Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Two US Senators Revealed to be Offspring of Evil Genius

Investigators for the British Secret Service have revealed that two prominent US politicians are the illegitimate sons of evil madman, Dr. Julius No.

The late Dr. No, who was killed in 1962 near Jamaica by British secret agent, James Bond, just seconds before No's plot to rule the world could be fulfilled. The crazed megalomaniac apparently had two sons who have long awaited the chance to complete their father's dream of bringing the world to its knees.

These two slithery geniuses grew up in America and insinuated their way into American politics, eventually rising to positions within the Congress where they can now put their father's nefarious plot into motion, as the world stands by, helpless to stop them.

British sources have identified the two bastard children of Dr. No as:

Senator No

and Senator Hell No

Monday, July 25, 2011

Arizona Comes To Norway

An open letter to Mr. Anders B. Breivik

Dear Brother-In-Arms,

You done good!

You have took up the fight that we been fightin' here in the great state of Arizona ever since we took it from the Injuns and the Mexes. God gave us this here place and we intend to keep it fer ourselves, no matter who we got to kill. That's why, when God gave us Arizona, he gave us guns, too.

Ever since then, it has been open season here in Arizona on Injuns, Mexes, colored folk, Democratic Congresswomen and others who don't look like us or talk like us or think like they way we think they should think. And those Muslims that you're so rightly worried about--why don't they just go back to............Muslimania. Or wherever the hell it is they come from.

I heard some news guy say th' other day that they first thought it was them Muslim terrorists that shot down them kids over there. I say, it was Muslim terrorists. I say, if you weren't so dang worried about Muslims wreckin' your country, you wouldn't have had to shoot all them folks to get people's attention, am I right?

You don't want 'em in Norway and we for damn sure don't want 'em here.

I want you to know that if them Norwayers ever let you outta the hoosegow over there, you got a home here in Arizona. And bring your shootin' irons, 'cause, buddy, you're sure gonna need 'em here. We got us a proud tradition of shootin' first and askin' questions later. And we're a-gettin' to the point where we ain't even askin' questions no more 'cause we just don't plum care no more what you got to say 'fore we drill ya.

Me and the boys'll get you a house to live in (lots of foreclosures around these parts since we scared off so many Mexes), get you a job working for the Arizona Border Patrol (since it seems like them Federal boys don't give a hoot in hell about securin' our borders, so we do it our own selves), maybe hook you up with some young filly of your likin', get you an NRA membership and a "Good Neighbor" discount card at Bob's Bullet Barn of Bisbee, for all your ammunition needs, 'specially them hard-to-find items like them holler-point, Kevlar-piercin' babies, before Hussein Obama takes them away.

But, that there's another story.....

Well, I sure do hope everything works out for you over there in Norwayland, pardner. As we say in these here parts, "wear your hat low and your pistols lower."

Your friend in the struggle from Arizona,

The Scalphuntin' Demon of Gila Bend

Extremism, in the defense of liberty, is no vice"
Barry, By God, Goldwater, Arizona's Favorite Son

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Casey Anthony's Mysterious Nanny Revealed!

And she's just as evil as poor Casey said she was.............

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Derek Jeter Seeks Variance For "Emergency" Addition To Tampa Home

Yankee shortstop, Derek Jeter, reached the milestone of 3,000 base hits on Saturday before an adoring throng of New York faithful. He drove a ball over the left field wall for a memorable exclamation point on his achievement.

Following his triumphant return to the Yankee dugout, he was seen talking on the telephone. After the game, a reporter asked Jeter if he had a call from the president or some other famous celebrity congratulating him on this momentous occasion.

"No," he calmly replied, "I had to call my lawyer. I need him to start proceedings to get me a zoning variance right away on my place in Tampa so I can put a couple of thousand more square-foot addition on it."

When the reporter observed that Jeter, a bachelor, had just recently finished construction on the $7.7 million, 30,000 square foot house on the ultra-exclusive community of Davis Islands, the slugger responded, "Yeah, but that was before all this. I'm gonna need that extra room just to hold my ego................"

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Casey Anthony Acquitted--Pictures From The Defense Celebration

The jury, in an obvious rush to get home and make up for the wasted 4th of July weekend spent listening to closing arguments, declared accused killer, Casey Anthony, not guilty of all charges except fibbing on Tuesday.

In a hushed courtroom, the foreman of the jury announced the verdict.  When Judge Belvin Perry polled the jury by asking, "So say you all?", he was answered with a chorus of: "Yeah, whatever.  Can we go now?"

When it was apparent that the defendant was, in fact, exonerated of the charges of capital murder, manslaughter and jaywalking in the act of disposing of a corpse, confetti rained down upon the elated--and somewhat mystified--defense team.  Ms. Anthony and the defense team rushed to the jury box and gave high-fives to the jurors and nearby spectators.  A reporter in the courtroom shouted to Ms. Anthony, "You've just been declared 'not guilty' by a jury of your peers.  What are you going to do now?"

"I'm going to DisneyWorld!" she gushed.

As the defendant was led back to the lock up to await sentencing on Thursday, the jubilant defense team repaired to posh restaurant Terrace 390 across the street and began their victory celebration.  The giddy lawyers donned specially-made baseball caps and jerseys emblazoned with the logo:  "World Courtroom Champions, Orlando, 2011.  A monsoon of expensive Champagne soaked the normally-staid barristers as they reveled in their come-from-behind victory.

