Thursday, December 31, 2009
The two gunmen, possibly affiliated with White House enforcer, Rahm Emanuel, are believed to have acted at the behest of President Obama in his well-publicized bid to take over Fox News. Both men were vacationing in Hawaii when the incident occurred.
That evening, when close friend and political ally, Glenn Beck, went to the hospital to visit Limbaugh, he was struck by the singular lack of security at the facility as he walked the dark and deserted halls, finding not even a single guard stationed outside the room of the wounded icon nor any activity of any kind at Hawaii's premier medical complex.
Beck's visit with his unconscious friend was interrupted by a single nurse, who informed him that the police made everyone leave about ten minutes ago, citing too many visitors. Beck asked the nurse to stay while he called Limbaugh's close friend and Republican leader, former Vice-President Dick Cheney.
"Listen, I got here late. There's nobody here. Nobody--no O'Reilly, no Hannity, no detectives, nobody. Rushbo's all alone. Send somebody right away."
Beck then told the nurse to help him relocate Limbaugh's bed to another room.
"You know my friend? Men are coming here to kill him. You understand? Now help me, please."
Just as the two wheeled the bed into another room, Beck heard a door close down the hall and saw an unfamiliar figure holding flowers, apparently looking for a particular room. Beck, wiping tears from his constantly weeping eyes when in the presence of other right-wing conservatives, confronted the figure, "Who are you?"
"I'm Sarah, Sarah Palin. Don't you remember me?" came the answer.
"Ahhh, Sarah. You better get out of here, Sarah; there's gonna be trouble... No, wait. Maybe YOU should stay and I should go if there's gonna be trouble...."
"If there is trouble, I'm stayin' right here to help you, you betcha. For our friend--for our America."
Beck turned to the prone Limbaugh to tell him that he would take care of him, kissed his hand and sobbed loudly. Palin struggled to pull Beck away from Limbaugh's bedside, finally loosening his grasp on Limbaugh's hand, and the two made their way from the room and waited outside at the entrance to the hospital.
Beck turned to Palin and pulled up the genuine baby seal fur collar on her familiar red suit. "Come here. Put your hand in your pocket like you have a gun. You'll be alright, you'll be okay. I don't think I will, though....."
Just then, a black Suburban pulled up to the front of the hospital. The occupants looked at Beck and Palin through the dark, tinted windows, as Beck undid a button of his coat and put his hand inside, as if he had a gun.
The SUV had just begun to pull away when a succession of rapid-fire gunshots rang out. The Suburban veered wildly, careened over a fire hydrant and crashed into several parked cars before bursting into flames. A shaken Beck looked over at Palin in bewilderment, only to discover the former governor holding a smoking TEC-9 mini fully-automatic threaded-muzzle machine pistol with a collapsible polymer stock and 36-round custom magazine.
"Hey, listen, you know what the real difference between a pit bull and a soccer mom is? This little baby," she said quietly, as she calmly returned the weapon to her shoulder holster and patted her lapel, just below her American flag pin.
She then pulled out a pack of Lucky Strikes and lit a cigarette. Turning to the now hysterical Glenn Beck, she asked, "So, was it good for you, too?"
Services for the five tourists riding in the black Surburban, who were while driving home from Harry Hookelau's All-You-Can-Eat Luau when they were killed by Ms. Palin, have not been announced.
Monday, December 28, 2009
In a statement released Monday afternoon, Buccaneer owner, Malcolm Glazer, admitted to replacing his entire player roster with members of the Manatee High School Hurricane football team, who had just recently lost the state title game to Plant City. Glazer indicated that he would have tried to get the Plant City squad to substitute for the Buccaneers, but feared that such an extreme jump in the caliber of play would give away his plan, opting instead for a lesser-quality team that would be just a little better than the professional players.
"To my dismay," the report quotes Glazer, "the Hurricane players competed with a level of intensity and athleticism great enough to defeat the New Orleans Saints. I had hoped only to field a team that would not be embarrass our organization as we were in our previous game with the Saints, which we lost some weeks earlier in Tampa by a score of 38-7."
"I take full responsibility for this act of chicanery. Coach Raheem Morris, as I had expected, was so caught up in the fact that he had a team that was, for a change, competitive with the opposition that he failed to notice different players wearing the familiar jerseys. Our regular players were told that a rare December hurricane had hit New Orleans, forcing the cancellation of Sunday's game. Once again as I had expected, not one of our players questioned that statement".
The plan began to unravel Sunday evening when several of the high school substitutes went missing in New Orleans and were not on the flight home to Tampa, causing their parents to demand to know their whereabouts. Glazer had previously told Manatee parents that he was treating the boys to an all-expense paid trip to watch the Bucs play in the Big Easy as a reward for their stellar season this year, but had to own up to the true details when it was learned that the missing boys had been arrested by New Orleans authorities for causing a disturbance at a strip club in the French Quarter.
The boys have since been bailed out and have returned to Bradenton where they are in the custody of their parents.
Parents of some of the Manatee footballers have been trying to learn what kind of financial remuneration, if any, their sons received for the stunt and have contacted the NCAA to determine if being paid to play football would jeopardize their eligibility to play college ball. NCAA officials were quoted as saying, "We're not sure we understand the question...."
"You guys want to go check out some boobies on Bourbon Street when we're done here today?"
Sunday, December 27, 2009
In 2004, after taking the University of Utah to an unprecedented 12-0 record, including a Fiesta Bowl win, Meyer chose to leave a football program he had built into a powerhouse at the same time his star quarterback at the school, Alex Smith, graduated and went on to become the NFL's first round draft pick overall. Meyer was emotionally devastated when Smith graduated and turned pro.
Allegations that Meyer and Smith were more than coach and player abounded at the primarily Mormon university and Meyer was asked to step down when it was learned that Meyers was stalking Smith to the point of calling the front office of the San Francisco 49ers, Smith's new team, and telling them he wanted a job--any job--with the team, just to be close to his former quarterback. Said one school administrator, "Being Mormon, we wouldn't have cared if Urban would have been chasing some coed around, wanting to be married to more than one wife, but we put our foot down when it comes to requiring that the wives all have to be female. And they should be, at least, 12-years old. We do have our standards, after all."
Meyer, apparently spurned by Smith and the 49ers, accepted the head coaching position at Florida the next year, essentially, to be "as far away as humanly possible from San Francisco and that man, Smith, and not having to coach, like, the Newfoundland Flounders in the Canadian Football League."
In 2006, he struck up a friendship with a reserve freshman quarterback named Tim Tebow, who became the starter the following season, eventually winning, not only the Heisman Trophy that year, but the heart of his coach, as well. By all accounts, the attraction was mutual.
The strain on Meyer's marriage was palpable and it was believed that wife, Shelly, stayed with Urban just for the sake of Gator Nation, hoping that life would get back to normal when Tebow graduated in 2009.
Then, during the SEC title game in Atlanta, the tension of Tebow's imminent departure from Meyer's life came to a head, so much so that Tebow left the field of play in tears and Meyer was so overwhelmed that he checked himself into a hospital.
Then, right before Christmas, Shelly Meyer supposedly found a locket that her husband intended to give Tebow, with the inscription:
.... whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried....
