Monday, March 15, 2010

Steelers To Draft Tim Tebow, Super Bowl Victory Assured By Biblical Decree

Chapter 9

1 And it came to pass in those days, that the once-mighty army of the tribe of the Three Rivers, who were called the Army of Steel, had despaired into sin and degradation because they were vain and proud and had strayed from the paths of righteousness, and the people did gnash their teeth and rend their clothes because of it.
2 For there were those in the army who had become drunkards and whoremongers and brawlers and those who succumbed to the pleasures of the flesh, who reveled in their nakedness and debauchery and no longer wished to follow those precepts set forth those many years ago by the Chief, who forbade such wantonness among his warriors;
3 As it was with Ben, who was the leader of this Army of Steel, who once was favored by the Lord and led his men into victory upon victory, but who had now become sinful and licentious in his ways.
4 Now, the Lord looked upon Ben and was desirous that he forsake his sinfulness, so that He made him to fall from his mount, suffering a grievous wound about his head, for he wore not his armor nor his helmet, and the people prayed with much fervor, that Ben was healed and did repent and led his army to victory, and gave glory to God by raising his hand to heaven in this time of victory.
5 But, once more, Ben had those around him who led him to look away from the face of the Lord and fall into sin with a harlot, and his accuser said, “Ben hath forced himself upon me and I have been shamed and for this I demand redress.”
6 And, again, the Lord heard the cries and lamentations of the tribe of the Three Rivers, who feared greatly that they would be vanquished by those barbarian hordes of Browns and Ravens and Bengals, and did cause she who was scorned to be known as one who would bear false witness against Ben, who did cloak himself in the clothes of righteousness and proclaimeth again his love for the Lord.

7 But Ben soon strayed for a third time, now in the land that is called Georgia, for his drunkenness and pride led him to keep company with a young handmaiden, who now weeps for her lost honor.
8 Now, Ben hath been shown mercy twice before, and his advisors tell him that he is a mighty warrior and should indeed have his choice of concubines with which to copulate and take his pleasure, for he is not subject to the laws of the land, as he is the mightiest of warriors.
9 But the people of the tribe of Three Rivers were sore afraid, for they knew that vexation of the Lord could end their reign as keepers of the Six Rings, as their enemies were many and great and sought vengeance upon this Army of Steel; to smite them, yea, verily, even to slay them.
10 For the Lord speaketh to them, saying, "As I have laid low the once mighty Raiders of Oakland for their wicked ways, so shall I visit my retribution upon the Army of Steel if they continue to forsake my laws and spirit with their evilness."
11 So the leaders of the army, who were the Rooneys, called upon the spirit of the Chief to give them wisdom to make their army strong once more, so that their glory might be restored upon the tribe of the Three Rivers, and the Chief spoke to his sons, saying,
12 “Behold, I give to you this very day in the city of Gainesville, a man-child, who is pure of heart and true of spirit, who shalt restore our favor in the eyes of the Lord and shalt make His face to shine upon our Army of Steel.”
13 “And his name shall be called Timothy, of the house of Tebow, for he loves the Lord with all his heart and it is he, and he alone, who shalt lead the Army of Steel out of darkness in which they now wander and into the promised land.”
14 “And the Lord hath shown him great favor and Timothy has girded his loins with righteousness and painted his face with the word of the Lord.”
15 “Yet there are those who would seek to diminish his works, and saith that he is not a great warrior, that his arm is weak and he would fall at the hands of his enemies in battle, for he is short of stature and ability, as was David before Goliath.”
16 “Yet, just as David slew Goliath, so shall Timothy lead this Army of Steel unto glory, for he shall put away his tunic of orange and blue that he wore as a child and put on the armor of black and gold as a man, for it is so ordained that those who would select their warriors on the fourth week of the fourth month will be led to choose others instead, so that he may lead us,"
17 For Ben hath forsaken me and turned from me, and, likewise, I shall forsake him, and he shall be destroyed, and that without remedy. Amen.”
18 Thus saith the Chief, and it was good.

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