Sunday, August 30, 2009

Venerable Downtown Sarasota Book Seller Closing, To Be Replaced With Adult Books and Movies

The much beloved and loquaciously-lamented loss of Sarasota News and Books to the harsh realities of capitalism by the local literati is about to take a decidedly devilish turn. Apparently, the prized location on Sarasota's prestigious Main St. is soon going to be home to a new bookstore: Overcoat Ed's Adult Book Emporium.

Longboat Key resident, Edward "Overcoat Ed" Edwards, shown here at a recent black-tie gala at his Gulfside estate, owns a chain of adult book stores in 7 states.
"When I moved into my place out there on Longboat Island," he said, "I figured this town could use an Overcoat Ed's. It is, after all, where Pee-Wee got busted playin' wit' his pee-pee, ain't it? But, then I'm thinkin' that maybe Sarasota's too classy and got too much culture and crap, you know. So's I'm drivin' around and noticed that the book stores like Barnes & Noble and Borders ain't hardly got no cars at them and Sarasota News and Books had nuttin' but snooty broads wearin' their berets, sittin' around sippin' java with their pinkies up in the air. You ain't makin' no money like that!"

"The place wit' the most cars? Wal-Mart, sure; but those XTC Adult Stores were jammed every time I drove by one. I'm figurin', hey, that's right up my friggin' alley, you know?"

"Once they close up shop on Monday and get all those crummy books outta there, I'm gonna have my guys go in there and gut the place so I can put in live-show booths and private movie booths and stuff. My customers don't sit around nursin' a cuppa coffee while they read a 50-cent newspaper for an hour, they're in there plunkin' down dollar after dollar to watch some chick get nekkid or to watch some movie. Any youse college girls out there lookin' for some part-time work, I'm hirin'......"

Said one former bookstore regular, "To employ a literary expression here, we're caught in a real "Catch 22" situation . On one hand, we are appalled that our former bastion of free speech is closing and being replaced by some smarmy, sleazy dirty book store, but, yet, as enlightened liberals, we must not put ourselves in a positon to oppose Mr. Edwards' pursuit of his First Amendment rights to free speech. What to do?"

Another Sarasota News and Books aficionado expressed concern that crime and community degradation would follow. Replied Mr. Edwards, "Hell, yeah, it will. Happens every time I open one of these joints. What's yer friggin' point, ya pin-head?"

Edwards says his new adult book store will make some concessions to the particular demographics of the community, stocking porn with such titles as "Babes in Walker-land," " Support-Hose Vixens," "GGMilfs," "Men With Big Canes," and the wildly popular series, "Grandmas Gone Wild."

"Hey, if this works out, then I'm buyin' the joint next door and puttin' in a shooting range." Edward "Overcoat Ed" Edwards

Scooter Gangs Take Over Englewood To Protest Arrest Of One of Their Own, Gov. Crist Mulls National Guard Intervention

The arrest of notorious scooter gang kingpin, Herb "The Leg Buster" Jean, 80, has sparked an all-out war in the normally sleepy village of Englewood, FL. Jean's arrest for riding his electric scooter on the municipal sidewalks was long overdue, according to some local residents, who did not want to be identified for fear of reprisal by Jean's henchmen.

On Weds., the gang task force of the Englewood Police Dept executed the traffic stop arrest of Jean. Officers from the tactical unit, as well as uniformed patrol officers, participated in the arrest. A police dept. spokescop said, "We knew full well who we were dealing with here. Jean is well-known in law enforcement circles and we weren't about to take any chances with the safety of our personnel. While our tac unit surveiled Mr. Jean, Englewood Police evacuated the neighborhood and laid down a spiked stop strip across the sidewalk on McCall. The Task Force then initiated pursuit of Mr. Jean on his scooter, forcing him onto the spike strip and into the waiting roadblock. It was textbook."

Citing Jean for being in violation of Florida Motor Vehicle Code Statute 316.1995, he was arraigned before a magistrate before being whisked away to jail at an undisclosed location. When news of his arrest was announced, members of his gang assembled at their local hangout, the Englewood Senior Citizens Center, to plot revenge on the town they thought they had under their greasy, lawless thumbs.

Johnny Strabler, Jean's right-hand man and second-in-command of the infamous scooter gang, The Englewood Ass-Kickers Scooter Club, told the amassed gang members, "We ain't about to let Herb rot in some jail somewhere. This town's gonna pay for what they done to Leg Buster!"

Kathie Bleeker, local 76-year old tart who hangs out at Bleeker's Cafe, insists that Herb Jean is not a criminal, he's just misunderstood. "A few years back," she says wistfully, while peering out the window of the cafe, "a rival gang--the Venice Vipers--rolled into town. Herb and his friends stood up to them, telling them that Englewood was their town and that I was his girl and made them skedaddle. Ever since then, I've seen Herbie in a different light, but I knew our love could never be. He'll always be that renegade, that lone wolf, that unbroken stallion....... Well, that, plus he's already married."

This weekend, the sidewalks of Englewood buzzed with the din of nearly a hundred electric scooters, as they careened up and down the ribbons of concrete at speeds up to nearly 4 miles-per-hour, daring the local police force to confront them. Said one terrified resident from behind her closed door, "All that dang humming from those scooters is playing hell with my hearing aids. And the electrical interference makes it so I can hardly see Vanna turn the letters on Wheel of Fortune.

Businesses have reported wholesale vandalism and looting. One of the most troubling reports came from the local Walgreen's where an undetermined amount of Viagra and iron supplements were stolen, along with several cases of Metamucil.

Englewood terrrorized by roving bands of leather-clad, jazzed up hot-head senior citizens, just like these:

Friday, August 28, 2009

FLA Gov. Charlie Crist Scores Political Hat Trick, Picks Hockey Great Mario Lemieux For Vacant Senate Seat

"Now playing in the United States Senate for the State of Florida, number 66, Mariooooo Le-myooooo!!"

Gov. Charlie Crist rocked the political world today by announcing that hockey legend Mario Lemieux would complete the unfinished term of former senator, Mel Martinez. Crist is planning to run for the senate seat in 2010 when it comes up for re-election.

While political wags in Tallahassee had surmised that the governor would choose someone who would have no designs on running against him in 2010, no one could have guessed this choice. Names that were familiar in Florida political circles--Rep. Clay Shaw, Rep. Mike Billarakis, state Rep. Jennifer Carroll, UNF President John Delaney--had all been mentioned for the post, but were apparently disregarded by the governor.

With appointee Lemieux standing at his side, Gov. Crist made this statement regarding the appointment:

"Mario and I have been friends for some time now. He had mentioned to me recently that he had been entertaining the idea of running for political office back in Pittsburgh and I thought this would be a great way for him to get his political feet wet, so to speak. I see him as the perfect fit for this job. He has certainly proved himself to be not only a leader, but a winner, as well."

"He excelled on the ice and off. He's a fighter and a survivor. He put his career on hold to beat cancer and came back to play hockey for several more seasons. He was inducted into the Hall of Fame immediately upon his retirement. He is, literally, "The Great One."

"Florida needs someone in Washington who has the business sense to get this state and this country back on track. When Mario retired from playing, he took over the struggling Pittsburgh Penguin franchise, which had declared bankruptcy in 1998. The Pens, under Mario's leadership, have thrived to become one of the NHL's most solid profitable franchises. And that's what we're looking for him to do for Florida."

Reporters in the audience, desperately trying to process the announcement, asked Lemieux about his plans.

