered to vacate the premises immediately.
When Quinn told the increasingly agitated security guard who he was and why they were there, the unidentified guard reportedly said, "Buddy, I don't care if you're the Pope or even Dick Vitale himself, ain't nobody allowed on Main Street after 9:30. And that includes all of you people. Now, we can do this nicely or I can pepper spray the lot of you and have your asses dragged off to jail. It's up to you."
When the Quinn's dozing toddler suddenly lurched awake, the security guard, surprised by the sudden movement, pulled his can of Mace and let fly, temporarily blinding the Quinns and most of their party. Almost simultaneously, several other security officers, both on foot and in marked vehicles, arrived at the scene and began to handcuff the choking, crying members of the group.
Manatee County deputies were called and took 9 members of the Quinn homecoming dinner party to jail and remanding the 3-year old to juvenile detention. All remain in the Manatee County lockup this morning, pending a bail hearing for trespassing on private property, resisting arrest by uniformed security personnel and littering.
Schroeder-Manatee Ranch vice president, Dan Perka, said, "We were glad to have hosted the Quinn's homecoming celebration, bringing in extra people and the additional business, as well as the favorable press we received as a welcoming destination for family-oriented events, but, when the sidewalks are rolled up at 9:30 at night and the stores are closed, you become common trespassers and will be treated as such."
"Where are those damn Navy SEALs when you need them?" Ken Quinn
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Pop star Madonna, recently rebuffed in her bid to adopt a young Malawi boy, is apparently determined to find a replacement and has set her sights upon the captured pirate from Somalia.
Unfortunately for her, film star Angelina Jolie is also seeking to add Abdiwali Abdiqadir Muse to her growing family as well, touching off a bidding war between the two serial adopters.
"That bitch already has six kids and a husband that she treats like a kid," said Madonna, "how many more does she need? I think poor Abdiwali would be so happy with brothers Rocco and David and Lourdes just thinks he's the cutest thing ever."
Upon hearing Madonna's statement, Ms. Jolie reportedly answered, "I can understand her feeling this way. Let's face it, Madonna is yesterday's laundry. Can't keep a husband, can't adopt more kids, can't make a hit record to save her life and, worst of all, the old bag is 50, for God's sake. And, let me tell you, those aren't highway miles, either, if you get my meaning. What's she have left to live for, social security? An appearance on "The Biggest Loser?"
While on his way to arraignment, the young pirate said to reporters, "I am flattered, sir, to even think that such wonderful stars would take an interest in someone such as I. I am also happy to be in America, such a wonderful place it is. And to have a mother like Madonna or Angelina to love me and care for me would be better than taking over many ships with my friends. Especially if the US Navy is going to get involved and shoot my friends."
Why is this man smiling? The prospect of three hots and a cot for the rest of his life seems like heaven compared to living in Somalia. Plus, he's not dead.
Monday, April 20, 2009
SH-T Writes Anti-Violence Op-Ed; Enraged Gun Owners Storm Offices, Shoot Staff, Burn Building, Now Feel Safer
If you spend any time at all reading the paper's comment forums, you will recognize this as the handiwork of one Rich Swier, local editor of 'Red County', a blog that is so far to the right, it is bordering on falling off the edge.
In the forums, he is famous (to me, at least) for his assessment of a shooting that occurred in town some months ago. A rabid--oh, sorry, that should be avid--gun-totin' Sarasotan got into an argument with another guy at a local 7-11. First guy pulls a gun, second guy disarms him, first guy pulls ANOTHER gun and kills second guy. Local constabulary does its usual fine job (shooter had been investigated for having an arsenal that was bigger and better than Sheriff's dept. but was given a pass), only to be outdone by the local judicial system, who gave the killer a handful of years in the pokey. After all, the deceased was only some black guy--it's not like he or the family he left behind was somebody worth caring about.
After the verdict, King Richard declared that "The system works!" I guess if your the white guy that was carrying all the hardware, yeah. If your the dead guy or his family, I would think not so much. But if Swier says it, it must be so. And, of course, he couched his argument in the hallowed 2nd Amendment and quotes from our founding fathers, whom he channels regularly in his comments. He must have them on speed dial.
So, what about this 2nd Amendment that these big guns cling to?
"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."
OK, I got it. A well-regulated militia shall have the right to bear arms to protect the security of the country, as has been accomplished by America's citizen-soldiers for over 370 years. According to the National Guard's official website: "Following independence, the authors of the Constitution empowered Congress to "provide for organizing, arming, and disciplining the militia." However, recognizing the militia's state role, the Founding Fathers reserved the appointment of officers and training of the militia to the states."