Unconfirmed reports from unsubstantiated sources indicate that Urban Meyer was chased from his Gainesville home in the wee hours of the morning by his incensed wife, who was wielding a 7-iron in a menacing manner. (Mrs. Meyer had, some time ago, recorded a public service announcement promoting marriage in Orlando with Elin Woods.) University officials believe that it was this incident that prompted Meyer to claim that he was stepping down as head coach due to "health reasons."
To add to his health woes, Meyer has apparently just suffered an acute attack of Brett Favre Syndrome and has announced his 'unretirement.' He is unsure when he will return to active coaching, as he has informed aides that he will be taking some time off to hike the Appalachian Trail. In Argentina.
While all of Gator Nation holds its collective breath to see what Meyer's next move will be, UF admits to offering a 10-year long-term contract package to Joe Paterno, head coach of the Penn State Nittany Lions. The 83-year old coaching legend has reportedly turned down the offer saying, "Youse guys should probably get somebody younger, like Bobby Bowden. He's unemployed and he's only 80. I've probably only got another 7-8 good years left in me to coach at this level. Urban's right; coaching is a high stress job. Although, ha, to be 'burned out' at 45 does seem--I don't know--kinda wussy to me. I mean, he hasn't even broken a hip yet, has he?"
"Timmy, I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly."
Saturday, December 26, 2009
The play unfolded with Pope Benedict XVI following his blockers down the aisle on the opening drive of the mass. Suddenly bumrushed by a defender angling in from the sidelines, the Holy Father, criticized by some as having lost a step or two in recent years, was unable to sidestep from one of his own blockers being pushed into him by the would-be tackler and went down after only a short gain.
Referees immediately ruled that the tackler had been out of bounds prior to making the hit and was, therefore, ineligible to return to the field of play for the remainder of the down. The opposing team, Crazy Heathens With Psychological Problems, argued that the red-shirted freshman, Susanna Maiolo, was not out of bounds and did, in fact, make a legal tackle.
The partisan crowd stood shocked as the Pontiff was slow in getting up, as he seemed to go down awkwardly on his wrist that had been broken in the off-season. Replays on the Jumbotron suspended from the vaulted ceiling of the venerable centuries-old facility showed Benedict XVI trying to spin out of the grasp of the tackler, but unable to break free and going down.
Following a brief review from the booth confirming the initial ruling of an illegal tackle, the raucous crowd roared their approval when the Benedict-led home team was awarded an advance of additional 15 pews.
The delay seemed to be all the Pope needed to shake off the hit and, when Mass resumed, Benedict XVI, as he has done so many times since taking over this team, marched all the way down the aisle for the score, essentially changing the momentum of the evening and deflating any hopes for an upset.
In a post-Mass interview, the Pope labeled this as a team victory that he was happy to have played a part in, saying, "Coming on this day, in our home church, before a big crowd like this, it was a special Mass, that's for sure. The intensity of the hitting out there tonight reminded me of when we used to play the Lions in the old Coliseum."
The fan favorite, affectionately known as Benedictus Magnus (Big Ben) was then ushered into the Vatican's state-of-the-art training facility for treatment of his bruised arm, but not before flashing that famous smile, giving the thumbs up to the cameras and making the sign of the cross.
The Vatican team, however, did lose veteran nose tackle, Roger Etchegaray, on the play, who went down with a hip injury and will out for the remainder of the season. League officials have been under fire lately to tone down the physicality of the game, citing recent numerous injuries. The Vatican next plays the Parliamente d'Italia one week from today; a team, whose starting signal caller, Silvio Berlusconi, remains doubtful for the contest after suffering a possible concussion earlier this month from a hit to the face, ironically enough, from another player with the Crazy Heathens With Psychological Problems.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Thanks for helping to make this past year such a success by continuing to be so loony. May the coming New Year be as much fun as 2009 was. For us, at least......
Merry Xmas to you!
FOTB (Friends of The Boss)
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Thanks for all the golden rings; you have the found the true meaning of Christmas giving.
We are absolutely positive that the coming year is going to be HUGE! And we don't want any of our close friends in Sarasota to be left out of this sure-fire opportunity to make serious money.
Guaranteeing you big returns in '10,
Art, Marian, John, Neil & Beau
PS. Don't forget to put it on "full screen."
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Or, they used to.
This year will be the last hurrah for the Sevignys, as they are ending their run on Dec. 23rd. "Just like everything else--too much politics," explained Ray. "I got notices from the county about having no permits, about traffic issues, about code violations, about noise issues. I even got a notice from animal services about keeping reindeer without a permit. They're plywood, for crying out loud! I'm a 75-year old retiree. I can't afford a lawyer and I can't afford the fines they threaten me with, so the hell with it."
In years past, Ray said he would get letters from some area churches complaining that he was missing the true meaning of Christmas, as well as letters from the ACLU threatening legal action because some of his yard decorations were Christian.
Teachers complained that he was perpetuating the myth of Santa Claus instead of true meaning of the holiday--supply-side economics.
Ray's wife reminded him about the time a group of pagan Druids showed up and demanded equal time in his front yard for their winter solstice celebration. "I tried to be open-minded," said Ray, "but I threw them out when they built the bonfire, took off their clothes and were just about to do who-knows-what to that poor goat they had tied up."
"Oh, I've had shouting matches with Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Taoists, Jehovah's Witnesses, Seventh-Day Adventists, Unitarians, all of 'em. The worst, by far, are those Mennonites and Amish from over on Bahia Vista. They just ride back and forth, back and forth on those damn tricycles, not saying anything. Just watching. Staring. Like they're looking right through you. It gives me and the missus the willies."
He's also been the recipient of a nasty campaign by Sarasota's Public Arts Council, who called their Christmas display "tacky, tasteless to the point of being revolting and an affront to art lovers everywhere." Arts maven, Virginia Hoffman, suggested that Sevigny take his "wretched bit of vulgarity and set it up next to that hideous statue of the nurse and sailor, so we could, at least, keep all the crap together."
The two area malls have sent letters in years past threatening legal action over taking business away from their "official" Santas. "Hell, I never even knew there was such as thing as 'official' Santas until some big guys showed up here one December telling me that I had to join the union--the Amalgamated Federation of the Brotherhood of Santas --if I wanted to keep doing this," said Ray.
"Fredd Atkins led a protest march one year because we didn't have anything about Kwanzaa and we don't have any black people in our sleigh. It seats TWO--me and my wife. The tree-huggers were here because they objected to us putting lights on our pine trees; they said it was 'demeaning' to the trees. Other environmentalists complained that we made too big of a carbon footprint, created too much greenhouse gasses and used too much electricity."
"Florida Power & Light, on the other hand, has sent us a nice Christmas card every year since we've been doing this."
Sevigny says he's selling all his yard decorations, lights and even his plywood sleigh to Langdon Wishek, the creepy loner who lives by himself in the spooky old house the end of the street, who vows to keep up the neighborhood tradition.
"Wait'll they get a load of the new Santa......"
Thursday, December 17, 2009
A passerby found the unresponsive Brian Wood, 55, while on his way to a friend's house with his girlfriend in an unpopulated area without street lighting. Reluctant to get out of his vehicle, 19-year old Mark Minisci, Jr. drove to a nearby 7-11 and used the pay phone to call for help. Unfortunately, he made the mistake of calling 911, instead.