"Well, I intend to approach this new post like I faced all my other challenges," he said. "I won't wait for the easy shot, I'll be down there muckin' and grindin' in the corners, deke the goons, then try to kick the puck out away from the boards for the breakaway and the chance to go coast to coast, looking to bury the bisquit in the basket in either the five hole or the top shelf or maybe even take the wraparound, if it's there."

"And I won't be intimidated by Washington. I've played there lots of times."

When one reporter asked the governor if this wasn't an unusual move, Gov. Crist replied, "Look, if Dan Rooney can be appointed ambassador to Ireland, why can't I appoint Mario to the Senate? And, if you don't like it, maybe you should go out in the hall for a little one-on-one with Mr. Lemieux and drop the mitts."

"I talked to other candidates for the Senate job, but nobody else brought the Stanley Cup to an interview. Do you know how sweet that thing looks on my desk?" Gov. Charlie Crist

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Tragedy Strikes Ted Kennedy Motorcade

The motorcade carrying the body of Sen. Ted Kennedy from Hyannis Port to the John F. Kennedy Library in Boston was struck by tragedy today, as it was forced to take a slight detour from its planned route due to unforeseen road construction. As the hearse bearing Sen. Kennedy crossed the old Chappaquiddick Bridge, the driver inexplicably lost control of the vehicle and it plunged into the water below.

The son of the late senator, Patrick Kennedy, who is now a congressman from Rhode Island, was sitting in the passenger seat of the hearse and was able to escape. He was last seen making his way through the marshy area beside the bridge. Officers of the Massachusetts State Highway Patrol shouted for him to stop, but he disappeared into a wooded area.

When asked why no search had been mounted for the younger Kennedy, a Massachusetts state trooper on the scene said, "Oh, he'll show up back home in a couple hours. He's Teddy's kid; like father, like son. We've been down this road before."

The driver of the hearse, unfortunately, could not be rescued in time and drowned, being pronounced dead at the scene. He was identified as one Martin Joseph Kopechne who had just starting driving for O Danny Boy's Limousine Service, the owner of the hearse.

In an incredibly ironic twist of fate, driver Martin Joseph Kopechne and Mary Jo Kopechne, who drowned while a passenger in a car driven by the late Sen. Kennedy that plunged off the exact same bridge nearly forty years earlier to the day, are not related.

While the hearse was being winched out of the water, the rear door popped open and, to the horror of everyone present, Sen. Kennedy's casket floated out and bobbed to the surface. Before anyone could retrieve it, the coffin began its inexorable journey to the sea.

"Just like I said, " intoned the state trooper, "old Teddy's done this before."

Funeral arrangements have been put on hold while the US Coast Guard continues its search for the wayward remains of the late senator.

Locals point to where they last saw the casket of Sen. Kennedy floating toward open water.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Karma Bites Richmond Woman in Ass: "So What," You Ask?

Robin Starr, the CEO of the Richmond Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, was bitten directly on the ass by karma recently. Ms. Starr, champion of animals everywhere, took her beloved 16-year-old, blind and deaf dog, Louie, to work with her the other day, as is often her custom. Only this time, she "forgot" to take Louie actually into work with her, leaving him in her car for four hours, while the temperature in Richmond climbed into the low 90s that day by noon.

When Ms. Starr returned to her politically-correct Volvo station wagon to go for lunch at, undoubtedly, some trendy, upscale bistro that serves only free-range chicken and tofu, she noticed her faithful Louie laying in a pool of drool. She carried limp Louie into the SPCA clinic for treatment, but was referred to another emergency veterinary clinic, where lifeless Louie was pronounced 'well done' and a small plastic burgundy marker was stuck in Louie's hindquarters.

The Richmond Times-Dispatch reported that, at a press conference, Ms. Starr's husband, Ed, did what all good husbands should do--immediately took the blame for the incident. Ms. Starr stood by and let him. "I just forgot . . . and didn’t think about it until I got this frantic phone call from Robin. I knew immediately what I had done," he said.

Attaboy, Ed.

Since coming to the Richmond SPCA, Ms. Starr had been instrumental in the indictments of several local residents who had been charged with cruelty and animal neglect that led to animal deaths.

She is also an outspoken critic of Michael Vick and his role in a Virginia dogfighting ring.

In other news, Ms. Starr, in light of these tragic events, is expected to be offered a starting quarterback position with an, as of yet, unnamed professional football team.

The book on Robin Starr is that she has trouble seeing the field, but scrambles well to buy time for completions; lacks fundamental football skills, but improvises to make things happen; can appear overwhelmed at times on the field, but has great locker room presence; lacks arm strength, but possesses foot speed and agility; is often viewed as short-tempered with teammates, but it is generally considered that her bark is worse than her bite. Should be a great matchup when she plays the Eagles and Michael Vick.

Obama Takes Lead in Death Panels, KILLS Ted Kennedy

Conspiracy theorists, long ridiculed for being nothing more than off-the-wall eccentrics, have finally been vindicated with the revelation that Pres. Barack Obama actually HEADS the death panels, as first revealed to the American public by former Vice-Presidential nominee, former Governor of Alaska, former Mayor of Wasilla, AK, and former Anchorage sportscaster who has become the Mother Superior of The Holy Conservative Empire, Sarah Palin.

It has now been learned that, to his dubious credit, Pres. Barack "The Hit Man" Obama, is no shrinking violet when it comes to pulling the plug on those whom his death panel deems unfit to continue drawing breath.

During his campaign for the presidency, Obama, in an effort to boost his sagging poll numbers, traveled to Hawaii to visit his grandmother, who was, at the time, enjoying unusually robust health for an 86-year old woman. Less than one month after that dark visit, the grandmother, who had continued to go surfing on a regular basis, DIED.


Coincidence? Perhaps......

Now, in the middle of the raging health care debate in which the forces of evil have been shouted down by America-loving, God-fearing, right-wing white-haired white people, who just happen to be employed by giant insurance conglomerates, comes the unexpected death of Sen. Ted Kennedy at his home on Cape Cod, JUST DAYS AFTER THE OBAMA FAMILY WENT TO MARTHA'S VINEYARD.

Undocumented, but incredibly reliable sources who have recently been released by their alien abductors and are related to a cousin who swears that they know somebody who was actually there, have indicated that Obama paid an unannounced, top-secret midnight visit to Sen. Kennedy, who had just arrived back home from an invigorating sail around Cape Cod to demonstrate his excellent physical condition. Obama met privately with the senator, telling him, "Ted, we're in trouble on this health care thingy and I need your help. I need you to take one for the team. Can I count on you?"

The senator, ever the unwitting dupe, replied, "Of course. I'll do whatever you want."

Those were the last words spoken by the distinguished gentleman from Massachusetts.

Hours later, the news of Kennedy's death was beamed across America.

In a statement prepared days earlier that was read to the press, the Obama administration praised the late senator, saying, "Sen. Kennedy was a lion in the Senate. He lived to the ripe old age of 77 and had a good, long life. He was a champion for health care reform, which shall now be known as "The Kennedy Bill" because his passing gives us added momentum to pass this legislation. His lengthy service to his country should be his lasting legacy."

"Not to mention that he outlived his brothers, so there's that, too."

"You know, Ted, I'm not liking what I see here on your heart monitor. Let's see if we can't tweak it a little bit for you......"

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Court Orders Space Shuttle Launch Delayed Due To Noise Ordinance Complaint; NASA Future In Jeopardy

This morning's 1:10 AM launch of the space shuttle Discovery was postponed hours before liftoff when Titusville magistrate, Nedlow Barnes, informed the space agency that they would be in violation of the city's new noise ordinance and subject to legal action should the shuttle blast off as planned.

