Sunday, August 22, 2010

France Deports Gypsies, Gypsies Respond With Curse, France Surrenders. Again.

The government of France has begun deporting Gypsies back to their native Romania, a move that the American Tea Party ironically hailed as "a bold move by our brave French allies, from which the spineless leaders of our once great country could learn a thing or two."

In retaliation, the Gypsies have instated a curse--or nenorocire--destined to reign calamity and damnation upon the French people for 100 years, with a margin of error of 3 years, plus or minus.

The main tenets of the curse are:

1)  French men will be condemned to have gigantic noses:

2)  French women will be condemned to have hairy armpits:

3)  The French people will be condemned to eat snails:

Immediately upon learning that the Gypsies placed a curse upon them, French president, Nicolas Sarkozy and the French National Assembly dispatched Col. Rochefort Brive-la-Gaillarde to a small hamlet near Marseille, where the last remaining band of Gypsies had been awaiting transport out of the country.  Col. Brive-la-Gaillarde, Chief Minister of Surrender, met with the leader of the ten or so Gypsies left, one Madame LaZonga, and offered her the ceremonial Le Sabrer de Defaite, the Sword of Surrender, used at every French surrender since the mid-1700s.

In a local twist, when informed that the French had acquiesed to a ragtag band of Gypsies, local Tea Party activist and vehement School Board critic, Rich Swier, who had most recently led a scorched-earth campaign to get a textbook that he deemed too pro-Islam, too pro-evolution and too pro-facts tossed from the curriculm, demanded that the French language program at Sarasota's Riverview High School be dropped. 

"It's the language of cowards and quitters," said Swier, "and we don't need to be learning our kids how to talk that gobbledygook anyhoo."

To which Caroline Zucker, President of the School Board, replied, "I give up.........."

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Woman Identified In Background Of Iconic VJ Day Photo Demands Her Own Statue Next To Sarasota's "Unconditional Surrender"

Apparently, those prescient Sarasotans who opposed the permanent placement of Seward Johnson's statue, Unconditional Surrender, because of fears that the photographer's estate or Life Magazine, original publisher of the famous photograph, would sue the city for copyright infringement has merit.  It was learned today that the City of Sarasota was being sued by Gloria Bullard, 84, of Belen-Chapur, South Carolina, to get a statue of herself erected on the bayfront next to the Sailor and the Nurse.

"I was in that goddam picture, too, ya know," she said, her raspy voice cracking like old, dry leather as she took a long drag from her Lucky Strike.  "Some guy took my picture and sold it to a magazine and made a lot of money.  Then, some numbnuts makes a statue of the picture and he makes a lot of money.  Seems to me like old Gloria's the only one not making any money off this thing.  And that's a load of crap, if you ask me......"

Person identified as Gloria Bullard is circled at far left of picture.

Lighting another Lucky off the glowing end of her previous cigarette, Ms. Bullard continued, "It doesn't have to be anything fancy--after all, I wasn't the main subject of the photo.  I could have been if I could have gotten to that sailor before old Edith "Sweet Lips" Shain pounced on him first.  That poor bastard never had a chance."

"You know, there's been about a dozen different guys who claim that they were the sailor kissing Edith in that photo.  I don't know which one is in the picture because that the little tramp kissed every guy that passed through Times Square that day--Army, Navy, Marine, our side, their side; it didn't matter to old "Sweet Lips."

"Now, I'm thinking my statue should be over by that restaurant, Marina Jack's.  Maybe kinda leaning against the building, like this," she said, striking a pose against her walker.  "And I want it to be accurate, too.  You know, anatomically correct.  So, if you're sittin' there at the bar and you look up, you'll look right up my skirt and get an eyeful, 'cause back in the day, I didn't wear no underwear.  Actually, I still don't.  Check out this action, young fella....."


