Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Sarasota Police Chief Abbott Ousted, Costello Named As Replacement

Sarasota Police Chief, Peter Abbott, has resigned from his post as the head of the Sarasota Police Dept. According to City Manager, Robert Bartolotta, it was a mutual decision. And by "mutual decision," Bartolotta means "I fired him because he could not only overcome his own perceived incompetence, but my perceived incompetence, as well."

In a statement to the press, Abbott said Bartolotta told him, "Sometimes life isn't fair. Like now, for instance. Everyone in Sarasota thinks we're a couple of boobs. But because I'm the chief boob around here, you're fired. I'm hoping your replacement will make me look like less of a boob."

It's hard being Number Two, even if you do try harder.......

City Manager Bartolotta held a brief news conference following Abbott's resignation statement to introduce the new chief of police: Lou Costello.

Ironically, Costello had worked with Abbott for many years, until the two decided to go their separate ways in 1957. "Gee, 1957, huh? It's hard to believe it was that long ago," said the 104-year old Costello.

Costello wowed the Sarasota City Commission when introduced to them with his timeless "Who's On First" comedy routine with Bartolotta clearly struggling to fill the role of Costello's former partner, Abbott. Although the City Manager gamely delivered his lines, he was obviously out of his element as he labored with the rapid-fire timing and other comedic nuances of the classic routine. Commissioner for District One, Fredd "Glossie" Atkins, however, was not amused and expressed his disappointment with Costello's brand of humor, stating, "I'm not sure, but that sounded like it might have had certain racial overtones, so I'll be witholding my judgment on the candidate until I get a few questions answered. For example, was the outfielder named 'Tomorrow' a white man or a black man? I figured the first-baseman was Asian because his name was "Hoo," the second-baseman "Watt" could be either, but I'm stumped by "Tomorrow." I ain't never heard of no ballplayer named 'Tomorrow.'"

When asked if he would be asking the former chief for advice about his new position, Costello literally brought down the house when he slipped on a Sarasota Police Dept. cap, picked up a telephone and exclaimed ""HEEEEYYY ABBOTT!!."

The Commissioners and assembled media roared at the famous line and fell into convulsions of laughter, essentially adjourning the meeting. Costello then went over and introduced himself personally to each of the commissioners and posed for photographs with them.

Later, newly-appointed mayor, Kelly Kirschner, privately told friends that he wasn't exactly sure about the new police chief. "I thought they told me they were hiring "Elvis Costello." I wasn't sure what Elvis Costello knew about police work, but I figured it would be really cool having him as police chief, anyway........"

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

City And County Change Mind About Trying To Woo Hollywood To Come To Sarasota; Now "They Can Go To Hell..."

Sarasota City and County Commissions were falling all over themselves recently in an attempt to convince Tinseltown that we were ready for our close-up. They wined and dined Hollywood producers, they promoted the Sarasota Film Festival as a love fest for all things cinema, they thought about giving away the venerable Municipal Auditorium to the Ringling College of Artsy-Fartsy for a buck, to be converted into a sound stage for film makers (at least until the public outcry convinced them that such a move would be political suicide) and have, in general, drooled over the potential windfall that they thought being Hollywood East would bring them.

But no more.

Sarasota has had enough and we are in a snit. And, if anybody knows their "snit," it's Sarasota.

Sarasota was a little miffed that favorite son, Kevin Biegel, co-producer of TV's "Cougartown" did not set the show in Sarasota, but opted, instead, for an unnamed mystery town south of Sarasota. But we contented ourselves just to see the name of our fair city on the hand-drawn map in the opening credits every week.

Last fall, we reveled in the visit by the Travel Channel's "Man Vs. Food" and the glitzy "CSI: Sarasota" intro that played up, albeit briefly, the sun, the sand, the surf that is Sarasota. But, that, too, was tempered by the fact that, instead of focusing on the fine dining and haute cuisine for which the area is famous, the show featured Yoder's Amish Restaurant (OK, it's an institution), the Salty Dog (concentrating on the eatery's famous deep-fried hot dog) and, dear God, help us, the 4:20 Cafe. Located in that hub of culture and cuisine known as Gulf Gate, the 4:20 Cafe is impressively located just up the street from the car wash and nestled steps away from a handful of seedy bars and, of course, the ever-popular Zone d'Erotica.
The specialty of the house at the 4:20 Cafe is an array of gigantic sub sandwiches containing hamburger patties, cheese sticks, chicken nuggets, glops of melted cheese, a heaping serving of cholesterol and early death, gluttony and assorted other deadly sins and anything else they can find lying around in the kitchen that isn't still moving. What an advertisement for Sarasota, the Cultural Capital of Southwest Florida!