The newly-adopted anti-noise legislation was enacted following months of heated lobbying and endless tirades by Mrs. Flemma Chorleywood, a recent transplant from Sarasota, FL. "I moved here to Titusville to get away from all the noise in Sarasota," she explained. "Why, there were some days on Siesta Key where I would sit on my condo balcony and, if the wind was blowing in the right direction and I sat with my back to the west and I muted the volume while I watched "Wheel of Fortune" and my refrigerator wasn't running and my cat wasn't meowing, I could hear music--the devil's music, mind you--coming from those hellish dens of iniquities over in Siesta Village. And this was as late as 7:30 at night!"

"People used to walk up and down the sidewalk in front of my condo, sometimes up until the ungodly hour of 9:30 PM. I heard them talking, I heard their footsteps, I heard them breathing--and I didn't like it. Sometimes, I even heard young children laughing. Even when I had the TV on and couldn't actually hear them, I still knew they were out there, walking, talking......breathing."

Titusville mayor and space tourism booster, Leon "Skipper" Osowaw, was incensed that Mrs. Chorleywood had bullied her way into getting the noise ordinance passed by city council. "Maybe blustering and threatening is the way they do things in Sarasota, but we have a nice little town here and NASA is a big part of our life. Nobody has ever complained before and Mrs. Chorleywood knew full well about the launches before moving here. The condo complex she lives in is called "Blast-Off Acres," for heaven's sake."

When reminded that Titusville has been home to the space program since the 1960's and is a major source of jobs and income for the city, Mrs. Chorleywood replied disdainfully, "Well, that was before I moved here. Now I'll tell you what else I'm going after once NASA is shut down and sent packing--that damn ocean out there. Back in Sarasota, the Gulf was much quieter, hardly any waves. Here, all hours of the night, it's nothing but wave after wave after wave and I'm not going to put up with that sort of noise pollution, either."

"I've been a widow for 36 years and I'll say this about the late Mr. Chorleywood; at least he had the good sense to go quietly...."

Saturday, August 22, 2009

I'm Humberto Delgado, Jr. and I Am The N.R.A.

"My name is Humberto Delgado, Jr. I've been accused of killing Tampa police officer, Cpl. Mike Roberts. I may be homeless, but, when arrested, I had in my possession a Kel-Tec 223 assault rifle, a .22 caliber pistol, a .45 caliber handgun, a 9mm handgun and ammunition for each, as well as a .22 caliber rifle safely stored in an off-site storage locker, as is my God-given right under the 2nd Amendment of the Constitution, until the police illegally seized them as evidence."

"I am the N.R.A......."

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Beached Whale On Siesta Key Euthanized, Necropsy Reveals 'Whale' Was Actually Obese Tourist

Mote Marine was called to Siesta Key Public Beach in Sarasota yesterday to rescue what they believed was a beached pygmy whale. An excited crowd of beachgoers had gathered, covering the patient with wet towels, bikini tops and snack-bar napkins in a valiant effort to keep it hydrated until help arrived.

When the team of Mote biologists got to the scene, they quickly ascertained that the presumed beached whale was too far gone and was promptly euthanized, unceremoniously dragged off the beach, flopped onto a waiting flatbed truck and taken to the Mote facility for the standard necropsy, much to the horror of the volunteers who had been working on the victim for nearly 45 minutes.

It was only at the necropsy that the ghastly truth was revealed. The 'whale' was, in reality, a morbidly obese Mennonite tourist from Indiana, Mrs. Velma Lou Fefferwinkel of West Cow Udder Township.

Said one unidentified Sarasota resident who had worked so feverishly to save Mrs. Fefferwinkel on the beach, "We saw this poor woman having difficulty finding her footing in the sand to get out of the water, so several of us went to help her. Soon, more people showed up and covered her in wet towels to keep her cool until we could get her back to the shade of the pavilion."

"Then, like out of nowhere, these know-it-alls from Mote show up, immediately say she's too far gone and stick this giant needle in the poor woman's butt. That was pretty much all she wrote," he continued. "We were speechless, especially when they tied a cable around her and winched her off the beach to the parking lot."

A Mote spokesperson expressed their sincere condolences to the family of Mrs. Fefferwinkel, but vehemently denied any culpability in her death. "Mote Marine received a call that there was a distressed whale on Siesta Key beach. When we arrived on the scene, Mrs. Fefferwinkel was unresponsive, completely covered in wet towels, with an excited crowd of about 50 people milling around her--a classic beached whale scenario that we've dealt with many times--and we acted according to prescribed protocol. It was just a tragic accident."

The Sarasota Mennonite community has expressed outrage at the cavalier attitude of Mote Marine. Miller M. Miller, a local Mennonite leader, said, "As a Mennonite, Mrs. Fefferwinkel did not wear traditional bathing attire when she entered the Gulf. As she attempted to exit the water, she apparently lost her balance, fell and could not get back up on her own. She quickly grew overheated trying to get up, but her wet clothes kept pulling her back down. Several people on the beach went to help her, then, all of a sudden, Mote shows up and kills the poor woman."

Mrs. Fefferwinkel's husband went to the Mote Marine Labs to identify and claim the body. "Oh, no, my Velma Lou that is, sure enough," he said quietly upon seeing his wife. "I will miss her rhubarb pie in the spring, I will."

Onlookers watch as Mote Marine biologists euthanize overweight tourist on Siesta Key, mistaking her for a beached whale.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Commissioner Turner Says "We Don't Need No Stinkin' Parking Meters In Sarasota

A scant 40 years ago, the City of Sarasota determined that having parking meters downtown was a bad thing. Now, the present City Commission has apparently seen the error of that outmoded thinking and voted 4-1 to re-install parking meters on city streets, despite pleas from merchants, the Downtown Improvement District and reasonable people everywhere who have noticed that there is a recession going on.

Ignoring evidence that there is an average of 15% open spaces on city streets at any one time, the commissioners declared that the city cries out for parking meters, apparently to help organize the chaos that is sure to come this spring with the choking influx of Baltimore Oriole fans flocking to the Suncoast to follow their team during spring training. Either that, or one of the commissioners couldn't find a parking space in front of their favorite downtown watering hole one afternoon.

The only commissioner voting against the meters was Terry Turner. "Why, there's plenty of parking spaces out there. In fact, I found an empty one right out in front of city hall today right before the meeting."

Commissioner Turner demonstrates the fine art of finding an open parking space in downtown Sarasota, prior to the vote on the installation of parking meters.

Connecting The Dots: Follow The Links To The Suncoast's Really, Really, Really Important Stories of the Day

  • Giving new meaning to the phrase "Hello, Kitty." Link

  • There is a difference between showing someone you're crazy and showing them your nuts. Link

  • "The pizza does taste kind of funny, but my mouth sure feels minty-fresh." Link

Monday, August 17, 2009

Archdiocese of Miami To Close 14 Churches; Thousands Slated To Lose Eternal Salvation Benefits

In a move finalized this past week by the Archdiocese of Miami, a letter from Archbishop John C. Favalora was read by pastors of 14 Roman Catholic churches on Sunday morning informing their congregants that their parishes would be dissolved. Many parishoners wept openly, most prayed, while some younger boys and girls sat quietly alongside their parents, secretly rejoicing that they would no longer have to sit through this weekly dose of hell called Sunday Mass.

The Archbishop's letter explained that the Diocese, already reeling from past charges of financial malfeasance and sexual misconduct by some of its priests, was mired in the economic downturn like everyone else and had to cut costs to survive. Citing decreased offerings, significantly lower bingo revenue and dwindling rummage sale totals, the Archdiocese had no choice but to shutter some underperforming parishes.

