Anne Rice recently released a statement declaring that she was "leaving Christianity," due to the predominantly anti-gay bias of the Roman Catholic Church.
Speaking on behalf of the Church, the much-beloved retired Cardinal, his Most Holiness, the Rev. Stanley Musial, issued the following statement from the Vatican:
My dearest child of God, Ms. Rice,
Please don't let the golden gates of Heaven eternal hit you in your big, fat ass on the way out!
Leaving Christianity--indeed! Madam, I assure you that Christianity left you a looooong time ago. It takes a lot of nerve for someone who foisted the homo vampire craze upon an unsuspecting world, with your effeminate characters of Lestat and company, to "leave" Christianity. Who else would have turned Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt into gay vampires but you? (And, we're also kinda holding you personally responsible for this new gayish Twilight thing that's mesmerizing the globe, too.)
We, as the Church, didn't have a problem when Bela Lugosi ruled the netherworld. He scared the bejesus out of many a tortured soul in a darkened theater back in the day and sent them running to Mass as soon as the doors opened in the morning after spending a sleepless night with all the lights on in the house. We considered Count Dracula a tool by which we could gain new converts and reclaim backsliding parishoners.
Then, you start this namby-pamby, limp-wristed vampire series and nobody gets scared anymore. Now, even pre-pubescent 11-year olds want to be vampires, parading around in their "Team William" shirts that their own mothers bought them to wear to the midnight showings of the Twilight movies. Midnight on a school night, we might add.....
We tried overlooking all your sins since we know your real name is Howard Allen O'Brien. With a moniker like that, any little girl could have turned out the way you did. But, when you decided to go public with your "leaving Christianity" pronouncement, that was the final straw.
Enclosed in this epistle, please find a limited-edition vampire-killing stake made from the finest sycamore trees in the Holy Land and autographed by Pope Benedict XIV. With a hand-wrapped grip of Jordan River sisal twine and 'sweet spot' insignia of genuine 14k gold crucifix, mounted on a handsome hand-tooled pine plaque, stained to look like much-more expensive mahogany, this stake is guaranteed to be a valuable addition to your collection of religious icons. We're so sure you're going to cherish this beautiful instrument of death and torture, that we're sending it to you to examine in the convenience of your own home for a trial period of 40 days and 40 nights, all at NO COST to you. Your estate will be billed later.
Please use it on yourself at your earliest convenience.
Your most humble servant,
His Excellency Most High Reverend Eminence of the Holy See,
Fr. Stanley Musial (Ret.)
PS Don't forget parish bingo Friday night. Super coverall jackpot and 50-cent hot dogs!