Monday, March 29, 2010

Pope Benedict XVI Implicated In Manson Murder Cover-Up

The Vatican was rocked today by accusations that Pope Benedict XVI could be held complicit in the infamous Tate/LaBianca murders in Los Angeles in August of 1969. While officially declining comment, the Vatican was in full panic mode to learn as many details of the Holy Father's involvement with convicted killer, Charles Manson, in order to defuse this latest bombshell coming on the heels of the revelation that the Pope may have been party to the child molestations that occurred during his watch.

The story is still in the process of being fleshed out by varying sources, but this much is known:

Pope Benedict XVI, nee Joseph "Joey, the Rat" Ratzinger, entered the priesthood in Bavaria in 1950 at the age of 23. There he encountered a 16-year old American lad who was travelling through Europe and the two became fast friends. When the boy turned 18, Fr. Ratzinger, already a rising star in the church, convinced his young friend to enroll in St. Euthanasias Seminary in Topanga, Austria. Two years later, a newly ordained Fr. Charles B. Manson would begin a brief, yet tumultuous, tenure as a popular Roman Catholic priest.

Father Charles Manson, known to his younger parishoners as "Kumbaya Charlie" for his inspirational music ministry.

In the mid-1950s, now-Monsignor Ratzinger had acquired oversight of several parishes in Austria, including St. Philharmonia, where a charismatic Fr. Charlie was gaining quite a reputation--not all of it good. Rumors swirled throughout the parish when altar boys began disappearing from the community at an alarming rate, with the innuendo finally reaching the ornate, gold-inlaid desk of Msgr. Ratzinger.

In August of 1959, Msgr. Ratzinger visited his old friend to deliver the bad news: either stop abducting altar boys or he would be transferred to another parish, as was the custom. Fr. Charlie insisted that he had done nothing more heinous than every other priest in the church had done and that Msgr. Ratzinger was singling him out because he was an American, calling the Reverand Father a "Nazi." An outraged Msgr. Ratzinger shouted back, "You like America so much, I am send you back. There is opening in parish in South Central Los Angeles, you like your America so much. You touch boys there, they KILL you. Maybe they cut your balls off. You love it there. You never be nothing, Charlie. Not like me."

The two parted bitterly, with Fr. Charlie soon shipped off to the mean streets of L.A. to serve as headmaster at the rundown St. Thomas LaSorda School for Wayward Boys. Fr. Charlie was quickly overwhelmed by the task and eventually dropped out of the priesthood, to begin hanging around with the nascent hippie movement in mid-1960s California, dabbling in psychedelic drugs. He ended up living on the streets, homeless, harboring a gnawing resentment toward his former friend, Ratzinger, for removing him from his cushy post in Austria and shipping him to the crime and poverty riddled, drug-infested ghettos of L.A. The now-defrocked and disgraced Manson vowed that he would somehow carve out a name for himself and make Joey, the Rat sorry for marginalizing him.

And, so, on the night of Aug. 8, 1969, ten years to the day after his heated confrontation with Msgr. Ratzinger, Charles Manson unleashed his 'family' of devoted followers on a murderous rampage over the next two days that would rock the nation and the world. In the weeks to come following his arrest and subsequent notoriety, Manson made good on his promise to make a name for himself and secure his place in history.

Over the years, Manson tried to assign blame for his sorry state to his run-in with Ratzinger, now a cardinal in the Catholic Church hierarchy. Manson wroter letter after letter to his former mentor in the hope of reconciliation and redemption, but it was all for naught; the letters were returned to Manson's cell unopened as Ratzinger continued his inexorable climb to head the Vatican. In a heartbreaking display of frustration at his rejection by Ratzinger, Manson crudely scratched a swastika on his forehead before a court appearance, in an apparent nod to his characterization of Ratzinger being a Nazi years earlier.

"And it still stings all these years later. Sometimes I get headaches from it. But I'll tell you what: that little Bic pen tattoo up there sure saved me from a world of hurt in prison after the Aryan Brotherhood noticed it and became my BFFs."

But Ratzinger had not forgotten his friend from those many years ago. When Cardinal Ratzinger was elected by his peers to become the 265th leader of the Holy Church of Rome, he took the name "Benedict XVI," an obvious reference to Charles Benedict Manson, who was but 16 (XVI) years old when they had first met in that small Bavarian village, a lifetime ago.

Investigators and forensic historians are poring over the facts and timelines of this breaking story. Some questions they hope to answer include:

  • Could the murders of nearly a dozen innocent people have been prevented if Ratzinger had not transferred Manson to L.A.?

  • Would Roman Polanski not have assaulted that 13-year old girl if his wife, Sharon Tate, was still alive?

  • Would Steven Railsback have become a major motion picture star if he wouldn't have been forever typecast as a psycho after portraying Manson in "Helter Skelter?"

  • Would Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme, another Manson devotee, been induced into trying to assassinate Pres. Gerald Ford and, if successful, would that have derailed the career of Chevy Chase?

"I swear I didn't know anything about any little boys.....GAAAAAA!!!!!!"

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

USF President, New Football Coach, Player Missing; Police Have No Firm Suspects

Florida law enforcement confirmed earlier today that the president of the University of South Florida, Judy Genshaft, newly-hired head football coach, Louis "Skip" Holtz, and a football player believed to be Joel Miller are missing and all are presumed to be the victims of foul play. Authorities have named former USF football coach, Jim Leavitt, as a person of interest in the case.

Leavitt was dismissed from the USF football program at the end of last season when an internal investigation concluded that he grabbed walk-on Joel Miller by the throat and slapped him twice during halftime of a Nov. 21 football game. Leavitt has consistently denied the incident and filed a lawsuit earlier this month seeking the $9.5 million left on his seven-year contract, along with attorney's fees which are estimated by some legal experts to be about $9 million, leaving Leavitt a cool $500,000, which should just about be enough to retrieve his car from the Hillsborough County Impound Lot, where it was towed at the request of USF campus police while Leavitt was in a meeting on campus last January being fired.

The lawsuit accuses USF of discounting the testimony of Benny Perez and Jack Hypes, both Florida Highway Patrol officers, who said that Leavitt did not strike Miller, a story corroborated by USF strength coach Ronnie McKeefery, a player's parent, Mike Durakovic, safety Jerrell Young, four nuns, a Baptist minister, a Roman Catholic priest, a Jewish rabbi, the entire cheerleading squad and a player to be named later who claim they were all present in the locker room that fateful Saturday afternoon. According to the lawsuit, the university deemed all the witnesses to be "not credible" with no explanation other than "because we said so, that's why."