The final straw came this past weekend, though, with a skit on Saturday Night Live that featured actress Betty White. Entitled "CSI: Sarasota," it poked fun at our abundance of senior citizens. Who says art doesn't imitate life?

Sarasotans are up in arms over the perceived slight and have now severed all ties with the movement to bring Hollywood to the Suncoast.

Said one spurned commissioner, "First, that fat bastard, Adam Richman, shows up in town to tape a show about some third-rate dive named after an overt drug reference that caters to the drunks of the bar crowd that frequent that cesspool called Gulf Gate and now, that old broad, Betty White, makes fun of the whole town by pointing out that we're old. What do they think, we wouldn't stay up after 8:30 on Saturday night and find out?"

"Well, actually, I didn't see it myself. We came home after our regular early-bird dinner, watched Lawrence Welk in our matching La-Z-Boys and were in bed by 8:15 on Saturday. But my grandson from up north called me on Sunday to tell me about it."

The City of St. Petersburg is said to be currently mulling a lawsuit against Sarasota, claiming infringement on St. Pete's unofficial title of "God's Waiting Room."

Friday, May 7, 2010

SEC Reveals Cause Of Recent Stock Market Plunge

SEC investigators have discovered the reason behind Thursday's stock market plunge of nearly 1000 points:

Said SEC Chief Investigator, Ethel Radzanowski, "When the traders kept pointing to a computer glitch as the problem, we had our IT experts thoroughly check the software, the hardware, ancillary programming, etc., and found nothing. Fortunately, though, one of our IT people remembered an issue a couple months back when he got an panic call from one of our senior attorneys here at the SEC about a computer emergency in his office. IT dispatched their "Delta Team" to the attorney's office, fearing the worst since the Legal Dept. handles many highly sensitive issues for the Commission."

"The attorney was distraught because his computer went dark as he was viewing "Paralegals Gone Wild--The Beltway Edition." He was concerned that his computer might be infected with a virus or that somebody had the nerve to censor his afternoon porn watching. The attorney told the IT team that if they couldn't rectify the problem right away, he was going directly to his superior's office. He knew his boss was watching the same movie."

"Fortunately, one of the IT team leaders noted "an interface disconnect between the computer hardware and the office power source," plugged the cord back into the electrical outlet and the attorney was able to resume his normal daily routine of watching pornography."

Investigators have determined that stockbroker, Lumley J. Branwell, had taken a short cut behind a bank of computers that serve as the nerve center for the NYSE on his way to lunch and tripped over the cord, pulling it loose from the outlet. Not wishing to be late for lunch, he continued on his way without plugging it back in or telling anyone about his mishap, sending the Dow into its preciptious decline, threatening the global economy and bringing the world to the brink of madness and chaos.

Branwell later apologized to all those investors who lost money and the families of several traders who, upon seeing the collapse of stock prices, chose to end their lives, but he pointed out, however, that the "cord should have had duct tape or something over it, since I could have been killed, tripping over that damn cord."

OSHA is now investigating.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Police Say Officer Followed Protocol After Taser Victim Bursts Into Flame

The Philadelphia Police Dept. intend to review their policy concerning the apprehension of unruly fans who, seeking their 15 minutes of fame, crash the playing field of professional sporting events in the city. This action follows an incident at Citizens Bank Park earlier this week when 17-year old Steve Consalvi, pictured here, leapt from the stands and onto the field during a Phillies game.

He successfully eluded capture for several minutes until being felled by a city policeman using a Taser. The youngster immediately dropped to the turf after the Taser strike, allowing stadium security guards to restrain him.

