Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Thus Saith The Lord......

"No!  Learn how to spell first, you schmuck, then maybe we'll talk.  Maybe!"

Friday, September 17, 2010

Woman Confesses To Acid Attack Hoax, Shocking Motive Rocks Sports World

Bethany Storro, 28, of Vancouver, WA, has confessed to investigators that she lied, contrary to her original story of being attacked by a black, pony-tailed assailant who asked, "Hey, pretty girl, do you want to drink this?" just before throwing acid in her face.

Storro, when told that her duplicitous actions may result in criminal prosecution, informed reporters that she intended to use the "Derek Jeter Defense."

"Look," she explained, "like every other 28-year old single woman, I have self-esteem issues and, as such, it's my job to draw attention to myself to attract as many potential husband candidates as I can, just like it's Derek Jeter's job to get on base any way he can, an obvious reference to an incident at a Wednesday night baseball game between the vaunted New York Yankees and some third-rate team from somewhere in Florida when the legendary Yankee shortstop heroically flim-flammed the umpiring crew into believing he had been hit by a pitch when it was shown conclusively on television replays that the ball clearly hit the knob end of Jeter's bat."

"If it's good enough for Derek Jeter, it's good enough for me," reasoned Ms. Storro.  "And I'm only about half as famous as he is."

Ms. Storro mugs for the camera before and after splashing acid on her face in order to attract attention.

Mr. Jeter accepts Emmy Award for "Best Actor in Continuing Sports Drama Outside of Professional Wrestling."

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Sarasota County Schools Overwhelmed By Rampant Infestation; Officials Say Spread To General Population Inevitable

Something's bugging students in the Sarasota County school system.  And it's just not the teachers or the homework.

In fact, the situation is so serious that the County School Board contracted last spring with Rielle Hunter of Hunter-Young-Edwards Productions to produce the following $3.2 million public service announcement.  It was to begin airing over the summer, but local medial outlets WWSB  and SNN said that gubernatorial candidate, Rick Scott, and senatorial candidate, Jeff Greene, had already purchased every available minute of advertising time and neither hopeful spending millions of dollars out of their own pockets to be elected a public servant by the citizens of Florida would relinquish any air time, choosing instead to continue running their highly-negative toxic ads.

Pediatric health authorities recommend that parents talk to their children about the infestation, no matter how young they are, as younger children are the most likely victims to be affected.

Please be advised that the TV spot pulls no punches and is a very frank discussion of the scourge that threatens to close down the entire school district unless health officials can get a handle on this very dire situation.

Yes, cooties.

Formerly considered a childhood malady that was soon outgrown, cooties have become a universal curse, knowing no geographical, economic or social boundaries.

It used to be that only pre-pubescent boys thought girls had them and pre-pubescent girls thought--rightly so, as it turns out--that boys had them.  Except for Justin Bieber.

Nowadays, though, Republicans think Democrats have cooties, Democrats think Republicans have cooties and the Tea Party thinks everyone has cooties but themselves. 

Rich people think poor people have cooties, poor people think rich people infected them on purpose and don't want to pass the health care initiative to keep them from getting proper treatment for cooties. 

Christians think Muslims have cooties and wish they would just give us their oil and shut the hell up and stop killing people, Muslims think Christians have cooties and consider it a Shari'a mandate to exterminate the infidel carriers. 

White people think people of color have cooties, people of color call them bigots and racists for thinking so, but, yet, think white people have cooties, too. 

Americans think illegal aliens have cooties and want to close down the country to stay cootie-free, illegal aliens are dying for the chance to get into America and catch their own cooties. 

And, on it goes..................

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Gainesville Pastor Decides Against Burning Quran After Secret Meeting With City Official

Central Florida minister, part-time furniture salesman and full-time nut job, the Most Holy Reverend Dr.Terry Jones, has abruptly canceled plans to incinerate copies of Islam's holy book after learning that open fires are not permitted within the city limits of Gainesville.  Although permits can be had by those wishing to have a bonfire, weenie roast, cross-burning, etc., Pastor Terry decided not to pursue a permit after a brief meeting with a member of Gainesville's Fire Dept.