Minisci informed North Port 911 operator, Nadia Kashitskaya, about a man lying along "Lovebird" or "Lovesong" Road, to which the operator curtly informed him that she had no such street name listed. Undeterred, Minisci gave her turn-by-turn directions to the site, to which the operator again curtly informed him that, "Our system doesn't work like that."
Now bewildered, Minisci gave up. He probably thought 911 was going to ask him to go back and check on the guy's vital signs and call back to determine whether it was an emergency or if it could wait until somebody had some free time to go look for themselves.
Curiosity got the better of Minisci, so he took some friends back to the area the following day and, lo and behold, the corpse was still there--some 16 hours after he had called 911. Armed with the correct spelling of the street this time, he again called North Port 911 to report a body beside LOVEring Rd.
Only, by now, the body had a string of Christmas lights around it and, this being North Port, several code violation notices tucked behind its glasses, as well as traffic barricades on both sides of it.
North Port Police Chief, Terry Lewis, proudly announced, "From what I have been able to determine so far, it appears it was operator error and the 911 system worked." By "worked," the chief meant that someone picked up the phone when it rang.
He also cited underfunding as a reason why the 911 operator could not make the connection between "Lovering" Rd. and what the caller supposed was "Lovebird" or "Lovesong" Rd. The Chief explained that in instances where an operator can't find a street name on the 1987 Texaco Oil Co. map that the city uses, the operator has instructions to call longtime resident, Wilma Kaminsky, who knows most of the city's streets, having worked as a mail carrier in the area for 22 years.
Unfortunately, Mrs. Kaminsky was babysitting her two grandchildren at her daughter Sylvia's home the night that this particular call came in and hubby, Ed, ususally doesn't answer the phone when Wilma's not home, since it's almost never for him and Ed's not much of a talker anyway.
The Chief blamed neighborhood hooligans for putting the Christmas lights on the body of the man, but praised the Public Works Dept. for installing the traffic barricades, calling the placement of one on either side of the 'hazard' a "textbook example of traffic safety."
The North Port Public Safety Dept. is already reeling from the dismissal of two of it's fire dept. personnel for choosing to continue to coach a youth soccer game instead of responding to an emergency call while on duty. "I don't know what more the public wants from us," complained one emergency responder. "We get in trouble for driving a fire truck out of our assigned area to coach soccer and not answering a call. I mean, it's not like we didn't go check on this guy. We did. Eventually."
The city's legal department said that the late Mr. Wood is being cited for, among other things, impeding traffic, camping without a permit and having an illegal Christmas display on a public right-of-way. "It doesn't matter to us who put the lights there," they explained, "the deceased is responsible and, ergo, his heirs and assigns are accruing the accompanying fines daily. And we won't take a settlement, so don't even ask!"
It was also learned that the city's road crew was also in the area the next day doing some sprucing up of the neighborhood's streets and, according to unnamed officials "may have inadvertently impacted" the lifeless body of Mr. Wood.
"Impacted", as in:
Monday, December 14, 2009
Berea Cowpens, 82, said they had never come forward before to tell their story out of a deep and abiding respect for Mr. Palmer and his family. Upon hearing about the outrageous sums of money that some of the alleged mistresses of fellow golf legend, Tiger Woods, are getting, Mrs. Cowpens opined, "I worked for 43 years as a high-school librarian in a little hick town in Georgia and when I found out how much those cocktail waitresses were raking in for a People Magazine interview, my support hose started to roll up and down. Our deep and abiding respect for Arnie doesn't pay our bingo tabs, now does it, girls?"
Added 91-year old Clover DeBordieu, "I'm about due for my third artificial hip and this will help me afford the JRC-77 model, instead of those generic pieces of Japanese plastic-and-cardboard crap they used on me before. I'm ready for an upgrade."
"You know that Harry Maguire movie with those two boys, Dom Cruise and Cutie Gooding, Jr.," chimed in 88-year old Hilda Gaffney McBee. "Well, we say "Flow us the honey!" I wasted the best years of my life married to that blowhard, Mr. Braswell McBee, and what do I have to show for it, God rest his soul. Three ungrateful kids and a bunch of snotty grandkids who never come to visit their old grandma. Who needs 'em, anyway? Just 'Flow us the honey, sonny!'"
"Well, back in the day, I was quite the catch," reminisced Monetta Smoaks, who is a spry 98-years young. "I knew Arnie when he was just a boy growing up in Latrobe. He used to work at the country club there and I would play a round weekly. Once he and I got to know each other a little better, though, we played around a lot more, if you catch my drift. And, I can tell you that it was never weakly, either!"
"I can assure you girls that I was his favorite," gushed her younger sister, 89-year old Augusta Smoaks. "We would just laugh and laugh when the newspapers would write about my Arnie playing the Masters, with headlines like 'Arnie Takes Augusta' or 'Arnie Pounds Augusta' or 'Arnie Has His Way in Augusta.' He was such a scamp, my Arnie was."
"And that famous line that his wife, Winnie, used on the Tonight Show about "kissing Arnie's balls for luck," that was my line, except that I wasn't talking about his Titleists when I said it. And, yes, it certainly did make his putter stand up...."
"Ah, dear, dear Winnie," said Mrs. Cowpens. "My stars, could she be a spitfire. Don't you think for one minute that Tiger Wood's wife was the first jealous woman to beat out the windows of a car, trying to put a divot in her husband. That Elin Woods doesn't hold a candle to Winnie. Driver, sand wedge, irons, didn't matter to her; she'd whale away until they broke, then just go get another club out of the bag and keep on swinging."
"Don't get us wrong," explained Mrs. DeBourdieu, "we don't begrudge these bleach-blonde, no-account Las Vegas floozie cocktail-waitress-and-hostess tramps for whatever they can shakedown poor Mr. Woods, but things were a lot different in golf, as well as in life in our day. We all had respectable lives and some of us even had semi-respectable husbands, but this was Arnie. We all just knew he'd be big someday."
"But, back then, we didn't just jet off to Australia or even Vegas. When the tour would come to our towns, we'd meet up with Arnie in some very strange places. Sometimes it would be in a motel, sometimes it would be in a deserted locker room, sometimes it was in the back of that rickety old 1958 Plymouth he drove around in. One time, we even did it in a sand trap. That was pretty awful. Do you know how long it takes you to get sand out of your..."
"Did I ever tell you girls about the time Arnie's wife broke the windows out of Braswell's Buick?" interrupted Mrs. McBee.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Scientists who had been tracking the wayward ice floe for several months continued to assure anxious Aussies that they had nothing to fear as the iceberg was on track to contact the Australian coast with no more than a glancing blow south of Sydney, near the capital of Canberra. The Australian government sought to reassure both nationals and foreigners that the iceberg would have no more impact on the continent than "an errant shrimp falling off the barbie on any given day."
"I find it incomprehensible that anyone could believe in this day and age that a melting block of ice could affect a titanic land mass like Australia," said lead scientist and glacioligist of reknown, Neal Young.
Dr. Young stood awestruck upon the deck of a ship monitoring the iceberg when it came ashore some 75 km. south of Sydney Harbor. A shower of ice fell onto the beach, much to the delight of the assembled onlookers, as they rushed to scoop up frozen souvenirs.