The case hinges, primarily, on the accusation by Miller, who later recanted his accusation, then, at another news conference re-instated his accusation, which brought about the accusation by Leavitt that Miller "wouldn't know an accusation if it grabbed that little punk by his skinny, lying, pencil neck and slapped him. Twice."

Miller's parents told reporters, "We are firmly convinced, without a doubt, that Jim Leavitt killed our son. Well, maybe not--maybe he didn't. No, in fact, he couldn't have killed Joel. It's just ridiculous to think that Coach Jim would do anything like that to our boy. No, wait, we think--we're sure he did. Yes, that bastard absolutely, positively killed our beloved son, little what's-his-name."

Authorities adamantly refused to disclose details of the trio's disappearance, other than to say that they discovered "three freshly-dug graves containing human remains; one middle-aged, well-dressed female, one 46-year old male with the name "Skip" tattooed on his left arm and one 21-year old male with hand imprints on his throat and on either side of his head" in an end zone of Raymond James Stadium. They refused to speculate on the identities of the bodies until lab testing was completed. When reporters suggested that the end zone of a football field seemed a rather high-profile place for a killer to bury his victims, one FDLE officer close to the case replied, "Not if you're familiar with the two teams that play there."

Leavitt, who was visiting his wife's family in Boca Raton, told reporters that he was returning a shovel and wheelbarrow that he had recently borrowed from his father-in-law and could not comment on either the lawsuit or the disappearance of the three people, due to the pending suit. Leavitt appeared relaxed and at ease, obviously enjoying his time away from football by doing a little gardening, as evidenced by the soil and grass stains on his clothing.

"You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? Then who the hell else are you talking... you talking to me? Well, there ain't nobody else here, so you must be talkin' to me. Who the hell do you think you're talking to? Oh yeah?"

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Sarasota Ups The Ante For Google Recognition, Vows To Kill One Citizen A Day Until It's Awarded High-Speed Internet

In a bold display of oneupsmanship, a hallmark of the Sarasotan spirit of entrepreneurship, local leaders have decided to go "all in" in their bid to woo internet giant Google to bring high-speed fiber-optic internet to the Suncoast.

When stunts like re-naming City Island as "Google Island" and having Sarasota mayor, Dick Clapp, (no, really!), go for a swim with the sharks at Mote Marine Aquarium went relatively unnoticed by Google and the world's press, the movers and shakers behind the local movement knew there was no turning back. They refused to be upstaged by the likes of Duluth, MN, Topeka, KS, front-runner Grand Rapids, MI and many other cities who are willing to sell their collective souls for their fifteen minutes of fame on the Google bandwithwagon.

Google, singularly unimpressed by Sarasota's proposed name change, proposed their own suggestion, noting, "It's this or nothing; we take second billing from no one":

Said Rich Swier, Jr., local tech guru, "I took a page out of my dad's playbook. 'If you can't beat 'em, kill 'em. In fact, even if you can beat them, kill 'em anyway. It's just good business.' (Swier's father is a beloved oil-drilling, gun-toting uber-right wing reactionary who resides in Sarasota.)

"After substantial talks with business and political leaders, we have decided that, until Google makes us one of their fiber-optic test cities, we are prepared to execute one Sarasota citizen per day. And, just to show Google that we're serious, we kicked off the campaign by hanging four randomly-chosen transients that we picked up for panhandling in Five Points Park today at lunchtime. We had a great turnout and everyone there seemed excited about getting faster internet."

Swier's partner, Matt Orr, said the idea came to them when Sarasota's mayor was in the shark tank at Mote. "We both looked at each other at the exact same time and said, 'Dude, wouldn't it be, like, so cool if the sharks actually ATE him?' 'What if we tied a pork chop around this buffoon's neck and threw him back in the tank again?' How much more of a bang would Sarasota have gotten if, instead of swimming with sharks, the mayor would have gone sleeping with the fishes. We instantly knew that human sacrifice was the way to go on this."

"We had briefly entertained the idea of animal sacrifices, but, given Sarasotan's love for all things four-legged, we knew the public would be outraged and repulsed if we even mentioned killing, God forbid, somebody's cocker spaniel. So, humans it was."

Both men stressed that those chosen for sacrifice would NOT be tourists, political figures, developers, financial managers, realtors, lawyers, Ponzi schemers, used car salesmen or any citizen with a verifiable net worth of over $5 million--"those people are the very essence of this town," said Orr. "Everybody else, though, is fair game to be nominated by their friends and neighbors to die a horrific public death."

Said Kathy Baylis, president of the Economic Development Corporation of Sarasota County, "I was a little taken aback by this proposal when I first heard about it, but with Sarasota's skyrocketing unemployment rate making 'suicide bomber' look like a viable career option here on the Suncoast, I quickly realized the economic benefit of the program beyond the internet thingy. I think it's a great way to thin out the labor pool so we can bring those jobless numbers down. I just hope Google doesn't end the contest too soon or we won't have enough deaths to make a noticeable difference in our percentages."

One unidentified City Commissioner gushed, "What's not to love about this idea? Sarasota gets its name plastered all over the worldwide media as an innovative tech haven, we cement our reputation for being the "Meanest City in the Nation" when it comes to the poor and homeless, we clean out the transients, whether by public execution or the attending news and, if we run out of bums, we'll start whacking old people. We'll never run out of them!"

In order to keep the program interesting, fresh and relevant, though, the community is being asked to come up with interesting and novel ways to accomplish the executions. The Sarasota Herald-Tribune is kicking off its "Gettin' Gory for Google" contest in its Sunday edition by inviting reader submissions for non-traditional ways that those chosen for sacrifice could be done in, noting that "points will be given for style, amount of pain and suffering, novelty, blood spatter and local flavor--think buried alive in our famous snow-white sand on one of our beautiful beaches or taking that one last swim with Tilikum, the killer whale from Sea World."

"OK, Duluth, think you're badass? You got any of these in Lake Superior??"

Thursday, March 18, 2010

National Guard Restores Order In Sarasota After Riots Celebrating School Tax Extension Victory

The streets of Sarasota have, once again, returned to calm today--mercifully so--after two days of unimpeded rioting by supporters of the public education tax extension that was approved by voters in Tuesday's referendum balloting, thanks to the overwhelming presence of Florida National Guard troops patrolling throughout the city and various other trouble spots in the county. Local authorities, unable to control the hordes of celebrants, had first contacted the Florida Highway Patrol for assistance, but quickly realized that the situation was out of control and appealed to Gov. Charlie Crist for assistance.

