Thursday, September 9, 2010

Gainesville Pastor Decides Against Burning Quran After Secret Meeting With City Official

Central Florida minister, part-time furniture salesman and full-time nut job, the Most Holy Reverend Dr.Terry Jones, has abruptly canceled plans to incinerate copies of Islam's holy book after learning that open fires are not permitted within the city limits of Gainesville.  Although permits can be had by those wishing to have a bonfire, weenie roast, cross-burning, etc., Pastor Terry decided not to pursue a permit after a brief meeting with a member of Gainesville's Fire Dept.

Deputy Fire Marshal Muqta Hassan Abdullah told reporters after their conference that "Pastor Jones and I had a 'come to Mohammed' meeting earlier today where I politely informed him that, should he burn the Quran, the Yellow Pages or anything else without the proper permit, he would be in violation of Gainesville City Fire Code Section IV, sub-section 9.5, paragraph 135 and, as such, be subject to the same punishment as any other infidel who dares defy the Fire Code of the city."

According to Gainesville's newly-enacted Fire Code, first time offenders for any infraction "shall be beheaded by the City Swordsman in the food court of the Gainesville Mall, and his family will be hanged in front of Sears for all to see and bear witness thereof."

Dr. Jones, whose divinity doctorate degree from the California Graduate School of Theology, which is "is so independent, it has never been accredited" and carries about as much weight as a one-night stay at a Holiday Inn Express, said he was impressed with Deputy Fire Marshal Abdullah's explanation of the fire code and has no desire to violate any city ordinances now or forever and ever.  Amen.

University of Florida students, adjudged in violation of Gainesville's ban on fireworks hang in a strip mall on July 5th, where they were also fined for loitering.

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