Monday, July 25, 2011

Arizona Comes To Norway

An open letter to Mr. Anders B. Breivik

Dear Brother-In-Arms,

You done good!

You have took up the fight that we been fightin' here in the great state of Arizona ever since we took it from the Injuns and the Mexes. God gave us this here place and we intend to keep it fer ourselves, no matter who we got to kill. That's why, when God gave us Arizona, he gave us guns, too.

Ever since then, it has been open season here in Arizona on Injuns, Mexes, colored folk, Democratic Congresswomen and others who don't look like us or talk like us or think like they way we think they should think. And those Muslims that you're so rightly worried about--why don't they just go back to............Muslimania. Or wherever the hell it is they come from.

I heard some news guy say th' other day that they first thought it was them Muslim terrorists that shot down them kids over there. I say, it was Muslim terrorists. I say, if you weren't so dang worried about Muslims wreckin' your country, you wouldn't have had to shoot all them folks to get people's attention, am I right?

You don't want 'em in Norway and we for damn sure don't want 'em here.

I want you to know that if them Norwayers ever let you outta the hoosegow over there, you got a home here in Arizona. And bring your shootin' irons, 'cause, buddy, you're sure gonna need 'em here. We got us a proud tradition of shootin' first and askin' questions later. And we're a-gettin' to the point where we ain't even askin' questions no more 'cause we just don't plum care no more what you got to say 'fore we drill ya.

Me and the boys'll get you a house to live in (lots of foreclosures around these parts since we scared off so many Mexes), get you a job working for the Arizona Border Patrol (since it seems like them Federal boys don't give a hoot in hell about securin' our borders, so we do it our own selves), maybe hook you up with some young filly of your likin', get you an NRA membership and a "Good Neighbor" discount card at Bob's Bullet Barn of Bisbee, for all your ammunition needs, 'specially them hard-to-find items like them holler-point, Kevlar-piercin' babies, before Hussein Obama takes them away.

But, that there's another story.....

Well, I sure do hope everything works out for you over there in Norwayland, pardner. As we say in these here parts, "wear your hat low and your pistols lower."

Your friend in the struggle from Arizona,

The Scalphuntin' Demon of Gila Bend

Extremism, in the defense of liberty, is no vice"
Barry, By God, Goldwater, Arizona's Favorite Son

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