Sarasota's own bastion of free speech and erudite prose, The Pelican Press, is launching a full-scale investigation into what the newspaper calls "a full-blown breach of security." This past week's edition printed a "Letter to the Editor" that ostensibly criticized Marina Jack's tax-free status with the City of Sarasota, even going so far as to question if "someone at Marina Jacks (had) pictures of city officials in compromising positions with a goat?"
If that wasn't embarrassing enough for such a crudely-worded letter to be printed in the pages of such a highly-regarded media outlet as The Pelican Press, the crowning blow was the signature attached to the letter: Ben Dover (bend over).
According to outraged editor, Anita Bath, the weekly has forthwith terminated the services of chief proofreader, Hugh Jass, for allowing the letter to be printed.
Suspicion immediately focused on former Pelican Press columnist, MC Coolidge, who had been unceremoniously dumped from the paper's payroll some time ago, when an advertiser objected to the content of one of her columns. Always ready to defend America's First Amendment to the Constitution supporting the right of free speech, Ms. Coolidge was summarily fired from this paragon of journalistic excellence and democracy was saved on Siesta Key.
It was quickly determined, however, that Ms. Coolidge had an air-tight alibi in the case when her two cats gave corroborating depositions to the Sheriff's Dept. indicating that Ms. Coolidge did not write the offending letter in question and was, instead, rolling in catnip with the two of them all evening.
Authorities then began to concentrate their efforts toward one Bartholomew "Bart" Simpson, prankster extraordinaire, known throughout the seamy underbelly of the prank world for his repeated phone-calls to Moe Szyslak, proprietor of the notorious Moe's Tavern in downtown Springfield. While no one has ever been able to conclusively connect the prank calls to Simpson, it is commonly believed that he is, in fact, the originator of the anonymous calls.
Lead investigator for the newspaper, disgraced ex-Sarasota PD goon, Mike Rotch, vowed to find the culprit and "shove a sausage down his throat and stick starving dogs in his butt!" Mr. Rotch, as it may be recalled, did the exact same thing to a suspect in a jaywalking case back in early 2006, costing the City of Sarasota $325 for an attempted bribe to the defendant to drop any future police abuse case, a subsequent $87,000 out-of-court settlement to the defendant, and the jobs of Mr. Rotch, two immediate supervisors and the department head at the time, Police Chief Andy Taylor.