A short time later, a report from downtown Canberra, seat of the Australian government, indicated that hundreds of fissures in the earth had suddenly appeared across the countryside and that seawater was spewing forth from them in frightening quantities. Dr. Young huddled with his fellow scientists and quickly determined that this new development was strictly coincidental and posed no threat to life or property whatsoever.
Over the next few hours, however, similar reports from various corners of the nation continued to arrive in alarming quantity and increasing frequency. Low-lying areas in the southern half of the country had been evacuated and were now completely underwater. Shipboard colleagues of Dr. Young noted that the throng of people that had been on the beach when the iceberg struck, had disappeared, along with many kilometers of the beach itself.
Governmental disaster agencies called for calm, urging everyone to head overland in a northerly direction or to secure passage on a seaworthy vessel of any kind and make for Tasmania or New Zealand. Pleas for assistance of any nature were flashed round the world and ships of every register sailing in the South Pacific were implored to come to the aid of the clearly sinking continent.
Communications from the coastal cities of Sydney in the east to Perth in the west were lost and television stations broadcast this image from downtown Canberra just before they, too, fell silent.
Reports of wholesale looting and panic in the streets poured in from those areas not yet underwater, as the masses tried to get their families into any craft that floated. Boat dealers, marinas and pool supply stores were inundated with terrified residents looking to save themselves. Police departments were overwhelmed and lawlessness prevailed in this nation that, ironically, was once a penal colony.
Some older residents preferred to wait quietly for the end to come, simply sitting on their porches with friends and family, drinking beer and reflecting wistfully on what bearing these dreadful circumstances might have on the upcoming Australian Football League playoffs.
Then, shortly before midnight, the northern coast of Australia raised up into the night sky and then silently slipped under the waves of the unforgiving sea. Shipboard observers there watched in horror as the Darwin Symphony Orchestra played "Nearer, My God, To Thee" on the beach as the lights of the city flickered then disappeared beneath the surface of the water, teetering for a moment as it scraped against the Great Barrier Reef before plunging into the cold, black depths of the Pacific.
An eerie calm befell the area, as the waves lapped against the sides of the assembled flotilla and the slight whimpering of children aboard rescue vessels was the only sound to be heard in the starlit night.
Dawn revealed only a gargantuan debris field and but a few survivors clinging to empty kegs of Foster's Lager beer. Here and there, a koala floated by on a sprig of eucalyptus tree.
Noted environmentalist and former American vice-president, Al Gore, predicted ecological chaos from the continental-sized mass of floating garbage. "While I appreciate the trememdous toll in the loss of millions of human lives with the sinking of Australia after being hit by an iceberg that had broken off from a melting Antartica, let me just say that, I told you so."
Akron Police Capt. Wyatt Christy offered this version of the events:
"Witnesses at the scene stated that there had been on-going trash talk during the week leading up to the game between Mrs. Harrison and Dorothea Walters, mother-in-law of Cleveland standout RB Joshua Cribbs, a graduate of nearby Kent State. Apparently there has been a long-simmering feud between the two women and it all came to a head when the Browns upset the heavily favored Steelers on Thurs. night."
Midway through the third quarter, following a long gainer for Cribbs, Mrs. Walters began her "Browns Boogaloo" victory dance, setting off Mrs. Harrison, who blindsided the shimmying Walters, knocking her to the floor. Mrs. Harrison stood over the prone Walters, taunting her to get up and "take it like a grandma," at which point the head bartender, Belmont 'Butch' Van Wert, flagged Mrs. Harrison for a personal foul and, following a brief consultation with the other bartenders, ejected her from the establishment."
"At this time, several Browns fans surrounded Mrs. Harrison and made physical contact with her, causing an equal number of black-and-gold clad supporters of Mrs. Harrison to engage the Browns fans. Soon, the entire crowd at the VFW was involved in the scuffle as the bartenders attempted to isolate Mrs. Harrison and escort her out of the building. Once outside the VFW, spectators in the parking lot began throwing beer bottles, snowballs and, at least, one tire from a 1984 Honda Civic, wrapped in a vintage Jack Lambert jersey."
"Akron P.D. were notified and responded, arriving on scene at 22:20 hours. The melee was in full swing by that time and the VFW parking lot violence had spilled over into the Tastee-Freeze parking lot, which is closed for the winter. Back up assistance was called for and arrived in the form of the Akron Fire Dept., which began hosing down the crowd, causing them to cease and desist in their hostilities and subsequently disperse. Unfortunately, due to the severe cold at the time, 38 people had to be treated for frostbite and hypothermia and there were a number of injuries from falls on the ice that formed from the sprayed water."
"Mrs. Harrison continued to be aggressive and had to be Tasered numerous times before arresting officers were able to handcuff her and place her in a patrol car. Two other persons were also transported by officers to the downtown lockup, where they all were arraigned at night court on a charge of assault."
Officials at VFW headquarters in Washington, DC, have notified Mrs. Harrison that she is forthwith suspended from all activities at the Akron VFW until further notice, including holiday events, bingos and their annual Chinese auction fundraiser in January. Said her famous son, "Look, watching football at the VFW is a violent world. I know my mother and I'm sure her emotions just got the better of her. I also know that I was glad I was getting my ass kicked playing football in Cleveland rather than getting my ass kicked by my mother in Akron. They don't call her 'Mildred, the Mauler' for nothing."
Police sources say that when 62-year old Mildred Harrison was being booked into the Akron jail, she defiantly lit up a cigarette, causing one detective to admonish her, "There's no smoking in here." Mrs. Harrison coyly replied, "What are you going to do, arrest me?" and uncrossed her legs, revealing her lack of undergarments and resulting in the spontaneous evacuation of the Akron Public Safety Bldg.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Mrs. Baxley Austell and daughter Lavonia, visiting from Tallapoosa, GA, were arrested, handcuffed and taken away shortly after this photo was taken and charged with criminal trespass and the unlawful taking of sea shells from a private beach.
Said one resident as workers installed a chain link fence across the entrance to the Siesta Key beach parking lot, "We knew this is the direction the commissoners were headed when they failed to take any action regarding signs, barriers, rabid pit bulls and other deterrents designed to keep us beachgoers from walking on sand that is being claimed by those with property rights that, according to the owners, stretch out to the 15-mile limit where the waters then become Federal property."
"I guess the good news is that the property owners are at least putting up signs warning the public about the guard dogs they have patrolling the beach now."
Commented one unidentified commissioner, "You know the old real estate saying that goes, 'Beachfront property is expensive because God's not making any more of it?' When we decided to sell off this public beach, I felt a little like God. And it felt good!"
"We need our beaches to remain a draw for the two economic engines that drive this county," the commissioner continued, "namely, the tourists and the people with money. Without them, we'd be just another backwater blip on the map, instead of being the Cultural Capital of the West Coast."
Sarasota is apparently not the only municipality with beach access that has decided to turn a profit from selling formerly-public land. North along the Suncoast, these signs greeted drivers who tried to drive across the bridges at the north and south ends of Longboat Key.
