Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Where's Gov. Mark "Waldo" Sanford?

South Carolina governor, Mark Sanford, had been MIA for seven days and there was much speculation about his whereabouts and his subsequent lack of communication with his staff.

In chronological order, he was:

a.) hiking the Appalachin Trail by himself w/o his cellphone to clear his head:

b.) driving along the coast of Argentina by himself w/o his cellphone to clear his head:

c.) banging the brains out of his "dear, dear friend" in Argentina, not giving two shits if he had his cellphone or not. To clear his head, of course:

As of a Weds. news conference, the governor now chooses "c"--cavorting with a woman living in Argentina that he's known for eight years, but didn't get frisky with until about a year ago. And he's only seen her three times since then, maybe because his wife found out about it five months ago. That would tend to put a crimp in anybody's extramarital love life.

Gov. Sanford began his news conference innocuously enough, waxing poetic about his love of hiking and how he used to guide trips along the Appalachian Trail before saying, "Oh, and by the way, I've been cheating on my wife, too. But, enough about that, let's talk some more about hiking."

He then went on to tell reporters that he spent "the last five days of my life crying in Argentina," then broke into song, imploring, "Don't cry for me, Argentina....." His vocal stylings were met with only a smattering of applause.

He also announced that he was resigning as not only the head of the Republican Governors Association, but resigning from being the mystery Argentinian woman's "hoochee-coochee man." Not surprising, given that they were intimate only three times in the last year. He did not address why she wasn't given a post in his administration, as is the custom in American politics.

He did not say whether he would step down as governor of South Carolina, as it would probably depend on if his ramblings about God's law, moral absolutes and following one's heart would be enough to get him off the hook with Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Dick Cheney, the ethereal triumverate of the Republican Party.

It is assumed that the Argentinian floozie is over 18 and not a family member, so fellow governor, Sarah Palin, should have no beef with Gov. Sanford.

Last week, Sen. John Ensign of Nevada (rated 100% by the Christian Coalition, by the way) admitted to an affair with a married campaign staffer and would be resigning from his GOP leadership post.

Here's hoping that these things happen in 'threes'?

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