Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Police Say Officer Followed Protocol After Taser Victim Bursts Into Flame

The Philadelphia Police Dept. intend to review their policy concerning the apprehension of unruly fans who, seeking their 15 minutes of fame, crash the playing field of professional sporting events in the city. This action follows an incident at Citizens Bank Park earlier this week when 17-year old Steve Consalvi, pictured here, leapt from the stands and onto the field during a Phillies game.

He successfully eluded capture for several minutes until being felled by a city policeman using a Taser. The youngster immediately dropped to the turf after the Taser strike, allowing stadium security guards to restrain him.

To the horror of an announced paid attendance of 17, 460 fans that night, young Consalvi, without warning, burst into flames. The security guards jumped away in panic as the victim thrashed about in short right-center field, leaving a trail of blackened grass as he writhed in agony before finally--mercifully--succumbing to his injuries. His blackened corpse smoldered for several minutes before stadium personnel hosed him down with a fire extinguisher and covered him with an official Major League Baseball authorized-logo blanket ($29.95 plus tax, at local sporting goods outlets and

Grounds crew workers used shovels and a whisk broom to pick up the cindery remains of Consalvi and placed him aboard the golf cart in which the Phillies bring in their relief pitchers. Phillies fans cheered in appreciation of the effort by the young southpaw to elude capture, showing explosive quickness and a natural ability to hit the open holes. Remarked one sportswriter who witnessed the tragedy, "It's too bad they turned this kid into toast. He reminds me a little of a young LeSean McCoy (rookie running back for the Philadelphia Eagles.) I think the kid could have had a future--gone in the second or third round of the draft, maybe."

Police officials deny the use of excessive force in the incident, saying, "What we did to that kid was nothing compared to what the Philadelphia fans would have done to him if he would have gotten back into the stands. I mean, this is Philadelphia--we throw ice balls at Santa Claus, for crying out loud...."

Police did allow that they would explore the possibility of re-calibrating their Tasers, perhaps "dialing it down a notch or two" to just microwave the alleged perpetrator's internal organs without actually igniting the entire body.

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