Friday, April 30, 2010

Charlie Crist Vows To Stay True To Lobbyists, Even Though Running As Independent In Senate Race

In an effort to calm the fears of scores of lobbyists, Gov. Charlie Crist today publicly reassured them that their efforts--and, more importantly, their money--to help get him elected to the US Senate were not expended in vain. Said Crist, "Rest assured that I will continue to be beholden to all those special interest groups that elected me governor of the state of Florida. Except the Republican Party."

"Insurance, banks, health care, developers, sugar growers, phosphate mining, teachers--you name it; if they've got money to spend on Charlie Crist, then Charlie Crist will still have votes to spend on them! Just because I'm now running for the Senate as an "independent" doesn't mean that I'm not still dependent on your money or have independent ideas. Oh, God, no."

"I mean, for example: British Petroleum, I know you're in trouble right now with that oil leak in the Gulf, but if I get a nice-sized contribution from you guys, when I get to Washington, I will introduce legislation to have the Federal government pick up the tab for the clean up. Hey, you guys deserve a bailout as much as the next guy, am I right?"

"I've worked long and hard all these years to curry the favor of big business and other special interest groups and I'm not about to stop kowtowing to them now. In fact, frankly, I'm hoping that my new "independent" status will open up the doors for more big-money lobbyists to throw wads of cash my way."

"The Republican Party decided to take me to task for welcoming Pres. Obama to Florida when he came this past winter with millions in stimulus money. My critics assailed me for hugging him. Look, I've been in politics my whole life and when somebody shows up on your doorstep with millions of dollars, well, let's just say I've done a whole lot more than hugging to show my appreciation. Over the years, I've hugged squealing babies, ugly old ladies, prize-winning pigs, buck-toothed citrus queens and even an alligator or two in my career for a hell of a lot less money than the president brought."

"It was necessary for me to step away from the Republican Party when it became clear that my chances of winning the party's primary election was equal to the chances of my opponent, Marco Rubio, driving through Arizona and NOT getting pulled over to show his proof of citizenship."

"It has not been easy to make this decision, but the old-guard Republican Party left me no choice but to run as an "independent." Two weeks ago, I received a telephone call from House Republican leader, John Boehner, telling me that, in no uncertain tone, was there room in Congress for another Republican with a better tan than his. I knew right then that my only option was to run as a tan "independent." God bless you, Hawaiian Tropic and God bless the state of Florida!"

Reporter: "Governor, any truth to the rumor that Pres. Obama is here for another hug?"

Reporter: "Just kidding, Governor."

Charlie Crist: "OK, now you cut that out! That wasn't even funny......"

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Chairman of Sarasota Republican Party, Joe Gruters, Solves Immigration "Problem"

A Sarasota Herald-Tribune guest editorial by Joe "Hi, I'm A Rich, White Guy, Who Lives In A Rich, White City And Heads Up A Local Bunch Of Rich, White Republicans, Eminently Qualifying Me To Tell You What's Wrong With Those Dirty Mexicans" Gruters, esteemed chairman of the Sarasota Republican Party, has, once again, proven that rich, white guys can not only spell "hubris," they revel in living it.

True to his Sarasota political environment, Gruters wants to form a committee (preferably comprised of highly-paid Republican lobbyists, one would imagine) to determine why Mexicans are so desperate to leave the grinding poverty, soaring unemployment and lethal drug-related violence of their homeland to sneak themselves and their families into the US to try and earn a living. Gruters writes, "Mexico is a wonderful country, rich with its colorful history, cultural traditions and natural resources." You mean all of Mexico isn't like Acapulco and Cabo San Lucas?

Gruters decries the monopolies in Mexico, citing them as a reason for the Mexican diaspora. Careful there, you're treading on shaky ground with that scurrilous anti-capitalism talk, Mr. Republican. He, then, compounds his borderline treasonous thinking by deciding that the Mexican government "has been slow to break (the monopolies) up."

Mexican monopolies =BAD!
American monopolies=GOOD!
Mexican government interference=GOOD!
American government interference=BAD!

Halfway through the article, Gruters redeems himself by getting to the crux of the matter: it's Obama's fault. Like, who didn't know that was coming?? "Our president, despite his sworn obligation as commander-in-chief to defend us, has indicated his intent t launch the attorney general into an investigation of the state of Arizona!" Not sure why Gruters is complaining, though; wait 'til Obama directs the US Attorney General to investigate the shady goings-on by Republicans in Tallahassee and Sarasota--then he'll really have something to worry about.

