Thursday, March 4, 2010

E-Trade Baby In Hot Water With FAA For Air Traffic Control Incident

The spokesbaby for online trading giant, E-Trade, has been given a time-out by the Federal Aviation Administration for his antics in the control tower at JFK Airport in last month. He and another child were recorded giving takeoff instructions to departing aircraft, a direct violation of FAA policy. E-Trade issued a statement that they were disappointed in the actions of the two toddlers, emphasizing that the incident did not, in any way, “reflect E-Trade’s standards of professionalism” and noting that the two are actually actors employed by their ad agency and not E-Trade Financial, Inc.

The child, 16-month old Tyler Sumnerfield II, dismissed the seriousness of the charges. “Look,” he said, “I have nothing but the utmost respect for the guys in that tower and the job they do, but this whole thing is getting blown out of proportion.”

“A couple months ago, I was playing golf down in Hilton Head with a friend of mine, his father and a friend of his father—an air traffic controller who works the tower at JFK. Things got a little intense on the course and the friend of the father and I had some words about how the game should be played. I felt bad about it later, so I figured the next time I was in town, I’d surprise old Shankapotamus and look him up.”

“So, a buddy and I and I flew into New York in February for some auditions and ended up meeting the guy for lunch. We had a few cocktails—OK, maybe more than a few—and he wanted to introduce me to the rest of the guys in the tower. I thought it would be a hoot to talk to some of the pilots. Never did I think it was going to be such a big deal. I mean, it’s not like I told any of them to land in the Hudson or anything. Although, I gotta tell you, if one of those pilots would have been that Sullenberger dude, I probably would have.”

The FAA has confirmed the presence of the other boy in the tower, 18-month old Paxton Ratcliff. It was not immediately known if Ratcliff actually had verbal communications with any flight personnel or was merely present in the tower with Sumnerfield. The air traffic controller who ushered the boys into the secure area of the tower has been suspended, pending an investigation by authorities.

E-Trade has made no decision yet on whether or not the two would be dropped from their highly-popular commercial campaign. Said an unidentified spokesperson, “I think the company’s probably going to wait and see how this whole Tiger Woods thing shakes out and go from there. While we certainly don’t condone the actions of these two young men vis-à-vis the nation’s airport security protocols, the importance of the job that the air traffic controllers do and the safety of hundreds of air passengers, at least there were no hookers involved. Well, that we know of yet, I mean……..”

"Ty, dude, I so don't think that's a good idea....."

"C'mon, like, what's the worst that could.........whoa!"

"No, you idiot, I said runway 44, runway 44. Crap, how do you say forty-four in Espanol? Aeromex One-Niner-One, runway cuarenta y cuatro, MUCHO RAPIDO!"

"Yo, Pax, how many planes did I say we had left up in the air?"

"All right, all right, I quit. Jeez, it wasn't that close. I mean, he must have missed that other guy by at least this much........"

Everybody has a blooper reel:

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