Thursday, July 29, 2010

Bear Sentenced To Death In Campsite Attack, Demands Legal Representation

The female grizzly bear believed to be responsible for the horrorific Yellowstone campground attack that left one camper dead and two injured was captured by wildlife officials and is slated for summary execution.  The bear and her three cubs stand accused of the rampage, which authorities say was unprovoked and unprecedented in the annals of the US Park Service.

Neighbors of the bear, however, paint a different picture of the bruin in question.  Said one anonymous deer, "She's lived here in the Soda Butte neighborhood for some time now and, as far as I know, no one's ever had a problem with her.  The cubs are a different story, though.  They're young, they're rambunctious, they're bears."

"About a year ago, those three brats got into an altercation with one of my fawns.  Well, the poor thing has asthma and starts wheezing when she gets excited and the cubs started making fun of her.  I called the Park Ranger and we went right over to her den and got the situation straightened out right away.  Mrs. Bear couldn't have been more understanding and cordial.  I just don't think she's capable of something like this."

Said Thom Turkee, another neighbor, "She struck me as a good mother to those cubs.  Doesn't have a mean bone in her body.  Raised those cubs right, too; always fed 'em roots, berries, nuts and the like.  I don't ever recall seeing her even catching fish to eat.  Just a nice lady.  For a bear, I mean."

"You know, we've all complained to park management about that Soda Butte campground before.  It was only a matter of time before somebody got hurt.  The noise at all hours of the night, the litter left strewn around, the drinking, the music.  How'd you like it if drunks peed in your yard all the time?  Those damn humans are about as bad as those bison they let back in the park a couple years ago.  I think we'd be better off if we herded em' all--humans and buffalo--over top of Old Faithful and let 'er rip.  Fricassee 'em, I say....."

Noted Sarasota defense attorney, former public defender Adam Tebrugge, was in Cooke City, Montana, to represent the bear family, where the accused bear and two of her cubs are being held in custody.  A third cub is still at large, but authorities are confident that the young suspect will be captured shortly.

"I think it's appalling," said Tebrugge, "that this bear and the two juveniles are being held without bond in this case, especially after the woman injured in the attack, Deb Freele of Ontario, was unable to positively identify her in a police line-up late yesterday; not surprisingly, though, given that the attack happened around 2:00 AM in the middle of the woods."

Wildlife officials were quick to point out that tent or sleeping bag fibers were in the captured bears' droppings, and that a tooth fragment found in a tent appears to match a chipped tooth on the sow.

"My client can produce dental records showing that she chipped that fang back in 2006.  And finding sleeping bag fibers in her excrement is not surprising considering what a harsh winter it has been.  Bears are omnivores of convenience--if there's a sleeping bag lying around and they're hungry, they'll eat it.  That hardly constitutes a crime, even in my hometown of Sarasota, where just about everything's a crime."

"Just look at this face," he implored reporters, while standing next to the 275-lb. bear.  "I ask you, does this look like the face of a killer?"

Mr. Tebrugge is survived by his wife and a thriving law practice in Sarasota, FL.  Funeral arrangements are incomplete, pending the recovery of more pieces of the deceased.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Local Pelicans Protest Relocation of Louisiana Pelicans To Suncoast

A group of local pelicans are going to Federal court in an effort to halt the relocation of Louisiana birds who were rescued from the Gulf oil spill. Wildlife officials have found scores of distressed pelicans mired in muck and oil, took them to rehab centers where they were cleaned and nursed back to health, then transported here to the Pinellas County region to optimize their chances of survival.

One group, the Tea Party Pelicans, is suing to prevent the government's ongoing resettlement program.  "Look," said spokespelican Rich PeliSwier, "we're as sensitive to the carnage of our own species as the next bird, but you just can't bring all these outsiders in here.  We moved down here years ago from up north and spent years lining our nests.  The Federal government has no business forcing us to take in these "pelicaliens." 

"We don't want to share our best fishing spots.  And we're sure as hell not going to surrender our prime spots on the local piers where we've spent years cultivating relationships with the fishermen there who regularly feed us.  No way!"

"If God didn't want our Louisiana cousins to die a slow and horrible death suffocated and poisoned by black gold, then He wouldn't have hatched them in Louisiana, now would He?"

National Tea Party celebrican, Sarah Palican, spoke out in support of the pending lawsuit.  "This is just another liberal Obama program foisted upon the American pelican population.  Instead of waiting for the government to wash them off and save their lives, they should have shown some good old American initiative and had enough sense not to get in the oil.  But--no--here we go again, bailing out the lazies while the rest of us pelicans have to share our catch with them, doncha know?"

Naturally a hot-button issue in Florida politics, Republican Senate candidate, Marco Pelicano, pointed out, "First of all, those Louisiana pelicans don't even look like us."