Critics noted, however, that the majority of churches to be closed were located in predominantly poorer ethnic neighborhoods; two in Haitian areas, two serving black neighborhoods, one Brazilian enclave and others with abundant elderly congregations, as well as disbanding its youth ministry program and seven schools.

A spokespriest for the Diocese, who did not wish to be identified, said, "We regret the loss of these churches and their members. However, our principal stockholders in Rome left us no choice but to weed out some of our less productive profit-centers. Some parishoners with a good track record of giving to the church will be offered membership in the remaining churches. Unfortunately, most of the parishoners will have to be let go. This was strictly a business decision. We want them to know that we appreciate their years of faithful service to us and wish them well in their future endeavors."

"We also must advise our former parishoners," he continued, "that any attempt to seek out a non-Roman Catholic denomination for spiritual comfort and guidance will be met with the high likelihood of eternal damnation. We would, therefore, suggest that any members who cannot be relocated to another parish continue to send their tithes and offerings to the Diocese to ensure their good-standing with the Church, thereby gaining automatic entry into heaven."

Former Miami priest, Father Alberto Cutie, who resigned his position after his romance with a parishoner came to light when pictures of the popular cleric showed him cavorting with and groping a bikini-clad hottie on the beach, extended this offer to all displaced Catholics in the Miami area: "Some of you may know me as the host of Hablando con Padre Alberto (Talking with Father Alberto.) Some of you know me as Father Oprah. Like you, I, too, was forced out of the Church. I have become an Episcopalian and, believe me, it's a great place to worship, meet new people and, as the young people say, 'get your God on.' I extend to you an invitation to join us this Sunday."

In other news, the Archdiocese of Miami announced what they have termed as the 'grand re-imagining' of its former Little Sisters of Habana chapel, from an impoverished Latino neighborhood near downtown Miami, to its new building in South Beach, now called St. Citibank. Said the Archbishop, "While this may seem over the top and inappropriate to some due to the current economy, we simply had to invest in this kind of facility if we are to retain our top performers."

Friday, August 14, 2009

Replacement Work for "Unconditional Surrender" Previewed By Sarasota's Arts Committee

Members of the Sarasota Public Arts Committee got their first exclusive glimpse the new art installation that is to take the place of the controversial sculpture Unconditional Surrender on Sarasota's bayfront.

This visually-stunning piece by renowned Norwegian artist, Willemsky Mihalcolovich, is made with steel, fiberglass, batik, chicken bones and used pizza boxes. Entitled Krash Landink, which, loosely translated from the artist's native tongue means "Crash Landing," has the local arts community all a-flutter.

"Never before have we had an installation that so perfectly captures what we are trying to accomplish here in Sarasota to educate these plebian swine who insist on living here among us glitterati," said one Public Arts Committee member. "This piece embodies the bleakness and heartbreak, the sheer hopelessness and futility of life itself, the desperate misery of man's inhumanity to man that permeates the very fiber of our being and crushes our collective souls into a melange of Dantian desolation. It's everything that great art is supposed to be. It's wonderful!"

One unidentified worker at the Venice airport where the piece was flown in to give the Arts Committee their private viewing of the masterpiece, commented, "Reminds me of a busted-up plane crash, if you ask me. Or real estate here in Florida. But, then again, I ain't no art critic. And I ain't no realtor, neither. So, maybe it is art. And maybe it is time to buy that new home you've always dreamed of. Hahahahaha......."

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Sarasota Arts Panel Says 'No' To "Unconditional Surrender," Obama Death Panel Says 'RIP Old-Timer'

Sarasota's shadowy "Public Arts Committee" held an emergency meeting at Nick's Bar on Bee Ridge Road on Tues. night and debated the fate of Seward Johnson's 'Unconditional Surrender' until being ushered from the establishment around 12:30 AM, when the bartender realized that the credit card offered by a committee member used to run the tab was an expired Home Depot gift card. As the members exited the bar, they told the bar's owner, Nick, to send the bill for the evening's libations to 1618 Main St. in Sarasota.

A quick check in the telephone book revealed that the address is for the now defunct Scoop Management.

The Sarasota P.A.C. informed city commissioners that they voted unanimously 5-0 to bar the sculpture from Sarasota's bayfront. Spokescritic and Sarasota bon vivant, Virginia Hoffman, eloquently summed up the P.A.C. position thusly: "We want that piece of shit outta here and we want it outta here now, so we can bring in even more shit for the next Season of Sculpture!"

Ms. Hoffman, in addition to being the voice of good taste in Sarasota, is also the ex-wife of Sarasota bad boy Art Nadel. It has been said that his divorce from Ms. Hoffman put Nadel on the downward spiral to a life of crime, fraud and corruption, leading up to his confinement today in a Manhattan prison cell, where he continues to pine for Ms. Hoffman. "All I ever wanted was to be good enough for her," he has been quoted as saying. "All I ever wanted to do was please her, but her standards are so high......"

Ms. Hoffman also told the city commissioners that the sculpture is suffering from corrosion, weakening the structural integrity of the piece. She said she had personally contacted President Obama's 'Death Panel' in Washington and told them about the corrosion. Ms. Hoffman then read the following statement from the 'Death Panel':

"It is the learned opinion of this august panel that the sculpture known as "Unconditional Surrender" be terminated forthwith and with extreme prejudice. It makes no economic sense to continue the argument regarding the placement of this sculpture when it's time is clearly past. Just like all the old geezers and geezerettes whose lackluster and, quite frankly, questionable service to this country during some war that nobody remembers or cares about any more is represented by this tawdry reproduction, it is not only time for them to be put out to pasture, but plowed under the pasture as soon as they can be rounded up at the nursing homes where everybody over 70-years old should all live."

Rich Swier, president of the county's veteran's commission and official 'Windbag of the Suncoast', expressed outrage at the decision: "They just blew off the people of Sarasota. That's MY job. I'm the guy pushing to drill for oil on our beaches, regardless of what the people of Sarasota want. I said it before and I'll say it again, 'If you don't like looking at oil derricks, look the other way. How about that?'"

"Their (the Public Arts Commission) arrogance is astounding to me. And, believe me, as a State Senator, I know arrogance...."

FL Sen. Mike Bennett

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

With Recent Success of Continental Airlines Holding 47 Passengers on Plane, Obama Administration to Use Surplus Aircraft to House Guantanamo Detainees

Robert Gibbs, President Obama's press secretary, and Janet Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Defense, announced jointly this morning that a new alternative to incarcerating the 245 suspected terrorists in Guantanamo has been found.

"This is a win-win situation for everyone," said Gibbs. "As shutting down the prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, has been a priority for this administration, we are pleased to announce that an agreement has been reached with the nation's major air carriers, several airports and the Dept. of Homeland Security. It is our intent to lease the surplus and outdated aircraft of our country's beleaguered airlines, rent space from several airports around the country who are struggling with decreased traffic revenue and house those prisoners transferred from Guantanamo in these aircraft on isolated sections of tarmacs at the airports."

"It actually all became very clear to us with this latest incident involving Continental Express Flight 2816 that securely held 47 passengers for six hours in Minnesota recently," explained Sec. Napolitano. "If we can detain fare-paying American taxpayers, including small children, for six hours without food or functioning toilet facilities on a regional airplane without an escape, death or wholesale mutiny, we most certainly will be able to secure a bunch of emaciated, dispirited terrorists on old 727s and 747s indefinitely."