The governor, locked in a heated US Senate race with challenger, FL Congressman Marco Rubio, at first said he was reluctant to appear anti-education, but when told that Rubio viewed the wholesale violence going on in Sarasota as "populist cathartic rage", Crist stepped to the fore and ordered in the troops. Said the governor, "If that little Cuban is for it, then I'm against it, whatever it is. And you can quote me on that. Except for the 'little Cuban' thing maybe....."

The violence began when it became clear that the tax extension would pass, despite Elections Supervisor Kathy Dent's concern that union goons made up primarily of girl's phys. ed. teachers were involved in widespread voter intimidation at several polling places. The jubilant celebration soon turned ugly when the throng of teachers and their supporters, including several thousand students, some as young as second-graders, began smashing out storefront windows in downtown Sarasota, overturning cars and setting them on fire.

At one point, the out-of-control mob went berserk when a school district van delivered the spokesman for the tax opponents, Walt Augustinowicz, into their midst, hands tied behind his back and a hood over his head. The teachers began beating him with rulers and wooden pointers, before hanging his lifeless body from a traffic signal at the corner of Ringling and Main. Lori White, the normally soft-spoken head of Sarasota County schools, appeared energized from the bloodlust, shouting at the dangling corpse, "Who's your daddy now, bitch? Sit up straight when I'm talking to you! Don't have much to say now, do you, Mister Tough Guy? Woooooooo!!!", while flashing the 'hook-em horns' hand gesture, then taking a long swig from a champagne bottle given to her by a colleague before pouring the balance of its contents over his head.

Several liquor stores were looted, fueling the horde's growing appetite for violence. Fires burned throughout the city as firefighters and local police refused to confront the rioters. Said one fireman, "If we can't get police protection to get to the fires, we're not going in alone. Well, that and because our union steward told us that we're not going in as a professional courtesy to the Sarasota Classified/Teachers Association."

As dawn broke Wednesday morning, thick black clouds of smoke rose above the condos and office towers of downtown Sarasota. Fires raged unabated, while union reps for teachers and public safety wrangled with contractual language that would allow emergency personnel to extinguish the blaze without giving the appearance of stepping over the teachers union de facto picket line.

With nightfall on Wednesday, a second night of violence and wanton destruction of property began in earnest as roving bands of educators and other thugs roamed the littered streets of the darkened city, although the smoldering fires and smoky haze did give the little town somewhat of a candlelit glow that was undeniably appealing, not unlike that a beautiful blonde languorously smoking a cigarette across the tiny table of some excruciatingly chic Parisian bistro, lit only by a single flickering candle. National Guard troops arrived shortly before midnight and used tear gas, dogs and armored vehicles to subdue and disperse the mob.

A distraught young soldier sat on a street corner while a medic tended what appeared to be a nasty head wound. Choking with emotion, 2nd Lt. Hudson Bayou of the Florida Guard revealed that he was born and raised in Sarasota and was appalled at the scene, saying, "Do you know what it's like to have to turn a water cannon on a woman getting ready to throw a Molotov cocktail into your vehicle and realize it was your third-grade teacher?"

Damage estimates are expected to be in the tens of millions and plans are being finalized for a ballot referendum to propose a 1-mill "temporary" tax to pay for the repairs.

The Sarasota County School Board has issued a statement indicating that all county schools will be closed until a week from Monday, as all top administrators, the board and three hundred or so teachers are headed to the ultra-posh Mauna Lani Resort in Hawaii for some R & R. Said Carolyn Zucker, president of the school board, "Hey, it's not like we can't afford it, right? Besides, we got a good deal from the resort because an AIG management convention had to cancel because they were shamed into not going by adverse publicity. No such worries for us, though. If it wasn't for these dedicated professional educators before you today, you cretins wouldn't know how to spell 'adverse publicity.' Aloha, y'all!!"

The burned-out shell of Sarasota's City Hall stands as mute testament to the power of public education.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Tim Tebow To Save NFL, Roethlisberger Not Worth His Salt

Chapter 10

The Parable of Ben, the fall of the wicked warrior.

1 And, lo, those many months later, the Army of Steel went unto the town of Latrobe and there did make preparations to commence a season of war upon their enemies.
2 And, behold, a great light was made to shine round the encampment, and all those therein fell upon their knees with fear.
3 And a mighty wind from the south brought a great cloud into their midst and the light shone through the cloud and they saw a man, clad in raiment of black and gold descend from it, as if on the wings of eagles.
4 And the thunder did roll and the lightning was all around this man, and when his feet touched the earth at the plains of St. Vincent, a multitude of heavenly hosts did sing songs of exultation.

5 And cherubs attended him, as did doves and all manner of lamb and calf and forest creature, for it was Timothy, of the house of Tebow, who had come into their midst, who was to be a light unto the feet of all those who would run headlong into the foe, and a help unto those who would receive the offering from those who would throw the bladder of the swine.
6 And all those who saw Tim were amazed and shouted “Alleluia,” and the plains of St. Vincent rang with the people’s hosannas for him.
7 But there was one among them whom did not renounce the way of Satan to follow Timothy in the paths of righteousness, and this was Ben, who did envy Timothy for the vast amounts of gold, frankincense and myrrh which he was given to join the Army of Steel.
8 For Ben believed himself to be the anointed one, who should be the mightiest of warriors and receive the blessing of Michael, of Tomlin, to lead the forces of good into battle against their foes.
9 Now Ben was also consumed with envy of the love everyone hath shown for Timothy and was vexed that it was no longer he who wore the crown of laurel and was beloved by the people of the Three Rivers.
10 And Michael, of Tomlin, seeth Ben’s jealousy and saith to him, “Verily, I say unto you, behold the man-child who, this day, shall deliver the enemies of the Steelers unto us forevermore.”
11 “Thy loose and wicked ways hath condemned you, your lewdness with women hath brought weakness to thy legs and an excess of wine hath brought weakness to thine arm.”
12 “You hast become a plague unto us and we shall now follow Timothy into war, as you are no longer the chosen one, and now shall bear the shield of Timothy for him and be a help unto him in battle.”
13 Now, Ben was sorely angered at this news and cursed Timothy, which caused Michael, of Tomlin, to suffer him to come with him to another place, away from his army.
14 And Ben cried out, “I will not, for it is my place to lead this army; my transgressions are not of my doing, as there are those who would bear false witness against me and cause me to lose my way.”
15 “What of thy kicker, who hath made war upon that machine by which men can rid their hands of water and who has shown his nakedness to all the world? What of his rebellion against just authority when another of our number was to be arrested for his drunkenness?”
16 What of thy receiver, who did sell narcotics when he was young? What of all those others who hath failed to heed the laws of man?”
17 To which Michael, of Tomlin did answer, “When that day cometh that Timothy declares himself to be equally as noble of foot, then Jeffrey shall be driven from the house of Rooney, as will all those others of whom you speaketh, for we shall become an army that represents the virtue and goodness of the tribe of the Three Rivers.”
18 And Ben fell into a rage, shouting, “I shall remain upon this field and shall not be moved by any man, even he who would usurp my position, for he shall be damned this day by all the demons of Hell itself that I shall summon and I will be king once more and unto me will graven images be wrought!”
19 And with that, Ben did raise his hand against Timothy and he became a pillar of salt.
20 And all those that saw these things that day did fall upon their knees and hide their faces, for they were sore afraid and turned away their eyes that they should not suffer a similar fate.
21 Then, the heavens opened and did weep for Ben, for he was once favored by the Lord, and the pillar of salt that was Ben did melt into the earth and he was no more.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Steelers To Draft Tim Tebow, Super Bowl Victory Assured By Biblical Decree

