Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Where's Gov. Mark "Waldo" Sanford?

South Carolina governor, Mark Sanford, had been MIA for seven days and there was much speculation about his whereabouts and his subsequent lack of communication with his staff.

In chronological order, he was:

a.) hiking the Appalachin Trail by himself w/o his cellphone to clear his head:

b.) driving along the coast of Argentina by himself w/o his cellphone to clear his head:

c.) banging the brains out of his "dear, dear friend" in Argentina, not giving two shits if he had his cellphone or not. To clear his head, of course:

As of a Weds. news conference, the governor now chooses "c"--cavorting with a woman living in Argentina that he's known for eight years, but didn't get frisky with until about a year ago. And he's only seen her three times since then, maybe because his wife found out about it five months ago. That would tend to put a crimp in anybody's extramarital love life.

Gov. Sanford began his news conference innocuously enough, waxing poetic about his love of hiking and how he used to guide trips along the Appalachian Trail before saying, "Oh, and by the way, I've been cheating on my wife, too. But, enough about that, let's talk some more about hiking."

He then went on to tell reporters that he spent "the last five days of my life crying in Argentina," then broke into song, imploring, "Don't cry for me, Argentina....." His vocal stylings were met with only a smattering of applause.

He also announced that he was resigning as not only the head of the Republican Governors Association, but resigning from being the mystery Argentinian woman's "hoochee-coochee man." Not surprising, given that they were intimate only three times in the last year. He did not address why she wasn't given a post in his administration, as is the custom in American politics.

He did not say whether he would step down as governor of South Carolina, as it would probably depend on if his ramblings about God's law, moral absolutes and following one's heart would be enough to get him off the hook with Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Dick Cheney, the ethereal triumverate of the Republican Party.

It is assumed that the Argentinian floozie is over 18 and not a family member, so fellow governor, Sarah Palin, should have no beef with Gov. Sanford.

Last week, Sen. John Ensign of Nevada (rated 100% by the Christian Coalition, by the way) admitted to an affair with a married campaign staffer and would be resigning from his GOP leadership post.

Here's hoping that these things happen in 'threes'?

Friday, June 19, 2009

City Commission Bows To Arts Council, Bans Bayfront Sculpture Gift

Instead of waiting for their scheduled July 6 meeting to determine the fate of the popular bayfront sculpture entitled "Unconditional Surrender," the Sarasota City Commission has already made the decision to refuse the proposed gift of an aging veteran to permanently place the piece near downtown Sarasota.

A commissioner, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, defended their decision. "While we realize it's an enormously popular attraction for people of all ages, my fellow commissioners and I found that most of our big campaign donors said that it wasn't really art and did not want the sculpture in Sarasota. And as elected members of this commission, we are duty bound to abide by the will of the wealthy."

A comment posted on the reader forum by one 'dbarthoemail' seemed indicative of the sentiment of the Sarasota Arts Council:

Although my major at Wesleyan was Western European Civilization. My minor was U.S History-a course I taught for many years at the high school level-and I loved it. I absolutely support commemorating historical events like VJ-Day. However-the Unconditional Surrender statue on Bayshore Drive is anything but a work of artby any standard. It's very size is an embarrassment. It's carnival like appearence is an insult to that defineing moment in our history. People are drawn to its clumsy-awkward immensity not what it represents. It denegrates and demeans the natural beauty of Bay Shore Drive. It should be permanently removed and replaced with something more dignified-something that truly honors that illustrious-memorable and profound event in our history.

To that end, the Arts Council has recommended--and the commissioners have given their tentative approval to--this "more dignfied" art installation "that truly honors that illustrious-memorable and profound event in our history," the conclusion of WWII:

Obama Administration Mired in 'Flygate,' Coverup Could Signal End of Presidency

A seemingly off-handed incident involving the swatting of a housefly during an televised interview of the president has unexpectedly raised the stock of the commander-in-chief to new heights, but could also prove be his undoing.

