Tuesday, August 11, 2009

With Recent Success of Continental Airlines Holding 47 Passengers on Plane, Obama Administration to Use Surplus Aircraft to House Guantanamo Detainees

Robert Gibbs, President Obama's press secretary, and Janet Napolitano, Secretary of Homeland Defense, announced jointly this morning that a new alternative to incarcerating the 245 suspected terrorists in Guantanamo has been found.

"This is a win-win situation for everyone," said Gibbs. "As shutting down the prison in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, has been a priority for this administration, we are pleased to announce that an agreement has been reached with the nation's major air carriers, several airports and the Dept. of Homeland Security. It is our intent to lease the surplus and outdated aircraft of our country's beleaguered airlines, rent space from several airports around the country who are struggling with decreased traffic revenue and house those prisoners transferred from Guantanamo in these aircraft on isolated sections of tarmacs at the airports."

"It actually all became very clear to us with this latest incident involving Continental Express Flight 2816 that securely held 47 passengers for six hours in Minnesota recently," explained Sec. Napolitano. "If we can detain fare-paying American taxpayers, including small children, for six hours without food or functioning toilet facilities on a regional airplane without an escape, death or wholesale mutiny, we most certainly will be able to secure a bunch of emaciated, dispirited terrorists on old 727s and 747s indefinitely."

One reporter in the audience asked if this arrangement would contradict the Geneva Convention on humane treatment for prisoners-of-war. "I have spoken personally to former Vice-President, Dick Cheney, who assures me that this proposal, while only marginally better than waterboarding, does not constitute a violation of prisoner protocol," said Sec. Napolitano. "And that's good enough for me."

"We will continue to treat the prisoners fairly and humanely in their new accomodations....."

"....but if they give us any guff, we do have certain contingency plans--plans that don't include open doors or emergency chutes......"

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