Chapter 9

1 And it came to pass in those days, that the once-mighty army of the tribe of the Three Rivers, who were called the Army of Steel, had despaired into sin and degradation because they were vain and proud and had strayed from the paths of righteousness, and the people did gnash their teeth and rend their clothes because of it.
2 For there were those in the army who had become drunkards and whoremongers and brawlers and those who succumbed to the pleasures of the flesh, who reveled in their nakedness and debauchery and no longer wished to follow those precepts set forth those many years ago by the Chief, who forbade such wantonness among his warriors;
3 As it was with Ben, who was the leader of this Army of Steel, who once was favored by the Lord and led his men into victory upon victory, but who had now become sinful and licentious in his ways.
4 Now, the Lord looked upon Ben and was desirous that he forsake his sinfulness, so that He made him to fall from his mount, suffering a grievous wound about his head, for he wore not his armor nor his helmet, and the people prayed with much fervor, that Ben was healed and did repent and led his army to victory, and gave glory to God by raising his hand to heaven in this time of victory.
5 But, once more, Ben had those around him who led him to look away from the face of the Lord and fall into sin with a harlot, and his accuser said, “Ben hath forced himself upon me and I have been shamed and for this I demand redress.”
6 And, again, the Lord heard the cries and lamentations of the tribe of the Three Rivers, who feared greatly that they would be vanquished by those barbarian hordes of Browns and Ravens and Bengals, and did cause she who was scorned to be known as one who would bear false witness against Ben, who did cloak himself in the clothes of righteousness and proclaimeth again his love for the Lord.

7 But Ben soon strayed for a third time, now in the land that is called Georgia, for his drunkenness and pride led him to keep company with a young handmaiden, who now weeps for her lost honor.
8 Now, Ben hath been shown mercy twice before, and his advisors tell him that he is a mighty warrior and should indeed have his choice of concubines with which to copulate and take his pleasure, for he is not subject to the laws of the land, as he is the mightiest of warriors.
9 But the people of the tribe of Three Rivers were sore afraid, for they knew that vexation of the Lord could end their reign as keepers of the Six Rings, as their enemies were many and great and sought vengeance upon this Army of Steel; to smite them, yea, verily, even to slay them.
10 For the Lord speaketh to them, saying, "As I have laid low the once mighty Raiders of Oakland for their wicked ways, so shall I visit my retribution upon the Army of Steel if they continue to forsake my laws and spirit with their evilness."
11 So the leaders of the army, who were the Rooneys, called upon the spirit of the Chief to give them wisdom to make their army strong once more, so that their glory might be restored upon the tribe of the Three Rivers, and the Chief spoke to his sons, saying,
12 “Behold, I give to you this very day in the city of Gainesville, a man-child, who is pure of heart and true of spirit, who shalt restore our favor in the eyes of the Lord and shalt make His face to shine upon our Army of Steel.”
13 “And his name shall be called Timothy, of the house of Tebow, for he loves the Lord with all his heart and it is he, and he alone, who shalt lead the Army of Steel out of darkness in which they now wander and into the promised land.”
14 “And the Lord hath shown him great favor and Timothy has girded his loins with righteousness and painted his face with the word of the Lord.”
15 “Yet there are those who would seek to diminish his works, and saith that he is not a great warrior, that his arm is weak and he would fall at the hands of his enemies in battle, for he is short of stature and ability, as was David before Goliath.”
16 “Yet, just as David slew Goliath, so shall Timothy lead this Army of Steel unto glory, for he shall put away his tunic of orange and blue that he wore as a child and put on the armor of black and gold as a man, for it is so ordained that those who would select their warriors on the fourth week of the fourth month will be led to choose others instead, so that he may lead us,"
17 For Ben hath forsaken me and turned from me, and, likewise, I shall forsake him, and he shall be destroyed, and that without remedy. Amen.”
18 Thus saith the Chief, and it was good.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Why Sarasota Needs School Tax Extension: So Our Teachers Don't Have To Become Strippers Or Get Eaten By Wolves

Proponents of the Sarasota County public school tax extension to be voted on next Tuesday have offered two more compelling reasons why this tax proposal must be passed. Education professionals cite the recent disturbing news concerning two of their teaching colleagues and how the additional monies garnered from the tax will prevent similar tragic stories from happening to teachers here in the county.

First, the heartbreaking tale of a once-promising young teacher who was living her dream of making a difference in the lives of the young people of Enochs High School in Modesto, CA. An English teacher at the school gave her young charges a dose of harsh reality recently by telling them that, since she had just been told that she would be losing her job due to budget constraints, she was going to "become a stripper and sell her eggs." , according to student, 16-year-old student Tiffany Geisen (see video.)

The teacher, who has been identified as 24-year old, Tanqueray Sugarbush, photo below, had just completed her her 6th period English class lecture: "Was Shakespeare on Crack When He Wrote Those God-Awful Boring Stories?" when she made the announcement to the students.

Former English teacher of the Year, Ms. Tanqueray Sugarbush.

She told her students that because their parents were heartless cheapskates who didn't want to pay their taxes, she had been laid off by the school district. Her only recourse would to become a pole dancer and be forced to live off greasy dollar bills stuffed in her see-through peek-a-boo boy short panties by the filthy hands of degenerate perverts who leered at her through the bottoms of a dirty pilsner glasses. She also said that it was a common knowledge that strippers routinely sold the fruit of their ovaries to dirty little men who operated shady fertility clinics that preyed on innocent young couples whom God did not bless with precious little children of their own.

Former teacher, Tanqueray Sugarbush, took the stage name of Enid Foster to hide her shame of dancing in strip clubs.