White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, commented, "This is even better than when Bush landed on the aircraft carrier to announce 'Mission Accomplished.'"

The President, after being repeatedly buzzed by the errant fly during the interview, set the trap. He went into stealth mode, waited for the fly to land on the back of his hand, sprung his lethal snare by deftly swatting the insect and then unceremoniously dumping its lifeless corpse onto the White House carpet.

President Obama, obviously revelling in his opportunity to showcase his cat-like reflexes, exclaimed, "I got the sucker," while the camera zoomed in on the hapless fly.

But on his Thursday afternoon radio talk show, Rush Limbaugh, patron saint of right-wing conservatives everywhere, leaked the shocking news that the entire incident had been staged for the cameras as a ploy for the president to gain a foothold with those voters who view him as too meek, too soft to be an effective leader, especially if Dick Cheney's wet dream of a terrorist attack comes to pass.

Limbaugh said he learned of the faux fly swat when his sources inside PETA (yes, they're everywhere!) were assured that "no flies were harmed in the filming of the interview" and that the 'insect' was actually two entities--an animatronic flying robot, supplied by the Department of Defense and a stunt fly, which was used for the close-up death scenes.

Glenn Beck, apparently also apprised of the deception, fed into his core audience's love of conspiracy theories when he announced that unnamed sources had informed him that, after the 'fly' was knocked to the ground, Obama leapt to his feet, raised his arms over his head and shouted, "Who's your daddy, now, Super Fly? You thought you were badass coming in here--this is MY house! And your mama was a maggot, bitch!"

Beck said that Obama was advised to cut this last scene from the final video, as it was deemed 'too bloodthirsty' and 'too vindictive' for the general viewing public.

As of Friday morning, the White House has had no comment on these latest allegations.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Sarasota City Commission Rejects Roundabouts on Rt. 41, Opt For 8-Lane Expressway Instead

Bowing to pressure from concerned citizens that the six roundabouts proposed to be built on Rt. 41 (Tamiami Trail) in Sarasota would serve only to slow down traffic, the city commissioners and mayor, Dick Clapp, have announced that those plans have been scrapped. Instead, construction will soon begin on a new eight-lane limited access expressway--tentatively named 'The Neil Mohamed Husani Memorial Highway'--that will extend the entire length of the city limits, from University Parkway in the north to Bee Ridge Rd. in the south.

Said Commissioner Suzanne Atwell, "Our constituents have spoken and made it abundantly clear that the roundabouts would have been an impediment to getting from point A to point B in a timely fashion. While we still think the roundabouts would have been aesthetically pleasing and have served to give our city's bayfront a signature look, we felt, in the end, we had to be more sensitive to the needs of our citizens, especially those voters who have the financial means to still drive big cars that would have been hard to negotiate around those roundabouts at the speeds at which these important campaign contributors are accustomed to driving, not to mention the construction vehicles and tanker trucks that will soon be using this stretch of roadway when we begin the process of drilling for oil off the white, sandy beaches of our beautiful city."

The new plans, to be unveiled at a hastily-called public advisory meeting to be held during happy hour at the newly-expanded Marina Jack's Bayfront Luxury Resort, call for one multi-level cloverleaf exchange each at the north and south termini of the expressway and only one interchange for access to downtown Sarasota, located directly in front of the new Marina Jack's Bayfront Luxury Resort.

Some detractors have questioned the fact that there will be only one access point to downtown, as well as the reasoning behind having all traffic exiting the expressway to be funneled through the parking lot to the entrance to Marina Jack's Bayfront Luxury Resort before having to make a U-turn to enter the underpass that leads to downtown. Bob Soran, owner of the Marina Jack complex and recipient of numerous sweetheart deals from the city fathers, downplays the concerns. "I have entered into an agreement with the City of Sarasota to sell them the rights to construct the Bob Soran Interchange on property administered by Marina Jack's that had been leased from the city last year. While there are those who may be upset about no interchange at Fruitville Road, it only makes sense to have all traffic destined for Sarasota to have their first view of our hometown to be the beautiful Marina Jack's Bayfront Luxury Resort, instead of Fruitville's crappy view of a chain link fence surrounding an empty lot. Although, if the city ever comes into ownership of that piece of property, I might be interested in a low-cost lease of that particular parcel...... "

