Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Sarasota Police Chief Abbott Ousted, Costello Named As Replacement

Sarasota Police Chief, Peter Abbott, has resigned from his post as the head of the Sarasota Police Dept. According to City Manager, Robert Bartolotta, it was a mutual decision. And by "mutual decision," Bartolotta means "I fired him because he could not only overcome his own perceived incompetence, but my perceived incompetence, as well."

In a statement to the press, Abbott said Bartolotta told him, "Sometimes life isn't fair. Like now, for instance. Everyone in Sarasota thinks we're a couple of boobs. But because I'm the chief boob around here, you're fired. I'm hoping your replacement will make me look like less of a boob."

It's hard being Number Two, even if you do try harder.......

City Manager Bartolotta held a brief news conference following Abbott's resignation statement to introduce the new chief of police: Lou Costello.

Ironically, Costello had worked with Abbott for many years, until the two decided to go their separate ways in 1957. "Gee, 1957, huh? It's hard to believe it was that long ago," said the 104-year old Costello.

Costello wowed the Sarasota City Commission when introduced to them with his timeless "Who's On First" comedy routine with Bartolotta clearly struggling to fill the role of Costello's former partner, Abbott. Although the City Manager gamely delivered his lines, he was obviously out of his element as he labored with the rapid-fire timing and other comedic nuances of the classic routine. Commissioner for District One, Fredd "Glossie" Atkins, however, was not amused and expressed his disappointment with Costello's brand of humor, stating, "I'm not sure, but that sounded like it might have had certain racial overtones, so I'll be witholding my judgment on the candidate until I get a few questions answered. For example, was the outfielder named 'Tomorrow' a white man or a black man? I figured the first-baseman was Asian because his name was "Hoo," the second-baseman "Watt" could be either, but I'm stumped by "Tomorrow." I ain't never heard of no ballplayer named 'Tomorrow.'"

When asked if he would be asking the former chief for advice about his new position, Costello literally brought down the house when he slipped on a Sarasota Police Dept. cap, picked up a telephone and exclaimed ""HEEEEYYY ABBOTT!!."

The Commissioners and assembled media roared at the famous line and fell into convulsions of laughter, essentially adjourning the meeting. Costello then went over and introduced himself personally to each of the commissioners and posed for photographs with them.

Later, newly-appointed mayor, Kelly Kirschner, privately told friends that he wasn't exactly sure about the new police chief. "I thought they told me they were hiring "Elvis Costello." I wasn't sure what Elvis Costello knew about police work, but I figured it would be really cool having him as police chief, anyway........"

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