Rich Swier receiving his recent promotion in the 2nd Amendment Militia from 'Windbag' to 'Pompous Ass, j.g.' Congratulations and well done!
Bullet heads would just as soon forget that first part about the 'well-regulated militia' and concentrate on the part about keeping and bearing arms--that's the part that gets their juices flowing. Glocks, AKs, Uzis, .50 cal. water-cooled machine guns--sorry, I think I just peed my pants with excitement.
Then, again, there's this pesky bit from the National Guard website: "In 1903, important national defense legislation increased the role of the National Guard (as the militia was now called) as a Reserve force for the U.S. Army."
WHAT??? You mean the 'well-regulated militia' is the National Guard? You mean that if I don't belong to the Guard I DON'T have the right to keep and bear arms? You say they have armories for that? Well, slap my ass and call me Sam Colt....
Now, granted I'm just some schlub sitting at a computer, so what do I know. I'm not connected to Jefferson and the boys or the Almighty like Rich Swier.
What I do know is that the families of all those people killed by gun violence in the past several weeks or the families of the Columbine victims or the families of the Virginia Tech kids killed last year don't really give two shits about your skewed view of the 2nd Amendment or your pedantic quotes or your catchy slogans about only outlaws owning guns.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Apparently the two met in 1994 when Gibson was filming Braveheart in Scotland. Local shopkeeper, Hawick Dunoon, of West Lothian remembers, "Aye, Susan wa' a wild one then. She an' Mel woold always be a-rompin' in tha heather, sure. Dinna ya wonder where the lass learned to hit tha high notes like that? An' that scene in tha movie where tha boys lift their kilts to th' English? Mel got th' idea from Susan. She wa' always roonin' around liftin' her skirts in front of Mel. Sometimes she'd be waerin' knickers, sometimes she din't. Course, she wa' more of a looker then, too."
Celebrity website TMZ is offering this photo as proof of a relationship between Gibson and Susan Boyle, who can be seen in the third row from the back, holding a big stick and with dirt on her face.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
"I fought those slanty-eyed bastards for two years in the '40's when I was a kid to keep them off our shores," rasped 87-year old Garvin Mackleberry, "and I'll be damned if I'm going to let it happen now. Everytime I see a Toyota in a parking lot of the retirement home, I whack it with my cane. I can damn well guarantee you that the parking lots of Ed Smith will be just crawlin' with them and Hondas if we let the Japs in here."
The VFW, American Legion and Daughters of the American Revolution, among others, are leading the charge against the proposed sale, while bloggers Red County and Theodore's World place the blame squarely at the feet of the Obama administration--just like they always do.
"We do not intend for Sarasota to become a second Pearl Harbor," said an unidentified veteran. "Hell, they're taking over baseball here in the States now. A couple years ago, none; now, every team has one. And you know, where you see one, there's a dozen lurking around the corner. You tell those fourth-estaters and fellow travelers Kirschner and Barbetta that it's 'No Sale' to the Nips."
The investors --Baseline-iScouts Group--tried to reassure the veteran groups that sake and rice bowls would not replace beer and hot dogs at the concession stands, fans will still be allowed to wear their shoes inside the stadium and umpires will not dress up like sumo wrestlers. They did admit that they are kicking around the idea of having the ball girls dress as geishas, though.
You want to know what it says? It says, "kill the round-eyes," that's what it says, mister.
Actual baseball card photo of Japanese left-handed pitcher, Yoshikazu Kojima
Monday, April 13, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
This story in today's SH-T is about a proposed annual fee of $17 to to fish from the Sunshine State's saltwater beaches and piers. A license is already required to fish from a boat in the Gulf or fish in freshwater lakes, rivers, streams, retention ponds, parking lot catch basins and, if the drought continues much longer, muddy hoof prints.
Of course, a license is required to fish anywhere if you are a non-resident, but, this being Florida, that was pretty much of a given. We love our visitors. We love them so much we just want to give them all a great big hug and squeeeeeze every last red cent out of their wallets.
Now also in today's paper was a story about the Sarasota County School Board cutting 335 jobs, 215 teachers and 120 support personnel.
A quick check of the comment forums on these two stories restored my faith in my fellow Sarasotans and Bradentonians. The teacher purge garnered all of three rather bland comments, while the fishing fee story elicited almost FORTY responses, mostly by those opposing the fee on 'constitutional' grounds, as in "Ain't it in the Bill of Rights somewheres that I can go fishin' fer free if'n I live here?"
Now, if my calculations are correct (I shoulda gone to third grade arithmetic instead of going fishing) that yearly $17 fee would work out to be $63.75 a month. No, wait, that can't be right. OK, it's really about $1.42 a month.