Colleagues of Ms. Sugarbush, who was universally liked by her students and fellow teachers alike, were shocked upon hearing her statement, although Phys. Ed. instructor, Norman "No-Nuts" Sweeney, allowed that " she did have a major-league set of hooters on her." Her students remembered how Ms. Sugarbush would use unconventional means to hold the attention of some of their classmates, often staying after regular school hours to tutor some who found her English class to be "hard."

Ms. Sugarbush always found a way to keep her students interested.

Moral of this story: higher taxes mean more teachers and bigger salaries, so teachers don't have to work as strippers; although the average wage of a stripper at Cheetah's on 301 currently stands at nearly 3 1/2 times that of a Sarasota County teacher. Plus performance incentives and bonuses.

Moral of that story: we need more taxes!

The second cautionary tale illustrates the direct correlation between the consequences of voting down the public education tax extension and the very life and death of our teachers.

Earlier in the week, a young woman was fatally attacked and killed in Alaska by, what experts believe, was a pack of wolves--rabid, snarling, flesh-tearing vicious wolves--as she jogged along a deserted stretch of road in the desolate wilderness around Chignik Lake; "chignik" being Inuit for "watch out for killer wolves."

The victim was 32-year old Candice Berner.

She was a teacher.

Moral of this story: if the the voters of Sarasota County pass the tax extension, good teachers like Berner won't have to lose their lives by having to go to someplace like God-forsaken Chignik Lake to teach blubber-eating Eskimo kids how to read and write in some one-igloo schoolhouse when they could come here to beautiful Sarasota to teach our bright, articulate and eager young children advanced calculus and quantum physics in our brand-new palatial $53 million Taj Mahal educational edifice that has fully-stocked tiki bars and hot tubs in all six of the teacher's lounges, conveniently located only steps away from the nearest classroom.

Wolves are not the cuddly, forest-dwelling denizens of lore or the dreamy members of Team Jacob.........

.........they want to kill you and eat your liver. Without fava beans.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

E-Trade Baby In Trouble Again, Lindsay Lohan Demands Paternity Test

Child prodigy actor, 16-month old Tyler Sumnerfield II, star of the E-Trade print and television advertising campaign, is being sued by actress Lindsay Lohan for breach of contract and demanding that Sumnerfield submit to a paternity test. Sumnerfield, already in hot water for his unauthorized turn as an air traffic controller last month at JFK Airport in New York, is being accused by Lohan of breaking his verbal committment to her to star in his next E-Trade commercial.

According to court documents, Lohan contends that she and Sumnerfield had been in a relationship and she was promised that he would get her a co-starring spot in his next commercial. The relationship soured and, as a result, Sumnerfield never delivered on his promise to have her appear in the ad. Instead, Sumnerfield filmed what she claims is a defamatory attack on her reputation, labeling her as a "milkaholic" and is demanding $100 million for improperly using her "likeness, name, characterization, and personality" without permission, violating her right of privacy.

"So, like I'm just chillin' with some friends one night, doin' a little coke, havin' a couple shots, and, like, this commercial comes on with Tyler and, like, then all of a sudden, they're talking about me being this slutty milkaholic chick. Like, that is sooooo wrong."

Friends say she became enraged when she saw the spot and immediately asked if anybody in the room was sober enough to dial the phone to call her lawyer. After several attempts, they finally were able to dial the right number and Lohan spoke to her attorney.

Lohan's attorney, Stephanie Ovadia, said that, in addition to the $100 million lawsuit, they are demanding that Sumnerfield undergo DNA testing for a possible paternity suit. Ovadia would not confirm that her client is, in fact, pregnant, fueling speculation by legal experts that this is just a ploy to coerce Sumnerfield into a settlement.

Sumnerfield held a press conference earlier today, flanked by his legal cousel, attorney Whitney Banks of Sarasota, FL, to discuss the lawsuit, as well as his relationship with Lohan.

"I met Lindsay some months ago at a club in Hollywood. I had just wrapped my Super Bowl commercial and got together with friends to celebrate. Lindsay approached me, said she liked my work, asked if I wanted to party, one thing led to another and she ended going home with me that night. We did, in fact, have a short "relationship", if that's what she wants to call it; I'd just call it a couple weeks of wild sex, too wild for me, as a matter of fact."

"I may have told her something about her being in a commercial, I don't remember. A guy'll say lots of things to get a chick into bed, you know what I mean? At no time did I ever promise her or enter into any sort of verbal contract with her about it, I probably just said I'd see what I could do. I use that line a lot with girls. 'Cause it works. All the time. And nobody's ever held me to it before."

E-Trade had no comment on Sumnerfield's status with the ad campaign, citing the ongoing lawsuit.

"No, seriously, who would confuse this cutie.........

..........with this hot mess???"

Sumnerfield's attorney, Sarasota's Whitney Banks, reacts to his client calling Lohan a "skankapotamus."

Later at a bar, Sumnerfield tells his buddies, "Hey, I heard Lindsay wants ALL of you guys DNA tested....."

"Nah, I'm just playin' with you guys. Except for you, Paxton."

Monday, March 8, 2010

Sarasota School Board Red-Faced Over New Driver's Ed Tool

On the eve of the vote to renew the public education tax in Sarasota County, the School Board is busily wiping egg off its collective face over the latest high-dollar boondoggle to surface in the school system.

Apparently, the school district's Drivers Ed teachers convinced the administration to buy driving simulators to cut down on actually having to take the school district's fleet of new Lexuses out on the highways and byways of the county. They argued that using a computer simulation to teach teenagers how to drive while texting, finding a good song on the radio and checking out their hair in the rear-view mirror would be infinitely more safer for the kids. Not to mention the instructors. And the tourists. It would be a shame to kill any cash-carrying tourists that came to Sarasota, especially in this economy.

The driving instructors, however, hit paydirt with the administration when they mentioned that they could spend more time sitting in their chairs with their feet up on their desks if the little snot-noses were sitting in a Disneyesque simulator in a darkened classroom instead of actually driving. "Well, if we can give our teachers more time to sit around drinking coffee and reading the newspaper, what's the downside to that?"

The School Board didn't take much convincing to spend $14 million on the simulators, knowing full well that in a few short weeks they would be rolling in the dough when the 1-mill tax extension is passed by county voters. After all, it is for the kids, you know.

One slight problem, however, has surfaced with the driving simulators. Oh, the kids think the graphics are cool, the teachers enjoy not taking those white-knuckle rides down 41 anymore, waiting for that distinctive thump-thump of driving over some hapless soul and the administration hopes to save the $14 million price tag of the simulators in reduced insurance costs now that they won't be having to settle all those wrongful death suits brought by the families of the people who have been run down.