Saturday, August 14, 2010

Motorists Having A "Little Trouble" Navigating New Downtown Sarasota Roundabout, Fatalities Expected To Decrease In Coming Months

Proponents of the newly-opened traffic roundabout at Five Points in downtown Sarasota acknowledge a few speed bumps with the flow of cars and say that they expected a learning curve for drivers to adjust to the new traffic pattern.  Chief traffic engineer for the city and owner of Five Points Collision and Body Shop, Sonny "Dents" Soran, predicts that the number of fatal accidents should subside in the coming months as drivers become aware of the particular nuances of negotiating their way around the roundabout.  At least until season begins, then the numbers should skyrocket again with the influx of snowbirds and tourists coming to town. 

"Oh, make no mistake:  for those first couple months of snowbird season, it'll be a real bloodbath out there," says Soran.  But our primary directive was to reduce congestion on downtown streets and get the cars into the city-owned garages and parking lots as soon as soon as possible--no more endlessly driving around in circles, looking for that elusive free parking space.  We think we've accomplished that by making everyone scared to drive downtown at all.  They turn off Rt. 41 and pull right into the closest lot they can find.  Personally, if it was me, I'd just skip downtown altogether and go across the highway to my brother's place, Marina Jack's."

"We consider the recent traffic deaths in the opening days of the roundabout to be acceptable losses and are confident that we will eventually see a decline in those numbers.  Now, remember, that not all of those fatalities are motorists.  Five Points Park was notorious for being a hangout for Sarasota's homeless population, so there's a helluva lot of bums in the numbers quoted, as well, which was a benefit we hadn't considered when designing the roundabout, so that's a bonus...."

City Manager, Bob Bartolotta, also expressed guarded optimism for the new roundabout.  "We think it's going to become a focal point of the City of Sarasota, much like my friend and longtime political benefactor, Bob Soran's Marina Jack's, is on the bayfront.  I think it was well worth the taxpayer's $78 million investment and the 28 downtown businesses that went bankrupt during the 19-months of construction which shut down Sarasota's Main Street to bring this project to fruition."

"I also think that it's now going to be easier to get taxpayer funding to shut down Main Street again in December to build that ice-skating rink here.  Just think of the lives of all those motorists it'll save...."

"Now, if we can just get the taxpayers to give us another $13 million to landscape it......"

Friday, August 13, 2010

Colony Resort On Longboat To Become Yoder's Amish Trailer Park

The venerable Colony Beach and Tennis Resort is to close its doors this weekend, as announced at a tearful news conference by the long-time owners and Sarasota society fixtures, Murray "Murf" Klauber and his daughter, Katherine Klauber Moulton.  They recounted stories of celebrity guests and good times at the famous Gulfside resort for the gathered throng of reporters, until they were unceremoniously hustled from the hotel's ballroom by the new owners, the Yoder family of Sarasota.

"Shoosh, now.  You've gone on long enough.  Time to go, you should.  There is much to be done," said Grandma Yoder, matriarch of the clan

A local Amish family with several eateries specializing in home-made comfort food, the Yoders look to take the resort in a decidedly different direction by catering to the Amish and Mennonite families, both those that flock here every winter and those who live here full-time.

Spokesman for the family, Philander Yoder, described the family's plan for the beach resort.  "As our target demographic will be the so-called "plain people," we intend to demolish the hotel, the out buildings and all the pavement and landscaping and put in individual trailers on a nice gravel lane, just like we're used to, so as not to draw attention to ourselves."

"We also plan to remove the first 9 holes of the golf course and plant vegetables; the back 9 we'll use to graze the livestock, saving just enough room for a couple horseshoe pits and, of course, shuffleboard."

"We plan our hiring a full staff comprised of our family and extended family members to run the resort, from the cooking and cleaning to the beach staff."

'Even the lifeguards will be Yoders."

"We envision a place where members of our community can come to relax and just be themselves.  To let their bonnets down, so to speak, without outsiders gawking at us or flaunting an excess of skin around our young ones."

"A safe place where they can stroll the beach and not be accosted by the evils of the outside world, like Speedos on men and string bikinis on the girls.  Or is it the other way around????"

