Friday, May 7, 2010

SEC Reveals Cause Of Recent Stock Market Plunge

SEC investigators have discovered the reason behind Thursday's stock market plunge of nearly 1000 points:

Said SEC Chief Investigator, Ethel Radzanowski, "When the traders kept pointing to a computer glitch as the problem, we had our IT experts thoroughly check the software, the hardware, ancillary programming, etc., and found nothing. Fortunately, though, one of our IT people remembered an issue a couple months back when he got an panic call from one of our senior attorneys here at the SEC about a computer emergency in his office. IT dispatched their "Delta Team" to the attorney's office, fearing the worst since the Legal Dept. handles many highly sensitive issues for the Commission."

"The attorney was distraught because his computer went dark as he was viewing "Paralegals Gone Wild--The Beltway Edition." He was concerned that his computer might be infected with a virus or that somebody had the nerve to censor his afternoon porn watching. The attorney told the IT team that if they couldn't rectify the problem right away, he was going directly to his superior's office. He knew his boss was watching the same movie."

"Fortunately, one of the IT team leaders noted "an interface disconnect between the computer hardware and the office power source," plugged the cord back into the electrical outlet and the attorney was able to resume his normal daily routine of watching pornography."

Investigators have determined that stockbroker, Lumley J. Branwell, had taken a short cut behind a bank of computers that serve as the nerve center for the NYSE on his way to lunch and tripped over the cord, pulling it loose from the outlet. Not wishing to be late for lunch, he continued on his way without plugging it back in or telling anyone about his mishap, sending the Dow into its preciptious decline, threatening the global economy and bringing the world to the brink of madness and chaos.

Branwell later apologized to all those investors who lost money and the families of several traders who, upon seeing the collapse of stock prices, chose to end their lives, but he pointed out, however, that the "cord should have had duct tape or something over it, since I could have been killed, tripping over that damn cord."

OSHA is now investigating.

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