Wednesday, March 3, 2010

“Grande, Vente Or A Box of 130 Grain, Hydra-Schock Jacketed Hollow Points For Your .357?” Guns Come To Starbucks With A Bang

In a move sure to bolster lagging coffee sales, Starbucks has announced that their stores are now “free-fire zones,” meaning that if you have an aversion to being shot, then please take your business elsewhere. Long considered a bastion of snooty liberal elitists, Starbucks has done a complete turnaround and is now catering to pro-gun advocate groups like the Tea Party political tsunami, the N.R.A. and, of course, the Bloods and the Crips, who will undoubtedly give up sucking down hard liquor and cheap wine from paper bags and begin politely sipping iced peppermint white chocolate mochas as they plot turf war drive-bys

"Our new baristas are waiting to serve you."

Sarasota’s Starbucks are adapting to the change, but not without incident. Where once business casual and resort wear were the dominant fashion trends at the local Starbucks, the baggy pants, hoodies and prison tats of local gangs now mingle with the plaid shirts, faded jeans and cowboy hats of the good old boys from Arcadia, as they compare calibers, magazine capacity and the various ammunition choices for their respective firearms.

In an unprecedented display of practicality, the two groups have begun to quietly divide up the area Starbucks to avoid unnecessary bloodshed. All Bradenton Starbucks, naturally, will belong to the street gangs, with the exception of the one in Lakewood Ranch, since nobody goes to Main Street anyway. The Starbucks at the Prime Outlets in Ellenton, as well as the downtown stores and the one in St. Armands will alternate weeks between the two factions, except during season when finding a place to park near those Starbucks is just ridiculous.

The Starbucks in the two area malls, along with the other suburban locations, have been designated as what some are calling “redneck Starbucks.”

The Starbucks in Venice is has not been claimed by either group, since no one wants to go up against their specific clientele of aging WWII veterans, especially now that they are likely to be locked and loaded.

Earlier this week, Gandy Hypoluxo, 38, of the Arcadia Shores Trailer Park, had to receive medical care following an unfortunate incident at the Clark Rd. Starbucks. While demonstrating the importance of gun safety to his 3-year old daughter, his normally-reliable Smith & Wesson 1911 “Respector” somehow misfired (he claims), resulting in a minor flesh wound to Hypoluxo in the foot and effectively ruining a perfectly good pair of K-Mart work boots.

"Oh, hell, Gandy, that don't look so bad........"


"Hey, is that a new lamp I can see through the hole in your foot?"

Blame Bits & Pieces for the pics

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