Gruters, again, shoots himself in the foot--right through his $960 black leather and snakeskin with dark grey crocodile trim Gucci loafers--when he invokes the name of sainted-Republican Ronald Reagan, equating him with a failed policy: "Amnesty is the same solution tried under Ronald Reagan, and it did not work then either." Oooh, there goes a couple thousand in donations to the local party......

"Because the government will not perform its duty, groups of individual citizens (read: trigger-happy Tea Partiers, wannabe Wyatt Earps and other assorted NRA gunslinging "patriots") have joined together to patrol the border."

In conclusion, Gruters declares that: "It is time to put a lid on Mexico and apply pressure on the Mexican government to correct the problems that lead its citizens to flee in desperation." Therefore, immediately, America will stop exporting guns across the border to Mexico, America will stop importing cocaine from Mexico, America will mow its own lawns, America will pick its own tomatoes, lettuce, oranges, etc., America will dig its own ditches, America will do its own roofing, concrete work, etc., America will stock its own shelves, America will wash and wax its own cars, America will do every other hot, dirty, back-breaking, thankless job that we secretly are glad to pay peanuts to illegals to do, but will continue to publicly rail against their presence in our most-holy land. 'Cause we're like that......

"I'm Joe Gruters, chairman of the Republican Party of Sarasota. As a rich, white guy, I, personally, have nothing against Mexicans. Some of my best friends are.........well, let's not go that far.

"But, I did dress up like one for Halloween last year. Ay, chimichanga!"

Friday, April 23, 2010

State of Arizona On Verge Of Bankruptcy After Passage Of Anti-Immigration Bill

Following the news that Arizona Gov. Jan "Why, Yes, I Am Running For Re-Election; Why Do You Ask?" Brewer has signed into law that will require all persons who don't look like her (e.g., blond, blue-eyed, obviously Caucasian, wealthy, Republican, etc.) to furnish proof of citizenship when challenged by authorities. Brewer and her fellow Korps der politischen Leiter pushed through legislation that brings resurrects that treasured American saying, "Where are your identification papers.........." Ahhhh, the memories.

Arizona lawmakers are also considering bills to round up anyone caught speaking a language other than American, wearing headgear other than a Stetson or an Arizona Diamondback baseball cap, possession of two or more tacos and having a last name that ends in a vowel or the letter "z." Mixed marriages between races are expressly forbidden and marriages between anyone other than mainstream Protestant religions are now considered illegal, as well.

As primary bill sponsor state Rep. Russell Pearce proclaimed, "Illegal is illegal. We'll have less crime. We'll have lower taxes. We'll have safer neighborhoods. We'll have shorter lines in the emergency rooms. We'll have smaller classrooms."

What bill supporters did not count on, however, were the financial ramifications of the new legislation. McDonalds, Burger King and several other fast food outlets closed 75% of their locations due to a lack of workers and raised the price of a single hamburger to $6.95, citing increased labor and food costs.

Wal-Mart will cease operations in the state, as will Costco, Kmart and other discount retailers. Supermarket chains are consolidating locations and preparing for the onslaught of irate consumers once the price of local produce skyrockets from growers being unable to find workers to harvest their crops.

Service stations, convenience stores, garages--any place where manual labor is required--are scrambling to find personnel to fill the voids left by their now-vanished work force. Old white guys are at a loss as to how to actually physically perform the jobs that they so ably "supervised" for all these years.

The Roman Catholic Church has sold all its churches to the Mormons and various evangelical denominations and have vacated the state, due to the precipitous drop in their Latino parishoners, a mainstay of their congregations. Said the Most Reverend Thomas J. Olmsted, Bishop of The Diocese of Phoenix, "We hope someday to send missionaries back into the state, just like we did 300 years ago when we were illegal aliens here in what was then Mexico."

The fragile housing industry, once a mainstay of the Arizona economy, will suffer an irreversible relapse with the absence of laborers and tradesmen. Lawn maintenance contractors are expected to charge homeowners upwards of $250 per month to mow lawns, now that all their low-cost staff has left the state.

Taxes, as Rep. Pearce predicted, will, in fact, be lower. The revenue from the average state sales tax of 6.8% has plummeted, as the estimated 800,000 illegal aliens are fleeing Arizona and taking with them their disposable income.