The Town Commission of Longboat Key approved the revised expansion plan of the Longboat Key Club & Resort Islandside to take over the entire island. Residents were shocked to find eviction notices being affixed to their front doors this morning as the Key Police Dept. began the odious chore of explaining to homeowners that their property had been seized during the night by virtue of eminent domain and that, as of 2:30am this morning, they were trespassing on private property belonging to the Longboat Key Club.
When contacted, Longboat officials again cited economic needs. "When we found out that Sarasota was selling its public beaches, we went to the Longboat Key Club and offered them an expansion of their expansion plans. We understand that they intend to petition the state to change the name of the island itself to 'Longboat Key Club.'"
Private citizens up and down the Suncoast were outraged that their governments had acted so brazenly, essentially barring ordinary citizens from accessing the beaches. Said one commissioner, "Don't think for one minute that we're not sensitive to the needs of the taxpayers. It's just that we're more sensitive to our needs. We're hoping that one or more of those condominiums on the beach will operate some small smidgen of sand as a pay beach or offer discounted rates to locals, at least during the off season."
A proposal is already underway by the current and future beachfront property owners to petition the county, the state and the federal governments to pay for an extensive beach renourishment program. Said one condominium owner, "I'm a taxpayer. I'm entitled to more beach. I just don't want those barges and pipes screwing up my view while they're doing it though. And no noise, either!"
One local Point of Rocks resident was seen installing these signs in the sand along her stretch of paradise.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Touted by the school as an "educational forum to showcase the vibrant academic and campus life at New College," it is hoped that the videos featured on the site will also be a high tech platform to generate interest in not only New College, but Sarasota and the greater Suncoast itself. College administrators and civic leaders alike are enthusiastic that the video collaboration with the media giant will attract new students, as well as new donors, to the school.
One video features a pre-law class, which is a relatively new course of study for the school and is designed to take advantage of the local boom in legal services, such as high-profile divorces, shielding shady investment brokers, filing foreclosures and fighting the installment of red-light cameras by the city:
The Interpretive Dance curriculum is recognized worldwide as one of the premier rhythm and movement programs, developing tomorrow's cutting edge dance artists here on the Suncoast:
The sciences are well represented at New College, as future researchers, technicians and engineers are trained in the school's state-of-the-art science labs:
Nothing personifies New College more than its committment to preserving the environment. Courses in alternative energy sources have yielded numerous break-throughs in the ongoing green revolution, but none quite as spectacularly successful as the Wind Turbine Design program:
Classroom protocol, while perhaps less than rigorous than some institutions, nevertheless fosters an intense learning environment through innovative teaching methods:
Realizing that the college experience is more than rigorous academics, other videos show the social aspect of the school. Here, the New College Voices demonstrate their talents, wowing the halftime crowd at a sold-out frisbee football game featuring the New College Nerf Dogs vs. the newly-renamed State College of Florida Nondescripts:
Dorm life at New College is an extraordinary experience for students, featuring plush accomodations overlooking the Gulf of Mexico and fine cuisine in the tastefully appointed dining room, where students enjoy the socialization with their peers and the freeflow of ideas:
New College: Where everybody's a star. For fifteen minutes. Maybe even longer.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Thank you, taxpayers!
Ditullio, on trial in New Port Richey for the stabbing death of Kristofer King and attempted murder of Patricia Wells, who was slashed repeatedly before the attacker fatally stabbed 17-year old King, a friend of her son. Ditullio is a member of the American Nazis, who maintain a stylish compound in Pasco County that is modeled after Der Fuhrer's beloved Eagle's Nest retreat in Berchtesgaden, Germany. Except that this little slice of Nazi heaven consists of a motley collection of rundown trailers covered in swastikas at the end of a dead end street. The Alps it ain't. Police believe the two victims were targeted for violence because Wells associated with a black man and King was a homosexual.
The makeup artist was charged with blotting out a swastika tattoo on the right side of Ditullio's neck, an expletive on the left side of his neck, a strand of barbed wire on his right cheek and forehead and a teardrop under his left eye, as seen in this photo:
Way to not draw attention to yourself, mein dummkopf.
For the first day of jury selection, Ditullio showed up looking remarkably different. "It's amazing what a little bit of makeup can do for some people," said the man responsible, Tydd St. Giles, who is on loan from Walt Disney World, where he does the makeup for Cinderella, Belle, Ariel, Sleeping Beauty, Dumbo and several other Disney princesses. "I think Johnny D (St. Giles pet nickname for Ditullio) has such fabulous bone structure and skin tone that it makes him easy to work with. Great raw materials. And when you get him to smile, he just lights up the room. See what I mean:
"We went with the sassy look for the first day," the makeup artist continued. "Johnny has that mischievious nature and I wanted to reflect that with the kicky, casual hairstyle, the touch of dark roots peeking out from the crown, the big silver hoop earrings, set off by the serious tone of the black coat over the black turtleneck, which hides the eye-catching, yet possibly prejudicial tattoo of barbed wire and oozing blood on his upper chest. He is, after all, on trial for first-degree murder. I also chose to go with "These Lips Don't Lie" lip gloss, playful, sexy, yet classy."
"The attorney said it might be too much of a change, too dramatic for the jury to take him seriously, so for the second day we toned it down a smidge. We softened the hair so it wasn't so brassy, we combed it down so it fell just below his shoulders, draped it over his right eye to lend that air of mystery and changed the lip gloss to something more subdued and refined. I also went with a lighter shade of foundation, since Johnny thought he looked less Aryan and didn't want to give his brothers the wrong impression. We stayed with the black over black theme for his ensemble because, well, because, like I said before, he is, after all, on trial for a senseless and brutal murder."
"But, over all, I think it works, don't you? I definitely see a little bit of Snow White in him."
Monday, December 7, 2009
Mea culpa. I have sinned.
And, so it shall be, henceforth from this day forward.
I do hereby retract and renounce everything I said in the previous installment of this wretched, hate-filled sinkhole of a blog. In a feeble and misguided attempt at humor, I inadvertently sullied and besmirched the sterling reputation of Mr. Tebow. Moreover, I grovelingly apologize to anyone of the four people who have had occasion to read this poor drivel. I have been sufficiently chastised and admonished and I have seen the light!
Can I get an "amen?"
In response to my previous post, I received this scathing rebuke in the comment section:
Hey, come on this is just absolutely ridiculous. For you to post something like this and try and accuse Tim of drinking, exposure, and worse things that i can not even say, is insane. Everything you wrote is false, even your picture is a fake. i mean seriously, come on. I have spent hours researching Tim Tebow after their loss to alabama and nothing backs you up. The gators lost this game, but in the end it all comes down to the more important things. Tim Tebow is a great guy, one that sets an example to everyone. He is truly a man after God's own heart. You can see it in him everytime you see him, hear him, etc. He loves the Lord, and proves it through his life. Tim has been an inspiration to me, an encouragement, and has given me the heart to be on fire for God even more than i ever had. He's given me courage to be strong around those who persecute me for my faith in Jesus Christ. I don't care what anyone says about me, infact, i have this desire to reach out to my friends even more. I know i am not the only one, their are many, many, more who have been touched by Tim. Tebow is truly a great big brother, and one that's loved. He has showed unbelievable strength not only physically, but spiritually. He has an amazing story, a love so great, and most of all he's a man after God's own heart. So with that being said, everything said against Tebow is only persecution and attacks, but all it does is build one up even stronger. The Lord has a way of doing that. The gator's may have lost one game, and even if they lost all their games, that doesn't matter, they'll always be my favorite. Tim, the coach, and the team have done a great job. And in my book, they're WINNERS! Tim will always be my favorite football player and overall, a blessing... Thanks Tim Tebow!!! You'll always be in my prayers and God Bless you!....
