1 And, lo, those many months later, the Army of Steel went unto the town of Latrobe and there did make preparations to commence a season of war upon their enemies.
2 And, behold, a great light was made to shine round the encampment, and all those therein fell upon their knees with fear.
3 And a mighty wind from the south brought a great cloud into their midst and the light shone through the cloud and they saw a man, clad in raiment of black and gold descend from it, as if on the wings of eagles.
4 And the thunder did roll and the lightning was all around this man, and when his feet touched the earth at the plains of St. Vincent, a multitude of heavenly hosts did sing songs of exultation.
5 And cherubs attended him, as did doves and all manner of lamb and calf and forest creature, for it was Timothy, of the house of Tebow, who had come into their midst, who was to be a light unto the feet of all those who would run headlong into the foe, and a help unto those who would receive the offering from those who would throw the bladder of the swine.
6 And all those who saw Tim were amazed and shouted “Alleluia,” and the plains of St. Vincent rang with the people’s hosannas for him.
7 But there was one among them whom did not renounce the way of Satan to follow Timothy in the paths of righteousness, and this was Ben, who did envy Timothy for the vast amounts of gold, frankincense and myrrh which he was given to join the Army of Steel.
8 For Ben believed himself to be the anointed one, who should be the mightiest of warriors and receive the blessing of Michael, of Tomlin, to lead the forces of good into battle against their foes.
9 Now Ben was also consumed with envy of the love everyone hath shown for Timothy and was vexed that it was no longer he who wore the crown of laurel and was beloved by the people of the Three Rivers.
10 And Michael, of Tomlin, seeth Ben’s jealousy and saith to him, “Verily, I say unto you, behold the man-child who, this day, shall deliver the enemies of the Steelers unto us forevermore.”
11 “Thy loose and wicked ways hath condemned you, your lewdness with women hath brought weakness to thy legs and an excess of wine hath brought weakness to thine arm.”
12 “You hast become a plague unto us and we shall now follow Timothy into war, as you are no longer the chosen one, and now shall bear the shield of Timothy for him and be a help unto him in battle.”
13 Now, Ben was sorely angered at this news and cursed Timothy, which caused Michael, of Tomlin, to suffer him to come with him to another place, away from his army.
14 And Ben cried out, “I will not, for it is my place to lead this army; my transgressions are not of my doing, as there are those who would bear false witness against me and cause me to lose my way.”
15 “What of thy kicker, who hath made war upon that machine by which men can rid their hands of water and who has shown his nakedness to all the world? What of his rebellion against just authority when another of our number was to be arrested for his drunkenness?”
16 What of thy receiver, who did sell narcotics when he was young? What of all those others who hath failed to heed the laws of man?”
17 To which Michael, of Tomlin did answer, “When that day cometh that Timothy declares himself to be equally as noble of foot, then Jeffrey shall be driven from the house of Rooney, as will all those others of whom you speaketh, for we shall become an army that represents the virtue and goodness of the tribe of the Three Rivers.”
18 And Ben fell into a rage, shouting, “I shall remain upon this field and shall not be moved by any man, even he who would usurp my position, for he shall be damned this day by all the demons of Hell itself that I shall summon and I will be king once more and unto me will graven images be wrought!”
19 And with that, Ben did raise his hand against Timothy and he became a pillar of salt.
20 And all those that saw these things that day did fall upon their knees and hide their faces, for they were sore afraid and turned away their eyes that they should not suffer a similar fate.
21 Then, the heavens opened and did weep for Ben, for he was once favored by the Lord, and the pillar of salt that was Ben did melt into the earth and he was no more.