Tuesday, August 3, 2010


North Port officials are bracing for an influx of speculators, wildcatters, roughnecks, flim-flam men, swindlers, con artists and, of course, hookers.  And, no, it's not a Sarasota County Republican fundraiser.

Oil--black gold--Texas tea--has been discovered in North Port!

No longer will the term "North Port crude" refer to the high school cheerleaders, but, instead, to the liquid cash that lies beneath the overgrown, weed-infested vacant lots, foreclosed homes, failed subdivisions and trash heaps of broken dreams that make up the City of North Port.  Said one North Port commissioner, "Bring it on!  We lived through one reckless, hell-for-leather boom with the housing bubble and that didn't end so badly, did it?"

Reporters gathered outside the double-wide trailer of North Port resident, Jason Clampett, to learn details of exactly how he discovered oil on his property.  Sporting a wide-brimmed hat, plaid work shirt and an unmistakeable Ozark twang in his voice, Mr. Clampett entertained his audience with his homespun wit.

"Well, it sure is the dangedst thing you ever did see," he told the score or so of breathless reporters, some of whom were jockeying for a better view of Clampett by standing atop a rusting '77 Oldsmobile perched on cinder blocks in the driveway.  "I was pounding a piece of electrical conduit into the ground so's the missus could use it fer a clothesline since our electric got shut off last week and, all of a sudden, that pipe shot up out of the ground like something was a-chasin' it.  Then, this black goo started oozing up outta the hole."

"I knowed right off it was oil 'cause I used to do my own mechanical work on old Betsy over there.  That's my Oldsmobile, by the way, not the missus, if yer wonderin'.  So, boys, I'm gonna be rich.  This here fella offered me $50 million fer my lot and trailer. Cash money.  So, I'm moving to Californey to help out my Uncle Jed."

"Crazy as it is, he found oil, too, back in the '60s on his place down there in the Ozarks.  Moved into a real big place out there in Beverly Hills. He's fell on some hard times, though.  Some banker named Drysdale took him for just about all he was worth, Granny got drunk one night and drowned in the cement pond, Jethro knocked up some woman named Jane, then took off for parts unknown and ain't been seen since and cousin Elly Mae married some record producer who got her so strung out on cocaine that she's been in and out of rehab for the last 15 years."

Experts have determined that things might not be so rosy for Mr. Clampett after all, since the oil found on his property is a result of a pressure back up from capping the Deepwater Horizon well off the Louisiana coast.  Stopping the flow at the wellhead caused the oil to flow through crevices in the bedrock and then, apparently, surface in North Port.  That being the case, the oil belongs to BP, not Mr. Clampett and renders his deal with the speculator who offered him upwards of $50 million for his property null and void.

Also, the City of North Port has filed a code violation against Mr. Clampett for installing a clothesline within city limits without the necessary $286 permit, with the amount accruing daily until the fine, penalty, interest, legal fees, court costs and North Port excise taxes are paid in full.

Said Mr. Clampett upon hearing the news, "Wheee, doggies......."

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