Deputy Fire Marshal Muqta Hassan Abdullah told reporters after their conference that "Pastor Jones and I had a 'come to Mohammed' meeting earlier today where I politely informed him that, should he burn the Quran, the Yellow Pages or anything else without the proper permit, he would be in violation of Gainesville City Fire Code Section IV, sub-section 9.5, paragraph 135 and, as such, be subject to the same punishment as any other infidel who dares defy the Fire Code of the city."

According to Gainesville's newly-enacted Fire Code, first time offenders for any infraction "shall be beheaded by the City Swordsman in the food court of the Gainesville Mall, and his family will be hanged in front of Sears for all to see and bear witness thereof."

Dr. Jones, whose divinity doctorate degree from the California Graduate School of Theology, which is "is so independent, it has never been accredited" and carries about as much weight as a one-night stay at a Holiday Inn Express, said he was impressed with Deputy Fire Marshal Abdullah's explanation of the fire code and has no desire to violate any city ordinances now or forever and ever.  Amen.

University of Florida students, adjudged in violation of Gainesville's ban on fireworks hang in a strip mall on July 5th, where they were also fined for loitering.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Bart Simpson Pranks The Pelican Press, Investigation Launched

Sarasota's own bastion of free speech and erudite prose, The Pelican Press, is launching a full-scale investigation into what the newspaper calls "a full-blown breach of security."  This past week's edition printed a "Letter to the Editor" that ostensibly criticized Marina Jack's tax-free status with the City of Sarasota, even going so far as to question if "someone at Marina Jacks (had) pictures of city officials in compromising positions with a goat?"

If that wasn't embarrassing enough for such a crudely-worded letter to be printed in the pages of such a highly-regarded media outlet as The Pelican Press, the crowning blow was the signature attached to the letter:  Ben Dover (bend over).

According to outraged editor, Anita Bath, the weekly has forthwith terminated the services of chief proofreader, Hugh Jass, for allowing the letter to be printed.

Suspicion immediately focused on former Pelican Press columnist, MC Coolidge, who had been unceremoniously dumped from the paper's payroll some time ago, when an advertiser objected to the content of one of her columns.  Always ready to defend America's First Amendment to the Constitution supporting the right of free speech, Ms. Coolidge was summarily fired from this paragon of journalistic excellence and democracy was saved on Siesta Key.

It was quickly determined, however, that Ms. Coolidge had an air-tight alibi in the case when her two cats gave corroborating depositions to the Sheriff's Dept. indicating that Ms. Coolidge did not write the offending letter in question and was, instead, rolling in catnip with the two of them all evening.

Authorities then began to concentrate their efforts toward one Bartholomew "Bart" Simpson, prankster extraordinaire, known throughout the seamy underbelly of the prank world for his repeated phone-calls to Moe Szyslak, proprietor of the notorious Moe's Tavern in downtown Springfield.  While no one has ever been able to conclusively connect the prank calls to Simpson, it is commonly believed that he is, in fact, the originator of the anonymous calls.

Lead investigator for the newspaper, disgraced ex-Sarasota PD goon, Mike Rotch, vowed to find the culprit and "shove a sausage down his throat and stick starving dogs in his butt!"  Mr. Rotch, as it may be recalled, did the exact same thing to a suspect in a jaywalking case back in early 2006, costing the City of Sarasota $325 for an attempted bribe to the defendant to drop any future police abuse case, a subsequent $87,000 out-of-court settlement to the defendant, and the jobs of Mr. Rotch, two immediate supervisors and the department head at the time, Police Chief Andy Taylor.

Last known photo of Simpson, during a short-lived career as speechwriter for Sarah Palin during her failed 2008 presidential bid.