"Secondly, there's just so darn many of them.  They're going to take over down here.  They'll ruin our way of life.  Who's going to pay for the schools, the fishing piers, the roosts for all these outsiders?"

"And all they do is just sit on their lazy tailfeathers all day, waiting for their next handout.  Why don't they get a real job and go fishing like everybody else?"

Conservative candidate for governor and proponent of stronger immigration laws, Rick Scottican, declared,"  This--this is why we need the same kind of immigration laws that were just enacted in Arizona.  You don't hear of any Louisiana pelicans being relocated to Arizona, do you?"

"My God, Harry!  Did you get a load of the size of the beaks on those guys??"

Monday, July 19, 2010

BP Caps Well, Saves Mankind

BP has made this right!!

The well is capped, the oil has stopped flowing!

We are the wonderful, caring corporate behemoth that we kept telling you small people we were...

The cap that we told you would hold is.....holding! OK, maybe the first or second ones didn't (or the 3rd through the 5th), but, as the saying goes in old Britannia, "the Sixth is a charm, good King Henry!"

So, yeah, we're damn bloody proud of ourselves for finally "getting it right," as our PR department conjured up in your rough-hewn colonial tongue to placate you savages. We expect now, since we have repaired this minor inconvenience, that you Yanks will have no objections to our poking more holes in your Gulf looking for petrol.

Despite the triflings of your silly little government, we have every confidence that the cap will continue to hold and that you forthwith cease and desist in your constant whining about every oil droplet that floats your way.

Yes, we know the pressure inside the well is rising; all perfectly normal, you see. The cap is designed and built to the most rigorous standards in the Empire.

So, light up those victory cigars, me hardies. A salute to the Empire!

What could possibly go wrong?????

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Steinbrenner Enters Heaven, Fires St. Peter, Others May Be On Chopping Block

George Steinbrenner is shaking things up in death, just as he did in life. Steinbrenner, who passed away on July 13th, was initially sent to Hell, where his soul was to spend eternity in fire and damnation.

But after a brief meeting with Satan, Steinbrenner was ushered out of Hell and transferred to Heaven. Said Satan, "Whoever came up with that saying, "Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over," George is who they were talking about. I've had a lot of hard cases show up on my doorstep, but this was one soul I can do without down here."

"George demanded a meeting with me as soon as he got here. Not even a "Where am I?" or a "There must be some mistake..." or even a "Please, I'll do anything...." I've been a fan of George's for many years, but I was really unprepared for the hard-nosed negotiations from him. What sealed the deal for me, personally, was when he mentioned all the souls that he was responsible for sending here to Hell. It's pretty widely-known that all Yankees, past and present, end up in Hell. They just do, even if it's for that attitude of theirs. I'd say about 90% of their fans are here, too. Yeah, we got a big Yankee section down here."

"So, I'm about 3 hours in with this guy and I'm thinking, "You know, if I give him a transfer to Heaven, I bet that'll set those goody-two shoes up there back a thousand years. And, they gotta take him, 'cause they're like that up there. I wish I could have been there when he showed up at the Pearly Gates....."

God, who seems a bit perplexed by Steinbrenner's brash manner, is still trying to get a handle on his new arrival. "Realize, of course, that we don't usually get souls of George's demeanor. We're more into the whole "blessed are the meek" thing. He just kind of bullied me into getting rid of St. Peter and putting in turnstiles, saying, "At Yankee Stadium, we don't turn anybody away, as long as they can pony up the price of admission."

Steinbrenner fires St. Peter, tells St. Gabriel that Heaven will be replacing his trumpet solos with the organist from the old Polo Grounds. "Organ music--that's how we did it in New York!"

"I must admit," God continued, "I probably should have paid more attention to George, but I've been pretty busy up here trying to keep those idiots on Earth from killing themselves. And, I must confess, I'm not really much of a baseball fan. Especially the Yankees. I mean, come on, would you really expect God to be a Yankees fan? Seriously?"

"So, I'm just not sure where we go from here. I'm almost afraid that he IS going to take over Heaven. Then what? This whole place will go to Hell, if you'll pardon my French. I guess I should get an attorney, but, as you can surmise, we don't get a lot of attorneys here in Heaven, either."

"Listen, I'm not talking to no archangel. I want to see God and I want to see Him NOW!! Get outta my way, you little fairy........"

Monday, July 12, 2010

Oil Begins Washing Ashore On Siesta Key; Sarasotans Rush To Beaches

Locals and visitors alike have come in droves to Sarasota's world-famous Siesta Key beach as crude oil from the failed oil rig, Deepwater Horizon, begins sloshing ashore here, turning the once-pristine sugar-white sand into a stained, oily mess that only Hermann Rohrshach could have loved.