To the horror of an announced paid attendance of 17, 460 fans that night, young Consalvi, without warning, burst into flames. The security guards jumped away in panic as the victim thrashed about in short right-center field, leaving a trail of blackened grass as he writhed in agony before finally--mercifully--succumbing to his injuries. His blackened corpse smoldered for several minutes before stadium personnel hosed him down with a fire extinguisher and covered him with an official Major League Baseball authorized-logo blanket ($29.95 plus tax, at local sporting goods outlets and

Grounds crew workers used shovels and a whisk broom to pick up the cindery remains of Consalvi and placed him aboard the golf cart in which the Phillies bring in their relief pitchers. Phillies fans cheered in appreciation of the effort by the young southpaw to elude capture, showing explosive quickness and a natural ability to hit the open holes. Remarked one sportswriter who witnessed the tragedy, "It's too bad they turned this kid into toast. He reminds me a little of a young LeSean McCoy (rookie running back for the Philadelphia Eagles.) I think the kid could have had a future--gone in the second or third round of the draft, maybe."

Police officials deny the use of excessive force in the incident, saying, "What we did to that kid was nothing compared to what the Philadelphia fans would have done to him if he would have gotten back into the stands. I mean, this is Philadelphia--we throw ice balls at Santa Claus, for crying out loud...."

Police did allow that they would explore the possibility of re-calibrating their Tasers, perhaps "dialing it down a notch or two" to just microwave the alleged perpetrator's internal organs without actually igniting the entire body.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

FLA State Senator Shown Researching Porn For Upcoming Vote--Except There Ain't No Upcoming Vote About Porn

Bradentucky's own pillar of Republican family values, developer and, more or less as a sideline, state senator, Mike Bennett, was caught looking at nekkid wimmen on the floor of the Florida Senate on his state-owned laptop. Fortunately, nothing much was happening in the legislative chamber at the time--just the open debate on a pending controversial abortion bill. Yawn.......

Bennett, ever the politician (when he's not a developer) proclaimed his innocence by explaining, "I was just sitting there, bored, as they were debating the abortion bill." Blah, blah, blah, abortion, blah, blah, women's rights, blah, blah.... Hopefully, doing the people's business in the Florida Senate for which he was elected and for which he is being paid with taxpayer money gets a little more lively in the future, so as to keep Sen. Bennett's attention.

Perhaps, if the legislators wore bikinis--------no, God, no; forget that!!! Ewwww, ewwww, ewwwwwwww!

Reading the comments accompanying the story in The Sunshine News, a business/political newspaper, it's readily apparent that it is a left-wing commie socialist rag that has no business besmirching the stellar reputation of a true statesman like Sen. Bennett. Commenters debate the definition of porn, how long he actually looked at it, whether it was intentional and the relief that "at least, it wasn't kiddie porn." Whew........ I know I feel better now.

Bennett claims it was an email from a woman "who happens to be a former court administrator." As opposed to being an email sent by a guy with slick-backed hair and a pencil mustache named Vinnie The Weasel, who runs one of the seedy strip clubs on Rt. 41 south of Bradenton. Although, that would make him a constituent of the Senator, so there'd be that angle, at least.

No word on whether the "former court administrator" now works as an attorney for the SEC.

Senate spokesflak, Jaryn Emhof, offered the perfectly logical defense of Bennett, saying, "There was some confusion about an email he received. He thought it was an email about an item being debated on the Senate floor. As soon as he realized it wasn't he closed the page."

Hold on----I'm trying to make a reasonable connection between a picture of four bikini-clad women and the debate on abortion.

Still thinking..........

I'm having better luck with the other video Bennett is seen viewing, obviously an attempt to keep his razor-sharp mind in hyper-overdrive to weigh in on the gravely-important legislative proceedings of the highly-respected Florida Senate.

The dog on the beach.

Bennett will, no doubt, introduce legislation to import specially-bred dogs from Lithuania that have the ability to lap up crude oil and then pee it back into 55-gallon drums, fully refined and ready for use as high-quality jet fuel. Those mutts will come in mighty handy when that slick from BP's Deepwater ClusterFuck or whatever they called that exploding rig out in the Gulf, currently spewing barrels upon barrels of crude daily into our offshore waters, reaches the beaches of Anna Maria, Bradenton Beach and other areas of Sen. Bennett's district.

I wonder if the four bikini babes could be Lithuanian???