One reporter in the audience asked if this arrangement would contradict the Geneva Convention on humane treatment for prisoners-of-war. "I have spoken personally to former Vice-President, Dick Cheney, who assures me that this proposal, while only marginally better than waterboarding, does not constitute a violation of prisoner protocol," said Sec. Napolitano. "And that's good enough for me."

"We will continue to treat the prisoners fairly and humanely in their new accomodations....."

"....but if they give us any guff, we do have certain contingency plans--plans that don't include open doors or emergency chutes......"

Monday, August 10, 2009

Smokey Bear Claims Obamacare "Death Panel" Targeted Him, Forcing Him Into Retirement

Smokey Bear, who turned 65 yesterday, was feted by the US Forest Service with a celebration in Washington, DC, has privately told friends that he is being forced into retirement by political bureaucrats.

"I feel good--like a bear half my age," Smokey said. "I never miss an engagement, never go over my allotment of sick days. I think I have a lot of good years left in me with the Forest Service. They talked about a desk job, maybe. That's not me; I mean, hell, I'm a BEAR, for crying out loud. I need to be out with the people, spreading the word, crapping in the woods."

But spreading the word may be part of the problem. A confidential internal memo of the Forest Service was recently leaked, indicating issues with Smokey Bear's relevance among today's youth, especially Hispanics."

"I know, I know; I've heard it before," said Smokey, addressing those same issues. "I tried learning Spanish, but, being a bear, it's hard, you know. Last year, they wanted me to change my uniform to a sideways baseball cap and oversized, satin basketball shorts that hung down off my ass. They said I would have to wear boxer shorts, so as not to offend anyone. Look, I'm a grown BEAR--they're lucky I wear jeans. I'm sure as hell not wearing boxers and basketball shorts."

"I know they brought in some young hip-hop cub last year for a tryout. Wanted to name him "B-schizzle Bear." He didn't last. Couldn't keep up with the schedule. All he wanted to do was party with the lady bears, if you know what I mean; party and hibernate all winter. Being the spokesbear against forest fires is a 365-day, 24/7 job, my friend. Fire knows no season."

"Hey, look, God knows I'm not perfect," Bear went on. "I've had my demons along the way--drugs in the '60s, alcohol, picnic baskets. I guess the low point was back in the mid-eighties when I was scrounging around garbage dumps, looking for scrap to sell to support my coke habit. But I got clean and have never, NEVER let fans see me that way, strayed off message or missed a photo-op with kids. Never. Shouldn't that count for something?"

Smokey has also admitted to friends that he is having some health issues. "Two years ago, the doctors told me I had lung cancer from inhaling all that smoke when I was a kid. Hell, I didn't know any better. They said 'Get out there on the fire line with those other smoke-eaters to fight the fires; it'll make great copy.' Who knew? When you're a young bear, you think you're bulletproof."

"Yeah, they came to talk to me," Smokey went on, referring to the "Death Panel" of Obama's Healthcare plan that was first revealed by Sarah Palin. "I didn't know who they were at first, just some government guys asking how I was feeling, then telling me that 65 was a good, long life for a bear and I should be happy that I lived this long. They knew I had lung cancer. They said there was nothing more they could do for me and that I should consider just retiring quietly and going off into the woods somewhere to die. Me, Smokey the Bear. Go die because the government doesn't want to pay my medical bills and my pension? Tell me that's fair......"

"I've talked with Gov. Palin. She knows what's going on, the "Death Panels" and all. Telling real Americans it's time for them to go off into the woods to die so the government can pay for late-term, partial-birth abortions for illegal aliens so they can steal American jobs and ruin this country. I didn't spend my whole life preventing forest fires to watch my America go up in flames. She knows the truth. If I lose this gig with the Forest Service, you can bet my furry ass I'm going on tour with her to get the word out about this plot."

"Who says I can't relate to today's kids? Why, this picture was just taken last week. Look, they love me....."

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Joe Jackson Says He Has Seen The Light, Announces Formation of The First Church of Michael Jackson

Father of the late King of Pop, Joe Jackson, scorned by family and fans alike, says son Michael came to him in a vision last night and told him to form the Church of Michael Jackson.

"Now I know a lot of you may be skeptical about this announcement," said the elder Jackson. "And I know I am seen as a huckster, a flim-flammer, someone who exploited his children for his own gain. But, Michael came to me last night in my hotel room in Vegas after I had been out drinking and partying 'til the wee hours of the morning with some young women who were not my wife."

"Michael is not dead. Or, should I say, Michael is no longer dead. You want to know why they haven't buried the body? Because there is no body to bury. Michael, my son, has RISEN FROM THE DEAD! HALLELUJAH!" Jackson exclaimed, raising his arms.

When asked how he felt about the visit, seeing as how his son was dead and all, Jackson said Michael spoke to him, saying, "Be not afraid, Father, for I come to you in peace. Know that it is truly me by the manner of my moonwalk. I am here to command you to go into all the world and preach my gospel."

Gathering his composure, Jackson continued, "Michael came to me because he now realizes that I am the one to spread his word. And because, in death, Michael also realizes that, even though I may have been firm with him and his siblings at times, he now knows that I done right by them, no matter what those ungrateful brats or their mean, spiteful mother says about me."

"Michael tells me that he will be visiting me soon to give me the first chapters in The Book of Michael, which will be available shortly in a handsome leather-bound edition with illustrations and pictures. An audio version featuring Rev. Al Sharpton reading from the Book of Michael will follow, as will a children's version and a pocket version."

"Michael's children are to be a central focus of his new church. They are to be viewed as prophets in his church, as am I. He related to me last night what I had suspected for some time now, that being that all three children--Prince, Paris and Prince Redux--are products of a virgin birth, with Michael being the virgin, in this case. Even though they are definitely his offspring, he did not have carnal knowledge of Ms. Rowe or Prince II's mother, whose name he shall reveal to me in future days. He willed those women to conceive his children. This is to be known henceforth as the First Miracle of Michael. GLORY TO MICHAEL!"

Jackson then paused to reach inside his pinstripe suitcoat and slowly pull out what appeared to be a velvet bag. Gently untying the drawstring, Jackson spoke quietly, "I know there are unbelievers out there among you. And I know that some of you will only be swayed by that which you can see and touch. And I say to you, here is your proof."

At that, with the theatrical flair for which he is famous, Joe Jackson showed to the hushed crowd of usually hard-bitten reporters what is destined to become The Second Miracle of Michael. Speaking with great gravitas, Jackson pronounced, "I must say, that given the circumstances of my previous night's experience, I was somewhat befuddled in the morning. Just then, there was a knock on my hotel door. When I opened the door, room service was there with breakfast. Lifting the cover from the platter, I discovered this piece of toast with Michael's image on it. And I didn't even order room service. PRAISE BE TO MICHAEL, PRAISE BE TO MICHAEL!"

"I am pleased to announce that I have a limited number of replicas of this miracle toast for sale. Michael urges you to buy a large one for your home, a magnetic one for the dashboard of your car and the smaller medallion version to wear around your neck, as I am wearing now."

New Owner of Exclusive Sarasota Golf Course Has Big Surprises in Store for Members

When somebody uses the new buzzword phrase "shovel ready" to describe a project, mining executive Bruce Cassidy, Sr., takes them at their word. Literally.

Cassidy, chief executive of Excel Mining Systems, Inc., is also head of Excel Golf LLC, new owners of the prestigious Concession Golf Club in Manatee County. In a last-ditch effort to stave off being beaten to death with 7-irons at the hands of irate club members. developer Kevin Daves brought in Cassidy (and his money) to help finish the $15 million clubhouse, a signature feature of the luxury course.

