Thursday, July 29, 2010

Bear Sentenced To Death In Campsite Attack, Demands Legal Representation

The female grizzly bear believed to be responsible for the horrorific Yellowstone campground attack that left one camper dead and two injured was captured by wildlife officials and is slated for summary execution.  The bear and her three cubs stand accused of the rampage, which authorities say was unprovoked and unprecedented in the annals of the US Park Service.

Neighbors of the bear, however, paint a different picture of the bruin in question.  Said one anonymous deer, "She's lived here in the Soda Butte neighborhood for some time now and, as far as I know, no one's ever had a problem with her.  The cubs are a different story, though.  They're young, they're rambunctious, they're bears."

"About a year ago, those three brats got into an altercation with one of my fawns.  Well, the poor thing has asthma and starts wheezing when she gets excited and the cubs started making fun of her.  I called the Park Ranger and we went right over to her den and got the situation straightened out right away.  Mrs. Bear couldn't have been more understanding and cordial.  I just don't think she's capable of something like this."

Said Thom Turkee, another neighbor, "She struck me as a good mother to those cubs.  Doesn't have a mean bone in her body.  Raised those cubs right, too; always fed 'em roots, berries, nuts and the like.  I don't ever recall seeing her even catching fish to eat.  Just a nice lady.  For a bear, I mean."

"You know, we've all complained to park management about that Soda Butte campground before.  It was only a matter of time before somebody got hurt.  The noise at all hours of the night, the litter left strewn around, the drinking, the music.  How'd you like it if drunks peed in your yard all the time?  Those damn humans are about as bad as those bison they let back in the park a couple years ago.  I think we'd be better off if we herded em' all--humans and buffalo--over top of Old Faithful and let 'er rip.  Fricassee 'em, I say....."

Noted Sarasota defense attorney, former public defender Adam Tebrugge, was in Cooke City, Montana, to represent the bear family, where the accused bear and two of her cubs are being held in custody.  A third cub is still at large, but authorities are confident that the young suspect will be captured shortly.

"I think it's appalling," said Tebrugge, "that this bear and the two juveniles are being held without bond in this case, especially after the woman injured in the attack, Deb Freele of Ontario, was unable to positively identify her in a police line-up late yesterday; not surprisingly, though, given that the attack happened around 2:00 AM in the middle of the woods."

Wildlife officials were quick to point out that tent or sleeping bag fibers were in the captured bears' droppings, and that a tooth fragment found in a tent appears to match a chipped tooth on the sow.

"My client can produce dental records showing that she chipped that fang back in 2006.  And finding sleeping bag fibers in her excrement is not surprising considering what a harsh winter it has been.  Bears are omnivores of convenience--if there's a sleeping bag lying around and they're hungry, they'll eat it.  That hardly constitutes a crime, even in my hometown of Sarasota, where just about everything's a crime."

"Just look at this face," he implored reporters, while standing next to the 275-lb. bear.  "I ask you, does this look like the face of a killer?"

Mr. Tebrugge is survived by his wife and a thriving law practice in Sarasota, FL.  Funeral arrangements are incomplete, pending the recovery of more pieces of the deceased.

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