"I'll tell you what," shouted lead defense lawyer, Jose Baez, "It just goes to show you that you can never give up.  There's no quit in this team.  I told these guys when we first started putting this case together that we were gonna pull this off.  All the trash talking throughout the trial by the prosecution--not to take anything away from them, they did a helluva job, but I think this verdict shows who the better counsel was in the courtroom today."

His summation was cut short when another man came up from behind Baez and sprayed the remnants of a bottle of Dom Perignon on his head.  Baez turned and put the interloper in a good-natured head lock.  "And--ha--this guy right here, this guy was a big part of this team", referring to co-counsel, Cheney Mason.  "We couldn't have done without him and I'm just so proud to have had Cheney here this year."

Mason hugged Baez and laughed, "I hope you feel the same way in a couple months, Jose"--an obvious reference to Mason's upcoming free-agency negotiations.

 As a crowd gathered outside the restaurant to watch the celebration on a hastily-erected big screen TV, Orlando police had to be called in to keep the unruly celebrants from getting out of hand.  Said one officer in full riot gear, "Orlando gets a lot of Canadian visitors this time of year.  We saw what happened in Vancouver when the Canucks lost; we shudder to think what kind of hell they would raise if they ever won anything....."

TV news anchor and professional keeper of justice, Nancy Grace, appeared outside the raucous nightclub and, brimming with righteous indignation, barged past the contingent of police and security guards and into the restaurant, claiming she was, in fact, Geraldo Rivera.  Once inside, she angrily confronted the lead attorneys and accused them of a grave miscarriage of justice, railing against their misleading the jury, their misrepresentation of the facts, the lies, the deceit of anyone who disagrees with her.

The lawyers looked at her in stunned silence as she concluded her impassioned castigation of the judicial system as she sees it.  Then they hosed her down in a flood of Champagne.

As the Champagne struck her steaming head, it exploded in a shower of tiny gray cells.

Meanwhile, across town in a run-down Denny's, the scene at the post-trial prosecution get-together was vastly different.......

Monday, July 4, 2011

City of Sarasota Begins Removal of Controversial Parking Meters

Bowing to pressure from Main Street merchants (and their campaign contributions) and from whatever direction  the wind is blowing on this particular day, the Sarasota City Commission has begun the late-night surreptitious removal of the ill-fated parking meters that were installed a scant six weeks ago.

Noting that the parking meters have, indeed, accomplished their intended mission of controlling parking in the downtown core, Sarasota PD Parking Liaison, Capt. Jeffrey "The Enforcer" Karr said, "The meters obviously served their purpose.  There's not a car parked anywhere here on Main Street," as he surveyed the empty boulevard.  Empty, except for the fleet of shiny new Parking Enforcement carts, loaded down with menacing-looking "boots" festooned with crudely-drawn skull and crossbones that were to be locked onto those vehicles with expired meters.  Also on the street were about a dozen or so newly-minted "Meter Matrons" standing by the carts, a stone-faced group of 70-year old chain-smoking women who were all apparently fired from their former jobs as maximum-security prison guards for mistreatment of their hardened-criminal charges.

"This is a great day for the citizens of Sarasota," crowed mayor Suzanne Atwell, a former proponent of the meters, when asked about their removal.  "I think it shows how just how responsive this Commission is.  Two months ago, we listened to the voice of the people and installed the meters and, now, we've listened again to the voice of the people and we're yanking them out.  And, yes, I realize that we spent almost $500,000 to install the meters, half that much again to purchase our new Traffic Enforcement vehicles and about $175, 000 to recruit, train and pay for anger-management classes for our new "Meter Matrons".

"But we got a really great deal on removing the meters......"

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I'm Evan Longoria and I'm The N.R.A.

I'm Evan Longoria.  I'm the third-baseman for the Tampa Bay Rays.  I'm paid millions of dollars to play a game and, by extension, be a role model for my young fans.  Recently, someone burglarized the house I was renting with two other teammates and stole my AK-47 assault rifle that I keep for....for.....well, it's none of your goddam business why I keep it, actually.  It's my God-given Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms in defense of......well, that's none of your business either.

The rifle was purchased legally, registered legally and possessed legally and responsibly by me.

Until it was stolen.

Now, I don't know how it's going to be used.  Quite possibly, it will be owned by another responsible gun owner.  Or maybe it'll just be sold for some crack cocaine.  Or maybe some 16-year old kid will get his hands on it and impress his friends by accidentally shooting a few of them.  Then again, maybe somebody will use it to stick up the 7-11 where you and your family just happen to be buying chips and Slurpees and you'll all get hosed down in a hail of bullets.

Either way, not my problem.  I can't be held responsible for what happens with it now.  It was stolen, remember?  Plus, I can afford to buy another one.  Or ten.  Don't care.

Hell, show up at Tropicana Field with it someday and I just might autograph it for you.

Because now that it's public knowledge that I owned an assault rifle, maybe opposing pitchers will think twice next time before throwing that high hard one at me..........

I'm Evan Longoria.  And I'm the N.R.A.