The problem, it seems, is that the driving simulators are made by Toyota.

Take 'er for a test spin yourself and see what all the fuss is about: Toyota Simulator

Don't bother to buckle up. It won't help.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Iraqis Overwhelmingly Elect Saddam Hussein On Write-In Ballot, Officials Unsure How To Proceed

Iraqi leaders and the Allied Coalition were stunned yesterday when, with over 60% of the precincts reporting, Al-Jazeera was predicting that deposed dictator, Saddam Hussein, would be the winner in the Iraq election after amassing an insurmountable number of write-in votes. Election officials are mulling what they should do next, considering that the will of the Iraqi people is, apparently, a clear mandate for the return of their former leader, who was hanged in Dec., 2006.

This vote is an obvious setback for American and coalition efforts to bring freedom, democracy and the American way to this troubled land, including two wars, countless resources and a tremendous loss of life on both sides. Pres. Obama has been advised of the election's outcome and is meeting with Sec. of State, Hillary Clinton, to devise a course of action. The Obama administration has long held that the Iraqis should have complete control of their internal affairs and that a democratically-elected president should be chosen by a free and open vote, which, by all accounts, is exactly what has taken place, with the election process actually receiving the Jimmy Carter seal of approval.

Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, said earlier today that no one could have predicted an outcome like this. "We had no idea that anything like this was even remotely possible. Don't the Iraqi people remember how evil Saddam was? Don't they know how much better off they are now that they are free and rid of him? Don't they know he's DEAD???"

In an unprecedented display of bipartisanship, the Obama administration was reaching out to some of the very Republicans who had orchestrated the hijacking of the 2004 American election, including Karl Rove, Jeb Bush and Katherine Harris, to determine if the results of this vote could be purloined in a similar manner. Said former President, George W. Bush, "Something like this is bigger than Republican or Democrat ideology, this stuff is REALLY important."

An Iraqi shopkeeper told an interviewer, "I tell you what; you Americans love your freedom, you love your democracy, you love your Wal-Marts, you love your hot dogs and pizza, you love your shiny Cadillacs, you love your Santa Claus--OK, good for you, you keep them. We don't want them. This is Iraq, is not America."

"When Saddam Hussein was in charge, we had electricity, we had gasoline, we had bus system, we had water in pipes, a little money in our pockets. We have law and order. We pretty happy being Iraqis. Foreigners getting rich stealing our oil, but, at least, Iraqis have jobs in oil fields. Only people got killed were people Saddam not like. You don't piss off Saddam, he no kill you. Pretty simple life."

"Now, Americans take over country--even though we don't invite--and Iraqis don't have no electricity, no gasoline, no more water in pipes. And no money in our pockets; doesn't matter if we did, money is not worth nothing no more. No more law, no more order. Foreigners still only ones getting rich off our oil, but now Iraqis have no jobs because they bring in foreign workers from outside Iraq. Now, everybody in Iraq getting killed: young, old, good, bad, rich, poor, man, woman, children--doesn't make difference, everybody get killed. Now is terrible life in Iraq."

Demonstrators have flooded the streets in Baghdad, as well as other cities in Iraq, carrying posters of Saddam Hussein's likeness and banners bearing his name. Spontaneous demonstrations have also been observed in many European cities and on college campuses worldwide, demanding that Saddam be returned to power in Iraq.

Noted conspiracy theorist, Dr. Alvord Heidenheimer, of Whistlebottom College in Sarasota, FL, has long espoused the belief that Saddam is alive and that the execution was staged for the American public who demanded their pound of flesh from the Iraqi dictator. "America and its allies wanted a scapegoat, someone to pay, someone to get a public beatdown at the hands of the forces of good. Hello, Saddam. So, they find him in a hole, put him on trial and hang him. But, not really........."

"Saddam knows too many secrets, has too many friends, knows where the bodies are buried. Literally. Why do you think the first Bush stopped short of going into Iraq and finishing the job? A deal was struck with several Middle Eastern leaders not to interfere with our invasion and occupation of Iraq if we would put Saddam in a "witness-protection"-like program. Everybody agreed to the plan. Well, everybody except Iran's Ahmandinejad; they never told him about it because they knew he wouldn't go along with the whole idea. I mean, the guy's been telling everyone the truth about the Holocaust hoax for years, no one wanted to take the chance that he'd open his mouth about this scheme on the off chance that somebody would believe him."

"I have it on good authority that Saddam Hussein has been seen pumping gas at a BP station in Bridgeville, Pennsylvania. And, if that location sounds familiar to you, it should. That's the exact same gas station that Elvis worked at in the late 1990s until his disappearance the day before the September 11th attack on the World Trade Center in 2001."

Saddam Hussein Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti: b. April 28, 1937, d. ???

"I'll be back........."

Friday, March 5, 2010

Eric Stratton, Star Of “Animal House” Movie, Goes On Rampage, Is Killed In Venice

The Sarasota County Sheriff’s Department has released a preliminary report on the circumstances surrounding the mysterious death of Eric “Otter” Stratton, a former California physician, whose college hijinks were chronicled in the 1978 film, Animal House. Stratton was beaten, then shot to death near a pond in the 300 block of East Venice Boulevard in Venice.

The official report states that Morrell Denton, 96, and Christopher Janssen, 36, were treated for cuts and bruises at Venice Medical Center and released. Another man involved in the incident, Raymond Duval, 53, was not injured. Listen, if you dare, to chilling audio of 9-1-1 call.

Working from statements from the three men, police theorize that Stratton, 74, was returning to his Venice Ave. apartment around 4:30 AM Thursday morning after a night of excessive drinking and carousing, as was his custom since his college days. He stopped to urinate near a retention pond and, upon exiting through the underbrush, was startled by the presence of the elderly Denton, who was out for his usual 4:00 AM stroll around the neighborhood, surreptitiously checking for homeowner’s association violations. He began berating the drunken Stratton for such dissolute behavior and Stratton then, apparently, attacked Denton, attracting the attention of Janssen and Duval, who, serendipitously, just happened to be doing a little yard work at 4:30 in the morning that particular Thursday.

Using a Sears Craftsman bow handle rake and a Garden Weasel rotary cultivator, the two men beat Stratton about the head and body to stop his attack on their neighbor, Denton, knocking Stratton unconscious. While the two men tended their wounds, Sheriff’s Dept. deputies arrived at the scene, having received numerous calls from neighbors who were out and about, going about their normal daily routine during the time of the 4:30 AM attack.