Internment camps have sprung up outside the urban centers of Phoenix, Mesa and others for the influx of rounded-up illegals, those who look illegal and those who had the misfortune to forget their identification papers when they were randomly stopped, since Gov. Brewer vowed that there would be no racial profiling when looking for undocumented Hispanics.

"Und ve haf our eyes on those Jews, too. I tink dey vill be the next to go....." Reichsleiter Frau Brewer

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Steelers Shock Sports World By Selecting Pre-Schooler in Draft

For once, Chris Berman was SPEECHLESS.......

When Roger Goodell walked to the podium on Thursday night and solemnly announced that the Pittsburgh Steelers had chosen 4-year old Connor Patrick Sarver from Miss Kimmie's L'il Angels Daycare in Irwin, PA, in the NFL draft, it was as if someone had tripped over the audio cable and killed the sound at Radio City Music Hall. The panel of commentators looked at each other for a full minute before ESPN cut to a commercial.

When they returned live, Berman was notably absent from his anchor position at the end of the desk. Jon Gruden tried gamely to carry a conversation about the incredible development, but soon lost his train of thought and began talking about his old coaching days. Some semblance of normalcy finally returned to the evening when the Atlanta Falcons made their selection.

So, who is this newest Steeler?

According to Art Rooney II, he's just your average 4-year old kid who likes puppies, Buzz Lightyear, the Wiggles, toy trucks and Gummi Bears. For you die-hard fans out there, he's 3' 7 tall, 41 lbs., throws right and has a vertical leap of about 10 inches.

Rooney continued, "Given what we've been dealing with trying to keep the likes of Roethlisberger, Holmes, Reed and all the rest of these overpaid delinquents in line, we felt we had to go in a completely different direction."

"It is true, the kid is 4-years old. And, it is true, he can't really play football and doesn't know exactly what a quarterback does. But it's also true that he's never ridden his motorcycle into a Buick. And he has never been accused of raping a woman in Lake Tahoe. And he sure as hell has never--NEVER--took a drunk, slutty 20-year old coed into the bathroom of some scummy bar and assaulted her!!"

When asked about the draftee's role with the team, Rooney said flatly, "Look, we spent a ton of money on damage control for these idiots. We took a beating on the Santonio Holmes deal and Sheetz really stuck it to us for a new paper towel dispenser to replace the one Jeff Reed yanked off the wall last year. Who knew those things cost $850,000? Plus labor to screw it on the wall!"

"Honestly, he's all we could afford right now. But, I'll tell you, I expect great things from this kid. I think the team will really get behind him and the O-line........well, how'd you like to be the guard or tackle that lets this kid get hammered into the ground by a blitzing linebacker? Yeah, he'll be sleeping on the couch for a year or two, if he's even ever allowed back in the house."

"And, seriously, what blitzing linebacker is going to want to bury a 4-year old kid? Think that'll get him on the cover of Madden Football? I don't think it will really be an issue, really, until we play Oakland. Those sick bastards will probably practice taking cheap shots on their own kids before they play us........."

While tentatively listed as fourth on the depth chart, Coach Mike Tomlin says that he envisions using Sarver primarily in short yardage situations, 'cause he's, you know, 'short'..........

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Sarasota County Begins Use of Death Ray For Traffic Violations

The Sarasota County Sheriff's Department has quietly begun enforcing its new zero-tolerance campaign on traffic violators within the county. Passed in a secret backroom deal--as is the custom for the Sarasota County Commission--the commissioners used their standard "element of deniability" voting procedure, stating only that all the commissioners present voted by secret ballot for the crackdown, except for one, thereby giving each of the commissioners the ability to proclaim that he or she was the lone holdout, should the legislation become too onerous after the public sees it in action.

While most county residents would like better traffic enforcement, the Commission, looking for support from the radical right-wing fringe of the constituency in their looming fight with the neo-socialist Citizens for Responsible Government over some recent government decisions, most notably the Baltimore Oriole spring training debacle that the group claims was made without public input and in violation of Florida's "Sunshine Law."

In January, the Commission authorized the Sheriff's Dept. to purchase four government-surplus Flame-Ray 2000s, which had recently been made available to local state and municipal agencies because the Feds are now using the new and improved Flame-Ray 2200(b), a greener, more environmentally-friendly version of the 2000, as mandated by new federal standards.