Now, Daves has ceded control of the golf course, the clubhouse and membership sales to Cassidy and Excel. Good thing, too, because Daves was only able to sell 100 of the planned 300 club memberships to date. At $125,000 a pop, those 200 unsold memberships were to bring in $25 million to pay for amenities at the course--everything from the clubhouse to the grass.

Rumors that the Legacy Golf Club would be seized by its lender drove the Concession's members to demand that Daves do something to save their club from foreclosure, citing rosy promises from the developer/promoter who told them three years ago that "Now is the time to buy property in Sarasota. Real estate is a sure thing in this area and values will only continue to skyrocket....."

Daves, sensing his imminent doom, brought in Cassidy and Excel to rescue the golf course development. And his own skin.

Cassidy, however, apparently does not share the luxury golf course vision shared by the 100 club members and those with estate-sized mansions that have been built or are to be built around the course. Cassidy, himself, is wrapping up construction on a 23,000-square foot "captain's cottage" for his family at the Concession.

"Look," said Cassidy gruffly, "I know mining. I made my money in mining. You know how much money I made in golf--NADA! I suck at golf, but I'm good at mining; so it's only logical for me to do what I do best here at the Concession. That being said, when this deal is finalized, the back nine are going to be shut down and we're goin' in there with drag lines, dozers, pans and every other piece of earth-moving equipment larger than a shovel I can get my hands on. The dirts gonna be flyin' around that place."

"And when we're done there, we'll shut down the front nine and do the same. Hell, I don't care if the only golf ever played at the Concession ends up being Putt-Putt. My grandkids like Putt-Putt. Then, it's on to the 400 acres still owned by Daves. Wachovia is foreclosing on them anyway."

"This is the view I want to see out of the window of my 23,000 sq. ft. house. I love the smell of diesel fumes and burning vegetation in the morning. It reminds me of----money!" Bruce Cassidy, Excel Golf

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Coup Attempt Against Punta Gorda Mayor Causes Pandemonium, Martial Law Is Declared

Initial reports from the sleepy seaside town of Punta Gorda, FL, are beginning to reach the outside world that indicate the city is in flames and there are some reports of bodies in the streets. It is not known at this time, however, whether those bodies are casualties or just elderly citizens who have fallen and can't get back up.

Apparently, a group of residents went to the home of Mayor Larry Friedman to see for themselves the fence erected along his side yard by his neighbor, 88-year old widow, Gerda Craig. They hoped to bring an amicable end to this source of embarrassment to their hamlet, since the onset of allegations that the mayor used his political office to browbeat those in the building department to condemn the fence.

When the group arrived, however, they were stunned to see that Ms. Craig's house being demolished by heavy equipment owned and operated by the Public Works Dept. Other city machinery and workers were next door, building what appeared to be a moat and an earthen breastwork around the mayor's residence.

Punta Gorda police, augmented by a "special militia" of the mayor's supporters, quickly turned their attention to the awe-struck group of onlookers, wading into them with truncheons swinging, inflicting a heavy toll upon the fleeing citizenry.

Newly-appointed 'Chief of Domestic Security' for Punta Gorda, Guido "No-Neck" Antonucci, announced to the gathered media outside of City Hall, "The Mayor has declared martial law in Punta Gorda. We have blocked entry into the city to keep disruptive influences from the outside from coming into our town. There is a "shoot-to-kill" order in effect for any persons on the street after 7:00 PM until further notice. We are here to enforce the law, ensure the peace and do the will of God, as interpreted by the Lord High Mayor himself, Larry Friedman, Mayor for Life. I will take no questions and there will be no further statements issued by the Mayor's office and all media personnel are to be escorted back to wherever the hell it is youse came from forthwith."

Refugees were streaming across the bridge into Port Charlotte, overwhelming their meager services almost immediately. Gas was in short supply and convenience stores and supermarkets had already run out of milk, bread and toilet paper, as the fleeing throng descended like a horde of locusts upon the Rt. 41 business corridor of Port Charlotte, on their way northward to safety. North Fort Myers to the south was reporting a similar situation.

One couple, who did not want to be indentified, said that, just prior to their leaving, there was a wholesale roundup of political opponents to Mayor Friedman. They were unsure of there whereabouts and could not vouch for their well-being. "It's hard to believe that all this started over a fence, " said the visibly-shaken woman. "Oh, the humanity...."

Late Saturday afternoon, a major clash between forces loyal to the mayor and citizens brave enough--or foolhardy enough--to confront the newly-crowned despot was averted at the last minute when the bell in the City Hall clocktower chimed 4 o'clock. The angry mob laid down their pitchforks and extinguished their torches, while the security militia defending the seat of government in Punta Gorda set aside their automatic weapons and light artillery, defusing what would surely have resulted in an inordinate amount of bloodshed on both sides.

It was time for the 'early-bird specials' at local restaurants.

No word yet on whether the demonstration will resume after dinner.

Mayor For Life Larry Friedman's newly-remodeled home in Punta Gorda. Note fence in foreground.......

Friday, August 7, 2009

Sarasota Entrepreneur To Form Start-Up Company To Offer "Beer Summits" For The Masses

Darling of the Sarasota social scene, Arthur Morgan Diamond, announced to a rapt audience of reporters hastily gathered at his soon-to-be-foreclosed-upon failed condominium development on Longboat Key that he is beginning a new "can't miss" venture and is seeking investors who "stand to make a phenomenal return on their investment, but only if they act now."

According to the prospectus, the fledgling business will capitalize on the runaway success of Pres. Obama's so-called "Beer Summit," where the president met with police Sgt. James Crowley, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates and, never one to miss a free beer or a photo-op, Vice-President Joe Biden. With his new company, tentatively titled, oddly enough, "Beer Summits," Diamond hopes to fill a niche in our troubled world.

"I envision "Beer Summits" taking the place of many traditional mediation outlets," he said, ticking off numerous examples, like:
  • street fights and drive-by shootings,
  • confrontations between neighbors,
  • divorce and custody battles,
  • church softball league rainouts,
  • union and labor relations conflicts,
  • small claims court,
  • the United Nations

"Once this concept takes off here in Sarasota, I can see this idea going national, maybe even one day global. Imagine a world without armed conflict, just two power-mad dictators sitting at a picnic table having a beer, figuring out how to rape and plunder their countries evenly. It would be a beautiful thing," he said, his voice cracking.

"Just picture the leaders of the G-20 and the protesters who always follow them around, drinking beer, finding common ground. Even pro-life and pro-choice factions could get together, throw back a couple cold ones and come to the realization that, hey, we're all the same here, just that some of us are a little more nutty than others, that's all."

Diamond says he's already gotten a call from the NCAA, of all people. "They want to know if the "Beer Summit" would be right for them, so they could scrap the whole BCS thing."

He intends to start out small, limiting his immediate projects to here in Sarasota. "We will initially focus on local disputes, like landlord vs. tenant, bank foreclosure vs. underwater homeowner, greedy investor vs. even-greedier scam artists, Confederate flag waver vs. pistol-pulling shooter and the like," Diamond offered.

"In no time, "Beer Summits" will be wildly popular and making money for those wise enough to have gotten in on the first floor. They will also be given first shot at investing in my new "Beer Summits School," where we will teach the rudiments of operating a beer summit franchise in the enrollee's own hometown," gushed Diamond. "This is the freshest idea to come along since hockey came to Sarasota!"