For weeks, scientists at Mote Marine Laboratory have been issuing updates concerning the looming invasion by the inky slick. Specially trained dolphins from Mote were outfitted with Hazelwood Devices, ironically named after the captain of the ill-fated Exxon Valdez. Described by one marine biologist as "a sophisticated dipstick attached to a radio transmitter," the Hazelwood Device is bolted onto the dorsal fin of the gentle sea creature and continuously sends back data regarding water quality while the dolphin frolics about in the sea, until, ultimately, the device springs a leak, shorting out the battery and delivering a lethal electrical shock to the unwary mammal.

Based on this information, the Sarasota County Lifeguard Service was able to keep the beach-going public apprised of conditions.

In addition to the usual flags already in use on public beaches, three other flags have been placed into service, all having black backgrounds and bearing one of three messages: "10W30", "10W40" or "Off-Road Diesel Only."

While some beachgoers frantically began scooping up the oil with pails, buckets and other containers to take home with them, others simply filled empty soda bottles and poured the oil directly into their vehicles' crankcases in the parking lots. Government officials met hurriedly to determine if using the oil was a violation of Federal law by not paying the appropriate taxes on it and whether those who collected the oil for personal use would be prosecuted.

Meanwhile, at least one enterprising company had come up with a novel way to not only save the beach environment on the Suncoast, but turn a profit, as well. Kleppick's Barrels of Nokomis has rented the popular sightseeing vessel, The Three-Fingered Starfish, formerly run by Kleppick's Charter Service, and is using it to capture the oil off-shore, put it into barrels and then let the barrels drift into the beach, where they are collected by Kleppick's Temporary Staffing personnel, loaded onto trucks from Kleppick's Cartage and delivered to BP's Sarasota headquarters located at the old Kleppick place. "It's a win-win for the community and the environment," said Coast Guard Commander Phantley Kleppick at a joint news conference with BP Vice-President of Claims for Southwest Florida, Beneva Kleppick Heyward.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Downtown Sarasota Condo Collapses, Scores Killed, Dozens Believed Trapped In Rubble; Realtors Begin Pre-Sales For New Condo To Be Built At Site

Rescue crews and emergency responders from across the Suncoast are rushing to the Gulfstream Blvd. site of the tragic collapse of the Dolphin Towers condominium just off Sarasota's bayfront. The building had been evacuated in late June when severe cracks were discovered in the concrete structure's fourth floor.

The Sarasota Fire Dept. was supervising the residents' return to claim belongings that had been left behind when the condo was first cleared. The stately old tower was currently undergoing a massive re-engineering to make it habitable once again, including the removal of the failed concrete. Demolition crews had removed a large section of the bottom four floors in order to install new steel reinforcements and concrete.

Project supervisor, Mike Lilly, of Young General Contractors, in charge of the delicate demolition work, said today that, in retrospect, he probably should have authorized overtime for the workers to finish shoring up and stablilizing the building, but "being Friday afternoon and all, the guys and I were anxious to get the hell out of here, so I figured it would be OK. The engineers and I had built a scale replica of the condo out of Legos and when we removed a similar amount of blocks from the model, it remained standing, so we just figured, 'Hey, what's the worst that could happen 'til we got back on Monday?' so we knocked off for the weekend."

With about 70 residents and fire personnel inside the structure and a crowd of onlookers across the street, the venerable old building let out a mournful groan and begin a slow roll across Gulfstream Blvd. toward the bayfront, plowing straight into bystanders and the throng of Sarasota citizens who regularly line up on the sidewalks outside downtown restaurants at 3:15 PM, anxiously awaiting the beginning of the daily early-bird specials at 4:00 PM.

Some tourists commented that they were appalled when several local real estate firms began setting up temporary sales offices in colorful cabanas that had been hastily erected near the catasrophe site, jockeying for position with the Red Cross medical tents where medical personnel were frantically setting up triage centers to treat the most severely injured. One realtor was heard complaining that a temporary morgue was located adjacent to her sales cabana, saying, "When customers see all these dead bodies being hauled in here without limbs and heads and such, it's absolutely going to kill my business. Can't they wait until we close, then drag those stiffs off-site or something? I mean, they're already dead, so they certainly don't care. But I've got Lexus payments to make and NOW is the time to buy!"

Realtors were aggressively canvassing bystanders to purchase the new condos that will be located in the what's-sure-to-be-built replacement structure on the site. Said one realtor, "Year after year I've prayed for a hurricane to come in here and wipe out one of these old condo towers so they could build something new in its place that we could sell. But this--this is better than a hurricane. Hell, I'll still be able to play golf tomorrow!"

Sarasota mayor, Kelly Kirschner, tried to put a positive spin on the tragedy, even as it continued to unfold around him. "Because the structure remained intact and rolled across Gulfstream Blvd. and landed on Rt. 41, we are probably just going to leave it and build that roundabout that we've proposed for decades right there and call it a day."