People often think i am crazy with my choice, but when i decided i didn't have anyone i really caared for, i guess i just started looking.....
PS What you did was not satire, but slander.
Can you please call off the plagues now?
- Turning the water into blood in the retention pond behind the house has killed all the fish and the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission is asking me a lot of uncomfortable questions,
- The frogs are getting out of hand, as they are all through the house and I'm feeling all warty,
- The lice are awful, but I guess it's better than having crabs,
- I have six bug zappers in the house and they can't keep up with all the flies,
- Now the guy who grazes his cattle in Palmer Ranch is accusing me of murdering his livestock,
- My health plan doesn't cover being infected with these festering boils,
- The hailstorm has just shredded the pool cage,
- Locusts have denuded every green thing in the entire neighborhood and the Homeowner's Association is up in arms,
- These last three days of darkness are not doing much for my tan, and, worst of all,
- Some kid showed up at my door today saying he was my long, lost first-born son that I never knew I had and then he dropped over dead!
Enough with the plagues, already. I said that you won. You're right, I'm wrong.
sat-ire (n.) 1. use of wit to criticize behavior: the use of wit, especially irony, sarcasm, and ridicule
slan-der (n.) 1. false and damaging statement: a false and malicious statement that damages somebody's reputation
Ergo, if I thought I was being witty (which I did, but then, I am easily amused) and since your opinion of Master Tim's reputation was not diminished by reading my post, ipso facto, corpus dilecti, it should be considered satire and not slander, as you so slanderously suggested, you slanderer!
I will, however, agree 113% (allowing for inflation) with one of your last statements, to wit: "People often think i (sic) am crazy...."
Why, yes; yes, I do.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Visibly distraught as he left the field of play and choking back tears at a post-game interview, Tebow refused to shower or change his uniform prior to boarding the team bus for the trip back to Gainesville. Teammates said that he sat by himself and did not speak to anyone for the duration of the trip.
Upon their arrival to the UF campus, he angrily pushed his way through the subdued crowd that had gathered to welcome the team home and went directly to Gatorland Liquors on E. Spurrier St., where he purchased a large quantity of alcohol and several packs of cigarettes. Surveillance cameras also showed Tebow securing an unknown amount of illegal narcotics from a low-level drug dealer near the liquor store.
Witnesses say they saw Tebow drinking heavily late into the night in several downtown bars. He was reportedly ejected from two establishments following altercations with other patrons and ordered to leave another when he discovered that he had wandered into a gay bar and began chastising those present, telling them that "God hates them" and they were all "going to hell," this in spite of having just been seen openly kissing and fondling several male patrons at the club.
Gaineville police were called to an off-campus housing complex after residents phoned in several complaints of a naked man wearing only football shoulder pads urinating in their fountain, exposing himself and groping female passers-by. Police were unable to locate the suspect, who had fled on foot into the complex.
Authorities eventually found Tebow passed out on the couch in a sorority house back on campus, covered in empty beer cans and clutching several trophies from the sorority's field hockey and lacrosse intramural teams. "It was kinda cute when he started telling stories about how he won this trophy or that trophy," said Muffy Morganstern, "but when he puked all over our couch and then passed out on it, it was kinda gross, you know? Now, we just want him gone."
When Gainesville police attempted to remove the besotted gridiron star from the sorority, Tebow became aggressive, telling the officers that he would "smite them in the name of righteousness." Following a brief struggle, he momentarily escaped from the grasp of the police and, in an incendiary display of broken field running, juked around an overstuffed chair and crashed directly into a large table, injuring his leg. When officers finally handcuffed Tebow, he was cursing loudly, complaining about "lazy, lard-ass linemen" and "a breakdown in pass protection."
Friday, December 4, 2009
Sarasota Police Review Board Meeting Erupts In Violence, Votes 7-5 To Call Hillsborough Sheriff's Dept. For Help Instead Of Sarasota PD
The HCSO, of course, found their brother officers at the Sarasota PD without culpability, although their report hinted ever so slightly at some minor lapses in judgement. Bartolotta, with his finger on the pulse of the community and fearing a wholesale uprising, not to mention the loss of his job, fired one patrol officer, reprimanded some others, docked the chief a couple weeks pay and pronounced the matter resolved.
City commissioners, however, decided to form the review board after it was apparent that the matter was not resolved. In a break from their usual ploy of hiring a consultant whenever there's a problem involving city government, they organized a volunteer panel, but hired three well-paid technical advisors to shepherd the volunteers.
The panel, made up of individuals with diverse ethnic and socio-economic backgrounds, has a 6-month time frame in which to solve the police department's ills, if, in fact, there are any to be found. The board faced its first crisis when one member suggested that they should accompany officers on 'ride alongs' as they patrol the streets of the city.
Said panel member, Mr. Biggie Hustla, reknowned gangbanger, "Yo, I already knows the cops is killaz. I ain't got to go for no ride along wit dem to see dat, dawg. I been on enough ride alongs wit dem already, if you knows what I mean, yo."
Representing the Hispanic community, Mr. Hector Gonzalez-Gonzalez de Fuego Martinez de Carlos Pena O'brien, offered that, like Mr. Hustla, he, too, felt that ride alongs with the police were a non-effective use of the board members' time. He didn't actually use those exact words, or any words, for that matter, but everyone in the room took his savage, penetrating glower to mean that.
Police activist and outspoken law enforcement supporter, Officer Billy Bob Lamarr, told the others that police ride alongs would enhance their understanding of the often-volatile situations in which officers find themselves. "You come along with me some night on patrol," he said, " and we'll bust some heads, we'll kick some ass, we'll teach some of these rat-bastard punks to respect the law, all right. It's easy pickings at the DUI checkpoint outside of the Friday night bingo game at St. Euthanasius. Those blue-haired old biddies won't know what hit them."
Board member, Vizo 'Shorty Redbone' Rusmenko, current juvenile offender and future head of the local chapter of the Russian mob in Sarasota, wanted to ensure that the city's criminal youth would not be given short shrift in the discussion. "I'll bust a cap in the ass of any you bitches that says I got it easy 'cause I'm a kid. You hear me? I mean it. Quit looking at me, pus face! Mr. Chairman, he's looking at me......."
Panel chairperson and aspiring music entrepreneur, DJ Jiggy Bee Bizzle Blang-Thang (Reginald Van Winterburn, of the Longboat Key Winterburns), said that the Sarasota Police Dept. would receive a fair and unbiased critique of their actions from the review board. "Let me assure the people of Sarasota that this assemblage of fair-minded citizens will endeavor to remain impartial, unprejudiced and without preclusion, in order to arrive at a just and reasonable course of action for city government to initiate. Fo' sho', y'all."