At that point, deputies say, Stratton regained consciousness and tried to drag his bleeding, broken body into the underbrush in a futile attempt to flee. The eight deputies, fearing for their safety, as well as for that of the crowd of around 60 people who had gathered at the scene around 4:45 AM, emptied their weapons at the suspect at point-blank range, striking the prone Stratton three times in the back. He was later pronounced dead at the scene.

When informed of the tragic death of his former fraternity brother at Faber University, former U.S. Senator, John Blutarsky (R) Utah, released this statement: “I am shocked and saddened at the untimely passing of Eric. While some choose to remember Eric as a womanizer, a conniver and a drunk, I choose to remember Eric as the fun-loving “Otter” from our college days at Delta House at Faber U. The last time I heard from Eric was just after his medical license was revoked following the scandal regarding his gynecology practice in Hollywood. He asked if I could help him secure a position with HHS. Given his checkered past and unseemly lifestyle, however, I told him that I thought he would be more suited for political office. My wife, Mandy, and I express our deepest condolences to the Stratton family.”

Robert Hoover, noted high-profile Baltimore defense attorney, expressed outrage at, what he calls, the suspicious circumstances surrounding the death of his friend Stratton. “I intend to delve into this matter with all legal means available. I find it highly suspicious that the current mayor of Venice is Carmine DePasto, who was the mayor of Faber, PA, when our Delta Tau Chi fraternity was involved in an unfortunate incident in the town back in our college days. It would not surprise me to find out that Mayor DePasto was involved in this killing, as Otter and Mrs. DePasto were rumored to have been romantically linked in the past.”

Sarasota County Sheriff, Tom Knight, has announced that the eight deputies involved in the shooting death of Eric “Otter” Stratton have been placed on ‘double secret probation,” pending the outcome of their investigation.

Eric "Otter" Stratton: 1936-2010 "May your last road trip be your best......"

Thursday, March 4, 2010

E-Trade Baby In Hot Water With FAA For Air Traffic Control Incident

The spokesbaby for online trading giant, E-Trade, has been given a time-out by the Federal Aviation Administration for his antics in the control tower at JFK Airport in last month. He and another child were recorded giving takeoff instructions to departing aircraft, a direct violation of FAA policy. E-Trade issued a statement that they were disappointed in the actions of the two toddlers, emphasizing that the incident did not, in any way, “reflect E-Trade’s standards of professionalism” and noting that the two are actually actors employed by their ad agency and not E-Trade Financial, Inc.

The child, 16-month old Tyler Sumnerfield II, dismissed the seriousness of the charges. “Look,” he said, “I have nothing but the utmost respect for the guys in that tower and the job they do, but this whole thing is getting blown out of proportion.”

“A couple months ago, I was playing golf down in Hilton Head with a friend of mine, his father and a friend of his father—an air traffic controller who works the tower at JFK. Things got a little intense on the course and the friend of the father and I had some words about how the game should be played. I felt bad about it later, so I figured the next time I was in town, I’d surprise old Shankapotamus and look him up.”

“So, a buddy and I and I flew into New York in February for some auditions and ended up meeting the guy for lunch. We had a few cocktails—OK, maybe more than a few—and he wanted to introduce me to the rest of the guys in the tower. I thought it would be a hoot to talk to some of the pilots. Never did I think it was going to be such a big deal. I mean, it’s not like I told any of them to land in the Hudson or anything. Although, I gotta tell you, if one of those pilots would have been that Sullenberger dude, I probably would have.”

The FAA has confirmed the presence of the other boy in the tower, 18-month old Paxton Ratcliff. It was not immediately known if Ratcliff actually had verbal communications with any flight personnel or was merely present in the tower with Sumnerfield. The air traffic controller who ushered the boys into the secure area of the tower has been suspended, pending an investigation by authorities.

E-Trade has made no decision yet on whether or not the two would be dropped from their highly-popular commercial campaign. Said an unidentified spokesperson, “I think the company’s probably going to wait and see how this whole Tiger Woods thing shakes out and go from there. While we certainly don’t condone the actions of these two young men vis-à-vis the nation’s airport security protocols, the importance of the job that the air traffic controllers do and the safety of hundreds of air passengers, at least there were no hookers involved. Well, that we know of yet, I mean……..”

"Ty, dude, I so don't think that's a good idea....."

"C'mon, like, what's the worst that could.........whoa!"

"No, you idiot, I said runway 44, runway 44. Crap, how do you say forty-four in Espanol? Aeromex One-Niner-One, runway cuarenta y cuatro, MUCHO RAPIDO!"

"Yo, Pax, how many planes did I say we had left up in the air?"

"All right, all right, I quit. Jeez, it wasn't that close. I mean, he must have missed that other guy by at least this much........"

Everybody has a blooper reel:

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

“Grande, Vente Or A Box of 130 Grain, Hydra-Schock Jacketed Hollow Points For Your .357?” Guns Come To Starbucks With A Bang

In a move sure to bolster lagging coffee sales, Starbucks has announced that their stores are now “free-fire zones,” meaning that if you have an aversion to being shot, then please take your business elsewhere. Long considered a bastion of snooty liberal elitists, Starbucks has done a complete turnaround and is now catering to pro-gun advocate groups like the Tea Party political tsunami, the N.R.A. and, of course, the Bloods and the Crips, who will undoubtedly give up sucking down hard liquor and cheap wine from paper bags and begin politely sipping iced peppermint white chocolate mochas as they plot turf war drive-bys

"Our new baristas are waiting to serve you."

Sarasota’s Starbucks are adapting to the change, but not without incident. Where once business casual and resort wear were the dominant fashion trends at the local Starbucks, the baggy pants, hoodies and prison tats of local gangs now mingle with the plaid shirts, faded jeans and cowboy hats of the good old boys from Arcadia, as they compare calibers, magazine capacity and the various ammunition choices for their respective firearms.

In an unprecedented display of practicality, the two groups have begun to quietly divide up the area Starbucks to avoid unnecessary bloodshed. All Bradenton Starbucks, naturally, will belong to the street gangs, with the exception of the one in Lakewood Ranch, since nobody goes to Main Street anyway. The Starbucks at the Prime Outlets in Ellenton, as well as the downtown stores and the one in St. Armands will alternate weeks between the two factions, except during season when finding a place to park near those Starbucks is just ridiculous.

The Starbucks in the two area malls, along with the other suburban locations, have been designated as what some are calling “redneck Starbucks.”

The Starbucks in Venice is has not been claimed by either group, since no one wants to go up against their specific clientele of aging WWII veterans, especially now that they are likely to be locked and loaded.