"Am I right or am I right??"
Spectacular entrance to Marina Jack's Bayfront Luxury Resort

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

My Apology To Gov. Palin, Her Family And All Hypocrites Everywhere

“All right, here – I’ve been thinking about this situation with this blog now , and maybe you know about it, maybe you don’t know about it. But all of the stuff on here is just plain stupid, and some of it is kind of coarse. There’s no getting around it, but I never thought it was a big deal. Yeah. But the content really, in and of itself, can’t be defended. The next day, people are outraged. They’re angry at me because they said, ‘How could you write a lousy blog like that?' And I had, honestly, no idea that anybody was reading this blog."

“But I didn’t, and now people are getting angry and they’re saying, ‘Well, how can you write something like that and does that make you feel good to make that horrible blog?' I had no idea. And, but still, I’m wondering, ‘Well, what can I do to help people understand that I should have never made a blog like this?’ I’ve never made a blog like this. And I understand, of course, why people are upset. I would be upset myself."

“And then I was watching the Jim Lehrer ‘Newshour’ – this commentator, the columnist Mark Shields, was talking about how I had made this indefensible blog and I thought, ‘Oh, boy, now I’m beginning to understand what the problem is here. It’s the perception rather than the intent.’ It doesn’t make any difference what my intent was, it’s the perception. And, as they say about blogs, if you have to explain the blog, it’s not a very good blog."

"And I’m certainly--well, my responsibility – I take full blame for that. I made a bad blog. I made a blog that was beyond flawed, and my intent is completely meaningless compared to the perception. And since it was a just a blog, I feel that I need to do the right thing here and apologize for having made this blog. It’s not your fault that it was misunderstood, it’s my fault that it was misunderstood. So I would like to apologize, especially to the two people who read this blog and everybody else who is outraged by this blog. I’m sorry about it and I’ll try to do better in the future. Thank you very much."

Replied the good governorette of Alaska:

"Of course, it's accepted on behalf of self-righteous hypocrites everywhere, like the Republican Party, televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Rich Swier and Wild Thing, who fervently pray that blogs will focus solely on proselytizing the conservative agenda, like providing guns to all junior high kids."

"One-Eyed Dick certainly has the right to blog about whatever he wants to, and thankfully we have the right to express our reaction. And this is all thanks to our U.S. military women and men putting their lives on the line for us to secure America's right to free speech -- in this case, may that right be used to promote equality and respect."

Whew! I'm glad we got that cleared up........

Monday, June 8, 2009

Sotomayor Breaks Ankle, Obama Tells Biden To "Put Her Down"

The Obama administration's nominee to the US Supreme Court, Sonia Sotomayor, broke her ankle in an airport fall while on her way to meet with members of Congress in Washington.

The President, just back from Europe, told his vice-president, Joe Biden, to "take care of it." When Biden asked for clarification, Pres. Obama was heard to say, "Look, Joe, I jist got back from palaverin' with important folk, then ridin' herd on the missus and the younguns' all through Par-ee. Hell, I'd druther try to bareback a bangtail through Bozeman than have to chase all them fillies around agin. I'm plumb tuckered out."

"Her leg's broke, Joe. Ain't nothin' nobody can do for her now. You know what you have to do."

"It's time to show you ride for the brand, Joe......"

Monday, June 1, 2009

Learn How to Predict the Economy Like the Big Boys

A top-secret government software program that all economists worldwide are using to predict highly-specialized models of the future of the global economy has inadvertantly been leaked. Hank Fishkind, Sean Snaith, Paul Krugman, Ben Bernanke, Alan Greenspan---we're on to you now.

Learn how to be a "highly-respected economist." Click here.