Thursday, December 3, 2009
First, the Ritz has acknowledged the presence of a global economic downturn. But, the really big news is that haute hotel has announced that because of that global economic downturn, they are offering an alternative to their $37.50/two martini 'executive' lunch special: burgers and shakes.
And not those $150 Kobe burgers either, we're talking $6-$9 burgers, dogs and shakes at the quaintly named Bayview Burger Bar, located on their waterfront patio. "In a nod to the workingmen of old," said the Ritz-Carlton Vice-President of Haughtiness, Llewelyn Hucclecote-Tewkesbury, "we have faithfully reproduced a typical American burger joint where our extensive research has shown that workingmen formerly patronized, although, naturally, we hope to God that no actual workingmen would frequent our establishment."
Special hypo-allergenic dust and grease developed by Disney Studios is used throughout the blue-collar bistro to recreate authenticity. Watch out! Every half-hour, an animatronic cockroach scurries across the floor to the delight of patrons.
Hucclecote-Tewksebury noted that the prices of the sandwiches did not include condiments, buns, plates, silverware or table service, which were an additional charge, as were glasses, straws and napkins for the milkshakes. A $15 surcharge would also be added to the valet parking service for Bayview patrons.
Just as strange as it is for the Ritz-Carlton to be soft-pedaling its glitz and glamor, another institution at the other end of the economic spectrum is attempting to burnish its image. Long an embarrassment to the conspicuous consumption that made Sarasota what it is today, Goodwill Industries has recently converted one of its stores into an art gallery. Of sorts.
The Goodwill Store along Clark Rd., now known as Le Galleria d'Arte de Benevolenza, will offer artwork donated by some of Sarasota's toniest collectors, who were forced to flee town when authorities began to close in on their various fraudulent enterprises, from our beloved- rogue securities scammers to mortgage malfeasants to real estate rapscallions.
The renovation of the site, including the ornate gardens and imported fountains and statuary on the surrounding exquisitely-manicured lawn, topped the $7 million mark, which was funded by a grant from the Help the Sarasota Homeless Coalition.
Manager of the new galleria, Castiglione Chiaverase, led the rapt audience of reporters through the newly-remodeled store. "There are those short-sighted individuals in our community that would take exception to spending $7 million to update a Goodwill Store. I can assure you that those individuals were not invited here today," said Chiaverase.
When one reporter asked how there could be three seemingly-identical Matisse Still Life With Geraniums, all tagged as originals and signed by the artist, each for sale at $29.95, Chiaverase sniffed, "This is Sarasota, sir. We do not question our benefactors. If they say our investments will earn 60% yearly or that these are all originals, we take them at their word."
Thursday, November 26, 2009
The dawn broke cool and crisp in Sarasota the day after Thanksgiving a few years ago. The coroner was waiting as I rolled up and walked me over to the corpse.
"Sorry I'm late, Doc," I said. "I had to drop off a couple of $400 checks to some people, then 9-1-1 gave me the wrong address and I've been driving around for an hour looking for you."
"Not surprised," Doc replied. "We were sent to three different locations before we gave up and called Tony Cormier at the Herald-Tribune to find out where to go."
"This is the worst I've ever seen, boys," he mumbled. "And I hope I never see another like it." Off to the side, a veteran patrol officer openly wept.
Old Doc was right. This was the worst I had ever seen, too.
Partially wrapped in a plastic bag laying next to some garbage cans were the mutilated remains of a female. It appeared as though some sort of animal had gotten to it during the night. At least, I hoped it was an animal.
She was young. It was hard to tell, though, since all that was left of her was a skeleton, some gristle and various bits and pieces of skin. Her head, arms and legs had been removed from her torso and most of her flesh stripped from her bones, as were her once-voluptous breasts. There was evidence of knife wounds all over the victim, even bite marks on what was left of her legs and thighs. We surmised she had been killed at a different location because her entrails had been ripped out and could not be located in the crime scene area.
No I.D., no distinctive markings, no clues to go on, except for a scrap of plastic wrapper bearing the cryptic word 'Butterball'..........
The coroner used DNA to make a positive identification. Her name was Gloria. Gloria Giblet Gobbler, to be exact. And so it fell to me to piece the rest of the story together and fill in the blanks of how and why she was killed. I had lots of questions: Satanic ritual? Charles Manson wannabes? Voodoo cult? Mob hit? Some wild sex party that got out of hand? My God, could it even be.... cannibals? Here in Sarasota? I knew too well the dark, seamy underbelly of this town; nothing would be off the table for this case.
"One more thing," Doc said with resignation. "Her furcula had been ripped out and snapped in two." I wish he never would have told me that. Now I'd have to Google "furcula."
I interviewed some of her acquaintances. Turns out she was last seen in a Publix grocery store off Clark Rd. just a few days earlier. Surveillance video showed her being picked up by a middle-aged couple and being put in the back seat of a late model SUV. She seemed to go willingly, although she may have been frozen in fear when they grabbed her.
Gloria had had a checkered past, but friends say she was getting her life turned around and wanted to attend cooking school, which, now seems tragically ironic. She had been raised on a farm out in the midwest. As is so often the case, she fell in with the wrong crowd. Started using drugs, mostly artificial hormones, steroids, growth enhancers. Probably trying to grow bigger boobs. Why do chicks think that a bigger chest is the answer to all their problems? Probably because we men tell them it is.......
She ended up in Sarasota, shaking her tailfeathers at a seedy topless bar downtown. Made a pin-up calendar for a local Lexus dealership, where she became known as 'The Wilde Turkey.' It was all gravy for Gloria for a while, but then began the inexorable slide into the hellish world of porn. Not your average run-of-the-mill-boy-meets-girl, girl-jumps-in-the-sack-with-boy, girl-convinces-her-two-girlfriends-to-join-them, girls-catch-boy-with-an-older-woman, girls-forgive-him and the-five-of-them-live-happily-ever-after porn though.
No, this was worse. Much worse than that.
Gloria started dabbling in hardcore poultry porn under the name 'Tawni Turkey.' I found a promo shot. Definitely NSFW.
From there, nobody knows what happened to Gloria. Poultry porn is an industry that gobbles you up and spits you out. You might go in a whole bird, but you come out in nuggets.
We never did locate the people in that SUV. We don't know if they were the killers or if they just might have had Gloria over for dinner that Thanksgiving.
The clues went cold, the case dried up. Her parents have since disappeared, the topless bar downtown where she worked was razed and is soon to be either a world-class parking garage, a state-of-the-art mini-Fenway Park for Boston Red Sox spring training or just another vacant lot on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Sarasota, FL, USA. Nobody in the poultry porn business remembers her. Too many new chicks have come along for the poultry pervs to drool over since Gloria plied her trade for some ignorant mother-clucking producer.
Gloria--or what was left of her--ended up in landfill somewhere, I suppose.
The case still haunts me. And every year around this time, I take out that faded old photo of her dressed in her prom gown and wonder what might have been. Would she have met a handsome Tom, gotten married, bought a nice coop, hatched a couple eggs, raised a family of poults and lived out the rest of her days in peace on that midwestern farm?
Or is that just my pie in the sky dream.
With whipped cream.
And not that Cool Whip crap, either.
