Friday, September 17, 2010

Woman Confesses To Acid Attack Hoax, Shocking Motive Rocks Sports World

Bethany Storro, 28, of Vancouver, WA, has confessed to investigators that she lied, contrary to her original story of being attacked by a black, pony-tailed assailant who asked, "Hey, pretty girl, do you want to drink this?" just before throwing acid in her face.

Storro, when told that her duplicitous actions may result in criminal prosecution, informed reporters that she intended to use the "Derek Jeter Defense."

"Look," she explained, "like every other 28-year old single woman, I have self-esteem issues and, as such, it's my job to draw attention to myself to attract as many potential husband candidates as I can, just like it's Derek Jeter's job to get on base any way he can, an obvious reference to an incident at a Wednesday night baseball game between the vaunted New York Yankees and some third-rate team from somewhere in Florida when the legendary Yankee shortstop heroically flim-flammed the umpiring crew into believing he had been hit by a pitch when it was shown conclusively on television replays that the ball clearly hit the knob end of Jeter's bat."

"If it's good enough for Derek Jeter, it's good enough for me," reasoned Ms. Storro.  "And I'm only about half as famous as he is."

Ms. Storro mugs for the camera before and after splashing acid on her face in order to attract attention.

Mr. Jeter accepts Emmy Award for "Best Actor in Continuing Sports Drama Outside of Professional Wrestling."


  1. Where's the comparision again? This lady should either go to jail, or a mental institution.

  2. I'm amazed at the number of people who come to your sight and miss the hyperbole and satire. Actually, I think it was Bethany who was trying to get a job on the Yankees and Jeter who was desperate for love. But, whatevs.

  3. Bagger:

    You're right, I'm always amazed, too, when somebody actually believes this stuff. But Bluz means well.....