Spokesstormtrooper for the Sheriff's Dept., Master Gunnery Sgt. Knulla Digg, extolled the virtues of the new technology as she took reporters on a typical traffic patrol.

"The Flame-Ray 2000 is very easy to operate, almost to the point of being idiot-friendly, which we viewed as a big plus considering the gene pool of some of our deputies, as well as their mental state at any given time. Two officers, one operating Unit A and one operating Unit B, aim at the target and simultaneously activate the charger beam, causing the targeted object to burst into flame."

"The Flame-Ray 2000 works on all types of vehicles and in all types of situations. Soccer mom mini-van sliding through a stop sign: FLAME ON! "

"Big rig still in the intersection after the light turns red: FLAME ON!"

"Abandoned vehicle by the side of the road: FLAME ON!"

"Foreign tourist tying up traffic looking for a parking space at St. Armand's Circle: ummm, that may have been a mistake. We try not to torch tourists or snowbirds, due to their positive financial impact for the county......"

"Illegally-parked vehicle: FLAME ON!"

"Vehicle illegally parked in privately-owned lot: FLAME ON!"

"Vehicle illegally parked in commercial driveway: "FLAME ON!"

"Vehicle illegally parked on wrong side of street during street-sweeping day: "FLAME ON!"

"Contrary to what some citizens are saying, this new code enforcement policy was not instituted as a revenue stream for the county, unlike the proposed red light cameras. Although, in addition the the fines for the original traffic violation, we are charging the offenders--or their surviving family members, in some cases--a surcharge for the fire department call, the EMT and/or county coroner call, the clean-up of debris by public works, as well as violations of strict open fire prohibitions and various smoke pollution regulations that we just enacted in conjunction with the new traffic policy."

When asked if she thought this new program might be too harsh for traffic violations, M/Sgt. Digg replied, "You think this is harsh? We've just started a new policy in Venice of shooting people for ringing doorbells......"

Friday, April 16, 2010

Obama Closes Down Space Program, Tells NASA "Tie Balloons To Your Asses...."

Pres. Obama brought his austerity message directly to the National Aeronautic and Space Administration at Cape Kennedy on Thursday, telling the stunned workers they were all fired.

"We have been to the moon," the president told the assembled space workers, "and there ain't nothing there. No matter how many times we go there, there still ain't going to be nothing there except all the expensive crap we take there and leave."

"Any of you who still want to explore the final frontier, tie balloons to your sorry asses and go."

"As of today, the space program is terminated and all of you are fired. I am leaving here and going directly to Houston and give them the same news: 'Houston, you've got a problem. You're fired!'"

With that, the president left the podium and a large contingent of the Florida Highway Patrol collected ID badges, government-issued cell phones and executive washroom keys and accompanied them while they hastily cleaned out their personal belongings from their desks, then ushered the shocked workers off the premises, clanging shut the large metal gates at the end of the causeway behind them.

Most of the 2500 employees gathered in the parking lot of the nearby Titusville Burger King to assess, ironically, the gravity of the situation. Former NASA director, Ralph Kramden, said, "I think I speak for everyone here when I say, 'To the moon, Obama.....'" The manager of the fast food restaurant cut short the director's remarks when he ordered everyone to get off the property unless they were going to buy something.

"And while your at it, get rid of all the furniture in this place." President Obama

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Elementary School Play Stirs Controversy At Sarasota Film Festival

Sarasota County school administrators are defending their entry into this year's Sarasota Film Festival while others are highly critical of the message it's sending to impressionable children.

In October, the 4th grade students of Mrs. Irina Pryzbyla-Bielewicz at the Tony Montana Memorial Elementary School staged a play celebrating the school's namesake. School Board members were so impressed by the students' performance, that they paid almost $2.4 million to have a Hollywood film crew come to Florida to film it. So enthralled were they with the finished product, the board they decided to submit it to this year's film festival. Some reviewers from the film society were considerably less fascinated by the piece, but, undaunted, the School Board mounted an all-out lobbying effort by a Madison Avenue public relations firm, costing the taxpayers of Sarasota County another $1.1 million for their efforts, but were ultimately victorious in getting their featurette on the playbill for this month's festival.

The School Board justified the expenditure of the nearly $3.5 million to produce and market the film, saying: "We believe in celebrating the arts here in Sarasota County and if it costs the county taxpayers a measly couple of million dollars to give some fourth grade kids an unrealistic opinion of themselves and the world around them, then so be it. It's for the children."