So, who exactly doesn't like the idea?
- the 'creeping socialism' camp who don't want to pay because it will fund yet another gov't program,
- the 'Big Brother' faction who don't want to pay because they know that this is just another way for big gov't to keep tabs on you,
- the 'cracker' contingency who don't want to pay because that means $17 less they have to spend on beer,
- the 'traditionalist' group who don't want to pay because, well, because we ain't never done it before,
- the 'conspiracy theorists' who don't want to pay because they just know that "first they tax it, then they license it, then they take it away" and, of course,
- the "illegal aliens are the ruination of America" asylum who don't want to pay because "I don't know how many of you go out to the skyway, but we do it frequently.. What we see are MOSTLY latin folks out there, stripping the water of ANY moving fish. Even the inedible ones... They take the clams, they take the bait, they take the snails, bonefish, small mackerel, pinfish, sea snakes, ladyfish... THEY TAKE EVERYTHING.. It has been completely stripped.. Why? Because they can eat for FREE... I say, let them pay for a fishing license just like everyone else- help to fund the fisheries that they are depleting faster than they can be stocked... I have witnessed them take undersized fish and fillet them on the spot and toss the carcass..."
See you all at the Tea Party. Bring guns. And fishing rods.
"Want my fishing rod? From my cold, dead 9-year old hands, you sonsabitches....."
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Captain's tip of the day: DON'T call 911 and tell them you have a pipe bomb just because you're pissed off at your dad.
Especially if you're 40 years old.
And you're already on probation.
The next time you feel one of these moments coming on Gordy, call somebody--anybody--besides 911. And skip the part about the pipe bomb. Just tell them that you're "frustrated."
And that your happy medicine's run out.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Coming down firmly against the use of Chinese drywall in homes is like coming out for law and order, apple pie and motherhood--whose going to argue against that position? Oh, sure, the builders might get a little pissed off, seeing as how you were more than happy to take their campaign donations in elections past, but they can recognize grandstanding when they see it.
And you don't have to look very far to see it these days. Every other day, it seems, there's video of another politician venting his righteous indignation about the money being wasted in the bailout, yet these very same 'statesmen' are the ones elbowing for a better spot at the money trough with their unabashed laundry list of earmarks. And the political furor over the executive bonuses paid out by AIG is fanned by our trusty legislators, railing that they have never witnessed such magnitude of greed.
What they don't tell you is that the bonuses totaled less than 1/10 of 1% of the bailout. Why, these guys piss away that much in campaign literature disguised as 'informational mailings.'
Nelson is even coming down with sympathetic symptoms when touring the homes. And he single-handedly wielded "a screwdriver to scrape off some of the black corrosion to reveal the copper color underneath" with complete disregard for his personal safety. My God, this man's a saint!
Well, one more day of this and he can go back to the usual ways of Washington and forget about this issue, secure in the knowledge that Super Senator has once again made the world safe for mankind. Maybe he can get a Capitol Hill hearing of his own, especially since he's already pointing fingers at the interim head of the Consumer Product Safety Commission for not knowing about the Chinese drywall problem in advance.
Of course, when the houses were springing up like crabgrass, value and prices were rising and the money was flowing, it wasn't a problem........
"I have been to 'Ground Zero' of this national threat and I can report to the American people that, even after all my years in politics, I can still smell this crap." Sen. Bill Nelson
The Associated Press
FORT COLLINS, Colo. - Hurricane forecasters at Colorado State University have scaled back their prediction for the Atlantic and are now calling for an average season with 12 named storms, including six hurricanes, two of them major.
In December, researchers William Gray and Phil Klotzbach predicted an above-average season with 14 named storms with seven hurricanes — three major.
Gray said Tuesday the forecast was dialed down because of improved chances of El Nino conditions, which suppress hurricane formation.
This is Gray's 26th year of forecasting hurricanes. His predictions are watched closely by emergency responders and others, but many say long-range forecasts have little practical value beyond focusing public attention on the dangers.
The season runs June 1-Nov. 30.
Sarasota and Manatee County Emergency Management have announced that they will suspend operations immediately and disband as soon as is possible. Said new FEMA director, Craig Fugate, "Given the history of Dr. Gray's dour predictions of hurricanes wiping out Sarasota and the surrounding area for the last several years, we are convinced that his forecast of a less-than-apocalyptic hurricane season this year will spell certain doom for the Suncoast. That said, we are advising an immediate abandonment of Charlotte, Sarasota and Manatee Counties until December, 2009, at which time, we expect the three-county area to be devoid of all living things and rendered uninhabitable for several years to come."