"Some place you can bring your mama, even if she's Old Order Amish, and not have her faint at the sight of flesh."

"We'll have parking for about 700 bicycles, as well as about a hundred horse and buggies, with a full livery service, of course.  We don't expect any issues with zoning or compliance, considering that, without electricity, the resort will pretty much shut down.  Until dawn, when our roosters start crowing....."

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Author Anne Rice Leaves Christianity; Christianity Says "Good Riddance!"

Anne Rice recently released a statement declaring that she was "leaving Christianity," due to the predominantly anti-gay bias of the Roman Catholic Church.

Speaking on behalf of the Church, the much-beloved retired Cardinal, his Most Holiness,  the Rev. Stanley Musial, issued the following statement from the Vatican:

My dearest child of God, Ms. Rice,

Please don't let the golden gates of Heaven eternal hit you in your big, fat ass on the way out!

Leaving Christianity--indeed!  Madam, I assure you that Christianity left you a looooong time ago.  It takes a lot of nerve for someone who foisted the homo vampire craze upon an unsuspecting world, with your effeminate characters of Lestat and company, to "leave" Christianity.  Who else would have turned Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt into gay vampires but you?  (And, we're also kinda holding you personally responsible for this new gayish Twilight thing that's mesmerizing the globe, too.)

We, as the Church, didn't have a problem when Bela Lugosi ruled the netherworld.  He scared the bejesus out of many a tortured soul in a darkened theater back in the day and sent them running to Mass as soon as the doors opened in the morning after spending a sleepless night with all the lights on in the house.  We considered Count Dracula a tool by which we could gain new converts and reclaim backsliding parishoners.

Then, you start this namby-pamby, limp-wristed vampire series and nobody gets scared anymore.  Now, even pre-pubescent 11-year olds want to be vampires, parading around in their "Team William" shirts that their own mothers bought them to wear to the midnight showings of the Twilight movies.  Midnight on a school night, we might add.....

We tried overlooking all your sins since we know your real name is Howard Allen O'Brien.  With a moniker like that, any little girl could have turned out the way you did.  But, when you decided to go public with your "leaving Christianity" pronouncement, that was the final straw.

Enclosed in this epistle, please find a limited-edition vampire-killing stake made from the finest sycamore trees in the Holy Land and autographed by Pope Benedict XIV.  With a hand-wrapped grip of Jordan River sisal twine and 'sweet spot' insignia of genuine 14k gold crucifix, mounted on a handsome hand-tooled pine plaque, stained to look like much-more expensive mahogany, this stake is guaranteed to be a valuable addition to your collection of religious icons.  We're so sure you're going to cherish this beautiful instrument of death and torture, that we're sending it to you to examine in the convenience of your own home for a trial period of 40 days and 40 nights, all at NO COST to you.  Your estate will be billed later.

Please use it on yourself at your earliest convenience.

Your most humble servant,

His Excellency Most High Reverend Eminence of the Holy See,

Fr. Stanley Musial (Ret.)

PS  Don't forget parish bingo Friday night.  Super coverall jackpot and 50-cent hot dogs!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


North Port officials are bracing for an influx of speculators, wildcatters, roughnecks, flim-flam men, swindlers, con artists and, of course, hookers.  And, no, it's not a Sarasota County Republican fundraiser.

Oil--black gold--Texas tea--has been discovered in North Port!

No longer will the term "North Port crude" refer to the high school cheerleaders, but, instead, to the liquid cash that lies beneath the overgrown, weed-infested vacant lots, foreclosed homes, failed subdivisions and trash heaps of broken dreams that make up the City of North Port.  Said one North Port commissioner, "Bring it on!  We lived through one reckless, hell-for-leather boom with the housing bubble and that didn't end so badly, did it?"

Reporters gathered outside the double-wide trailer of North Port resident, Jason Clampett, to learn details of exactly how he discovered oil on his property.  Sporting a wide-brimmed hat, plaid work shirt and an unmistakeable Ozark twang in his voice, Mr. Clampett entertained his audience with his homespun wit.