Earlier this week, Gandy Hypoluxo, 38, of the Arcadia Shores Trailer Park, had to receive medical care following an unfortunate incident at the Clark Rd. Starbucks. While demonstrating the importance of gun safety to his 3-year old daughter, his normally-reliable Smith & Wesson 1911 “Respector” somehow misfired (he claims), resulting in a minor flesh wound to Hypoluxo in the foot and effectively ruining a perfectly good pair of K-Mart work boots.

"Oh, hell, Gandy, that don't look so bad........"


"Hey, is that a new lamp I can see through the hole in your foot?"

Blame Bits & Pieces for the pics

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Chilean Earthquake Knocks Earth Off Axis, Miami Now On Equator

NASA Scientists have determined that the recent earthquake in Chile has tilted the Earth off its axis some 33 degrees, placing Miami just about squarely on the Equator and the Florida Keys in the Southern Hemisphere. Mandatory mass evacuations of low-lying areas are being conducted at this time due to the ‘sloshing effect’ of the planet’s sudden new alignment causing massive tsunamis affecting all coastal regions.

Orbiting satellites are now essentially useless as their orbital trajectories no longer correspond to earth’s signaling locations, knocking out communications across the globe. Tectonic plate shifts of this magnitude have never been experienced before in the history of the planet and all their ramifications have yet to be learned.

Polar ice caps have shifted, as well, and have already begun to melt at an alarming rate which will, in a matter of days, begin raising the sea level, placing certain coastal cities in untenable positions, adding to the woes of those regions. One unexpected development has been the uncontrolled flow of vast quantities of crude oil from fissures in the earth’s crust near Sarasota, FL, which had apparently been sitting atop a heretofore unknown oil field of unimaginable proportions.

When asked if the scientific community knew something like this could happen, one unnamed NASA scientist stated, “Clearly, we had no inkling of the impact that the Chilean event until things started happening. We just kind of looked at each other with that deer in the headlight look. We had no idea of exactly what was happening, how long it would last or what the consequences to humanity would be. As far as we were concerned, it was a case of round and round she goes; where she stops, nobody knows. Certainly not us.”

Canadian officials, while pleased that the maritime provinces of New Brunswick, Prince Edward Island and Nova Scotia are now situated in more temperate climes and likely to see a boost in tourism, they are secretly lamenting the timing of this cataclysmic disaster. Said one identified government official, “If this woulda happened a month ago, we’d a-had snow in Vancouver for the Olympics, eh, now that it’s up there borderin’ on the Arctic Circle.”

Some experts at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, however, are downplaying the magnitude of concern over the displacement of the polar regions, the untold misery of the tidal surges and tsunamis unleashed by the sudden movement of the earth and the countless horrors that await mankind because of the tilting of earth’s axis. “Now that we’re spinning through space wobbling like a wounded duck, we are currently preparing calculations to tell us exactly when we can expect to smash headlong into the Moon or another planet. If, by the some freak of nature, the grace of God or some other reason we don’t, in time we will eventually crash into the Sun and be incinerated. So, our advice to the public at this time would be to not sweat the small stuff like the 1.26 milliseconds added to your day.”

“The good news is that we're all going to be dead before the bank can foreclose on your house now......”

Monday, March 1, 2010

Sarasota Schools Spend $3.2 Million To Make Video Supporting School Tax Extension

The Sarasota County School Board has admitted spending over three million taxpayer dollars to create a commercial that will air on local television stations urging voters to support the 1-mill public education tax extension. Administrators pooh-poohed critics who were of the opinion that this expenditure was an improper use of education funds.

According to an official statement released this morning by the School Board, it stated: "Pfffftt, like your the boss of us," referring to county taxpayers. "Like every other governmental agency in Sarasota County, the first thing we did was to hire an obscenely-expensive out-of-state educational consultant to tell us what to do. After months of extensive research, the consultant came back to us with a 156-page report that basically told us to do one of two things: either hold a bake sale or put on a show. A couple years ago, we tried a bake sale. All the mothers just went to Publix and bought cookies--didn't even bother to take them out of their original packaging and try to pass them off as homemade. So, no more bake sales."

"We then hired a high-profile Madison Avenue advertising agency. In a couple months, they submitted two commercials with big-name actors. We screened the two ads in our state-of-the-art mega-media theater with stadium seating and Dolby surround sound that we had built in the school board's office complex in the Landings. We all agreed that the Danica Patrick one where she takes off her top was too much like her "Go Daddy" campaign and the other one featuring Dennis Rodman would have had to have been bleeped down to nothing just to get it on the air. The agency offered to make another spot with Quentin Tarantino directing, but they wanted an extra $750,000 on top of the $600,000 we had already paid them."

"One of our educational professionals suggested that, this being Sarasota, we have all the talent we needed to mount a first-class show right here in town. We laughed at her naivete, but figured we had nothing left to lose except the last $1.7 million remaining in the ad budget, so we let her run with it. After a day-and-a-half of planning and 20 minutes or so of rehearsal, we had a commercial that we think will tug at the heartstrings of each and every voter out there and convince them to pass this tax extension."

School administrators were quick to point out the fiscal responsibility demonstrated in the making of the video, noting that the children in the piece weren't paid anything and the teachers involved were happy with "a couple grand apiece." In addition, school board members were thrilled to finally get a chance to use all that top-of-the-line video equipment that they had purchased several years ago from a board member's brother-in-law, but never had occasion to use, so "we saved money there by not having to go out and buy all new stuff."

Responding to critics who cited the involvement of students to make the video, one school board member angrily defended the practice. "Why don't these screwballs just shut their pie holes. We went to college for this stuff. You think we don't know what we're doing; we're professionals, for crying out loud. Every one of those kids who had anything at all to do with completing the video was given an automatic 'A' for all their classes this semester. Think they won't pressure their folks into a 'YES' vote next Tuesday?"

Taking their cue from some of the most successful television ads of all times, the Sarasota County School Board will air their commercial just one time only. While it won't be during the Super Bowl, officials are confident that showing the ad once on Channel 7 during Wheel of Fortune on the day prior to the election will give them the most bang for their buck, citing a recent $125,000 demographic report that they had commissioned, stating the same.

"What we want, you’ve got,
And that’s your vote tomorrow.
If we must, we’ll beg, steal or borrow,
‘Cause we’ve been taught no shame.

So, now make our dreams come true,
Well, well, vote twice to make our dreams come true.....

No students were harmed in the making of this video. Of course, none of them received much of an education while making the video, either, but, at least, nobody got hurt. And, isn't that what school's really all about anyway........