Upon hearing this grim assessment, Michael Saunders of Michael Saunders Realty released the following statement: "On the advice of Federal Emergency officials, Michael Saunders Realty will close all of our local offices, effective immediately. Our Siesta Key and Longboat Key offices will relocate to Arcadia and begin selling oceanfront property just west of downtown Arcadia. We are excited about this new opportunity to serve our current and future customers and look forward to partnering with the foresighted leaders of Arcadia in several high-profile publicly-funded, privately-owned developments to make their town the new crown jewel of beach resorts."
Said one close friend, "It's unfortunate, but Judi just got caught up in the same trap so many others did. She always chose the best cuts of meat, long-line caught fish, the organic produce; it was always 'fresh, not frozen' for her. It's sad that it's come to this."
When spotted transporting some of her prized culinary equipment across the parking lot of her former home, the dining diva, in quiet defiance, said, "At least, I can hold my head up high; at least, I can say that I never made beans and weenies on any of my shows...."
Monday, April 6, 2009
Authorities are poring over surveillance tapes to determine whether the near-riot was spontaneous or had been carefully orchestrated by the rival gangs. The video shows one group of young people, believed to be members of the 24th St. Boys, assembling in the plaza. Shortly thereafter, another unknown faction, possibly the upstart Second Line, pours down the stairs and begins to mix it up with the first group.
Frightened bystanders are clearly seen in the video, frozen with fear, as the gangs menacing behavior devolves into absolute chaos and bone-chilling violence.
Sarasota Police Chief, Peter J. Abbott, vows to bring the participants to justice and end the palpable fear that hangs over the Suncoast. "We have evidence connecting members of these two gangs to several recent murders in Sarasota and Manatee Counties, which we are pursuing. But we will never surrender our city or its innocent residents to the kind of open warfare that took place at Five Points this past weekend. The scales of justice will always prevail."
Friday, April 3, 2009
"We were out one night in London at some karaoke bar and Silvio coaxed us up on stage and it just kind of all came together. People were cheering and whistling. We had a blast, man" said President Obama. "What better way to get nations to come together than through music and snappy banter?"
Prime Minister Berlusconi continued, " Being Italian, I have such a great respect for all things Sinatra and am honored to celebrate our shared heritage this way. Barack is a natural showman and his athleticism shows in his tap numbers. And, Dimitri--what can you say about this guy? He's got that "Dino" routine down pat, from the crooning to the double entendre jokes to the ubiquitous scotch and cigarette in his hands. He can be quite the heart throb when he gets a couple of drinks in him, which is pretty much all the time," which evoked guffaws from the other two men.
The three world leaders will continue to work on their act while Obama remains in Europe. No Las Vegas opening date has been set, but all of the big name venues are already prepared to bid on what has been tentatively dubbed "The Rat Pack Revisited, The World Stimulus Tour."
Upon hearing the news, rioting broke out in Glasgow, Edinburgh and several other cities in Scotland, threatening to scuttle the Tartan Day festivities in Sarasota. Authorities were taken by surprise by the numbers and vitriol of the protesters. Said one police official, "Ay naer swain a glaedy binna grebel don, ab kinna dolna," which, when translated, is complete gibberish.
"I can't believe this is happening to me," lamented the beleaguered mayor. "First, I get booed at the last Reds game yesterday, now those plaid-wearing bastards want to give me grief about being a 'Scot for a day'? I hope they all choke on their haggis."
"How come nobody booed Barbetta when he was 'honorary shill for the Red Sox'?"
As the plaque bestowing temporary status as a Scot was handed to Palmer, the bagpiper and his accompanying entourage lifted their kilts in "salute" to the mayor.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
"I met Mr. Osegueda in Ft. Myers some months back and was overwhelmed with his infectious enthusiasm and, when this opportunity presented itself, I knew that he was my guy," said the President. "Change is coming to America and it's going to begin with GM."
Mr. Osegueda, a Ft. Myers college student and fast food worker, became a media sensation following his question to Mr. Obama at a town hall meeting in February.
Experts in the business sector were stunned with the announcement. Jim Cramer had to be sedated following the news and Rick Santelli stormed off the floor of the NY Stock Exchange and has not been heard from since.
When asked by CNN this morning how he reacted to Pres. Obama's call offering him the job, Mr. Osegueda said, "I remember saying 'Oh this is such a blessing to talk to you Mr. President. Thank you for taking time out of your day. Oh gracious God thank you so much.'"
Ousted CEO, Fritz Henderson, doesn't think he'll last long in the job. "Wait 'til this kid finds out that the Big Three CEOs have agreed to take a $1 per year salary. He'll go running back to McDonald's and his $8.00 an hour paycheck."