"Well, it sure is the dangedst thing you ever did see," he told the score or so of breathless reporters, some of whom were jockeying for a better view of Clampett by standing atop a rusting '77 Oldsmobile perched on cinder blocks in the driveway.  "I was pounding a piece of electrical conduit into the ground so's the missus could use it fer a clothesline since our electric got shut off last week and, all of a sudden, that pipe shot up out of the ground like something was a-chasin' it.  Then, this black goo started oozing up outta the hole."

"I knowed right off it was oil 'cause I used to do my own mechanical work on old Betsy over there.  That's my Oldsmobile, by the way, not the missus, if yer wonderin'.  So, boys, I'm gonna be rich.  This here fella offered me $50 million fer my lot and trailer. Cash money.  So, I'm moving to Californey to help out my Uncle Jed."

"Crazy as it is, he found oil, too, back in the '60s on his place down there in the Ozarks.  Moved into a real big place out there in Beverly Hills. He's fell on some hard times, though.  Some banker named Drysdale took him for just about all he was worth, Granny got drunk one night and drowned in the cement pond, Jethro knocked up some woman named Jane, then took off for parts unknown and ain't been seen since and cousin Elly Mae married some record producer who got her so strung out on cocaine that she's been in and out of rehab for the last 15 years."

Experts have determined that things might not be so rosy for Mr. Clampett after all, since the oil found on his property is a result of a pressure back up from capping the Deepwater Horizon well off the Louisiana coast.  Stopping the flow at the wellhead caused the oil to flow through crevices in the bedrock and then, apparently, surface in North Port.  That being the case, the oil belongs to BP, not Mr. Clampett and renders his deal with the speculator who offered him upwards of $50 million for his property null and void.

Also, the City of North Port has filed a code violation against Mr. Clampett for installing a clothesline within city limits without the necessary $286 permit, with the amount accruing daily until the fine, penalty, interest, legal fees, court costs and North Port excise taxes are paid in full.

Said Mr. Clampett upon hearing the news, "Wheee, doggies......."

Monday, August 2, 2010

Sarasota Tea Party Upset That Obama Is Not Coming To Suncoast; Plans To Protest Visit Foiled

Sarasota's very own boiling pot of the Tea Party movement is loudly complaining that Pres. Obama will not be coming to the Suncoast for his 2-day Gulfcoast promotional event, instead going to the Panhandle beaches where oil actually made landfall.

Leading the vitriolic charge was a new face in the mix of wild-eyed seniors, gun-toting hawks and every other Sarasota eccentric who is only about one Prozac away from driving their Lexus into a crowd of suspected liberals, which comprises the local chapter of the Tea Party Patriots is noted Sarasota blogger, bon vivant, and former voice of reason, MC Coolidge.  Her recent blog posting outlines her ignominious descent into a tri-cornered-hat-wearing seething cauldron of contempt, bitterness and malicious viciousness, even going so far as to rename her cats "Concord", "Bunker Hill" and "Lexington."

"My given name is Mary-Catherine Coolidge, but from this day hence, I shall be known as Mary-Calvin Coolidge, reflecting my heritage as a descendant of our 30th president, who was known for his strike-breaking, union busting, immigration-restricting, income-tax reducing, Communist-hating, regulation-ending, pro-business policies.  Silent Cal put the "roar" into the "Roaring Twenties," just like George Bush did in the boom years of the mid-2000s.  Blame the Depression on Hoover and the Recesssion on Obama."

"We wanted that little weasel, Obama, to come to the Suncoast so we could criticize his coming to the Suncoast!" she explained in the rhetoric on which the Tea Party thrives.  "We wanted him to bring his family here on vacation so we could lambaste him for taking a vacation.  We were counting on him spending a few idyllic days here promoting the beaches and amenities of our beautiful hometown so we could rip into him for coming here for a photo op."

When it was pointed out that she had just twisted all logic into a pretzel and then broken it into pieces, she relied on that tried and true Tea Party argument:  repeat the same thing again, only LOUDER!!!