Sunday, August 9, 2009

Joe Jackson Says He Has Seen The Light, Announces Formation of The First Church of Michael Jackson

Father of the late King of Pop, Joe Jackson, scorned by family and fans alike, says son Michael came to him in a vision last night and told him to form the Church of Michael Jackson.

"Now I know a lot of you may be skeptical about this announcement," said the elder Jackson. "And I know I am seen as a huckster, a flim-flammer, someone who exploited his children for his own gain. But, Michael came to me last night in my hotel room in Vegas after I had been out drinking and partying 'til the wee hours of the morning with some young women who were not my wife."

"Michael is not dead. Or, should I say, Michael is no longer dead. You want to know why they haven't buried the body? Because there is no body to bury. Michael, my son, has RISEN FROM THE DEAD! HALLELUJAH!" Jackson exclaimed, raising his arms.

When asked how he felt about the visit, seeing as how his son was dead and all, Jackson said Michael spoke to him, saying, "Be not afraid, Father, for I come to you in peace. Know that it is truly me by the manner of my moonwalk. I am here to command you to go into all the world and preach my gospel."

Gathering his composure, Jackson continued, "Michael came to me because he now realizes that I am the one to spread his word. And because, in death, Michael also realizes that, even though I may have been firm with him and his siblings at times, he now knows that I done right by them, no matter what those ungrateful brats or their mean, spiteful mother says about me."

"Michael tells me that he will be visiting me soon to give me the first chapters in The Book of Michael, which will be available shortly in a handsome leather-bound edition with illustrations and pictures. An audio version featuring Rev. Al Sharpton reading from the Book of Michael will follow, as will a children's version and a pocket version."

"Michael's children are to be a central focus of his new church. They are to be viewed as prophets in his church, as am I. He related to me last night what I had suspected for some time now, that being that all three children--Prince, Paris and Prince Redux--are products of a virgin birth, with Michael being the virgin, in this case. Even though they are definitely his offspring, he did not have carnal knowledge of Ms. Rowe or Prince II's mother, whose name he shall reveal to me in future days. He willed those women to conceive his children. This is to be known henceforth as the First Miracle of Michael. GLORY TO MICHAEL!"

Jackson then paused to reach inside his pinstripe suitcoat and slowly pull out what appeared to be a velvet bag. Gently untying the drawstring, Jackson spoke quietly, "I know there are unbelievers out there among you. And I know that some of you will only be swayed by that which you can see and touch. And I say to you, here is your proof."

At that, with the theatrical flair for which he is famous, Joe Jackson showed to the hushed crowd of usually hard-bitten reporters what is destined to become The Second Miracle of Michael. Speaking with great gravitas, Jackson pronounced, "I must say, that given the circumstances of my previous night's experience, I was somewhat befuddled in the morning. Just then, there was a knock on my hotel door. When I opened the door, room service was there with breakfast. Lifting the cover from the platter, I discovered this piece of toast with Michael's image on it. And I didn't even order room service. PRAISE BE TO MICHAEL, PRAISE BE TO MICHAEL!"

"I am pleased to announce that I have a limited number of replicas of this miracle toast for sale. Michael urges you to buy a large one for your home, a magnetic one for the dashboard of your car and the smaller medallion version to wear around your neck, as I am wearing now."

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