A group of local pelicans are going to Federal court in an effort to halt the relocation of Louisiana birds who were rescued from the Gulf oil spill. Wildlife officials have found scores of distressed pelicans mired in muck and oil, took them to rehab centers where they were cleaned and nursed back to health, then transported here to the Pinellas County region to optimize their chances of survival.
One group, the Tea Party Pelicans, is suing to prevent the government's ongoing resettlement program. "Look," said spokespelican Rich PeliSwier, "we're as sensitive to the carnage of our own species as the next bird, but you just can't bring all these outsiders in here. We moved down here years ago from up north and spent years lining our nests. The Federal government has no business forcing us to take in these "pelicaliens."
"We don't want to share our best fishing spots. And we're sure as hell not going to surrender our prime spots on the local piers where we've spent years cultivating relationships with the fishermen there who regularly feed us. No way!"
"If God didn't want our Louisiana cousins to die a slow and horrible death suffocated and poisoned by black gold, then He wouldn't have hatched them in Louisiana, now would He?"
National Tea Party celebrican, Sarah Palican, spoke out in support of the pending lawsuit. "This is just another liberal Obama program foisted upon the American pelican population. Instead of waiting for the government to wash them off and save their lives, they should have shown some good old American initiative and had enough sense not to get in the oil. But--no--here we go again, bailing out the lazies while the rest of us pelicans have to share our catch with them, doncha know?"
Naturally a hot-button issue in Florida politics, Republican Senate candidate, Marco Pelicano, pointed out, "First of all, those Louisiana pelicans don't even look like us."
"Secondly, there's just so darn many of them. They're going to take over down here. They'll ruin our way of life. Who's going to pay for the schools, the fishing piers, the roosts for all these outsiders?"
"And all they do is just sit on their lazy tailfeathers all day, waiting for their next handout. Why don't they get a real job and go fishing like everybody else?"
Conservative candidate for governor and proponent of stronger immigration laws, Rick Scottican, declared," This--this is why we need the same kind of immigration laws that were just enacted in Arizona. You don't hear of any Louisiana pelicans being relocated to Arizona, do you?"
"My God, Harry! Did you get a load of the size of the beaks on those guys??"