Gloria G. Gobbler at the 2004 annual Turkey Trot Dance at Frank Perdue High School.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Paula Deen Diagnosed With Concussion From Flying Ham, Listed As Doubtful For Thursday's Big Showdown
"She was visibly rattled from the hit," said Weiner. "At no time, however, did she lose consciousness. And, contrary to published reports from less than reliable sources, did Paula ever have hallucinations that Gen. Sherman was on his way to raze Savannah and that they all needed to 'skedaddle.' Those scurrilous reports are patently absurd."
Celebrity gossip website, TMZ, declined comment after posting the Sherman story, but said they would stand by their sources.
Officials from the Food Network are reviewing videotape from the incident to determine if any fines or suspensions will result. "On the surface," said an unidentified foodie, "it seems that Deen successfully completed her pass to a receiver at the end of the line for a score. Following the completion, however, an interior lineman threw the ham back at Deen. At the very least, the lineman in question should have been penalized for excessive celebration, perhaps even a personal foul for unnecessary roughness, but no flag was thrown."
Food Network commentator, Bobby Flay, noted, "We've all seen Paula take hits like that before. I was in the kitchen with her back in 2001 when she was blindsided by that standing rib roast. That was a helluva hit. I still don't know how she got up after that one. She was always kind of the poster child for cooking hurt, though. You'd think the banged-up knees or the separated shoulder wouldn't let her stand at the stove the whole time, but she hung in there until the meal was over. She's a warrior; a true champion."
Deen's son, Jamie, said that the decision was made to err on the side of caution and hold her out of Thursday's dinner. "We talked to several doctors and decided that this was best for Paula and the team. We've got a lot of big dinners coming up with the holiday season and all and we're not going to take a chance with Paula's health."
"Paula, you know, being the competitor that she is, wanted to give it a shot, make it a game-time decision, but we felt, in the interest of the team, that she should sit this one out and live to cook another day, so to speak. We are going to start my brother, Bobby, in Paula's absence tomorrow. Next week, we'll have Paula to do some light cooking at our restaurant, The Lady and Sons, and we'll evaluate her performance there."
Quipped fellow celebrity chef, Rachael Ray, "I guess trichinosis isn't the only way an undercooked ham can hurt you....."
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
"These are times when we all are called upon to make sacrifices," said the president. "These are times when we are called upon to give our all. I'm not going to stand idly by while our brave men and women are fighting in Afghanistan, Iraq and thousands of bars and clubs all over the world and just allow this turkey to simply retire to a farm in upstate New York."
The turkey in question was visibly shaken at the surprise proclamation. Later, his attorney told reporters that he, too, was stunned by the president's sudden reversal. Said noted Sarasota defense attorney, Derek Byrd, "My client was led to believe that he would, naturally, be pardoned, as has been the tradition since 1963, when then Pres. John F. Kennedy pronounced those words of hope and inspiration, "Let's just keep him." Is not my client entitled to those same protections under this implied federal mandate?"
Legal scholars have been scrambling to find any type of precedent regarding such cases, realizing full well the lethal implications for the Christmas goose, as well. Given the looming deadline of the Wednesday evening execution, Byrd said he would be filing motions in federal court to stay the sentence until he could present his argument. His staff was combing the Congressional Record to determine if there were any friendly vegetarian politicians who would rally to the defense of Byrd's bird.
Byrd acknowledged that he had a tough road ahead of him. "I think the United States did a great disservice to the noble turkey when they disregarded the advice of Benjamin Franklin and made the bald eagle the national symbol instead of the turkey. I'm afraid it's been downhill for the species ever since. Now the word 'turkey' has become a pejorative term of derision and scorn. That and a country somewhere over in the Europe, I think. Or maybe Asia."
Court officials, citing the impending Thanksgiving holiday, did not hold out much hope for a delay in carrying out the President's wishes. Said one anonymous staffer, "Considering that most of us are going to be gorging ourselves on turkey on Thursday, it's tough to mount a lot of sympathy for the guy, you know?"
Grassroot supporters have formed an ad hoc coalition of death penalty opponents, vegetarians and, the strangest bedfellows of all, right-wing conservatives, who normally have nothing but contempt for the two former groups. Given their intense abhorrence of all things Obama, they have thrown their considerable clout behind saving the turkey.
Said Glenn Beck, "While we hate the bleeding hearts who whine about the death penalty and the liberals from the likes of PETA who whine about killing and eating meat, we hate Obama even more. To that end, we have formed the Waive the Turkey Foundation or WTF.
"You see, I've talked turkey with that turkey and found him to be a staunch patriot," Beck continued, fighting to hold back his trademark tears. "I've looked him in the eye, stood snood to snood with him, and know in my heart that he is a true American bird."
Replied Obama Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, "Tell Beck to keep talking. We like a little 'whine' with our turkey."
Documents just released indicate that the father of this year's turkey had been on death row in New Jersey and was executed just last year around this same time, as seen in this unconfirmed deathbed photo.
Monday, November 23, 2009
With the end of Jon & Kate Plus 8 in sight, his divorce almost final, his girlfriend giving him the boot and Levi "The Son-In-Law From Hell" Johnston dominating all the 'bad boy' headlines, Gosselin has had to take desperate measures.
"I think it was the '80s," he said wistfully. "Rock stars just went too far with their sex, drugs and rock-and-roll personas. They set the bar too high. Then came the rappers, hip-hop and gangsta rap. They turned it into sex, drugs, hip-hop and drive-by shootings."
"How does a short, dumpy wannabe from Reading, PA compete with that? And, all my kids are to the same mother, so that's another strike against me. Fo' shizzle. Do they still say that? Is that still cool to say? God, it's so hard trying to be relevant in this day and age."
"Even ordinary guys are getting a piece of that low-life pie nowadays. Like this guy:
"He shows up hammered for the birth of his kid and on the way into the delivery room he tells the nurse how cute she is and cops a feel. Sweet! So, she gets an attitude, the hospital calls the cops, the cops take him to jail and he misses the birth of his son and now he's the bad guy. Real fair, right? "
"I mean, he only went to the hospital 'cause his old lady is having a baby and she expects him to be there with her for the delivery. Which, in my opinion, is lame to begin with because the guy has already done everything he should be required to do. And going through the delivery with her is no picnic. I oughta know. You think Kate had an attitude on a regular day? Shoulda been there the day those six milk-munchers inside her were all looking for the same exit at the same time."
"That Exorcist chick didn't have anything on old Kate that day....."
"So, yeah, I'm looking for my next project. This Kate Plus Eight thing was OK while it lasted, but, let's face it, Octomom took the legs out from under Kate. We tried the marriage drama route, but it was just jumping the shark. Kate thinks she can do a show without me? Good luck with that, bitch--we've got a contract. And not one of those "'til death do we part' deals either; I'm talking about a real contract!"
"But, yes, I will confirm that my agent has had preliminary discussions with representatives for Casey Anthony, the Anthony family and the State of Florida Penal Board regarding a reality show involving Casey and myself. I mean, she's hot, right? And she's been all over the news for the last year or so. And when her trial comes up, our ratings should go through the roof."
And you should see the way she filled out that Ed Hardy print orange prison jumpsuit we sent her for the screen test."
"Check out the new prison 'tatt' that Casey got. Oh, yeah, dude, I'd ride that......all the way to the bank. Later, Kater."