In an interesting side development, attorneys for Mr. & Mrs. Max Herrera, targets of a wrongful death lawsuit when they supplied beer to their son's teenage house party that ended in the brawling death of 18-year old Greg Kennedy, are researching Diamond's concept. Said one attorney, "We will contend that the Herrera's were only engaging in a prototype version of his "Beer Summit" and that he, Mr. Diamond and, therefore, by extension, President Obama, should ultimately be held liable for this unfortunate incident."

Freed Journalists Relate Dread Of Plane Ride Home With Clinton

Speaking freely for the first time from the safety of their own homes just days after their release from North Korea, journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling, have broken their silence about the single most frightening aspect of their months of captivity--the long airplane ride home with former-Pres. Bill Clinton.

Said Ms. Lee, "The North Koreans treated us fairly and kindly, even though we were held in isolation since March. And even when their courts sentenced us to 12 years of hard labor, in our hearts, we knew it was just posturing on their part. We were certain that we would be released, most likely to either ex-Pres. Jimmy Carter, who's known for this kind of thing, or to Sec. of State, Hillary Clinton."

"Imagine our horror when we entered the room and saw Bill Clinton standing there with that trademark lecherous grin on his face. He said, 'Girls, I'm here to take you home,' and winked at us. Realizing we would have to appear grateful to him and spend hour upon hour alone with him in the confined space of an airplane, Laura and I were almost ready to turn around and go back. Twelve years isn't that long, we thought......" her voice trailing off.

Ms Ling picked up the story, "To make matters worse, when we asked him why his wife didn't at least accompany him, he replied, 'Hil's in Kenya and like she always says, 'When there's a young girl involved, Bill is always ready to go. In more ways than one, if you get my drift.' He laughed and said, 'God, I love that woman.'"

According to Ms Ling, Clinton also volunteered for the rescue mission as a favor to his fomer Vice -President, Al Gore, who owns the cable TV station where both young women work and were on assignment when they were detained. "I told Al that I would come for y'all," Clinton told the women, "because I figured I owed him something for kinda screwing--no pun intended, ladies--him out of the presidency. I don't know if I would have done it, though, if the hostages weren't two lovely ladies like yourselves."

Some of their worst fears were realized on their journey home, when Mr. Clinton appeared in the airplane's cabin in a smoking jacket and silk pajamas, carrying an open bottle of wine and three glasses. "I told the boys in the cockpit to lower the lights, so you girls could relax a little bit. Ever wonder why it's called a 'cockpit', honey?" he drawled.

Both women related how Mr. Clinton began regaling them with stories of how he had to broker their release. "I had to bring Kim Jong Il a dozen cheeseburgers from McDonald's--luckily I bought two dozen. It was a long plane ride over here, you know. Then, he wanted a pair of 4" platform shoes, size 6 1/2. I had to send an aide scrambling all over New York trying to find those. 6 1/2 shoes--you know what they say about small hands and feet, don't you, girls? Now, myself, I wear a size 12......"

"The worst thing I had to do to get that little bastard to let you go was sit through this piece of crap movie. TWICE!" Clinton said, pulling out a laptop and scrunching himself in between the two women.

After the propaganda film about the Communist dictator was over, Clinton pushed another key which started another video on the computer screen, only this time it was of Mr. Clinton himself, clad only in a leopard-print Speedo, lounging around a swimming pool, while several young girls in bikinis cavorted in the water behind him.

"You know, girls, if it wasn't for you two, I could be here right now," he said softly. "Why don't you show your Uncle Billy how much you appreciate him coming for you."

At this, both journalists ran to the airplane's lavatory and locked themselves inside for the remainder of the flight.

As the plane touched down and the three disembarked, Clinton touched Ms Ling on the shoulder and whispered, "You wouldn't happen to have an older, grateful sister by any chance, would you?" ogling CNN reporter, Lisa Ling, waiting on the tarmac for her sister, Laura, to descend the stairs from the plane.

Once the women were on the ground, they briefly exchanged hugs with their families, then were whisked away by motorcade to their respective homes.

Said Ms. Lee later, "Honestly, after that whole experience on the plane with that man, all we wanted to do was go home and take a shower."

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Televangelists and Rock 'N Roll--Who Knew?

This article by columnist Tony Norman draws a correlation between some of our favorite tele-scam-gelists and their corresponding early rock 'n roll icons.


Norman Vincent Peale

would be:

Hank Williams


Rev. Frederick (Rev. Ike) Eikerenkoetter II

would be:

Little Richard (Wooooooo!)


Benny "Send Me Money" Hinn

would be:

Bo "Bo Diddley" Diddley


Robert "Send Me Money" Schuller

would be:

Chuck "Johnny B. Goode" Berry


Ernest "Send Me Money" Angley

would be:

Chubby "The Twist" Checker


Jim "Send Me Money" Bakker

would be:

Buddy "Peggy Sue" Holly


Jimmy "Send Me Money" Swaggert

would be:

Jerry Lee "Great Balls Of Fire" Lewis


Joel "Send Me Money" Osteen

would be:

Elvis "Love Me Tender" Presley


Creflo "Send Me Money" Dollar

would be:

James "I Feel Good" Brown

Sorry if I offended any of you rock n' roll fans out there......

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

New Photo Reveals Shocking Chapter of Lance Armstrong's Sordid Past

This recently declassified photo, found sealed in a jar of pickled beets in the back of the third shelf from the bottom of a fruit cellar of a recently demolished tavern in the village of Wollstadt, Germany, is proof positive that Lance Armstrong's doping issue should be the least of his problems.

As can be clearly seen in this shocking photograph, Armstrong leads the pack of other bikers by a full 2.4 seconds along the treacherous Rue de Cherchez la Femme during the 1940 Tour de France.

So, Mr. Yellow Wristband, how can you still insist that you have never used performance-enhancing drugs when, assuming you were 19 when this photo was taken, your true age today would be 88-YEARS OLD!

And how do you explain those suspiciously-familiar biking togs you're wearing???

And, why haven't you, Wild Thing, reported on this story? Are you a friend of Lance or, perhaps, the company he keeps, meine wenig liebchen???
Thanks for the truth, Roger.

Monday, August 3, 2009

New Threat To Suncoast--Experts Ask: "How Could This Happen?"

Scientists from all over the world are flocking to the Suncoast to examine what is apparently a new species of ocean predator/bird--and what could become the next threat to residents living here.


What appears to be a cross between a shark and a seagull has been reported in various neighborhoods all around the Sarasota/Bradenton area, with the notable exception of Prestancia at Palmer Ranch. It is theorized that these creatures are in that area, as well, but, since all Prestancia residents are summering in either the Hamptons, Martha's Vineyard, the Cape or aboard their yachts, there is just no one left there to report any sightings.

This new species, tentatively known as Jawsicus airbornicus, has scientists worried about the potential effect it will have on native species, such as squirrels and rabbits. The Sarasota Convention and Visitor's Bureau is concerned about the possible chilling effect on tourism on the Suncoast. Said one anonymous staffer, "Can you imagine some family from Ohio visiting our town, spending just oodles of money, then, while at one of our beautiful white-sandy beaches, little Muffy feeds the last part of her peanut butter and jelly sandwich to the gulls only to have her tiny arm ripped off and carried away by this winged menace? What do you think they'll tell their friends back in Ohio when they ask about a Sarasota vacation?"

The Sarasota County Commissioners called an emergency meeting to address this crisis, where Jon Thaxton told the packed auditorium, "I'm just not sure we should rush into any half-cocked idea here to attempt a wholesale eradication of these creatures. We need to consider any ecological repercussions. Now, if there is a 'green' solution to this problem--like importing some bigger, stronger, faster predator to take care of these sharkbirds--then I'm all for it."