Reacting to criticism that the subject matter was inappropriate for elementary students, principal Vinnie Ganucciano replied, "Whaddya think, these kids ain't seen worser violence on the playground out there? Youse think they ain't heard worser language at home when their parents are bitchin' each other out for snortin' the last of the coke or runnin' around with their kid sister or something?"

The fourth graders, however, seemed to take all the hubbub over their play in stride. One of the co-writers of the play, 9-year old Madison Andrews, giggled sheepishly, "When our teacher asked us to write something about the man they named our school after, my friend Erin-Ashley and I thought it would be funner to write a play, so we did. We had to be careful, though, not to allow the poignancy and power of the subject matter devolve into bathos with the lack of thespian experience in our cast, but due to the steady directorial hand of Ms. Pryzbyla-Bielewicz, I feel we more than adequately accomplished an accurate recreation of the tragic events leading up to the foreshadowed demise of Mr. Montana."

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

This Is Why Every Home In America Needs To Have Guns

Police: Ohio woman killed over Easter attire
Leg-baring shorts cause confrontation leading to 19-year-old's death

Associated Press
updated 3:55 p.m. ET, Tues., April 6, 2010

COLUMBUS, Ohio - Police in Ohio say a woman shot her cousin to death during an argument that started because one woman didn't think the other was dressed properly for Easter dinner.

Columbus police Officer Jean Holmes said in court Tuesday that the leg-baring shorts worn by 19-year-old Danielle Pickens sparked a verbal and physical confrontation with 42-year-old Evelyn Burgess on Sunday at Burgess' home.

Police say Pickens walked outside to leave and Burgess shot her in the head with a handgun. Pickens died at a hospital early Monday.

Burgess is charged with one count of murder. During her initial court appearance Tuesday, Franklin County Municipal Court Judge William Pollitt set bond at $500,000.

No word yet on whether or not the deceased will be buried in her leg-baring shorts, just to aggravate the jailed Mrs. Burgess.

"Ain't nobody comes to Easter dinner at my house dressed in them short-shorts, lookin' like a ho. Ima teach you to show some respect fo' the Lord......"

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Island of Guam Sinks--Take That, Rep. Hank Johnson Haters

Initial reports coming from the scene indicate that, in the hours just before dawn, the island of Guam capsized and sank in the waters of the South Pacific. Guam, an American territory, is the largest island in the Micronesia chain of islands and has a land mass of about 209 square miles, which supports a population of approximately 179, 000 people, most of which are feared lost due to the sinking. Survivors were found clinging to floating debris, while some had already made it onto boats that were on site collecting the living, as well as the dead.

Ironically, this horrific tragedy comes merely days after Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA) had voiced the possibility of this calamity taking place while questioning Adm. Robert Willard, head of the U.S. Pacific fleet, over the Navy's proposal to station 8,000 additional troops on the island. While some small-thinkers had expressed concerns over island-wide water shortages and overloaded sewage systems and other public utilities, only Rep. Johnson had the wisdom and foresight to ask the most pertinent question of all: "Will the additional weight of people and proposed construction be too much for the little island to bear and sink it?"

While Adm. Willard dismissed the legislator's concerns with a condescending, "we don't anticipate that happening.....", Rep. Johnson was widely ridiculed by the media and science alike for his prescient line of questioning. Said a spokeslackey for the Congressman, "Rep. Johnson regrets the great loss of life and property on Guam and chooses not to stoop to saying, "Nyah, nyah; I told you so," even though he is certainly entitled to do so. Though some would question his scientific credentials to predict such an event, Rep. Johnson is, after all, a duly elected representative from the great state of Georgia. More importantly, he is a college-educated attorney and has practiced law for over 25 years and served as an Associate Magistrate Judge for ten years, so he has to be a smart guy, right? I mean, a LAWYER, after all."

Eyewitness Filbert Mauxinchalk said he was on the southern tip of the island fishing just before sunrise when he witnessed a pelican land next to him. "As soon as the bird settled on the rock, I felt the ground beneath me shudder, then the next thing I know I was in the water with the whole island flipping over onto me. I don't know why I was spared and so many others lost their lives. Maybe I'm being rewarded for keeping my mouth shut all these years after what happened to me when I was an altar boy."