Rich Swier, local blowhard and raving advocate for drilling for oil off our beaches, offered this opinion: "Perfect timing. We drill, we spill, we coat those little bastard sharkbirds in some 10W30, they die a slow and agonizing death--I'd call that a win-win situation for everyone!"

Meg Lowman, noted environmental activist, had a more reasoned and scientific assessment of the sharkbird situation. "Who knows how many of these flying death machines are out there. There could be thousands, MILLIONS even. And even if we get rid of the sharkbirds, it's only a matter of time before we're overrun by pythons, Monitor lizards, iguanas. And after all these years of treating Mother Earth like a sewer, who knows what else is climbing out of the primordial ooze somewhere, even as we speak. Giant mutated ants, fire-breathing, Japanese sea monsters, giant bald men with one eye--we're doomed, I tell you. DOOMED!"

A spokesperson for Ms. Lowman, Amazonian bushman, Ulmaitwqr Bljwwak, later said that her medication was being adjusted and she would have nothing further to say to the media until she had a nice steaming cup of spotless coralroot orchid tea. Ahhhhhhhh.....

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Pope Benedict XVI Completes New Album; Vatican Planning Blow Out Release Party

Vatican officials offered a glimpse today into what promises to be the most memorable celebration in the Holy City's storied history to kick off the release of the Pontiff's first album on the Roman Catholic Church's label, Rosary Records.

The Holy See, organizers of the event, released a guest list that is a veritable who's who of the entertainment industry, from latin crooner Marc Anthony to hip hop's Jay-Z. In addition to the Holy Father singing selected tracks off his new album entitled Forget John Paul II--This Pope's Gonna Rock Your World, special musical guests and hottest new act to come out of V-town, as Vatican City has come to be known, are to be glam-rockers NWA--Nuns With Attitude.

Executive producer for the album, Puffio Daddilini, says, "Pope Benny was cool to work with. He showed up ready to work everyday and put 110% of himself into this project, totally blocking out the distractions of being the spiritual leader of 1.1 billion Roman Catholics while we were recording. I've known a lot of artists in my day, but never anyone as focused as the XVI-man."

A complete playlist of the album has not been released to the public, but anonymous sources indicate the Pope runs the gamut of pop music in his debut offering, from a cover of Tupac Shakur's gangsta rap classic Is There A Ghetto In Heaven to a pulsating techno-pop duet with Lady Gaga on a catchy riff of her monster hit Poker Face, reconfigured as Pope R Face.

The only slow spot on the album is the obligatory duet with Bono, singing about children dying from famine or genocide or some such nonsense, where it's painfully apparent that the Pope's head just isn't into such heavy-handed message music. He shines, however, on those tracks when he gets to rock out and let loose, as demonstrated on his soon-to-be-classic dance track with Black Eyed Peas frontman, will. i. am, My Humps.

While some in the religious world fear that His Holiness will lose credibility with the faithful, Pope Benedict XVI assures his flock, "My music is a gift to be shared with the world, just as the
Gospel is a gift to be shared with the world. If I can reach out to those who have not heard the Word by getting them listen to me crank out Slayer's old death metal hit Hell Awaits, will not the end justify the means?

One of the more controversial tracks is sure to be the Pope's version of the John Lennon tune Imagine. The Pope dismisses criticism where the writer "imagines.... no religion.....," saying, "I'm sure John was not referring to the Roman Catholic religion, just all the other so-called religions of the world, which we all know are directly rooted in and propagated by Satanism."

Shaken by the recent death of Michael Jackson, the producers convinced the Holy Father to lay down an additonal bonus track for the CD. The Pope's version of Thriller is already a runaway hit in Europe and the video of the College of Cardinal's doing the dance (a la the Filipino prisoners) is a viral sensation and will be featured in the single's music video.

"Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart...... Cause this is thriller, thriller night....."

On A Roll Now, Sarasota Reveals Latest Pillar of Community To Be Exposed As Scam Artiste

The Herald-Tribune has written this expose to shed some light on how one of this city's preeminent young movers and shakers has his New Age investors now moving to recoup their money and the rest of us shaking our collective heads at how unenlightened these enlightened people are. It must be us......

First, Art Nadel, then the Morgans and now the Diamonds, proud papa, 'Fit For Life' Harvey and his 24-kt. son, 'Set For Life' Beau. (My God, just having the name 'Beau' should be enough to make people wary about giving him their money!) There is obviously something in our water supply that not only turns our copper piping into Swiss cheese, but turns seemingly normal people into financial lemmings. And, no, the water doesn't create these high-brow criminals because they deign only to sip bottled water imported at great expense from some small, exclusive spring on the Continent or from specially selected icebergs floating around the Antarctic that have been certified free from penquin poop.

The younger Diamond--or the Diamond in the rough, if you will--explained to willing investors that his uncanny investing success was based on his 'mastery' of the "Four Magic Pillars." I'm hardly New Age; in fact, I'm old enough to remember the last Ice Age, but wouldn't you be just the least bit skeptical of an investment strategy based on "magic", unless you were David Copperfield or the guy who blew himself up in a Clearwater hotel on live television and made a 'miraculous' escape that nobody for one second believed was magical or miraculous.

Part of Diamond's pitch was giving potential investors a gift box containing gems. Diamond? Gems? Oooooh, that's a good one, Beau!

The boxes contained a deep purple amethyst, which, as everyone knows, "stabilizes and balances the aura." I should get one of those deep purple amethysts to keep in my old '97 Toyota pick-up truck so I don't have to take it to Big Tony's Italian Deli and Garage for an alignment and wheel balancing every six months. And, yes, I know every six months seems too often for those services, but, if you skip an appointment, Big Tony sends a couple guys out to find me and then I end up with medical bills in addition to my truck repair bill. And you never get off his mailing list, either.

Diamond's gift package also included an amber-colored citrine to help in "working out problems on both the physical and subtle levels." You mean 'problems' like YOU stealing my money???

But, wait, there's more: act now and he included, not one, but THREE "white clear double terminated quartz crystals," two of which were to be given as "gifts to two people you would like to see have more prosperity in their lives this year," Diamond wrote. You know, if the Sarasota Police Dept. had any class, they would have offered Juan Perez one of these gift boxes to settle any lawsuit claim for getting his ass kicked a couple weeks ago. It would have worked, too; didn't we only spend like 26 bucks in beads and hair care products to buy Manhattan some years back? Given Perez' concussion, he would have thought he just got a million dollars. Which, after the trial, is what he'll probably end up with. His attorney will get the other $37 million.

Sarasota tax attorney and Ashtanga yoga (as opposed to your regular run-of-the-mill yoga) teacher, John McKenney, dropped over 200 grand into this scheme. Makes you wonder about this guy doing your taxes, but, hey, he's a attorney, so he's gotta be, like, a genius or something and strictly on the up and up, right?

Meanwhile, Beau Diamond pooh-poohs the very idea of anything even hinting at a crime being committed here by telling his investors, "funds were not stolen, they were lost and misinvested."
I don't know about you, but I just got the warm and fuzzies from reading that and want to send the guy a check right now, except, that alas, it is an e-x-c-l-u-s-i-v-e club, after all. And I ain't.

The article states that the Diamonds are being investigated by the CFTC (Commodities Future Trading Commission), the FBI and the IRS. I say if they really want their money back from these guys, they should drop by Big Tony's Italian Deli and Garage and ask him to do an 'investigation.' And tell them One-Eyed Dick sent you. Maybe I can finally get off his damn mailing list.

"I can get you your money for nothing and your chicks for free. You have my word on it."